I have noticed a pattern

[Biggie25x]

I am semi-new to this forum and seem to notice a pattern here and elswhere as I talk to people I know about my divorce. It seems lately that most divorces are started by the wife. It seems to be that they get to a point where they just don't want to work on the marriage anymore and just stop. They also seem to think about it for many months and when they tell their husband it's already too late to "fix" anything. It seems to me that rather than telling other people all the problems in she has with the marriage she should try to comminicate that to the husband not to someone else.

 

I don't want to offend anyone with this post, nor do I want to make light of the wives that have been left by their husbands (it seems that both do it a similar way). It just seems to me that the majority of marriages end because it gets tough, they loose that fuzzy feeling inside or just plain get tired of working on it so the wife just divorces. It makes me questin the whole "for better or worse clause." It seems like they don't realize what it takes to make a marriage work for 10, 20, 30 years and that it might not be good all the time.

 

I don't know what do you think?

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, of course you're right! I left my ex-H for no good reason beyond a little infidelity!

[LakesideDream]

Yes, of course you're right! I left my ex-H for no good reason beyond a little infidelity!

 

 

Agreed! And it's only a matter of degrees. My now ex wife me left because of a lot of infidelity ! Hers, and she wanted her "space" to have more !

[Biggie25x]

I am not trying to cause an argument and I didn't want to offend anyone. It was an honest question without any malice in it form my end. I was not meaning in cases of cheating, but more like this:

 

It gets bad, or problems arise

resentment build becasue no resolution to problem (bad communication)

wife (or husband) stops working on it that is trying to make it work

They find someone else that's on "outlet" (physical or mental, same or opposite sex. One way or another they stop depending on each other for emotional support and depend on someone else)

They want out and want a divorce

 

Again, I don't want to offend just want to see if anyone else has noticed this pattern. It just seems to me the majority of divorces are filed by the wife.

[Consquential_Angel]

Its an interesting theory Biggie25x.

 

I was the one to leave my partner and father of our 2 children after 14 years, although the major problem for us was his alcoholism. I tried for what now seems like way too long to help someone who couldnt or didnt want to be helped. Once I knew that I was beating a dead horse and had tried EVERYTHING I could, I left. I needed to know I had tried all avenues before I 'gave up'. Even though we never married, my vows had been 'spoken' when we had children together. It was, I thought, for life.

 

Almost everyone I spoke to around the time of things going bad, all said one thing,

 

'Life is too short''. Its true.

 

Many people nowadays (both male and female) walk away from marriages and long term relationships with apparent ease. Long gone are the days where people 'stay together for the children' or stick things out like people did years ago.

 

I dont believe in staying in a relationship if its not making you happy, but what I DO believe in is giving it a chance and trying everything in your power to make things work. If all your options have failed then walk away knowing you have tried your best.

 

I realise I havent contributed much or even answered your question but just wanted to give my two cents to the thread!

[Nikki Sahagin]

Some people you just can't communicate with. I genuinely believe that's the biggest problem. How can you talk with someone who just won't listen or care or make any difference? I've known people say what they have to say over and over, it always falls on deaf ears. In the end, you give up saying, you give up asking, you give up trying. Truth is, everyone knows their partner and what makes them happy. If you are too lazy/busy to notice when you stop those things, your partner shouldn't have to remind you...at least not 10 times plus.

[skinman]

I totally agree with you Biggie25x,

In my situation things were great for the first 8 or 9 years.. then my wife decided she wanted a career change selling tupperware... well that meant evenings away after a few years with my support and picking up the slack with my girls she became very successful at her job and had parties 5 or 6 nights a week.. gone most of the day on saturday so eventually we drifted apart i took the scraps of time and affection that we could squeeze in every now and then.... But in the end she said she fell out of love with me and wanted someone esle whom she had more in common with... She blamed me for not being there for her or listening to her...

 

Well see what all my sacrifices got me... it got me the f-ing door.... I did everything I could for her except be there for her emotionaly but in my case it was hard.. she was home all day while i was at work.. when she got home from work i was usually in bed........I thought things were good.. weren't great but good enough that we were happy.. it wasnt until she told me she didnt love me and to get out that i knew different...

 

I will know better if there is a next time.....

[n9688m]

Some people you just can't communicate with. I genuinely believe that's the biggest problem. How can you talk with someone who just won't listen or care or make any difference? I've known people say what they have to say over and over, it always falls on deaf ears. In the end, you give up saying, you give up asking, you give up trying. Truth is, everyone knows their partner and what makes them happy. If you are too lazy/busy to notice when you stop those things, your partner shouldn't have to remind you...at least not 10 times plus.

 

That sounds like a copout to me - an excuse to have an affair.

 

Lots of times communication just isn't good and counseling can be helpful - f done BEFORE the affair. After the affair it's too late - and the rest is just revisionist history to justify the affair.

[skywriter]

I know what you mean Biggie. I said the same thing to my husband about people just giving up on marriage without even trying. We'd been together for 17 yrs, when he gave me the ole,"I'm just not in love with you anymore", line.

 

I was scared to death, but I used the energy from all that fear of failure not to fail.

 

I learned after exhausting myself with questions that I felt if I had answers to, that it would make moving on easier, nah, it didn't. Time, has been my best healer. I've made some real dumba** mistakes too.

[Gunny376]

I know what you mean Biggie. I said the same thing to my husband about people just giving up on marriage without even trying. We'd been together for 17 yrs, when he gave me the ole,"I'm just not in love with you anymore", line.

 

I was scared to death, but I used the energy from all that fear of failure not to fail.

 

I learned after exhausting myself with questions that I felt if I had answers to, that it would make moving on easier, nah, it didn't. Time, has been my best healer. I've made some real dumb** mistakes too.

 

That's a Woman!

 

Got to admire those 'Alamo' type women with true grit in their gullet!

[Biggie25x]

That's a Woman!

 

Got to admire those 'Alamo' type women with true grit in their gullet!

 

 

I hear you there. If more people had an attitude like that, there would be a whole lot less divorces. People would learn to work together because that was the commitment they made to each other.

 

One thing I have noticed in this post is that women are not the only ones walking away from their marriages.

 

My bad.

[BCCA]

Well, marrige today doesnt mean what it used to. Some one told me that something like 60% of marriges end in divorce now a days, more than half. I cant imagine it was much more than 10% from 1900 to 1950. We live in a time of instant gratification, and people not HAVING to stick it out and make it work. Divorce is far from frowned upon, in fact, its almost the norm.

 

There was also a time when women needed men a lot more than they do now. Today, women can litterally do anything men can career/school/relationship wise. They dont need to just find a guy, and stick with him through thick and thin. They can find someone they find more worthwhile, or just be alone. Having children isnt really the 'must do' thing anymore, either. Many couples never have kids.

 

I think a lot of these situations are also a result of the way men/women communicate. Men are very direct, women are not. We guys cant read body language to save our lives, while women can almost have an entire conversation without saying a word. So, we assume things are fine until we HEAR differently, but generally speaking, by the time youre talking about it - its too late.

[imagine]

Pay attention to BCCA. Many of the things he says is true.

 

A woman complains then stops. Hubby thinks things are okay. Sadly, he has never listened and wonders why his wife is gone.

 

Men pay attention. Commit to the relationship in attentiveness... be there.

[imagine]

Pay attention to BCCA. Many of the things he says is true.

 

A woman complains then stops. Hubby thinks things are okay. Sadly, he has never listened and wonders why his wife is gone.

 

Men pay attention. Commit to the relationship in attentiveness... be there.

[BCCA]

Men pay attention. Commit to the relationship in attentiveness... be there.

 

Well, its a two way street. Women, its been proven throughout the history of time that men arent going to just 'get it' unless you tell them what the problem is. Men cannot read hints, body language, vague statements, and random comments as well as you would like. We dont operate like that, you have to speak your mind.

 

Its funny, I have a friend who complains about the guys shes dating and its always 'doesnt he get it' and my response is always 'has he ever just gotten it before?'

[imagine]

I know quite a few women that don't express it properly. Many times the husband is around to provide a sounding board.

 

The beauty of this is that the guy does not need to offer more than a careful glance and a hmm at the right time.

 

Addressing problems in oneself can be tricky. This has been obscure in my own marriage. Beware of things that have nothing to do with a situation. Sometimes telepathy is required. I bring it up if my telepathy aerial is down.

 

Hope this helps someone!

[Trialbyfire]

Out of curiosity for people who feel their spouses walked away without communicating issues:

• Why did you choose a non-communicator? They must have displayed these tendencies during the dating phase, in some way. A symptom of such, is a man or woman who has no opinion or refuses to state their true feelings. Passive-aggressiveness can be their choice of artillery, when arguments break out.
  
• Can you state with 100% certainty that your spouses never, ever said a word to you about their issues?
  

[BCCA]

Out of curiosity for people who feel their spouses walked away without communicating issues:

• Why did you choose a non-communicator? They must have displayed these tendencies during the dating phase, in some way. A symptom of such, is a man or woman who has no opinion or refuses to state their true feelings. Passive-aggressiveness can be their choice of artillery, when arguments break out.
  
• Can you state with 100% certainty that your spouses never, ever said a word to you about their issues?
  

 

1. Well, thats like saying why did you choose a cheater. Simple : you didnt know until it was too late. Most people arent like this the whole time. Sure, you can see that they avoid confrontation, but no offense - a lot of women do. So, when someone says they dont know, after 'knowing' for several years, you kind of wonder if they really dont know or not. And when they just wont give you anything, you dont know what to do. Are they depressed, are there family/work/school problems you dont know about, did an ex send them a nasty letter, are they cheating? You just dont know where you stand, and I certainly didnt want to just leave and find out she was seriously depressed and killed herself. In hindsight, sure, I wouldnt stand for it again, but this was my first run-in with a 'non-communicator', so I didnt know how to handle it.

 

2. My ex told me everything was fine, borrowed my car, and when she was done text-dumped me at work. She refused to see me or talk about anything. It was over, thats all there was to it - she just wasnt happy. What she wasnt happy about or where I fit into it, I'll never know. Im very open and receptive and would gladly hear her out, but she never gave me that courtesy.

[Trialbyfire]

1. Well, thats like saying why did you choose a cheater. Simple : you didnt know until it was too late. Most people arent like this the whole time. Sure, you can see that they avoid confrontation, but no offense - a lot of women do. So, when someone says they dont know, after 'knowing' for several years, you kind of wonder if they really dont know or not. And when they just wont give you anything, you dont know what to do. Are they depressed, are there family/work/school problems you dont know about, did an ex send them a nasty letter, are they cheating? You just dont know where you stand, and I certainly didnt want to just leave and find out she was seriously depressed and killed herself. In hindsight, sure, I wouldnt stand for it again, but this was my first run-in with a 'non-communicator', so I didnt know how to handle it.

I'm more than willing to take responsibility for my choice of cheater. A piss poor choice that won't be repeated and if it's repeated, I will survive.

 

As for a lot of women being conflict avoidant, be realistic BCCA. More men are conflict avoidant. This is for certain.

 

Overall, is it realistic to paint a gender with walk-away traits and take no personal responsibility for your own choice of mate?

 

2. My ex told me everything was fine, borrowed my car, and when she was done text-dumped me at work. She refused to see me or talk about anything. It was over, thats all there was to it - she just wasnt happy. What she wasnt happy about or where I fit into it, I'll never know. Im very open and receptive and would gladly hear her out, but she never gave me that courtesy.

So...not once did she ever mention that she was unhappy in some way?

[sumdude]

Out of curiosity for people who feel their spouses walked away without communicating issues:

• Why did you choose a non-communicator? They must have displayed these tendencies during the dating phase, in some way. A symptom of such, is a man or woman who has no opinion or refuses to state their true feelings. Passive-aggressiveness can be their choice of artillery, when arguments break out.

 
 
Because love is often blind... and I'll admit I resemble that last remark a tiny bit. Live and learn the hard way.
 

Can you state with 100% certainty that your spouses never, ever said a word to you about their issues?

 

Nope and hindsight is 20/20. The thing is that the communication was sporadic and indirect. Hints, odd phrases, requests that I do something so it's all on me. Like sending smoke signals to a blind man expecting him to understand. If I had heard once "i gonna leave soon if things don't change" it would have made things a lot better. But in reality I don't think she really wanted it to be fixed and had her own agenda. If she did she would I imagine she would have been a lot more pro active. But I'm sure in her mind she was.

[Trialbyfire]

Because love is often blind... and I'll admit I resemble that last remark a tiny bit. Live and learn the hard way.

As each of us should live and continue learning.

Nope and hindsight is 20/20. The thing is that the communication was sporadic and indirect. Hints, odd phrases, requests that I do something so it's all on me. Like sending smoke signals to a blind man expecting him to understand. If I had heard once "i gonna leave soon if things don't change" it would have made things a lot better. But in reality I don't think she really wanted it to be fixed and had her own agenda. If she did she would I imagine she would have been a lot more pro active. But I'm sure in her mind she was.

I'm taking the bad guy role of walk away wife (not a cheating one because that will NEVER be me, regardless of what people who have cheated, NEED to believe of themselves). As a walk-away wife, I'm going to argue that side of things, while stating what I normally do within a relationship. I refuse to nag. I state, once, twice and if he's lucky, three times, in a VERY direct fashion of what I want/need. This doesn't include a threat of leaving because that's just putting out a useless ultimatum. If he doesn't listen, I drop the hammer. No ifs, ands or buts.

 

Whether your ex-wife is the same way, I don't know.

[n9688m]

But in reality I don't think she really wanted it to be fixed and had her own agenda.

 

Precisely.

 

I suspect in my case and numerous walkaway wife situations I have read about here, the reason there was not much warning or effort to fix things is because she decided that she instrinsically married the wrong person. For example, my STBXW met me coming out of a very volatile prior relationship. What appeared to be "stable" and "responsible" 15+ years ago seems "boring" now. Others have suggested their wives never were really attracted to them but married for other reasons. These are intrinsically unfixable issues so there is no point to discussing things or going to counseling. Counseling before the breakup would make things worse - because maybe we would in fact "fix" the false problems and thus perpetuate the false marriage. It is much easier to just end the relationship and then use revisionist history to justify the breakup.

[Biggie25x]

This is exactly the open and honest discussion I wanted. Thank you every one for these posts and keep posting.

[sumdude]

As each of us should live and continue learning.

 

I'm taking the bad guy role of walk away wife (not a cheating one because that will NEVER be me, regardless of what people who have cheated, NEED to believe of themselves). As a walk-away wife, I'm going to argue that side of things, while stating what I normally do within a relationship. I refuse to nag. I state, once, twice and if he's lucky, three times, in a VERY direct fashion of what I want/need. This doesn't include a threat of leaving because that's just putting out a useless ultimatum. If he doesn't listen, I drop the hammer. No ifs, ands or buts.

 

Whether your ex-wife is the same way, I don't know.

 

All I know is that at some point before she left me.. could have been weeks, months I have no idea, she found someone for at least emotional support and possibly a physical relationship. During some time she played like she was still my wife, made some token gestures that appeared to be for the betterment of the marriage. In the background she was laying the groundwork for her 'escape'. I means she was moved out in a couple hours and had been planning it for weeks at least while I was in the dark.

 

FWIW she's apparently now married to her 'friend' who provided emotional support...and still lied to me about it.

 

Now two years later I see where I could have done much more but I was also dealing with someone who found it easier to jump ship than keep bailing water.

[iptwife]

Out of curiosity for people who feel their spouses walked away without communicating issues:

• Why did you choose a non-communicator? They must have displayed these tendencies during the dating phase, in some way. A symptom of such, is a man or woman who has no opinion or refuses to state their true feelings. Passive-aggressiveness can be their choice of artillery, when arguments break out.
  
• Can you state with 100% certainty that your spouses never, ever said a word to you about their issues?
  

1. My husband was extremely vocal. He would express feeling to me all the time. We would have really good arguments and set down and work them throuhg them, like in a movie.

2. I honestly did NOT know about his issues. It was like one weekend he and I were out at M&S Grill havig date night, The next weekend he didnt want me anymore. BAM !!