V.Vixen Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 I am that girl. You know, the one that is perpetually single. The one who goes out with guys only to find something that I don't like about them enough to stop dating them by date 2 or 3. I was married,and have been divorced/separated for 3 years. Since then i have dated, ohhhh maybe 25 guys? Yeah, and none of them have made it past date 3 or 4. See, I had a great guy, but I lost him to drug addiction. I had that guy that wrote me love notes, and made my lunch in the morning, and did laundry, and had great sex, and was romantic and always planning something. That's how I know I can have that again.. minus the drug addiction and lack of stability. I still haven't found it. So, does it really exist? Was that all just something that I got in exchange for the horrible addiction that would take over our lives later? I wonder .. I really do. This is the thing... my friends meet men, accept their "faults" and have boyfriends. ALL.THE.TIME. They are all always in "relationships".. then I hear them whine about the things that they "can't stand" about their SOs and tell me how "lucky" I am to be single.... ( I do feel a sense of peace with the lack of drama in my life since being single, i must say) Am I being naive to think that I should hold out for something great? Insight?
EllieBean Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 It depends how old you are. If you're young enough to still get guys, then by all means continue looking for that something special. But when you're in your 30s and your biological clock begins to tick very loudly but you still haven't found that great guy, that's the time to think about settling down with someone decent, even if he's not great. If Mr Wonderful eventually comes along, you can always get divorced. If not, then at least you have a decent guy.
sotired Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 What is so wrong with these men they don't get a third date? I am all for having high standards, but it sounds like you are just being super picky. You sound like you had a great guy but he had a HUGE flaw that you were willing to overlook. I'm also fairly certain he wasn't doing all those things for you on the second date. Don't compare new guys you meet to what you had with your ex. Just don't be so picky...If you like someone who has a slight flaw don't just write them off. I'm not suggesting that you settle....but when you set your standards so high no one can reach them, don't be surprised when no one does.
Author V.Vixen Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 It is usually a major thing such as difference in morals, values, or just not feeling compatible. I am 27 years old. I was married at 22 the first time, so I am in no rush to settle right back down. I don't THINK I am too picky, but perhaps I really am. I try to see the good in people, and not pick out the bad. I really do.
monkey00 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 It is usually a major thing such as difference in morals, values, or just not feeling compatible. I am 27 years old. I was married at 22 the first time, so I am in no rush to settle right back down. I don't THINK I am too picky, but perhaps I really am. I try to see the good in people, and not pick out the bad. I really do. If the compatibility or chemistry isn't there, it just isn't. No reason to force yourself. But being too picky is bad, just be realistic when it comes down to dating. I've dated quite a bit of women over the past year and most have not gone past the second date. I think though simply dating by itself is just too easy. Maybe if someone dated or hung out with the person within a month's period, there might be so much more to learn and find things we have in common than you'd think after a few dates. People grow attached emotionally/physically over time, a few dates is hardly enough to develop that.
sotired Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Yeah those are deal breakers for me too. I was just afraid it was nitpicky stuff. I know so many women who are like "he was great but his jeans were too baggy" Give it more time, you'll find someone.
youknowmyname Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Hey, Reading the initial post reminded me of this piece in The Atlantic Monthly that received a lot of press when it came out in March 2008. The writer argues for settling. It was a fun read. http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
Sam Spade Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Hey, Reading the initial post reminded me of this piece in The Atlantic Monthly that received a lot of press when it came out in March 2008. The writer argues for settling. It was a fun read. http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry Not the most tasteful or even imntelligent of writing, but still a lot of truth here. The casual attitude to marriage and divorce is a bit offensive, but I'll contemplate giving a benefit of the doubt that that's on purpose. Most importantly, it is written by a woman, so no gender bashing here...
Author V.Vixen Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 I have read that article and couldn't disagree with it more. I am happier now than I ever would be to "settle" like that... you know? I just feel I am worth more than "the best that was around at the moment".
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 You're 27. You're young. Don't settle! You can be happy single. I would much rather be single than with some guy I didn't like all that much. 25 guys is nothing. I've met way more guys than that. If I didn't feel chemistry, or there was some major difference in values or lifestyle, I didn't feel bad at all about saying "Next"! The person you marry should be your best friend, your confidant, and also your lover. Why would you settle for less than that? That being said...I wouldn't just write a guy off after 3 dates if I wasn't sure. If he seems like a good guy and you are attracted to him, give it a chance. But no chemistry? Big differences in how you view life? Next!
BCCA Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Well, as a 27 year old guy, I can tell you its not much better on the other side now a days. Most of the dates I've gone on have felt more like an interview. I really do believe that women in their 20's have pretty high standards, but you like what you like. I feel the dynamic of dating at our age is kind of a mess: women are trying not to be used for sex, men are trying not to be used for money/emotional support. So, you have people going into dates looking for red flags instead of just looking to have fun. I have to point out though, all the good things you listed about your ex are pretty standard things that any guy you involved yourself with would probably eventually do. There is no way of knowing after a few dates that a guy wouldnt ever leave you notes or make your lunch or please you in bed someday. And drug addiction is a pretty major red flag. I think 'settle' just sounds bad. I dont think it means that you find someone with a penis who isn't completely insane and make it work. I think the idea is more to give people a chance instead of looking for things not to like. No one is perfect, or anywhere close, and everyone has their faults along with the benefits of dating them. And you are better than the best available, but with that comes the very real possibility of having to date a whole lot of duds just to find some good potentials. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you, and I hope to meet someone someday. I usually dont even get more than 1 date, though, if Im lucky. Im certainly not going to just settle for whatever is out there, and you shouldnt either. Keep your expectations realistic and go out on dates with the sole intention of having fun and getting out of the house.
Sam Spade Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 I just feel I am worth more than "the best that was around at the moment". The problem is that *everybody* feels that way (myself included). So, we're all special, just like everybody else. I don't think that the key message of that (admittedly tasteles) article is to settle for bearable unhappiness . The point is that if you have a decent human being in front of you, with similar priorities, and to whom you're attracted to, there's really no reason not to marry them in anticipation of a bigger, better deal. I don't feel like I'd be settling with my girlfriend at all. I feel like I'd be super smart to not let her go. While I will certainly find other women that exceed her on one or more dimensions, they will probably be defficient on others, so on average the tradeoffs will be pretty much the same. Nobody is perfect (myself included).
mr.dream merchant Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 I agree with BCCA and Sam Spade. Its like going to a movie that you heard was going to suck. If you're sitting in the movie looking for sucky things about the movie, then yeah, for the most part its going to suck. But if you ignore the prior warning to the movie blowing beyond belief, go to it with hopes of enjoying it, hell, ya just might. Standards are fine and normal for everyone, but when ya finally do land someone who meets those initial standards, don't spend the next few dates prying for things about him that annoy you. You're bound to find things about everyone that annoy you, ****, even my GF annoys the hell out of me some days. I don't take it as a ticket to NEXT her just like that. I just accept her faults and minor annoyances as her being human, I've got a couple myself. Look at your last boyfriend. He was perfect outside of his drug addiction, but damn, there it was anyway, a drug addiction. That just goes to show you that nobody can be perfect. You could find Mr. Right one day and find out he was a rapist 5 years ago, that'd be the equivalent of a major **** in your cornflakes eh? I guess you pay attention more to whether you enjoy their company or not, instead of looking at things that they don't do in the first 2 or 3 dates.
Author V.Vixen Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 I am not looking for perfection, believe me. If anything, I like a guy with some quirks and someone who gets me a *little* riled up once in a while! I don't prefer a man who lets me walk all over him or agrees with everything I say. The imperfections in a relationship and a person can definitely remind you that you are alive and that is a good things sometimes. I am talking about genuine incompatibility. =/ Also, about the drug thing..we were together for 8.5 years, and it wasn't until the last 2 that this was an issue.
carhill Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Tell me, do men approach you or do you approach them? If both, what would be the ratio? Do you compare dates to your ex?
flash582 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Well ..... perhaps you should look outside of Jersey? I'm not trying to be rude, but I have had the advantage of traveling a LOT in my life, around the world and around the country. Local culture plays a huge part in a person's actions and beliefs. Could it be the local culture that's turning you off? Could it be that you are hanging out in the wrong places? One other thought ... Take some of your alone time and reflect, then write out a list of things that you like on one page of paper and things you don't like on another. Add to these lists over the next week or two. Try to capture EVERYTHING, no matter how nit-picky. Then sit down, once you are comfortable with the lists, and categorize each item as a: Must have/must not have Nice to Have/nice not to have I can do with or without. I did this exercise after a lot of dating after my divorce. You gain a lot of insight into your wants vs your needs. I was amazed at how it turned out.
Butterflying Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Your OP are my sentiments exactly. I have heard everything from, 'your too picky' to 'your standards are too high.' Perhaps, lonliness is the price we pay for lives that are drama free. And Drama is the price we will pay for having a partner. I truly don't know any married people who have "it all." There is much to be desired on both sides of the fence. Some of my married friends envy my independence and financial freedom. I envy them for having someone in bed with them every night. But then again, one of my married friends only sleeps with her husband a few nights out of the month because he travels a lot for work. Sorry, I don't have an answer to your question because I too am searching for the same thing. Don't hold out for anything. Do whatever makes your happy right now. Focus on what you have, instead of who you don't.
Chicago_Guy Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 It depends how old you are. If you're young enough to still get guys, then by all means continue looking for that something special. But when you're in your 30s and your biological clock begins to tick very loudly but you still haven't found that great guy, that's the time to think about settling down with someone decent, even if he's not great. If Mr Wonderful eventually comes along, you can always get divorced. If not, then at least you have a decent guy. Wow - do women (or men) actually think like that? I think that's a terrible attitude to have!
stepka Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Do you compare dates to your ex? I was wondering the same thing--maybe you're looking for your ex minus the drug addiction--the next Mr. right will be completely different, I assure you.
westernxer Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Wow - do women (or men) actually think like that? I think that's a terrible attitude to have! It gets worse the older you get. I'm getting all sorts of senseless advice about this, now that I'm 36. Makes me sick to my stomach hearing people talk like this, but that's just their own fears coming to the surface, not mine.
Author V.Vixen Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Well ..... perhaps you should look outside of Jersey? I'm not trying to be rude, but I have had the advantage of traveling a LOT in my life, around the world and around the country. Local culture plays a huge part in a person's actions and beliefs. Could it be the local culture that's turning you off? Could it be that you are hanging out in the wrong places? One other thought ... Take some of your alone time and reflect, then write out a list of things that you like on one page of paper and things you don't like on another. Add to these lists over the next week or two. Try to capture EVERYTHING, no matter how nit-picky. Then sit down, once you are comfortable with the lists, and categorize each item as a: Must have/must not have Nice to Have/nice not to have I can do with or without. I did this exercise after a lot of dating after my divorce. You gain a lot of insight into your wants vs your needs. I was amazed at how it turned out. These are all very good thoughts and suggestions. I am in the process of looking for a roommate in a town that has many more singles (Morristown). My current town is a small town full of families and the ones who are left leave much to be desired. lol I don't tend to date many local guys because of this. Don't get me wrong, I have made some great friends through dating.. some of the guys have been great, and just not for me. I am pretty much trying to keep an open mind and move into a place where I have more opportunities to meet people in general. For those who asked if I compare men to my ex. I don't think I do. Here is a prime example of a dating scenario gone wrong (lol): I started dating this gentleman, whom I met online (I do the online thing among other outlets as well). We had a nice dinner, nice talk, nice kiss.. very nice date... continued to talk, had a second date, again..went well! Then he started texting me and asking what I don't like about him and telling me that he thinks he knows me better than anyone. He started talking about his feelings towards me (that he really really likes me) and how if I could change anything about him what would it be? I told him that it sort of freaked me out when he asked me things like that after only knowing each other for 2 weeks and he apologized, then it started again the next day. This is the type of situations I find myself in. I even gave him fair warning that it was a bit much so soon. I really felt that him asking me what I don't like about him made him seem very insecure. So, this is the kind of thing.. just as an example. I have many. haha
westernxer Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Then he started texting me and asking what I don't like about him and telling me that he thinks he knows me better than anyone. He started talking about his feelings towards me (that he really really likes me) and how if I could change anything about him what would it be? I told him that it sort of freaked me out when he asked me things like that after only knowing each other for 2 weeks and he apologized, then it started again the next day. Time to leave Kansas. LOL
Author V.Vixen Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Ohh, and I really really don't want ANOTHER divorce under my belt. When I decide to tie the know again, he will have to be pretty damn fabulous... because I don't plan on getting divorced!
Author V.Vixen Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Time to leave Kansas. LOL Haha. I am in JERSEY!
Author V.Vixen Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 And, about the culture, not everyone here is stereotypical "Jersey", but I LOVE New York City men. When I move I will be a lot closer, and in a commuter town.. yumm. lol
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