ExRadioDJ41 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Hi all, I just found this site from Google. I have been best friends with a woman for 7 years. When I first met her, she was married, and we were JUST friends but we spent a lot of time together (either all 3 of us or just me and her). After she divorced (her husband moved out when they had differences), she almost immediately started letting me know she was interested in me very heavily, but I hesitated because I didn't feel right with her just ending a marriage, and she picked someone else to be the "rebound guy" (they even lived together for a couple of months - he was just a mid-20s kid that hung around her house and played videogames all day. She is in her 30s). We remained friends through that, however, and eventually our relationship started and ended the rebound guys stay. Since then, we've been together now in a relationship for about 5 years. For the most part, it's been troublefree. We don't fight often. We've even lived together for the last 3 years. We had an issue about a year and a half ago where she broke up with me for moving too slow and near immediately (like same week) had sex with another guy that didn't seem too important to her. She labelled it a fling. She's been a strong pusher of marriage almost since we started going out. Shes pretty involved in her church and she always had issues with having sex outside of marriage. It always made her feel like she was doing something wrong. Anyway, the "fling" a year and a half ago ended with me proposing marriage, and her quickly dumping the fling and jumping straight back into our relationship. It's not that I didn't want to get married, but I am a guy, and this would have been my first time, and I guess I was nervous/apprehensive. At first she planned a date, bought a dress, picked out things, etc., and was very very very happy and excited. I postponed the date citing that we weren't ready financially. She was disappointed but picked another date. I postponed that date too. Eventually, we stopped talking about specific dates but still kind of forged ahead as if a marriage would occur but admittedly we started talking about it less and less. For the last few months, a huge red flag had been any diamond commercials coming on the TV, or anything like that, and she would say "we're never getting married", but I wouldn't press the subject because it seemed like an argument waiting to happen or something... And then Valentines Day this year, without her really talking about it to me at all, she broke up with me and moved all of her stuff out of my house back to her house - same reason, citing everything taking too long - and told me she was going on a trip for her job the next week. Even with all of that, believe it or not (duh), I didn't think it was that serious. I thought we were arguing and needed some time apart and we would work things out. It didn't seem like there was any specific relationship ending thing so it would be okay. But when she returned, I later found out the trip was actually with another guy from work and it was nothing business related, and they slept together. I'm 33, and this was my first serious relationship. Definitely the first girl I've ever even considered marrying. When I was in my teens and early 20s, I focused mostly on my job and not dating. I've talked to her since. We're still technically "broken up" and have been for two months now but we have kept contact. She tells me shes miserable now. We talk every day or every other day but she has like a wall of defense setup and doesn't seem like the same person. She does tell me she still loves me. She tells me she still wants to marry me. But she is still seeing this other guy despite me suggesting that she maybe gives our breakup some time. We're still occasionally even sleeping together but it's occasional based on whenever she wants to and not when I want to. I asked her why she jumped into something else so fast and she tells me shes always been the type of person to find someone else so she doesn't just mope around and be sad after ending a relationship. That's just her. But she didn't intend to continue a relationship with me, and she did break up with me, she continues to insist. She says while she wants us to be together and thats what she ultimately thinks will happen, she is afraid to "give into me" and have me do the same thing. I've expressed to her that I actually did want to get married but I guess I was just nervous and when she stopped mentioning it, I guess I just went with that. But I'm very faithful anyway. All of the virtues of marriage I agree with. I actually WANT to be a husband now. I'm not sure if she really doesn't believe me, which I guess would be possible since I've taken too long twice, or if she believes me but doesn't care because of this other guy. She swears hes not the issue. Shes just "in a mess" that will take some time. And she says she wants us to start working together to make things work. I guess I would walk away from this totally but: a) I still love the girl b) I actually want the same thing shes wanted ALL of this time c) I actually feel some blame for what happened. She keeps saying that none of this would have happened if I just married her like I said. I do know that I took too long, and I hurt her feelings doing so. d) We do have long history e) She is my first serious relationship; you all probably remember how difficult that was to walk away from... I don't like her tactics at all of like bullying me into a marriage or treating our relationship so throwaway. I guess I'm not sure what to do. It's made a little more difficult by the fact that I moved 300 miles away for work and am living in a town where I don't really know anyone that isn't connected to her. All of my friends are her relatives or friends. Now I feel almost totally alone. Any advice welcomed...
troubadour Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 It is not what you want to hear but... just move on. Start going out and make some new friends. The sooner you forget about her the better for you. I hope you are aware that it is very likely that she was cheating on you with the guy from work, when you two were still living together. Just cut off all contact with her and move on.
carhill Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Major attachment issues, IMO. I'd call this one a lesson learned. With the right partner, you'll feel validated and supported and want to marry.
Author ExRadioDJ41 Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 I hope you are aware that it is very likely that she was cheating on you with the guy from work, when you two were still living together. I'd agree BUT we spent every minute of every day together (or she'd be at my house - she works nights so most days she'd be sleeping). In retrospect, I see now that for the last few months she'd emotionally detached herself, but her schedule didn't change at all. Get home from work at exactly the same time, leave for work at exactly the same time, cellphone activity the same (I pay the bills; get the phone activity logs), not leaving for any unusual periods - we'd go 90% of all places together. But I'm partially agreeing with the rest of what you said. Thanks.
troubadour Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I'd agree BUT we spent every minute of every day together (or she'd be at my house - she works nights so most days she'd be sleeping). In retrospect, I see now that for the last few months she'd emotionally detached herself, but her schedule didn't change at all. Get home from work at exactly the same time, leave for work at exactly the same time, cellphone activity the same (I pay the bills; get the phone activity logs), not leaving for any unusual periods - we'd go 90% of all places together. But I'm partially agreeing with the rest of what you said. Thanks. ExRadioDJ41, if you want a recipe for a perfect affair... have it with someone you work with and limit it only to your work houres. Just don't call, text, or email your affair partner when you go home. Don't act in a strange manner and don't mention your affair partner in conversations with your spouse. If you do the above it is extremely unlikely that your spouse will ever find out about it unless you decide to tell. But her case may be an exception... sometimes it happens.
melodymatters Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 These all sound like " guy answers". As a woman, No, I do not believe in giving ultimatums re: marriage, BUT, I DO believe in being allowed to set my own boundries on what is comfortable for me, and for how long it remains comfortable. I walked away from a guy who proposed and then " took it back". That was my right as it surely is hers. I'm not so sure about her jumping into rleationships with other guys so quickly, but lets be honest, MANY do it, and often times for the reasons she described, NOT because she's the whoriest whore who ever lived ! If YOU, are 110% SURE you want to marry this woman, the only way is to do it " for real" this time. propose, set a date, and STICK to it. Otherwise, I personally would just think you were a noncommital flake, and quite frankly, a waste of my time. Sorry, but I am trying to be honest, and remember this is just MY, one womans opinion. PS. The "took back his proposal guy" is still pining years later I hear, and I am happily married
melodymatters Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 MOST of us emotionally detach while we prepare to leave someone we love. This is not a sign of a secret torrid work affair, just human nature. She seems to go for easy, comfort guys after a heartbreak, younger guy, work pal, doesn't mean she ever cheated, thats crappy logic !
Author ExRadioDJ41 Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 If YOU, are 110% SURE you want to marry this woman, the only way is to do it " for real" this time. propose, set a date, and STICK to it. Otherwise, I personally would just think you were a noncommital flake, and quite frankly, a waste of my time. Sorry, but I am trying to be honest, and remember this is just MY, one womans opinion. I actually appreciated your answer most of all as I believe it's closer to what occured. I don't think she cheated. I think she got tired of our situation and rushed too fast when we could've worked things out. However, in this process, I do believe she developed actual feelings for the guy. I don't believe it will last, but I have made very clear that I would set a date and STICK to it, and she tells me it's too late. (But even as of a week ago she was thinking of breaking up with new guy; telling me that she still must be confused; thats the only thing that makes me wonder what to do...). On Saturday March 28th she left a message on my voicemail after I initiated no contact for about 3 days stating that she broke ties with the new guy. I called her back pretty much right away after hearing that and we started basic phone communication again. It was nice, but it was reserved and ackward. You could tell that not everything was being said. We had short basic conversations about nothing throughout the week. Flash forward to Thursday, April 2nd, where she just doesn't come home from work at all. She doesn't answer calls from me on Thursday, so I choose not to answer her calls Friday/Saturday/Sunday/Monday. Next time I see her, Tuesday, April 6th, where she comes home from work WITH new guy. (We live right next door to each other). I of course expected thats who she was with but was a little surprised to see her bringing him home. When we talked/argued later when she came over to my house (to borrow a pot she said), she said that she did break ties with new guy when she said but new guy begged/pleaded for her back. Then she left for work with him that Tuesday night and hasn't come back since. She called me yesterday, where I again asked her if she was happy. This time she says yes. She said her "miserable" answer before referred to her having to make a decision (implying that shes made her final decision). She asks me if things don't work out with new guy if I would go out with her again. I say no. She says she understands. She again mentions none of this would've happened if we'd married. She said thats all it would've taken to make her happy. I again emphasized that I'm really wanting to be married at this point. She said something about believing thats what I want now, but what if I changed my mind again. I said I wouldn't of course. We had a pretty nice honest-seeming talk for about 40 minutes. She said she misses me. Misses being intimate with me. Things like that. (Then why isn't she around?) Then she quickly said she had to go (guess the new guy came around). She calls again last night when I was out to dinner with a mutual friend to both of us (female) and she acted all jealous and quickly said bye and hung up. She calls again this morning, this time to ask if I'm going to turn her cellphone off and/or when, and ask about material things. I mentioned that if all of this was truly over whether or not I would follow through with a commitment of marriage, we could go to a nearby state where they don't have a waiting period, and don't require an advance blood test, and get married same-day. We could've had a legal marriage so I could've proven to her I was serious, then had a formal ceremony some other date. She gives a generic "something to think about" answer, when I tell her it's not really something to think about, it's something to do or not do, upon which she tells me that it's too late. I didn't persist anymore and we started talking about something else. Eventually I went to reminding her of something she told me about how I'm the only boyfriend shes ever had that hasn't cheated on her at one point. She told me that she doesn't really know what I have or haven't done implying that I could've/might've done something wrong (I never have - never even wanted to). We turned it to total argument at one point and she told me next time she was in town she would be over to pick up her remaining stuff from my house. She told me never to call her again. I haven't even been calling lately. I think I already know what all of this means: Shes been calling me when she wants to just to kind of check up on me. Maybe string me along. But not because shes serious about getting back together. Because now she thinks shes happy. Whatever I offer now isn't going to be appreciated because she is apparently quite into Mr. New Guy, which I still believe wont last. So I guess no contact is the only thing that makes sense either to a) make things less painful for me if this is really it and maybe it should be, or b) give her time to miss me/change her mind. The only thing I don't like about NC now is it makes it seem like I wasn't serious/sincere/dedicated/commited but I have kind of said everything there is to say. I can't tell if repeating the same things is what she needs since part of this was my fault or if its like others suggest that it's just pushing her away (I suspect the latter). I just feel like I was so close to getting married to her. Something I actually want. I thought our relationship really would be forever and I was ready for that. One other issue that bothers me even as a friend to her: I feel like shes not even being herself. Shes very active in the church, turned me into going to weekly services with her where I hadn't been going previously. In the past two months, shes gone once (with me, at my insistance). Every other Sunday, she hasn't come home, or one week came home with new guy. She told me once that attending her church is the thing that made her happiest in life. Got anymore thoughts, Melody? (Or anyone else too...)
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