laur2288 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 The background story: I met my boyfriend shortly after I moved to Paris from the USA 18 months ago. I had just moved to Paris for a job that was only going to last one year. I was enjoying single life when I met him while he was on vacation in Paris. Cute, English and fun. A great plot line to my "living free abroad" story for my friends back home. He was the best type of casual fling. Then we made it official. I enjoyed the terms of our LDR. I enjoyed having him on some weekends and then he went home and I had my independence back. Hes much older and not as into the bar/club scenes. I am young, living in Paris and really loved having my own time. I knew it was not going to last because I was meant to go home but I was enjoying the time we did have together. After my year was up I could not imagine leaving him, an LDR from Paris to London is manageable with only a two and a half hour train ride separating us... but London to America is another story. I managed to get my employer to keep me on for another 6 months but now my visa has run up and I have to go home. I am trying my hardest to get a visa to move to London and turn our LDR into a proper relationship but it is proving way more difficult then I had originally imagined. The point: The thing is, after one year of random weekends and the odd week holidays I am finally sick of being separated all the time. I love him, i didn't expect him but now that I have him I will do anything to be with him. I am absolutely sick of missing him all the time. I'm sick of always thinking about him. Not being able to go one day without counting the days on my calender until the next time I can be with him. I feel like no matter how great my day is something is ALWAYS missing and I am tired of that. I don't know how much longer I can carry on this relationship apart, its depressing. At the same time I can't imagine not being a part of him life, being the one he wants to talk to, call, love. How do you all cope? Does anything you do make it better, because I am at a loss. I am not ready for marriage. I am still in my early 20s, one, two I want to make sure everything is as good if not better after living together for awhile before considering marriage. But short of getting married I don't know how I can pull off a visa. I'm tired, lonely and in love... BUT it could be worse, Right?
mental_traveller Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 How to cope: 1) Skype chat with a webcam 2) Work out do you want to be together permanently. If not, break up now. 3) If you do want to get together for good, then make a plan for where you are going to go. Who moves where (You to him, him to you, or both to somewhere different), how does it fit with career, friends, family etc. 4) Stick to your plan, make a timetable, and make it happen. 5) Have a plan B to move back, so that if the relationship fails, you are not *totally* screwed.
EllieBean Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 LDRs aren't easy, but if you truly love the person then having an LDR is a heck of a lot easier than losing the person and missing them for the rest of your life, and waiting a few weeks/months to see them is better than not seeing them again for the rest of your life. Those of us who cope with an LDR, cope with it because the only other choice is breaking up. The only thing that makes it feel a little better is having some sort of long-term plan to be together. You could perhaps try to get a job in London which would sponsor a work visa - depending on which line of work you're in, that might not be so difficult. Alternatively, could your bf not try to get a job in the US? If he's older with more work experience, that might be an easier option. Other than that, your only option would be to get married - I know you feel you're not ready for that, but if it came down to a choice between marriage and losing this guy, which would you choose?
Island Girl Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 LDRs aren't easy, but if you truly love the person then having an LDR is a heck of a lot easier than losing the person and missing them for the rest of your life, and waiting a few weeks/months to see them is better than not seeing them again for the rest of your life. Those of us who cope with an LDR, cope with it because the only other choice is breaking up. The only thing that makes it feel a little better is having some sort of long-term plan to be together. Absolutely true. The thought of not having him in my life is not an option when the alternative is to have him in whatever way possible. But I also have many years of dating under my belt. Lots of relationships that didn't work out. And no man has ever measured up. Until him. So I am not about to let that go and neither is he. In the grand scheme of things we are not willing to gamble on ever finding this again. Hell, most of my married friends do not have what we do and say so repeatedly. I don't mark time off on the calendar. That'd be too depressing - and in my situation there is no hard fast deadline of when I will be seeing him again. But I do have the emptiness of something (someone) always missing. Every day. For years now. I know exactly what you are saying although you put it more eloquently than I ever have. I hold on to every memory and for a while every great conversation I jotted down so I could reread those things. Reading them would bring back those feelings of being complete and love love love immediately.
KikiW Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Unless I missed it, how does your LDR feel? Does he want you to move to England? Is he talking about future plans (maybe not marriage next year, but sometime in the future)? Is he trying to help you with the visa stuff or leaving it up to you?
Author laur2288 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Unless I missed it, how does your LDR feel? Does he want you to move to England? Is he talking about future plans (maybe not marriage next year, but sometime in the future)? Is he trying to help you with the visa stuff or leaving it up to you? Hes totally on board the "we need to find you a visa" band wagon. Future plans have been talked about. Living together, we're house hunting now. No marriage proposal yet but that's because I have made it clear I am not ready to get hitched... although now that I think about it I have gotten the occasional "I was talking to my parents about if we get married and decide to move to the USA" or "Your family is going to hate me when you tell them your moving over here for good" So I am assuming marriage may be on his mind.
EllieBean Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Hmm... what's the sense in house hunting when you don't even know if you'll be able to get a work visa to live in the UK? If you have a professional career and work experience it might not be so hard to get a job in London that will sponsor a work visa, but it could take months, and depending on which field you work in it may not even happen at all. While the US immigration process is considerably more arduous, your bf probably has a better chance of getting a job that can sponsor a work visa, simply by virtue of his age and experience. Has he said if he wants you to move to the UK, or if he would be willing to move to the US? If you were going to get married, you would need to apply for a fiance visa and marry in the country in which you plan to live - again, getting a fiance visa can take months, if not years (usually around 6 months I believe, if everything goes without a hitch). But hiring an immigration lawyer to handle the whole thing won't be cheap. Perhaps you should at least discuss the possibility of marriage in case neither of you can get a work visa, and perhaps set a guideline for how long you'll try for jobs before you give up and enter the fiance visa process (if you ever plan to do that at all). It's unfortunate, but in situations where partners live in different countries marriage is often the only option if you want to be together. Do you think he would be up for getting married, or would he end the relationship if marriage was the only option?
Author laur2288 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Since I was having such trouble with work visas we were starting to look at fiance visas, hence the house hunting. But now that you say that is difficult also I am going to have to look into it further. it seems to me that no matter which route I choose its not going to be cheap. I am already anticipating losing a few thousand quid to this. As for him moving to the US it is not an option at the moment. He has an amazing job that I can not ask him to leave especially since I am at a point of my life where I can do anything. I am assuming marriage is an option as we have talked about fiance visas and random wedding things but he has never actually come out and said "lets get married" or even "i wanna marry you" so I don't know. I am confident though that if it was our last option he would be ok with it... I just wonder if I would be. Dont get me wrong... i want to marry him one day but I am young and still have a bit of growing up to do... Hes done. I would like to wait at least two years just to make sure.
Bearandsue Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 LDRs aren't easy, but if you truly love the person then having an LDR is a heck of a lot easier than losing the person and missing them for the rest of your life, and waiting a few weeks/months to see them is better than not seeing them again for the rest of your life. Those of us who cope with an LDR, cope with it because the only other choice is breaking up. The only thing that makes it feel a little better is having some sort of long-term plan to be together. AW EllieBean this was so well said. This is exactly how i feel about my guy.
EllieBean Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 This is a tough one... many jobs won't consider applications from someone who needs a work visa because of the time and expense involved in getting one, I think you have to be fairly well qualified/experienced in your field to make it worth the effort for an employer to sponsor a visa for you. Marriage is also an option, but it's a big step, albeit one that you may have to consider as a last resort. The good thing about a fiance visa is that if you're genuine you're unlikely to be rejected... so getting a fiance visa is pretty much a sure thing, unlike a work visa. Sometimes they get approved pretty quickly, but typically it would take a few months - it would only take years if there were serious problems with your application. A fiance visa allows you to enter the country for six months; you either have to marry in that time or leave. So you could get a fiance visa, live with your bf for a few months to see how it goes, then decide whether to marry or not. Alternatively, would it be possible for you to apply for an unmarried partner visa, either now or in the future? More info here: http://www.ukimmigration.com/family/unmarried_partners.htm You have to have lived together for two years to get this visa, either in the UK or abroad. I know one girl who applied for a two year Masters degree in the UK and got a student visa, lived with her bf in the UK for those two years, and then applied for an unmarried partner visa because she had lived with him for two years.
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