Light_Roast Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 I'm 21 years old and got into my first real long term relationship about 5 months ago. The girl I'm dating is also 21 and this is her first relationship too. It's going great, we get along perfectly and do everything together, but there is one problem. I don't feel entirely physically attracted to her. She's overweight, 5'6" and 180 pounds, and her skin isn't clear. I care for her a lot and we're really good companions for each other but a level of passion is missing that i feel could be gained if i could look at her body and feel, well, attracted! I don't want to break up because she really good for me and i enjoy being with her, but i wish my physical attraction for her could match my emotional attraction. what can i do? i don't want to directly say anything because i don't want to hurt her and look like a complete *******, but it really is a problem that needs to be solved if i am to be completely happy in this relationship. I tried asking her to go to the gym with me, so we could help each other look better, but i go much more than she does. she doesn't seem serious about the gym. should i just let her go at her own pace and hope she goes more often? or should i push her harder to live a more healthy lifestyle? advice is much appreciated, she such a cool girl and i feel awful that the one thing holding me back from being perfectly happy with her is so shallow, but it's how i feel and i don't want to feel it anymore! i want to look at her and think "wow, what a beautiful girl" instead of "eww, stretch marks and cottage cheese"
BobSacamento Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 I would never date someone I wasn't attracted too. This is just a FWB if anything it seems. Also let me just take a giant guess and say - maybe you got into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship? Flame away.
somedude81 Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 5'6, 180 lbs?! That's a big woman. I'm 5'6 and I weigh 144. The heaviest I've ever been is 160. Don't feel bad at all that you are not that attracted to her. As men we are very visually stimulated. Even though women may call us pigs, a woman's looks are important to us. I was actually in the same situation as you. The first girl I ever dated was also a big girl. While I was happy to finally get a girl, I was 23 at the time, she just didn't physically appeal to me. I had one opportunity to have sex with her, both of us were wearing nothing but boxers, but I didn't go through with it because the thought of having sex with her kind of grossed me out. She also had small tits and ugly nipples. So here's my advice to you. Try to get as much enjoyment and self-confidence you can out of this girl, and keep your eyes open for other girls that are more attractive to you. When you find a "better" girl, gently let go of your big girl.
amymarieca Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Many guys your age place a great deal of importance on looks. That will pass somewhat as you get older. Of course you have to be physically attracted to someone, but when you are more mature, you will realize that attraction is on many different levels. I am heavier, but I have dated several guys that most women consider to be very attractive. I don't have a problem attracting men because I have confidence. That is what most people consider sexy.
Katherineos123 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 So here's my advice to you. Try to get as much enjoyment and self-confidence you can out of this girl, and keep your eyes open for other girls that are more attractive to you. When you find a "better" girl, gently let go of your big girl. Ew. ANNNNNYway... if you're not attracted to her, than you're not attracted to her. This is a vital aspect of a relationship, otherwise, you're just really good friends... It seems as though you really do love this girl, but you're not in love with her. I mean, lets face it. Sex and sexual attraction is really the only thing that differentiates friends from lovers. So why dont you just call it what it is.... If I were you. I would break this off before either of you got any more attached, and try and salvage a friendship...
EmperorR Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 So if she lost weight you would be attracted to her?. So when you get married and your wife balloons after marriage your going to lose attraction and leave? You care for her, but your not attracted to her, so break up with her then. She deserves someone who will like/love her for what she is. Why did you start dating her in the first place if she was overweight? I don't mean to be mean but you knew what you were getting into.
samspade Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Date someone you're attracted to. It's pretty simple. If you are feigning attraction, you are actually insulting that person and lying to yourself.
collegekid491 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 So if she lost weight you would be attracted to her?. So when you get married and your wife balloons after marriage your going to lose attraction and leave? I hate when people make this comparison. Your emotional connection you should have before you get married should over ride appearance, but when your dating you don't have those other connections formed yet, so attraction is a big deal in giving you motivation to hang around and build the relationship. They don't have to be gorgeous, but attractive to you. You gotta make a choice. You state its a problem, if it is in fact a problem, you know the answer, she's not the one. If its something that really isn't a big deal and you are happy in the relationship... why look for a girl with all that minus a few pounds? Your call, if you aren't because you think its a jerk move... grow a pair, cause staying in a relationship to be nice is a time bomb. BELIEVE me, almost everyone, including myself, have been down that road
loveslife Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 You're not doing her any favors staying in this relationship. Every time you look at her and are disgusted you're betraying her trust in you and your relationship. You can't help who you're attracted to, but I certainly hope someday you learn what really matters in a relationship. Then you'll fall for a girl's kindness, intelligence and spunk. Maybe once you've had your heart stomped on a few times. Maybe not.
Author Light_Roast Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 Thanks for the replies everyone, here are my replies to yours: Bob, no need to flame you make valid points. I feel like we are walking the line between FWB and a relationship. We sorta did get into a relationship for the sake of it and we sorta didn't. We were both tired of being rejected and finding nothing but incompatible people, this may be our first relationship but it certainly isn't our first experiences with love and sex. We are very compatible and offer each other a lot in our relationship, but we have yet to use the "L" word. somedude81, i'm not the type to keep my eyes out for other girls while im in a relationship. i'm not going to fake a relationship with her because i want steady sex until i find a hotter girl. katherineos123, "Sex and sexual attraction is really the only thing that differentiates friends from lovers." not true. there is also emotional intimacy, the ability to share things that you cannot share with just friends. we have achieved a level of emotional intimacy that would be difficult for "just friends" to achieve loveslife, i'm not disgusted by her. she's not ugly, she's a sweet, smart, fun girl, but she's a heavy girl. just because one part of her is unattractive doesn't mean she's unattractive entirely. we have way too good of a thing going on to end it, but i feel like it would be even better if that one unattractive part of her wasn't there. and i have had my heart stomped on plenty of times, as i said this isn't my first experience with love and sex but it's the best one i've had.
Author Light_Roast Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 Katherineos123, you're right, i love her but i wish i could be in love with her. and i think her weight is a factor preventing me from feeling the passion and level of attraction needed to fall in love.
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