MizzReboundee Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Hi everyone, It would be really helpful to get some feedback on this situation. I don't really think it is me, but I could use some input...I've tapped out my friends. Tough love is fine. So I am a reboundee (lesbian), who just started dating a woman who I am an old friend with from years ago, who broke up with her girlfriend in Nov. 2008. Note, I also had broken up with my girlfriend around the same time. I had been emotionally gone from that relationship for a while, and it was mutually agreeable. Anyway, me and my old friend, new GF, actually started to date right after they broke up (like a couple weeks afterward). During this relationship (about 2.5 mos. long), we had sex, she said she loved me and I her, then she dumped me and went back with the ex right after valentine's day. Typical rebound crap. I was doing NC and then she contacted me a couple weeks ago and said that she missed me a lot, and things were much clearer now, and that it wasn't working out with her "ex", and that she really wanted to be with me. Apparently the ex had even said that it was obvious that she was mostly thinking about me (even when they were on vacation). So we met for lunch and talked about things. I asked some questions, like "she (the ex) lives right next door, how are you going to keep things casual with her?", knowing that she does want to keep the ex as a friend (much to my dislike... but it is her life). She said that she could only prove that to me and gain back my trust through showing me. She apologized to me about treating me badly, and we agreed to begin to date again, more slowly this time. This morning she called me and she was telling me about some wierd financial thing that happened to her that morning, and she happened to mention that earlier the ex had said on the phone "blah, blah, blah" about it. Well, I got a bad feeling in my stomach and started thinking why the hell would she contact her ex about this, and before me?! Well my outside voice said, "So why'd you call Julie?". Then she said, "because it's a free country and she's a friend". I said, "yah, but you called her before you called me." "Well I was returning her call". Then I said (and I think it was in response to something she said that I can't remember now). "Well, I don't call Lisa (my ex) all the time for things, and we are friends too." See, I know that she has a LOT more contact with her ex than I have with mine, including they've gotten back together (I was dumped), and gone on vacation, while I haven't seen mine but once, since she moved out in January. Well next she tells me coldly "I'm getting off the phone now, talk to you later." So then we had some texts. I apologized if I was being paranoid, but said that given everything that had happened, that it does concern me that she talks with her ex. first, and that I am just looking for her understanding and reassurance that I am number one. I said I understand that Julie is her friend, but that she is also her ex. I asked her to think about how she might feel if it were me talking to Lisa all the time. I asked her to call me so we could talk about things. She texted that she "refuses to deal with sullen behavior and petty jealousy", and that "no one is going to dictate whom I can speak or be friends with. I prefer to be alone. Take care." What do you all think? I suppose I need to get a backbone, but when I do it I get the above. It really hurts. I've been working so hard at being understanding...reasonable, and doing the right thing... I think, but am I just fooling myself, asking for this???
danb Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 You did the right things. It might have all blown out of this little thing(the phone call) but she left you before for her ex, you have some reason to be paranoid/jealous/whatever. She even said she wanted to regain your trust, this isn't the way, she shouldnt even speak of her. Shes sounds way too attached for you to really trust her, she didn't choose being with you over speaking with her. Don't change, keep your backbone. You'll find someone who respects it.
Author MizzReboundee Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 That's all kinda what I thought. We (me and her) both know she hasn't fully had time to process the ending of their relationship, but she seems to think she can do that while still being friends with her and date me. I haven't even seen her since we decided on dating and they live next door (in the next apartment building) to each other. I really need to just move on... but I don't want to date anyone else, because I don't want to hurt anyone, or be hurt either after all this. I guess I should just be alone for a while. Well anyway, thanks a bunch for your thoughts!
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