BurriedAlive Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Hi everyone... It has been a long time since I posted last. Things are going very well in my life. Haven't heard from xMM in 2 years now and I feel like I have completely moved on with my life. Anyway not wanting to have a repeat performance of the Great Fiasco that happened to me a few years ago, I am very concious about my dealing with other MMs. I hold a very important position in the upper management of a large organization and I work with many married men all the time. I have no trouble with this and I have many very good working relationships with some great married guys. I am fully aware of where the line is and I have no intentions of ever crossing it. Obviously though all is not well in fine if I am posting here again! There is one guy I work with that I find pays a great deal of attention to me. He finds reasons for us to work together, he stops at my office and chats with me all the time, he asks me to lunch and he teases me all the time in a flirty kind of way. But then he mentions his wife all the time. That's what he calls her "my wife." I don't even know this lady's actual name! It seems like he goes out of his way to bring "his wife" up! He wears a wedding ring (unlike xMM) and has many pictures of her displayed in his office. They have no children to which he informed me shortly after I met him that they can't and are trying to adopt. I found this a little odd how forthcoming he was with that info! So anyway, does anyone have any theories about his behaviour? On one hand he goes out of his way to tell me that he is happily married but on the other he what is with all the attention? I have a little boy who is 5 and no boyfriend which I am sure he knows. His W is older I think - they may have gotten married later than the norm although I don't know this for sure. I have absolutely no intentions of starting an A with this guy. I like him, he is fun to work with but an A is just not a road I ever want to go down again! Does anyone have any thoughts? Thanks!
jj33 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Hey there. My thought is this. Who cares????? All that matters is post A, you are older and wiser and know that you are the boss of you and no matter WHAT this guy thinks or has on his agenda you dont get involved with married men. You are not interested in an A. So if he is, then that is his problem. Are you sure you arent enjoying the attention a little bit too much and thats why you are posting? Married guys hit on me more frequently than I would like. I now see it as an annoyance kind of like a fly buzzing around the grill at a bbq. I dont care what their theories are because am not interested in married men. Ask the relevant questions: 1. Do you like working with him? 2. Does working with him enhance your career? If so, then fine continue to work with him, just dont lead him on. If so but you are uncomfortable then just be a little more restrained in your responses, when he comes to chat say hey Joe good to see you, little pressed here catch you later. The thing is if YOU are clear that you dont want an A, you can enjoy him as a colleague and just keep your boundaries. The adoption thing is probably very stressful and he mentioned it? So what. Its not like he gave you a blow by blow of their sexual activities, or complained that they couldnt sleep together. Its odd that you want theories on his behavior, say you are not interested and yet find it odd that he told you he was adopting. I sense far too much interest on your part to believe you arent interested on some level. Do yourself a favor, just remind yourself how painful an A can be and keep your boundaries up. Since ending the A I was in I now have a far better radar for the attentions of married men. I am nice polite and I actually am insulted if someone who I do business with hits on me. It smacks of a lack of respect. If someone you do business with really respected you, they wouldnt expect you to be a side dish because it was convenient for them. Unless of course they thought you were "up for it". There are two situations here (1) guys who think any single woman who is friendly to them is up for it; and (2) you get into a kind of EA with someone and they have every reason to think you are up for it. But a purely collegial work relationship is not grounds for someone being up for it (except in the mind of narcissist or a player). If you think you are being too friendly then pull back. Its nice to have friends at work but you know you dont want to go down that road again.
jj33 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Prehaps you do know your mind better than it seems and you are disappointed? That you like this guy and like working with him but its so effing anniying to have to even wonder if you should pull back because hes got the wrong idea? I hate when that happens. If that is the case then well just pull back. But if you think he is really interested, also consider this. There may be something you are doing that is giving him the idea that you might be interested and its more than harmless flirting. Adjust your reactions and his behavior may change as well.
stillafool Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Absolutely forget it. If you aren't interested in him in a romantic way why are you here asking questions as if you have a crush on a "married man". You are old enough to know what's going on as you have been around the block with this situation before. You already know what to do which is to ignore this guy (other than professional association), don't go to lunch with him, no drinks and no contact. Find yourself a single man to become interested in.
jj33 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Well said Stillafool (and far more succintly than I did). If i may add.... wasnt your prior A painful enough to remind you not to even give this a moment's thought? I know mine was. Once burned twice shy. Never again.
stillafool Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I am nice polite and I actually am insulted if someone who I do business with hits on me. It smacks of a lack of respect. If someone you do business with really respected you, they wouldnt expect you to be a side dish because it was convenient for them. Unless of course they thought you were "up for it". Exactly and this is the attitude to display if you want true respect in the business world. When one guy can get away with disrespecting you you will be surprised at how fast the word gets around to the other men.
jj33 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Exactly. And if they really respected you, they would be afraid of insulting you. There is a woman in my industry who is a powerhouse and built like the sterotype of a prison warden (big burly and boxy with a dour face). Someone got a little too friendly and I said would you do that with Jane? (look of horror on his face) If you wouldnt do that with Jane, I dont expect you to do that with me. When people have gotten out of hand I have used different tactics depending on my relationship with them. Generally when they ask me about my personal life I tell them I dont get involved with people I work with (before they have hit on me because its a given I wouldnt get involved with someone married) or if the conversation is more pointed I tell them I couldnt imagine why someone would get involved with a married man, its not something that I would ever do. When people tell me about other people doing things I say hmm. I would NEVER do that but I have friendly relationships with male colleagues I wouldnt want them to be misconstrued in that manner. When one MM went way over the line of playfulness I told him look I know you were only joking but if people saw you behaving that way towards me they might get the wrong idea and Im sure you wouldnt want to do anything to harm my professional reputation (he never spoke to me again but there you go hes a pig). He assured me that of course his attentions were innocent but .... they werent. He does that with everyone but other women play along. I guess the converted are the most zealous. Now wiser after the A I am a bit of a zealot about these things. And yes people do think badly. xMM has very unkind things to say about women who are too up for it (somehow I have escaped that tarnish probably because of the way the A was conducted). Some may say he is a bit of a misogynist, but he is certainly not alone in his thoughts. Its the old double standard alive and well. And fair or unfair its the world we live in and if you care about your professional reputation you have to be careful. Its different if you have the right mindset (e.g. Lizzie) shes not going to cry like a little girl if it all goes wrong. (not that you dont have feeelings Lizzie I hope you know what I mean). Its a level playing field for her. It does not sound like its a level playing field for you. You have to know what you can handle and what works for you. I dont know your history but it doesnt sound like you are able to deal with an A (noone is saying you should).
Author BurriedAlive Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 That's good advice JJ33. I suppose it really shouldn't matter what the heck his intentions are - the point is I am not interested in having an A with him. And you are right, it is a lack of respect towards me that he should think I am only worthy of being his side dish. It is difficult in our world for a successful single girl to work with a bunch of men. Most guys are fine but then you get the odd "bad apple" every now and again. You guys have asked why am I concerned about this? I guess the truthful answer to that would be that I guess if he was single, I would probably be interested in him. But irregardless, he is not and I will have to make an effort to stay away from him whenever I can. To answer another question, no I don't think it is something I am doing that is giving him the wrong impression. I don't act any differently with him as I do with any of the other guys I work with. There is just something different about the way this guy acts with me.
jj33 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Its not your fault but he is picking up on that. I know it was the same with me and xMM. I was if anything more reserved around him than other people because I knew he was interested in me, and I used to say oh God no!!! to myself but there was a little part of me that thought too bad he isnt single. And obviously he picked up on that. Lessen your contact with him. Its a slippery slope as you know. Minimize the lunches if you cant reasonably stop them all together. Or tease him back and say thats a little flirtatious eh? let him know you think hes being too friendly but in a nice way. He is a colleague and you dont want to put damage your working relationship. If you say that once or twice he will get the message he will get it. Alternatively just dont flirt back. If he says oh xyz and expects you to say oh yes blah blah blah? just pretend you dont understand. That also works really well. Dont play back with the flirting or innuendo and eventually it will stop. If he asks you whats wrong Im not sure I would say anything. You cant accuse him of trying something when he hasnt and you do not want to suggest you have other feelings for him. Nothing is wrong, you are just keeping firmer boundaries (but that is not his business that is far too personal to discuss with him). It is REALLY annoying to have to deal with that at work and I hate it. I always thought it would stop as I got older but so far it has not. I think its something that some people do at work to pass the time and amuse themselves and if you are friendly and outgoing, then it happens more rather than less. Others dont really know how else to interact with women. It sucks but thats life.
Author BurriedAlive Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 I know it IS really annoying!!! I mean seriously guys, get a life! I am starting to wonder if I am a magnet for them. And yes, I am friendly & outgoing so maybe that's the problem! lol I think ending up in an A can be prevented by not putting myself in dangerous situations. For example avoid overnight business trips at all costs and alcohol! Especially a combination of the two! lol. Luckily my company has a no alcohol, zero tolerance policy so that's good. I guess another tactic would be to bring other people along instead of being alone with him. Last week he asked me to lunch and then another guy said "oh where are you going?" It's like "do you want to come along????" (please!) So all in all I am probably doing the right things....
jj33 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Yes it definitely sounds like you are doing the right things and even if you are away on busines what happens is YOUR choice. My concern is you sound like you may waver with this guy if you found yourself alone but think back to the pain of the affair. You have to get your mind into a position where it doesnt matter WHO you were alone and drunk with on a desert island. You dont want to be with a married man.
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I guess the truthful answer to that would be that I guess if he was single, I would probably be interested in him. But irregardless, he is not and I will have to make an effort to stay away from him whenever I can. Just don't cross the lines with him and definately don't let yourself 'feel' something for him. To answer another question, no I don't think it is something I am doing that is giving him the wrong impression. I don't act any differently with him as I do with any of the other guys I work with. There is just something different about the way this guy acts with me Then because you're aware he is different with you, stop flirting with him in that way. You can still be friendly but just don't flirt back with him. Also, because you DO like him, he could be picking up on your own vibes..
fooled once Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Maybe he is just being friendly? Does not sound to me like he is hitting on you. Maybe you subconsciously wish he was hitting on you?
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