Hersheys Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 This guy I was seeing for 5.5 months left me or to put it more accurately - disappeared after we had an argument. I haven't heard from him the night we parted. It's been more than a month now. I've accepted that I will never hear from him ever again. I'm done waiting and hoping for his phone call, seeing him at my doorstep. So now I'm trying to get over him. Trying to keep myself busy but to be honest I'm really having a tough time. I just feel so depressed. I don't have the energy to do things. My job is in sales so I'm expected to be happy and peppy most of the time but my goodness I just can't find any motivation and excitement to be good at it as I'm just feeling so sad all the time. I want to do well on my job but I just can't seem to pull myself together. I'm set to go back to uni in a couple of months and I'm scared that I'm going to feel this way still and I will just fail on my subjects. I keep on going back to the time when we started dating when everything seemed so easy and I never let any problem ruin my day. I was just so happy and enthusiastic to face each day! For those of you who have had their hearts broken, how did you find the motivation and enthusiasm again? Is it even possible to feel the way I did before now that I am alone? What did you do to inspire yourselves? Thanks in advance for your input and advice!!!!!
writergal Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Hersheys, When I read your post I could total relate to what you're going through. Like you, my ex disappeared after I over-reacted. And although my relationship was only a mere 3 months, it still had a profound impact on me emotionally. It will take time for you to find your enthusiasm and feel motivated again. What you are experiencing is a bit of depression, which is a completely normal reaction to a break-up, no matter how long the relationship lasted. Surround yourself with good friends and your life will be good. You will heal. It will just take some time. And actually, returning to university will be a good distraction for you, because it will force you to concentrate on yourself and your own goals and needs, and not on your ex's who selfishly ran away from your relationship at the first sign of conflict. Mature people do not run from conflict in relationships. They work through problems together. Obviously, your ex didn't value the relationship or you enough to stay just b/c you had an argument. So, you should take comfort in the fact that he showed you his true colors. Could you really depend on someone like him in times of real crisis, when you would need his support? Doesn't sound like it. That's what I realize now about my ex too. He ran away after I over-reacted, rather than try to work things out together with me. I deserve to be with a man who I can depend on. You deserve that too. Who knows. Maybe you will meet someone more dependable when you retur
writergal Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Hersheys, When I read your post I could total relate to what you're going through. Like you, my ex disappeared after I over-reacted. And although my relationship was only a mere 3 months, it still had a profound impact on me emotionally. It will take time for you to find your enthusiasm and feel motivated again. What you are experiencing is a bit of depression, which is a completely normal reaction to a break-up, no matter how long the relationship lasted. Surround yourself with good friends and your life will be good. You will heal. It will just take some time. And actually, returning to university will be a good distraction for you, because it will force you to concentrate on yourself and your own goals and needs, and not on your ex's who selfishly ran away from your relationship at the first sign of conflict. Mature people do not run from conflict in relationships. They work through problems together. Obviously, your ex didn't value the relationship or you enough to stay just b/c you had an argument. So, you should take comfort in the fact that he showed you his true colors. Could you really depend on someone like him in times of real crisis, when you would need his support? Doesn't sound like it. That's what I realize now about my ex too. He ran away after I over-reacted, rather than try to work things out together with me. I deserve to be with a man who I can depend on. You deserve that too. Who knows. Maybe you will meet someone more dependable when you return to university.
era Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Hi Hersheys... Gosh, an argument then he pulls off a Houdini. Sounds like he always had one foot out the door. What a loser.
Author Hersheys Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 writergal It's true what they say that people are tested when put in times of conflict. Our exes chose the easy way out by running instead of trying to make things work. I was so willing to make things right this time. When I met him I really thought I've found a great guy. I felt lucky and was so happy! I thought I was doing the right things. What scares me now is that I might go through again the kind of sadness that befell me with my previous ex. It took me a long time to get over that one. I agonized everyday for almost a year. I flunked my subjects, fired from 2 jobs, couldn't go out of my house to socialise because seeing couples made me miserable. I don't want to go through what I went through before. I'm trying to think of really good times in my life to somehow dispel some negativity in my mind but it wanders back to my current ex and worse to that night when we had the argument. Thoughts of what I said, what he said, his actions on the days leading up to the night we had the argument eats up my day. Like you, I feel like I might have overeacted but you know what maybe they just used a situation/conflict to give themselves that push out of the door. It's convenient and lucky for them that the blame is on us. The amount of time (long-term/couple of months) we were with our now exes doesn't matter but what we felt about the person, how much we love and care for them is what must be taken into consideration in getting over the breakup. When it ends it hurts just the same. era It does feel now that he really wasn't in it for the long haul. I now wish I knew that before. I guess I really was too in love at that time to see signs that he was about to bail. A proper breakup with the proper closure is painful enough but much more so when the person you are with just up and left without notice. What angers me is that now he's probably going about his life innocently and normally thinking he did the right and noble thing to protect my feelings, protect his, saved us from further pain. Ugh.
writergal Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Hersheys, I really think we dated the same type of guy. I believe my ex ran and left things un-finished (closure-wise) thinking he was protecting my feelings, protect his and save us from further anguish. When the reality is that leaving things undone is more harsh and cruel...and in my opinion, very immature of him. I think your ex is very immature to leave you in the lurch and I empathize with the emotional agony you are going through right now. Look at me: in my late 30's, STILL agonizing over a 3 month relationship that ended 4 months ago. Like you, I'd thought I'd found "the one," who would be it for me. A great guy with all the qualities, and personality traits I'd been seeking my entire life. I sincerely feel that surrounding yourself (as I do with my friends) with your friends right now will help buffer the anxiety and sadness you are feeling right now. If you continue to beat yourself up and replay the events, conversations and such and the fight itself, you will only continue to emotionally drain yourself and that isn't healthy. I know. I did that...and have relapsed recently into doing that again when I got the viral flu and wanted to contact my ex again for comfort, which was a knee-jerk reaction due to my vulnerability. It's a human response to rejection, and the drive to be needed, the drive to be attached is strong in everyone. No one wants to be alone in this life because that is not natural. So right now, comfort yourself in ways that you have in the past with breakups - whatever that means to you personally. And if you have to replay events and such in your head, know that it is out of a need to try to rewrite the past and analyze what went wrong. Like you, I tried to analyze and over-analyze what went wrong in order to reach some closure, to no avail. What I did discover is that the more I allow myself to focus on my ex, the more power I'm giving him over me and I'm remaining stuck in the past as a result. Your ex and my ex are cut from the same cloth. They entered their relationship with us with one foot out the door, and sold us on a relationship idea by convincing us we were the right gal for them, which wasn't true it turns out. So you and I, we can't take credit for their failure to treat us with the respect and love that we deserve from a partner. Our exes are fools and they hurt us, and they don't deserve the love that we gave them so openly, so genuinely, so forthrightly. Outwardly, they each may represent a perfect package of what we are seeking in a partner. Inwardly, they couldn't be more opposite, more wrong for us on an emotional level. Right? Remember this: you had your life intact and were happy before you met your ex, you can get back to that place again. You can be happy without him.
playlislay Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 What everyone is saying is true. Listen to the experienced ones. Think about it, would you really want to be with a man that cant solve problems with a loved one? One that just runs away from his problems? NO!!! Thats how I see it with my ex, the bastard, he just walked away from everything we had, he walked away from us. Can you believe it? The funker was meant to propose this july at our graduation, and I seriously thought he was the one. No more men for me, no more searching, he is perfect, blah blah blah. He hurt me bad and I would never want THAT in my life again. Count yourself lucky that you got out of it now instead of later. Loser!
Author Hersheys Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 Thanks for the responses! writergal How are you doing? Have you recovered from the flu? I hear ya with the need to reach out to the ex. It's a natural thing for us during happy and sad times. They used to be the ones we get in touch with first everyday so it is understandable to relapse or yearn for any contact with our ex. I was forced to go NC after I tried contacting him (phone call and text) to patch things up but he never replied to any. I've been tempted many times to break NC. I've written an email for him. I even have a speech prepared IF ever he contacts me. But days, weeks have passed and still nothing from him so it's clear that I have no choice but to keep the email and speech to myself lol. I try to draw strength from those times when I easily got over a breakup. I remind myself that I have it in me to cope, I'm just struggling with it now. I am looking forward to going back to uni. The last time I was there, I was such a wreck. Back then I was going through a difficult breakup with my previous ex. It was a nightmare. This time I want to function well in class so I'm doing everything I could to not carry to uni anymore the memories and pain I have now with my current ex. People such like our exes baffles me wth their utter disregard of another person's feelings. I resent the fact that they could enjoy themselves and jump from one relationship to another without being accountable for any pain they have inflicted on the person left behind. playlislay Sorry about your breakup. I also thought I was done searching when I was with my ex.Everything seemed to fit perfectly. I was feeling so lucky that I still managed to find someone like him after a relationship with someone else (previous ex) that almost ruined my life. But all that disappeared together with him. I feel duped. I feel like I was taken for a ride. Like I was a part of his sick plan that he played so well he didn't even sweat his palms before he left - well-planned, well-timed fight and poof he was gone.
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