LivinginaFog Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I had an affair - details in a previous post. My H and I are in MC and IC. One think we've learned/read is that I must make some sort of restitution/compensation to him. I cannot figure out what this is. It is not like stealing $ from someone and returning the money. I am sure it means giving him back trust. I have given him all my emails and passwords, I changed my cell #, cut off all contact with OM, tell him where I am going, etc, but how is this "restitution." Does anyone have any ideas? Thanks
Athena Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 For him this might be 'peace of mind' which was shattered, along with his sense of Trust, after the disclosure of the A. If you can somehow restore his peace of mind, that must be restitution enough.
imagine Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 You must give a complete account of where you are going, answer any questions about the affair. Give any access code without argument. There is no restitution. You have to build up a new marriage from the bones of the last. Tackle this job carefully.
lostsunsets Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Never imply, say, suggest, or infer that he "should just get over it" or "can't we get beyond this". Nobody heals until he heals. Did he find out or did you confess?
seibert253 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Sometimes it takes years to rebuild the unconditional love and trust that you shattered. The only thing you can do to repair this is to be open, honest, and trustworthy.
lostsunsets Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 You would probably get more ideas if you dialogued instead of just posted once. JMHO
Reggie Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Restitution can be an important component for forgiveness to occur. Judaism is very big on this concept. It helps the injured party get past the resentment and also helps the offender forgive him/herself as it is a tangible sign of remorse. I have suggested this as a means of quantifying what you owe: First, quantify the number of sexual encounters and multiply that number by the cost of an encounter with a hooker in your area. Factor in the other costs of the affair, the babaysitting your H may have unknowingly done to subsidize the affair, the cost of any gifts or entertainment involving the OM, the cost of counseling for you and your H, STD testing cost, and whatever else you can think of that is a monetary cost of the affair. Maybe multiply that by some number that you and your H agree would be applied toward the anguish component he expierienced. Once you comne up with a figure, it is up to you to earn that money(maybe a second job, or any way you can earn money over and above your normal contribution to the family. Then, your H and family get to use the money in a way that they choose, to enjoy themselves as you did during the affair. It would have to be doing things that fit within their moral codes, like buying Harleys or taking vacations. You have hurt your family in a very concrete way and paying them back ,similarly,is appropriate.
Author LivinginaFog Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 I told him about the affair. I just wonder, other than time, what else I can do. I've done all of the suggestions: open door policy, have NOT said nor do I feel he should get over it.
pelicanpreacher Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Try to remember him in all things you do and think for selfishness and the arrogance of self-entitlement got you into this mess so selflessness and the sacrifice of ego will ultimately lead you out of it. Show that you are committed to staying to this path through thought and deed and time will eventually close the gap you've created by your infidelity and mend the rift yawing wide in your relationship.
tami-chan Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 I told him about the affair. I just wonder, other than time, what else I can do. I've done all of the suggestions: open door policy, have NOT said nor do I feel he should get over it. Nothing. There's nothing more you can do but wait. However, you have to also decide how much waiting and being at his mercy you will allow yourself....it can't be forever, that's no way to live, in my opinion. While I believe that the BS is within his/ her right to take as much time as he/she wants to heal, I also do not believe in keeping anybody emotionally captive.
Reggie Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Living, what you describe is not restitution. You are simply living as you may need to live after this betrayal to help alleviate mistrust. But, you are not making restitution. Restitution requires a form of repayment to compensate for the injured party's loss. You absolutely can make restitution. It may not restore the marriage but you can still make the payments.
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I had an affair - details in a previous post. My H and I are in MC and IC. One think we've learned/read is that I must make some sort of restitution/compensation to him. I cannot figure out what this is. It is not like stealing $ from someone and returning the money. I am sure it means giving him back trust. I have given him all my emails and passwords, I changed my cell #, cut off all contact with OM, tell him where I am going, etc, but how is this "restitution." Does anyone have any ideas? Thanks If you think all you did was violate his trust... then I'm not really sure how to proceed. Trust is like 20% of the hurt here. The other 80% is Respect! If you don't respect him... you don't love him.
jnj express Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 There is nothing you can give him, you have taken away his carefree life, you have taken the enjoyment of doing things , of being in a wonderful mge, having a great time with his family, his days of enjoyment and being carefree are gone, you have taken that from him forever. You have now given him a life of pain, hurt, terrible visions, and lack of trust. Try helping him get thru these things that you have brought into his life
Tabuu Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I had an affair - details in a previous post. My H and I are in MC and IC. One think we've learned/read is that I must make some sort of restitution/compensation to him. I cannot figure out what this is. It is not like stealing $ from someone and returning the money. I am sure it means giving him back trust. I have given him all my emails and passwords, I changed my cell #, cut off all contact with OM, tell him where I am going, etc, but how is this "restitution." Does anyone have any ideas? Thanks If he wants "details" of the A, are U goiing to tell him, Blow by Blow, what U did wiith the OM, sexually?......Does he really wants to know,I know being a Man, I would, and Does he feel Repulse, when he touches u,?...... I think it is a Fair and good judge, on how the survival of the Relationship is going to be......
boldjack Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Restitution IS returning what YOU destroyed. You destroyed his marriage that he was happy in, You destroyed his wife, and put a lying cheater in her place, you destroyed his trust in the woman he married, you destroyed his self-respect and showed him hate and contempt. you ruined his past with your cheating. These are what you must make restitution for. ALL these things you must restore. Absolute transparency, TOTAL NC with the OM, and making him understand that HE IS EVERYTHING TO YOU, are good starters.
Reggie Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 There is nothing you can give him, you have taken away his carefree life, you have taken the enjoyment of doing things , of being in a wonderful mge, having a great time with his family, his days of enjoyment and being carefree are gone, you have taken that from him forever. You have now given him a life of pain, hurt, terrible visions, and lack of trust. Try helping him get thru these things that you have brought into his life Well, some BS's claim that they get past it and the are happier than ever. So, if they are telling the truth, this is not so. Not sure how they do it. But, they claim to.
Author LivinginaFog Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 Just to update - I do have NC with OM, am working to change things in my life to give more time to my husband and my marriage, and, tellng him all the things about him that I usually keep inside - like how wonderful he is as a person, spouse, father, professional and that I do indeed think he is hot. Seems that many people talk about rebuilding trust and respect as the ultimate payment so that is what I have sworn to do. Thanks to everyone - he has my log in and reads all of these as well so you are helping both of us.
Bryanp Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Hello, I just have to ask that if you feel that your husband is wonderful as a person, spouse, father, professional and believe he is hot; then why did you cheat on him for 9 months behind his back? If the roles had been reversed, do you think that you would have been as accepting and forgiving as your husband? Do you feel you would have accepted his explanation of not being honest with you until forced because he simply did not wish to hurt you or that he simply did not wish to suffer the consequences of his actions? I am sure your husband is thinking of some of these same questions. I wish you luck.
Reggie Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I still think your H should get lifetime golf at Pebble Beach on your dollar(or , something that he values a lot). Restoring trust etc is great, but it is not resitituion. Do some reading on the value of restitution. You can make restitution in addition to the other stuff. WTF, you got all that excitement and pleasure from your affair, right? Maybe he should get some fun that fits within his moral code out of this.
2sure Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Restitution can be an important component for forgiveness to occur. Judaism is very big on this concept. It helps the injured party get past the resentment and also helps the offender forgive him/herself as it is a tangible sign of remorse. When I first read this I was angry. No amount of money or its equivalent could help me forgive. But then I thought about it and its brilliant. Saving money, making sacrifices, putting it towards your marriage, etc. is something TANGIBLE you can do when there is nothing else active to do or when you are doing everything and waiting for time to heal. After my H's infidelity, he made the first of what turned out to be many vacation plans. Instead of using his down time IMing, texting, etc. he used it to research destinations. This probably helped him during that time he missed the distraction of OW. I almost didnt go, but am glad I did. We went to Venice Italy. You cannot walk around that city without getting your life in perspective. It is so damaged , sinking but fighting, so beautiful it is heartbreaking. The time away forced us to be together, in a place where you can only be a lover, at a time where I was ready to turn my back. So yes, physical restitution has its place.
Author LivinginaFog Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 I understand your questions to me. I agree it sounds weird. It is like once I told him and we started talking I saw him in the light I had when we married. Obviously I was unhappy in my marriage which clouded how I saw my husband - I wanted him and loved him but wasn't happy. I know this makes no sense. As I've said to him - how do you explain the irrational.
troubadour Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 How do you explain the irrational? LivinginaFog... there is nothing irrational about your affair. You knew exactly what you were doing. You are just deluding your husband... and some readers of this forum. You should give yourself more credit... you appear to be very rational person. Apparently you were very logical and convincing in deceiving him for a long, long time. If it was not for an investigation at your work place... he would be still perfectly unaware and happy cockhold husband. And it was when you couldn't lie any longer... you started telling him about explaining the irrational and the pixie dust. But even if we assume for moment that your affair was really a result of irrational behavior on your part... how do you know that it will not happen again in the future. After all... you can't explain the irrational, right?
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I understand your questions to me. I agree it sounds weird. It is like once I told him and we started talking I saw him in the light I had when we married. Obviously I was unhappy in my marriage which clouded how I saw my husband - I wanted him and loved him but wasn't happy. I know this makes no sense. As I've said to him - how do you explain the irrational. I understand this is hard. I've been where you are right now. With a history of unhappiness and irrationality, how do you plan to prove that won't happen again? - Trust If you were so unhappy, Why didn't you begin the process of ending the marriage before you started up with someone else? - Respect What has changed about you? You are still the same person who did this right?
Dexter Morgan Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I had an affair - details in a previous post. My H and I are in MC and IC. One think we've learned/read is that I must make some sort of restitution/compensation to him. I cannot figure out what this is. It is not like stealing $ from someone and returning the money. I am sure it means giving him back trust. I have given him all my emails and passwords, I changed my cell #, cut off all contact with OM, tell him where I am going, etc, but how is this "restitution." Does anyone have any ideas? Thanks for me, "restitution" would be that IF I were to stay with a cheater, which I won't, then there would have to be a set of ground rules that would be followed. A particular set of "priveliges" that thecheater would have to lose in order to prove to me I am more important than things that I am no longer comfortable with her doing that more easily spawns cheating. Example, if I decided to give a SO a 2nd chance, and she was the type to go out with friends to clubs and come home late....those days would be over and over without complaint. Either clubbing and rubbing ass on other guys on a dancefloor and coming home after 2am is over, or the relationship wasn't that important to her. so to me, restitution would be showing me through actions and changing behaviors to prove to me that I am important to her. Or more to the point, losing the lifestyle that was condusive to her cheating. yes, they can cheat anywhere, but more easily in certain social settings.
2sure Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 for me, "restitution" would be that IF I were to stay with a cheater, which I won't, ... !! Ground Breaking Statement. You entertained the thought! Plus the rules and examples you list are important, necessary, and tangible changes. In fact, I think a BS that chooses to stay with WS...has to assume some responsibility, or obligation , to enforce rules like this..if they are staying to save the marriage.
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