WorriedOne Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Hey ladies and gents, So I've been dating this great girl for about 6 months. We had "the talk" 2 weeks ago about what we want out of this relationship. Well actually, I had the talk. She is notoriously tight-lipped when it comes to emotional stuff. I told her a) I am looking for a wife someday, b) kids someday, c) "someday" is hopefully in the next few years, d) if she felt any reservations about this or wanted something different, please let me know. I also told her I loved her and knew she didn't feel the same way yet. She was touched, cried a little bit, but I didn't get much feedback. However, our dates since then have been just fine - I assume she wants to be with me for the same reasons I want to be with her. The problem is this: I like attention. I hate being alone. When I get to see her on Wed and on Sat, that's plenty for me - I'm good! But when I have to go more than a week seeing her I start to crave her phone calls, texts, and emails. Out of the last 3 weekends we have only spent one together, I was out of town and then she was out of town. This has reduced me to a wimpy, scared, and insecure mess. I would like to call her but I don't want to let on how needy I am. We talk maybe once every other day. The funny thing is, this is the first girl I've ever dated who doesn't give me the attention I need. I've never felt this way before. I am starting to wonder if this girl and I are compatible since I prefer to be with someone who is more emotionally communicative. The only time I ever get the impression she cares about me is when I am with her (she likes to cuddle, hold hands, sex, etc). When we're apart I almost feel like we're just friends - sending these emotionally shallow txt messages back and forth. I think that there is nothing wrong with her - the problem lies with my insecurities. Do you folks agree?
loser101 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I dated someone like her once and eventually bailed because I got sick of being with someone who had the emotional ability of a fridge. Also, I like people with balls. it is horrible that you should feel needy when it's probably you who is the 'normal' one - your needs sound more average than hers. don't know, I think if she makes you feel this way she isn't the right one for you.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 You sound reasonable to me. Most women want more closeness than it sounds like your girlfriend does. If anyone's complaining about lack of closeness, it's usually the woman. A woman who's not emotionally available in a relationship is comparable to a man who's not sexually available, in my opinion.
shockandawed Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I really don't think you are being needy, instead, maybe you are noticing some potential red flags. I would have a hard time if I told someone after 6 months I loved them and they refused or were unable to say something similar back to me. I wouldn't ever want someone to say something they don't mean, but, it doesn't give the relationship much balance. I also don't think it's unusual for a couple after 6 months to be talking to each other daily.
EllieBean Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 There's nothing wrong with her, and there's nothing wrong with you - you're just two different types of people. Some people are fairly independent, while other people like to be emotionally close and have a lot of contact, and while both approaches are okay I think that the two types of people aren't ideally suited to one another. My bf likes a lot of contact, same as I do, so we're both happy. We send lovey dovey text messages, and we get each other litle gifts like flowers or candy, and he wrote me a song, and I made him a cake... I've dated guys who were less emotionally available and it didn't make me happy. I don't think your expectations are unreasonable, and I don't think you're needy. But I do think that perhaps your gf and you have different expectations of the relationship.
Isolde Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I really don't think you are being needy, instead, maybe you are noticing some potential red flags. This. It's definitely not your insecurities. At this point, it definitely wouldn't hurt to bring this up, but not in an urgent way, more like, "Hey, it seems like you're kinda distracted/preoccupied these days on the phone." Also, I know of relationships that started out "uneven" and survived, so no need to panic yet. Just be aware
Author WorriedOne Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 I feel that I probably need to sit down with her and tell her something like: "I sometimes feel confused about where I stand with you. It would really mean a lot to me if you could communicate to me your feelings for me. I don't need or want constant reassurance, but every once in a while, it would be really nice." The thing is - when I tell her this, I have to prepare for the worst. I *know* that she does not feel comfortable talking about emotional stuff. What I do NOT know is if her behavior is "just her" or maybe it's just *this* relationship? I do not know if I can go through another 6 months of second-guessing and anxiety to find out.
Author WorriedOne Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 I don't know that I can offer much advice here but I empathize with you because my boyfriend is a lot like your girlfriend and it's hard on me as well. I too am not sure if I am the needy one or if he is just overly-independant, and I, like you, haven't really wanted to bring it up to him for fear of looking "needy". It's a challeging position you are in and unfortunately I know it all too well. The advice people on this forum have given me has been mixed: Some say I should find somebody I am more compatible with and others say that I can maybe perk his interest by being less available. OP, I know how you feel... the loneliness is hard to cope with. My relationship has caused me a lot of anxiety. I deal with it better now than I used to primary because I figured out it's more tolerable if I stay busy. All I can say is that I feel your pain. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so frustrating.
Author WorriedOne Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 But I do think that perhaps your gf and you have different expectations of the relationship. I believe this to be the case. I think it is strange that a guy is more communicative than a girl, especially with inner emotions.
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