ANN77 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Well, i found out about a few weeks ago. I had this gut feeling in the pit of my stomach. I confronted him about it and he would not say he was or wasnt. A week later i just had it. I told him if he didnt tell me the truth, he would have to leave. I mean it was just hurting so bad. Im pregnant with my 4th child. And hes out doing the deed with some random women that he meet while working(doing a detail) hes a police officer. Comes to find out its been going on for about almost a year. That just really pissed me off. I feel betrayed, depressed, very low selfesteem and i fell like some just stabbed me in the heart. He is still living with me in the house with the kids. He claims its not going to happen again. But seeing someone for that long and just calling it quits i dont think so. I still beleive he is seeing her. I dont even know who she is. I would love to find out. But he just wont say. I dont know what to do
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Bullcrap! He says it isn't going to happen again, yet this has been going on for atleast a year? You don't know HALF of the truth yet. Do yourself a big favour. Kick him out of your house and go talk to a lawyer. Even if you (right now) have NO plans on divorcing him, HE needs to suffer some major consquences of his stupid and selfish choices! Him telling you "it's over" isn't enough. Is this other woman married? If so, contact HER husband and expose their affair. This way it'll have to end as four eyes are better than two...And besides, she'll be too busy dealing with her OWN husband and not yours. Hire a PI, or ask a very trusted friend to follow him. You need the truth so you can decide what you want to do. With three children and another one on the way..Your husband should be bloody ashamed of himself! Pig!! In more ways than one! You have every right to feel the way you do, and please, DO NOT let him turn this on you and make it your fault! He is a broken man inside and his choice to cheat is his and his alone!
pollywag Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 You should do what you should have done the first time you found out he cheated on you, leave him. If he couldn't even respect you while you are pregnant, you are having his child god's sake, then what future expectations can you have for this man? Find a way to build up the courage and put an end to it once and for all.
BW007 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Oh man, I am so sorry you are going through this much hell. Cheating sucks and it does so much harm to everybody, for what? A little bit of physical sensation. A new improved orgasm? My XGF used it as an escape hatch from me I think and it hurts like hell. I have been told over and over to bail out and my situation and mine is much less hectic to get out of than yours, but it is such a spiderweb of different feelings and I am sorry to say you probably should trust your radar and bail out.That is what I am trying to do too. Good luck.
tami-chan Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 You know ONE truth. He cheated. Make a decision base on that.
wuggle Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 If he won't tell you one way or another then I think it is safe to assume that he IS having an affair. If he won't even admit it then you are faced with a tough choice, stay or go. To stay would mean staying with someone who is continuing to have an affair so obviously doesn't feel that is so wrong, so chances are he will continue to do this throughout your marriage, do you love him enough to spend the rest of your life in this sort of arrangment. please don't think I'm judging you if you do stay under these circumstances tha's ok, lots of peole do and and satisfied with life. But from the way you are talking it is seriosuly affecting your view of yourself so I don't think that is best. But that's easy for me to say, I'm not married to him. Do you still love him? Again not judging , if you don't that's understandable. If yes then you need to get him to admit to this firstly, no other way. I suggest you have to tell him that if he doesn't admit to it , go to counselling and to break all contact with this person and recommit to the marriage then it is over. Sorry your hurting, One way or another your probably going to be hurting for a while yet, but please read some of the other stuff on her. Eventually things can and do get better whichever route you choose. Be true to yourself and don't accept a crap life (whatever that might be) take care.
Author ANN77 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 He has admited to having an affair. But i still beleive its still going on.
blueintheface Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 he won't say who she is probably because she doesn't know you're pregnant? just a guess. hire a PI.
NewSunrise Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 He has admited to having an affair. But i still beleive its still going on. You know your gut instinct tells you he is still having an affair. Question is, WHAT do YOU want? Stay married or kick him to the curb? If you want to save your M, then you have to expose the A to everyone. Yes to both families including the OW's. If your H uses a desktop computer, get a keylogger online. Costs about $50. It records the last 250K key strokes and you'll find everything he does online. Go to bestbuy and buy an voice activated tape recorder the size of a small cell phone. Recording time is about 8 hours on slow mode. Take notice of your H daily routines. When he takes his morning shower before he goes to work, plant it under his car seat. When he comes home, make some excuse about needing to borrow his car only if this is something you've done before. Otherwise, remove it as soon as he gets home. I'm sure he'll need to use the bathroom at some point. You can also plant a second tape recorder in his home office and disappear for a little while. Cheaters always take every opportunity to call their co-conspirators. Remember, however that once you get the proof you needed, question still boils down to "now what?" What do YOU want? Save M or kick his azz? A marriage can't be saved if there's only ONE person who wants it. Either way, your H needs a reality shot. You gotta expose the affair NOW! BTW, MA is a "no fault" state. But you should be prepared just in case. Here's a link to get you started. http://www.malawforum.com/content/massachusetts-divorce-family-law-information
wuggle Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Whilst I agree with the first 2 lines of NewSunrise's reply, I disagree with the rest. If you are going to go to that sort of length (keyloggers, PIs etc) then your mariage is already dead. If you want to stay married you must get the truth from him then work through the issues together. If your gut instinct is that he is lying then IMO you should probably just leave. If you spy on him this will probably just p*ss him off and make him angry. If you expose the affair to all outside your marriage what good would that do? especially if you did manage to work through things.
Owl Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Going to "that length"...keyloggers, etc...is how a great many people actually do save their marriage. Because they can't do a darned thing to actually solve the problem until they know what they're facing...and a cheating spouse is a lying spouse. Their only option is to go to "that length" to get the truth...and then deal with the situation. But... in this case we're dealing with a police officer. There's no way a PI can follow him unobtrusively. Nor will he be able to get any kind of "work evidence" against him, given his profession. In this case...the OP has no real alternatives to get more info using that route. Added to the mix is a husband who probably knows how to cover his tracks...he's learned from those he arrests. If he refuses to admit the truth, if he refuses to fully disclose ALL of the pertinent information (her name, how they conducted the affair, etc...)...then your only choice is to file for divorce. Maybe that'll be a wake up call for him...but I wouldn't bet money on it. You'll be better off without him...with someone who CAN be trusted.
NewSunrise Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Agree with Owl. Proof finding is a process BS must go through to get to the bottom. Since WS' abduction by aliens,BS must do the detective work. Keyloggers and tape recorders are cheaper than PI unless you have a friend who is a professional. I not only found out xWH was addicted to porn but he was lying the entire time we were going MC. That's when I decided I was done.
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