Want my wife back but made mistakes !

[Homer71]

After reading loads of posts on here any advice would be welcomed. Sorry it's long and messed up but so is my head.

My wife of 10 yrs, lover 17yrs and best friend of 20 yrs walked out left me 6mths ago no reason just she told me on the monday and had a new house and moved in the following saturday. I took it lightly at the time thought it was just a phase and she wouldn't go through with it as we told each other we loved each eveyday of our lives, our sex life was fantastic we always made plans for the future just had our best family holiday ever 3 weeks before.

But she went and from that moment on my life has been a complete mess that same weekend we got back together but a week later the living apart didn't work and again we were apart.

All that time we had contact when she dropped off her stepson I would go to the car and try to get answers to why this had happened.

Then one day she decided that the only way it would work was if she moved back in to the family home she moved in everyone was totally happy asked her to renew our vows and she planned a celebration meal then after just 2 weeks later she just walked out and this time left her stepson with me but we still kept in contact by phone Text and every oppotuntity face to face was impossible to avoid as she came every morning to take her son to school over xmas we bought gifts together as she had no money and I spoilt her with gifts, xmas day we kissed had the greatest sex we'd ever had.

Boxing day she was poorly and as she was on her own I asked her to come home for a couple of days so I new she would be ok. After the 2 days she went and I never heard another thing from her for 2 weeks.

When the stepson went back to school again I saw her everyday and again there seemed to be a connection but through all this I was struggling for money as I was keeping her son but she was claiming the benefits but not helping me so I decided too confront her 1 day and that was probably the worst thing I've ever done I got myself in a state over it and made some stupid decisions she left and told me she would never come back ever again and ultimatly cost me any chance of a reconciliation with my wife. The following monday it was my birthday she'd told me previously she'd bought me a personal sentimental gift and a sentimental card which I still saw as a connection that there was still something there, but I never got either not even a happy birthday wish.

She then told me 2 weeks later she had started seeing someone else but I managed to keep calm about it although it was eating me up inside and still does.

Again a couple of weeks went by with no contact but again I saw her and again tried to convince her it could work and seemed to make a connection with her the only weird thing she said was she wanted a divorce to close chapters in her life and make a new start but the words and phrases she used were that it could be with me. Then I got up 1 day and I had a text saying she wanted a divorce for unreasonable behaviour to which I disagree with the reasons and she told me if i didn't agree she would move away and i'd never see her again. Through this she seems to be the one who as been left she can't face up to memories and visit places we've been together or activities we've done and other things she does and says seems to make it seem as if i left her.

It's had been 7 weeks since I've seen her but I had contacted her to find out some answers even if I don't like em but still nothing I've asked her to tell me she doesn't love me or even say if the love she feels is different but she doesn't which if she did I could let go but she doesn't answer but all along her bond is growing with the new man in her life. Last week I met someone and decided I would tell my ex thought it was the right thing to do now i wish I hadn't Ive ended my relationship because it wouldn't be fair on her at present due to the strong feelings i have for my ex, now in my mind it'll only drive her and her partner closer together and that point she'd been with him 7 weeks and she hadn't even introduced him to her 3 sons.

I'm tempted all the time to send her a letter stating all the memories and things that meant things to us.

I seen all the websites that say no contact sort yourself out then make contact but I think the way this no contact works is you give up and move on so it's seen as a success. The only good to come out of this is I've lost 6 stone and feel a lot healthier. This no contact goes against every feeling I have I'm a fighter and would fight to the very end and that is why I want her too say I don't love you because I know that is the end and all the time i've known her she is the type that would say she doesn't hold back, but she won't say it.

[Chessy02]

I think the sad truth is that it over. Before getting to the part where you stated that she has a new man, i figured that because of the way she was acting like she is still to make her mind and probably feeling guilty, but her feelings for the OM got the better of her. I believe you have done all you could and time to move on.

 

With time she will regret her errors but then you would have moved on. The table would have turned when she becomes the pursuer, that is when she get dumped by the OM. Good luck and continue to hold on there for your sake.

[Homer71]

The trouble is I know if I did become the persued I would always drop anything for her the only way I ever find to cope with this sort of stuff is to hate and I can't find it in me to hate her. I know they say if you love someone set them free and if it's meant to be they'll come back. I just can't find it in me to set her free I know all this stuff on here about no contact sounds great n easy but I want her to know stuff about our past memories to keep the thought of me alive within her and I really need answers to have closure. And I think deep inside I want to push her to say I don't love you and we'll never get back together but it never comes all I get is you never no what will happen in the future and I know this gives her control and power. Everything I do at the moment is false it's not me, every smile is fake and laugh is manufactured nothing sinks in and conversation is difficult I used to be able to look anyone in the eye now my gaze averts from people my confidence is totally shot to pieces.

[Biggie25x]

I know what you're going through, read my thread a story similar to this happened to me just a few weeks ago. The pain and emotions you're going through are intense and nothing you've done will prepare you for them. While I am no where near recovered I can say it does get a little better.

 

As hard as it is try to find information about doing a 180 in a marriage. This is really the only way you'll get back to being who you want to be. It was harder the first couple days but it gets easier as you start to do some introspection and realize you'll be fine with or without her in time. Doing the 180 has improved my outlook is helping me find myself again. It's counter intuitive and at first you don't think it is right for you but you'll find it does start to help. I too wanted to fight for my marriage but you have to realize that while it takes two to make a marriage work it only takes one to destroy it. The burden eventually goes to them to prove they want to be with you too. They do know you want to work on the marriage, you have tried to explain you're intentions/mistakes. They know, they heard it, it's up to them to show you now that they want it as well. That they want the marriage to work and to fight for it to work. That is what you deserve no matter what you may be feeling now. Just keep telling yourself that you deserve someone that wants to be with you. If she doesn't than she's not the one you thought she was. There is someone out there just waiting for you to find them that wants to fight to be with you. If your partner doesn't want to fight for you like you fight for her, than you will find one that does. You deserve no less.

 

Whatever you choose to do to better yourself, do it for yourself. To make you better and happier. This way no matter what you both win. If you are apart it makes YOU better and happier, on the road to recovery. If you get back together you BOTH get to experience and benefit from the changes you've made. Either way you're covered.

 

Keep posting and reading, all I can say is this forum has helped me get to the point I'm at faster than I would have without it. There is great advice to be found.