burnwithme Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 My girlfriend of 2 years just broke up with me about 4-5 days ago. I was her first serious boyfriend, and the only person she had done anything intimate with other than kissing. We have been in a long distance relationship about 5-6 hour drive apart, and we see each other about an average of a week or so per month that we aren't together. For the last two summers, I was living with her. For reasons of my own, i HAD to move back here, away from her, and she got the wrong idea that i chose a material possession over her... I didn't i just had to have a place to live! So we broke up kinda over that back in september for a month, getting back together in november. The thing that brought her back to me was watching a comedian that I showed her and referred to a lot when we first started dating. she watched him with some friends, and just died from depression, saying that I was the one for her, and she fell back in love with me. Fast forward to monday. She calls me, saying that she doesn't want to be my girlfriend anymore, that she's gone from a "HEY! Yay talking to Sean" kinda attitude, to "oh. yeah just another conversation with Sean." kinda attitude. The conversation, needless to say, didn't go so well, and i wasn't able to play it cool... I kinda freaked out, and things didnt go so well. Despite this, she and I texted casually (because, for the last 2 years, we had never gone a single day without talking... Couldn't just give everything up, i guess) and even had a couple phone calls. I did act cool and collected for a couple phone calls, until the night before last. Before this conversation, i was ok and positive and confident about things.... the RIGHT thing to do, yes? Well.. this conversation I pushed to find answers, and told her how hurt I was by her... It was kinda brutal I guess, but I told her she had the right to know how I felt. She had said during the breakup that the last thing she wanted to do was to hurt me... So, upon talking about this, she somewhat abruptly said she had to go. It wasn't good. The next day, texting ceased. I hadn't heard from her all day... a first... ever. So i texted her, saying hey, i'm still cool with being friends. She said she already knew that. Backup a couple days (sorry, i'm kinda scatter-brained, haha). She had been requesting that I burn a music CD for her (in hopes that the music would do the same thing that seeing the comedian did again... Making her realise how much she misses me), with a bunch of the music that we had listened to together, and music of mine that she liked. I kept forgetting, until the day after breakup. I burned her a large CD, with 20 some odd artists, and also included a drawing of a heart with our names in it that I did over Valentines day, that she had already seen. I simply forgot to have her take it when she left last visit. I included a short letter, explaining the drawing in brief, and mentioned a card that she had given me after our last breakup saying something along the lines of "All of me wants all of you, no bits and pieces, no here and there. All of me wants all of you, heart and soul... "etc etc. so, i briefly mentioned that quote, and said "so here you are" (in reference to the heart I had drawn) So yesterday, after the text about being friends , she said that she got my package. She hadn't opened it, til later last night (She went silent on me after asking how she was doing slightly after that) . I didn't press into details too much, but she never mentioned the letter or the drawing. Now, today, she texted me once.. I didn't reply. 3 or 4 hours later, she texted again, saying "Are you alive?" i replied "yeah, just busy. Hows work." her response "Work is good got a whole bunch of new music to listen to so i have been dancing and stuff all day trying to have fun so it goes by faster" My questions are... With this kind of attitude, it's somewhat obvious that maybe, just maybe she still has interest in me. What are steps I can do to help keep this flame growing, from the small spark it may be, to a large, hearty fire? With this kind of attitude of hers, texting me and whatnot, whats the best course of action? Should I text her when she texts me, or should I just ignore her, making her crazy about why I'm suddenly not talking to her? I've heard thats the best way, but i'm afraid that that may turn her possible mutual feelings to resentment.. I dont want that. This girl means everything to me.... I really want to drop out of college (i'm not even taking any real classes anyway, just some here and there...) and go out there, hoping that maybe being in person will help things. but i don't know. AHHH i'm so crazy. Thanks for reading
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Aww, I'm sorry to hear you're hurting.. All I can say is, atleast right now, you two can't be friends..And for your own sanity, try to distance yourself from her. No more chatting online, talking on the phone..It's doing more damage to you. She ended it and isn't interested right now in continuing with you. Going no contact atleast has afew advantages..It makes her miss you and wonder about you..Does that mean she'll want you again? Maybe, maybe not..But it is better than dealing with how things are now. And in the meantime, less you see/talk to her, the better YOU will feel. Those feelings won't get stirred up all the time. Make sense?
EmperorR Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 You can't be friends at this moment it won't work and will just lead to more and more heartbreak for you. Your Ex is doing what most do, you call them they love to talk to their new friend but as soon as you mention "US", or how your "feeling" they suddenly have to go, its classic. And now she has the upper hand, she doesn't text you, because she emotionally detached from you, so your wondering wow we've been toghet for years talked like every day suddenly she can not talk to me no way she can't, oh yes she can. You texting her is showing her how needy and clingy you are. Notice how when you didn't reply she was wondering where her new puppet was? Sorry man she has no interest in you at this moment, except as a friend, a ego booster, someone she knows will be there when shes bored or needs a cd, or a your the best person ever, or will you take me out to dinner etc. etc. Why would you drop out of college? Don't, what you need to do is this, CEASE ALL CONTACT. Block her on facebook,myspace,twitter etc., block her msn yahoo icq,whatever you use, don't text her, don't call her, if she text you DELETE, if she calls you don't pick up. Let her know you will not be downgraded into some friend. There is no best way to bring someone back, but going NC, will detoxify her from you, it will tkae her off the pedastool you have set up for her in that she's the best thing ever bla bla bla. And will remove the rose coloured love cataracts from your eyes. Heal yourself and maybe one day you will be friends, maybe she will miss you tons realize her mistake and come back to you, but maybe by then you won't want her back.
Author burnwithme Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 I see... Thank you tons for your replies... I dunno.. again, I just don't want our possibly mutuality to be turned into hatred on her end! But i do think that right now, i'm not going to contact her for the weekend. Should i still reply to her texts and stuff? to me, that seems like it would give her the upper hand. I mean... whats the possibility of that? Also, I'm going out there in two weeks (april 16-19). Originally it was to go see her, but then this happened, and i am still going out there to visit friends and family, before coming back here. I'm going to be moving back out there in mid may, so what would be the best course of action in the mean time (in terms of us. I am going to finish the semester out.)? In terms of me, since this has all gone down, i have been working out as often as i can, and going for about a 30 minute run every day. Trying to keep busy, but another hard aspect is not having a job. I cant get one... turned in application after application. Luckily, i HAVE found some under the table, temporary one or two day jobs that my teacher actually helped me get. With all this extra time (22 hours most days, 2 hours for the two classes i'm taking), all i can do is sit and think, and think, and ponder, and wonder about her. Every single aspect of my life, i see her in. i cant forget! its so hard. The initial breakup conversation we had, i asked her if she thought that we could get back together once i'm back out there, eliminating the long distance thing. She said "Maybe. I don't know... " kinda stuff. I sadly cant remember the exact words, but that was basically it. After all, she did say that that played a big part in it, and I can honestly see how that is. But on the same hand, she also said that she stopped loving me, that my words didn't really mean much anymore, that i guess my ideas and her ideas have started to be really different, and she doesnt agree with mine anymore... I am COMPLETELY lost in that sense, because she never actively spoke up about those things, so i have NO idea what shes referring to. So we agreed to go to lunch and all that when i'm out there... Advice for now, and for when I am out there and able to see her? Thank you again! Er, and one last thing. Does the fact that we have already broken up and gotten back together automatically mean we wont make up again? I totally undersand how one breakup can be salvaged, but I'm wondering if two makes a person completely doubt the chances.
EmperorR Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I see... Thank you tons for your replies... I dunno.. again, I just don't want our possibly mutuality to be turned into hatred on her end! But i do think that right now, i'm not going to contact her for the weekend. Should i still reply to her texts and stuff? to me, that seems like it would give her the upper hand. I mean... whats the possibility of that? Trust me, put yourself first, that is what she is doing, no one knows the future or what it holds work on right now you. Why would it turn on hatred? she dumped you, she can't expect to get her cake and eat to. Also, I'm going out there in two weeks (april 16-19). Originally it was to go see her, but then this happened, and i am still going out there to visit friends and family, before coming back here. I'm going to be moving back out there in mid may, so what would be the best course of action in the mean time (in terms of us. I am going to finish the semester out.)? Go NC, avoid her at all costs, text, messages, phone call, meeting up, if you ever run into her, keep it short and sweet, smile on your face, don't get angry, fake it till you make it. In terms of me, since this has all gone down, i have been working out as often as i can, and going for about a 30 minute run every day. Trying to keep busy, but another hard aspect is not having a job. I cant get one... turned in application after application. Luckily, i HAVE found some under the table, temporary one or two day jobs that my teacher actually helped me get. With all this extra time (22 hours most days, 2 hours for the two classes i'm taking), all i can do is sit and think, and think, and ponder, and wonder about her. Every single aspect of my life, i see her in. i cant forget! its so hard. Keeping busy is the main thing that helps, trust me when your doing nothing just sitting there is the worst because you literally get attacked, its why the moments before bed are the worst. Get a library card read books, read the forum here, rent movies, Volunteer. When your alone turn on music, turn on the tv, trust me quietness is the worst THE WORST. And it's still early on it takes time, trust me I've been there checking your phone,email,facebook every second/minute hoping for contact that never comes, wondering why me etc. etc., best thing to do stay busy, Go to bed when your really really really tired, when I do that I fall alsleep instantly and don't get dreams. The initial breakup conversation we had, i asked her if she thought that we could get back together once i'm back out there, eliminating the long distance thing. She said "Maybe. I don't know... " kinda stuff. I sadly cant remember the exact words, but that was basically it. After all, she did say that that played a big part in it, and I can honestly see how that is. But on the same hand, she also said that she stopped loving me, that my words didn't really mean much anymore, that i guess my ideas and her ideas have started to be really different, and she doesnt agree with mine anymore... I am COMPLETELY lost in that sense, because she never actively spoke up about those things, so i have NO idea what shes referring to. So we agreed to go to lunch and all that when i'm out there... Advice for now, and for when I am out there and able to see her? Thank you again! Emotionally detaching, thats what women do,you probably didn't notice the signs, but they were there, maybe you forgot a anniversary date, or didn't call or msg as much,women remember every little tidbit and the more it adds up the further they start there journey from detaching, also LDR's are hard, guys get comfortable easily, women like to be held pampered daily etc. so its hard. If you go out for lunch with her don't expect anything, I would lay it on the line and want to get a answer, Your not a lightswitch you have feelings to and deserve to know if you will get another chance, if not then refuse the friendship, never downgrade yourself.
EmperorR Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Er, and one last thing. Does the fact that we have already broken up and gotten back together automatically mean we wont make up again? I totally undersand how one breakup can be salvaged, but I'm wondering if two makes a person completely doubt the chances. Lots of people breakup and get back together, as long as you worked on teh issues on why you broke up and fixed that it shouldn't be a problem, if there was no cheating etc. You have to know what led to the breakup, was it not giving attention?, not being there when needed? fights arguements etc. and work on that. Look I'm in the same spot you are, I want my ex back more than anything butI ceased all contact with her and yes it hurts, but im putting myself first I won't be downgraded to friend zone, i won't take her breadcrumbs.
Author burnwithme Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 Trust me, put yourself first, that is what she is doing, no one knows the future or what it holds work on right now you. Why would it turn on hatred? she dumped you, she can't expect to get her cake and eat to. Go NC, avoid her at all costs, text, messages, phone call, meeting up, if you ever run into her, keep it short and sweet, smile on your face, don't get angry, fake it till you make it. Keeping busy is the main thing that helps, trust me when your doing nothing just sitting there is the worst because you literally get attacked, its why the moments before bed are the worst. Get a library card read books, read the forum here, rent movies, Volunteer. When your alone turn on music, turn on the tv, trust me quietness is the worst THE WORST. And it's still early on it takes time, trust me I've been there checking your phone,email,facebook every second/minute hoping for contact that never comes, wondering why me etc. etc., best thing to do stay busy, Go to bed when your really really really tired, when I do that I fall alsleep instantly and don't get dreams. Emotionally detaching, thats what women do,you probably didn't notice the signs, but they were there, maybe you forgot a anniversary date, or didn't call or msg as much,women remember every little tidbit and the more it adds up the further they start there journey from detaching, also LDR's are hard, guys get comfortable easily, women like to be held pampered daily etc. so its hard. If you go out for lunch with her don't expect anything, I would lay it on the line and want to get a answer, Your not a lightswitch you have feelings to and deserve to know if you will get another chance, if not then refuse the friendship, never downgrade yourself. So, should I just straight up tell her "look, i'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I don't know how to be your friend (And i really don't because we started dating two weeks or so after we met for the first time!) and i just cant handle that right now." ? There wasn't anything i was really forgetting to mention. In fact, I'll be out there on her graduation date (which means a lot to her and she REALLY wanted me to come to it... Actually, now that I think about it... I did say something about maybe not being able to make it out there for that because of a job... Our 2 year anniversary is june 5th, my birthday is june 7th, and her graduation is june 12th. It was going to be a huge week for us.. I kinda said that if i don't have a job, i might not be able to make it out as early as she wanted.. maybe not for the anniversary.. Now that I think about it, i think that was a HUGE factor. After a little while, though, i told her sure, i'll make it if i can... ****) And yeah, laying in bed at night sucks. Every night. I sit there, in the dark. I don't know whether to play music, because all the music i have, I have listened to with her and it would remind me of those times (again, hence why i burned a whole bunch of music for her after all, hoping to strike that effect on her). i get really tired in the day... it used to be that i would get tired, come home, sleep from like 3-5 or 6, and continue my day, and go back to sleep at 1 or 2 am. But now i'm trying to avoid that midday sleep, so that I can be tired enough to sleep at night... But i cant. I sit and agonise. i watch tv... which sometimes puts me in a good mood. then i turn it off and die. I can't even sleep in anymore. some days I dont have a class til noon, like yesterday, and i woke up automatically at 10 or something (usually i get up half hour before class starts) and just laid in bed. I didn't want to get up, because i dont have anything to do, but i couldnt sleep. Blah, its a vicious cycle. Lots of people breakup and get back together, as long as you worked on teh issues on why you broke up and fixed that it shouldn't be a problem, if there was no cheating etc. You have to know what led to the breakup, was it not giving attention?, not being there when needed? fights arguements etc. and work on that. Look I'm in the same spot you are, I want my ex back more than anything butI ceased all contact with her and yes it hurts, but im putting myself first I won't be downgraded to friend zone, i won't take her breadcrumbs.I've tried to find out what lead to the breakup, but i dont want to push and push for answers, and that doesn't seem to go over well. The issues i DO know...: ~|~Long Distance. ~|~Maybe that I have a tendency to talk about myself a little too much on the phone. ~|~Not going out to see her on my spring break (i had like $50 in the bank with no job.. With gas prices how they are, (cheapest out here in my state, luckily) I might have been able to do it, and i should have asked my mom for a little loan to help get me out there... But i didn't.. 9 days I could have spent with her, that may have made a huge difference. I just figured this out recently, and it's one of those thigns I wish i could go back and do over. ~|~For a similar reason, she said shes "sick of not seeing me because of the money issue." I havent had a job since she came out to visit for two weeks over valentines... I got "fired" under really lame terms.. No source of income really since. EDIT: remembered some possible things.. ~|~A new kid started working with her... This kid is a LOT like me i guess. She has been REALLY influenced by him, and basically cannot stop talking about him. For these reasons, I was becoming "insecure" about our relationship, because all she could do was talk about him. "Yeah, he told me about this great book to read." "Yeah, his theories on 2012 are fascinating!" "Yeah, we talked about the entities we see on shrooms and acid. He experiences a lot of the same stuff as i do!" <This one really hurt me, because she hadn't done psychedelics before me, and through shrooms, we literally fell in love one night. Thats how it started. So my natural reaction was to be like Well.. hey... are you thinking about starting something with him? and that kinda stuff. This was about the time that i had a really strong urge that things weren't right, like we were going to break up. Lo and behold, we did... My feelings on these issues have been 3 for 3 now. Had the exact same kinds of feelings the first time we broke up, before it happened, then it did. Then i had the feeling we were gonna get back together, and we did. Then i got this recent urge that we were gonna break up, and we did. I have made a conscious effort to change the talking about myself thing, but its hard. The money thing, is kinda settled now, but now i have school, and only a couple 3 day weekends before the end of semester.... Thank you! I turned my phone off tonight. The only way i can stop the urge from texting her or wondering if shes going to text me is by doing so. I wouldnt have it on at all this weekend, (shes the only one who really contacts me, sadly) but i am talking to my parents tomorrow and i ahve a temp job on sunday.
Author burnwithme Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 Well, I left my phone off for hours. Turned it off at something like 10 pm last night and didn't turn it back on til 230 pm today. To my COMPLETE surprise, there were no texts, no messages or anything. That's a first... I was hoping for the upper hand in no contact, but it IS the first NC day, after all, so I think that it's alright. Plus, she works like 10-12 hours a day on weekends. Even still... we'll see....
Author burnwithme Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 Ah, i need help! Someone... I'm also getting a very mixed signal... On her myspace, she was very, very quick to change her status to Single, and, the way she's been treating me isnt very friendly, but I'm still her Top, number one friend... I know it's just myspace, bit if she didn't feel this way, she WOULD NOT have kept me there.... What does all this mean? Also, after having read page after page after page of advice in these situations, I see that I've done some things right, but a lot of thigns wrong.. like when we first broke up, i was calm and colelcted about it, then that one night just poured out how i felt, how i was hurt.. I want to go back a week and say hey, i think we should break up, because the way she was acting towards me, i knew this was inevitable... but i thought it was just me and, loving her unconditionally, i didn't mind... But i just struggle, because I see some thigns I've done right, but a lot of thigns i've done wrong since the breakup. help!
flash582 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Burn, You have to quit torturing yourself. It's over .... that's what it all means. She's "trying not to hurt your feelings", and the like, but she's somewhere else now. Any contact she'll have with you will only feed her ego, and will NOT bring you back to where you wanted to be. You can heal from this but there is only ONE way to do it, and that is to go No Contact and stay that way. I'm sorry ... but have confidence in one thing ... a LOT of us on here have been exactly where you are right now. You are not the first, you won't be the last. You WILL recover. Meanwhile ... vent here if you need to, that's what we are here for, those of us that have been there. We're with you in spirit.
Author burnwithme Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 Thanks. I just... I'm just clinging to the hope that becuase of the long distance thing, it CAN be fixed when i move back there... Unfortunately, thats such a long time away, it feels like eternity.. Even when I'll be out there in less than two weeks, each day goes by like a hellish time waste. I don't have anything to do. ever. it sucks SO bad. I just want to drop it all.. go out there.. right now
Author burnwithme Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Alright.. well, my buddy works with her and this is what he saw today... She came in, seemingly ok... about half hour later, she got really pissed off at this kid and left. They were talking about her, and I guess she's really lonely and not in a good mood... What does all this mean? she hasn't been jumping to get back with me or anything, but I dont think starting up a LDR again would be beneficial to her anyway... Maybe when I get back out there?
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