Was I wrong to ask this?

[whichwayisup]

He said no, but that he would occasionally see someone, but he wasn't sleeping with her.

 

He's "omitting" the truth from you ... OFCOURSE he's sleeping with her, but he isn't going to you that as it will ruin ANY chances of him getting into your pants. Sorry to be blunt but this guy is playing you.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT have sex with him! You barely know him!!

 

Please, wait for a guy who is going to be there the next day for you...A guy who is going to cuddle up in bed with you, bring you coffee and make you feel special. A guy who is younger and isn't already involved with someone else.

 

You only have "his" word that he isn't married...What if that "someone" on occasion IS his wife? Or his long time girlfriend...Maybe he DOES have kids, but just hasn't told you the truth.

[D-Lish]

Goodness guys, don't be so harsh.

 

Goldencloud, I think you're just scared he's only in it for the booty and maybe deep down you don't feel like you know him enough. Which is completely fine! Nothing immature about waiting. If he can't be patient then let him be a douche and go for someone easier. If I were you I'd get to know him better and talk more about the situation with him before making any drastic moves.

 

Honestly- if he was only in it for the booty- he wouldn't wait around for 6 weeks! That's a long time to be patient just to get a piece. He does like you, or he wouldn't stick around.

 

I am the same age as him- and I know from guys my own age... they won't put up with someone trying to put a leash on them in any way, shape or form. Percieved or real.

 

If he meets up with an old friend every once and a while for dinner and they aren't being physical- he's not going to like being told he can't. The LAST thing you want to do is give him any sort of impression that you are (or potentially could) put restrictions on him.

 

Why do you think he's 38 and single/never been married, no kids?

Probably because he doesn't like restrictions....right?

 

What you might see as a realistic request- might drive him off. It's only been 6 weeks and you haven't slept together yet... he's probably thinking this as well ("geez, she's going to start telling me who I can and can't see when we aren't even sleeping together and I've only seen her 7 times??")

 

Being a bit older- I also don't bring up the issue of exclusivity- ever. I let the guy do it, or let things fall into place naturally.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, only honest with regard to my experiences and what I've discussed many times with my male friends that are the same age as this guy.

 

Honestly, after 7 dates, and the fact that he is being very attentive by calling 2x a day is a pretty good start. I really wouldn't advise injecting any percieved restrictions on him into the mix.

 

If he's having dinner with a female friend when he travels- and they have a history of friendship (which according to him is all it is).... then you don't want to look jealous this early on. He could very well see it as dramatic and juvenille. The turning away of your cheek when he went in for the kiss for instance... Joking or not, it's still a perception he now has.

 

If you truly do like him, the best advice is to play it cool.

Be carefree and have fun when you're together. It's too early to be thinking about exclusivity, let alone talking about it.

 

Just have fun. He'll appreciate that, he'll like that, he'll want to be around you more because of that...

[BobSacamento]

If this guy picked up a 24 yo getting a cab I don't see him having trouble picking up women. I'd highly doubt there's a chance at exclusivity.

[Cherished]

I'm with whichwayisup on this one, with the exception that I know a woman who was 28 and married a 45 year old a year ago and they are very happy and she is expecting. They were together in a solid, committed relationship for 3 years prior, however.

So to me the age isn't the issue.

The issue is, like whichway is up suggested, is that he isn't emotionally investing and your gut is picking up on that. Like she said, you know if a guy is absolutely crazy for you and is "in." This guy doesn't seem to be "in." And I have been in a relationship with a 40 year old man and it is not true they won't invest and show you they are crazy about you and emotionally bond until they have sex. If a man truly cares and is "in" with you, you know it, you don't have to sleep with them to prove it.

I don't think you're playing games at all and I do believe that he is sleeping with this other woman while on the trips, either that, or she is not into him and he is in love with her and is pursuing her. If it was nothing, then he wouldn't have mentioned it at all.

I say wait until you feel it is right and he is showing you he is "in" (meaning in for a relationship with you and is absolutely crazy about you and wants to see ONLY you, and cherish you and adore you.)

[norajane]

Hi

 

Thanks so much for your response. He makes me feel really good to be honest. He's been really considerate of me, and I have yet to encounter a situation in which I feel uncomfortable/dispensible in ref to what I think/say etc

 

I'm sure he's quite charming and considerate. He's had many years of practice.

 

 

Like I said he is extremely busy, and in the case he cant see me , he calls in advance to apologise and reschedule, but I guess it's getting kind of annoying at this point

This will never change. This is how he lives his life all the time.

but the thing is, because we talk so often, ive gotten really fond of him, really really fond of me, and wihtout sounding ridiculous, i want him exclusively..and i want so badly to sleep with him(whyyyyy) but i JUST CANNOT until i know there are no 'shadows' in background (even tho i dont know the full story quite yet).

Then don't sleep with him. If you're not ready, you're not ready. If you're unclear on his situation, then don't jump in with both feet.

 

Whether he is sleeping with that particular woman or not, you can be sure that he IS having sex with other women he picks up during his travels. But since he doesn't seem them repeatedly, he can be "honest" with you and tell you he's not "seeing" anyone in particular.

 

Enjoy him for what he is, a charming date, but don't expect exclusivity and promises. If he's really single, never married at his age, that's by choice. You're not likely to change him, unless he wants to change. And you have no reason to think he does.

[pollywag]

it's my history of men constantly wanting to sleep with me that makes me fear this 'step' because I feel it might blow in my face.

 

I am little confused as to why you bring that up several times, what exactly do you mean you have a history of men wanting to sleep with you? I think every woman has a history of that!?!? Men want to sleep with women, it's what they do. We find ways to keep them at bay. Not sure why that is a running theme here unless I am not understanding what you mean by that?

 

The guy is older than you and he is used to doing things his way, plus has a demanding job if you are going to date an older guy you can't get needy and ask too many questions or for too much of his time at this point, he will give you his time as it fits into his schedule and especially since you are not even exclusive. Don't sleep with him if you feel you will get too attached but on the same token you can't expect any level of commitment from him in terms of him not dating other women. And it's not because you won't sleep with him, that's irrelevant, it's because you just don't know what he is about or know a lot about him.

[Cherished]

I think she meant that she has a history of dating men who just wanted sex.

[goldencloud]

Hey you guys,

 

Thanks for all the responses. Maybe I'm a fool, but I just really like him.Prior to that evening, I had never made allusions to exclusivity etc, and yes I recognise that maybe 6 weeks in is a bit early...but I guess a mixture of being made redundant, 2 glasses of wine, and general fear of instability in my life made me more maudlin then usual!

Like many have noted, I only have his 'word' for it that he's not involved,but for some reason I actually believe this. However my point really is, I do want to see him again, at the very least to get a proper chance to talk to him...Should I wait for him to call, or should I just casually call him to say hi?

He said he'd be back early next week

[goldencloud]

Hey Polly,

 

Ha! Naturally all women have a history of men wanting to sleep with them, but what I meant to say is I have a history of men dating me JUST to get into my pants.

[AnthonyF]

I think there are too many people jumping to conclusions. I admit I have a bias against big age gaps. Closest I know is a friend who's divorcing and seeing someone 14 years younger (46/32), which passes the 46/2 + 7 rule, and okay because she is also in a professional field. We've never met her and there is a reason.

 

Goldencloud, if you are going to start a relationship with a 38 yo, know that there is a huge gap, probably won't work in the long run. Not saying it won't, but how many relationships do work, end in marriage.... Remember too I imagine his friends are 38 and yours are 24, so that also creates issues.

 

The fact he travels for work will also always put you on edge.

 

Enjoy time together and see where it leads. Don't get all caught up in this stuff as it will drive everyone crazy.

[Cherished]

Another poster stated that if you have been seeing him for 6 weeks and he hasn't made you feel like you are the only one he wants and the only one he is seeing, then he DOES just want you for something casual. You would KNOW if he was crazy about you and wanted to be in a relationship with you. Since it has been this many weeks and the relationship hasn't progressed, and you still believe he is out and about with other women here and there, then he isn't that into you and doesn't want a real relationship with you.

Men go for what they want. If he wanted you for a serious relationship, then he would have gone for it by now, no "work trip" excuses, etc. You can still be a busy person with a busy career and be in love in a serious relationship with someone.

[goldencloud]

Cherished,

 

I do think you are right.

I called him yesterday on a whim, he picked up, sounded really frazzled(a lot of noise in background as well), and said 'darling,terrible time, I'll call you later'

??

You guys, thanks for all your input. It's nice to know that I can come here for incredibly advice(and diverse too in its nature!).

Either he's just not that into me(or is but I'm a 'mistress' in hiding), or he's just beyond humanly busy with his work...which I guess is also incredibly annoying. He has told me that this is the busiest he's ever been and apologised in advance for it, but it still is really annoying.

How do I get past this?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I called him yesterday on a whim, he picked up, sounded really frazzled(a lot of noise in background as well), and said 'darling,terrible time, I'll call you later'

 

 

 

 

How do I get past this?

 

 

End it, immediately, without looking back !

[goldencloud]

You guys,

 

I would like to sincerely thank each and everyone of you for your input. It really has been invaluable. I have since cut of the 38 year old. I have decided it is against my best interest to be with someone that offers me crumbs disguised as luscious slices of chocolate cake.

This whole affair has been between me and my imagination. He has offered me nothing concrete, but rather has thrown me slivers of 'reassurance' to keep me uselessly dangling like a shirt hanging off a clotheswire in a windy day.

Yes he may not be 'dating' someone else, but he's still not with in the way I want.

Once again, THANK YOU THANK YOU for showing me I'm worth more then a few strategically placed sentences to make me stay with someone who could never and will never give me what I want.

xx

[norajane]

I'm worth more then a few strategically placed sentences

 

Very well said.

 

[2sure]

It sounds like you are on the right track.

 

You have said that you have a history of dating men that only want to get in your pants...and when they can/cannot (?) they disappear...

 

You have also said that you consistently attract only men who are successful. And then the above happens.

 

Certainly something has to change. When we keep doing the same thing, we get the same results.

 

Putting the new guy aside for the moment...

 

Have you thought of anything you might change in yourself or your dating habits so that you get results your happy with?

[goldencloud]

Hey 2sure,

I've been single for the past 1 yr and half and aside from a little 'incident' with my male best friend, I have neither slept nor gone excessively far with any of the men I've dated.

This is predominatly due to the fact that I think its important to get to know a person before you start zipping at the pants...or at least you trust that persons intentions.

I have wrecked my brains trying to understand why I'm consistantly stuck in this trap. Were I the gold digging type, I would surely be in heaven but unfortunately I simply am not, and thus cannot give these men what they want and they simply disappear.

Or maybe the problem is me? No clue.

Personality wise, I come across as very out going, and I'm very easy to get along with and love nothing more then bantering around. I guess I'm also very confident(or at least seem that way) for someone my age(and with my experience) around sucessful (generally older men). I guess I'm also what can be seen as a natural flirt, though it never gets into the sexual side.

I just DON'T know what it is about me. Want to hear something funny...I may have mentioned in my post how I was made redundant..well just today I opened my email(today was my last day), and lo and behold there was an email from one of the managing directors(client company) asking me out for a date

honestly honestly honestly...I dont know WHAT it is, but its not making my life easy cause I seem to get surrounded by men, yes...but as I like to say, it's not getting the man thats hard..its bloody maintaining him:sick:

I often read about people getting overblown with lust on a date, unable to control themselves, sleeping together and relationship starting from there

Am I living in another era?!

[norajane]

honestly honestly honestly...I dont know WHAT it is, but its not making my life easy cause I seem to get surrounded by men, yes...but as I like to say, it's not getting the man thats hard..its bloody maintaining him:sick:

 

Sounds like the only men you're surrounded by are the ones that aren't the kind you want to end up with. If you only meet men through work, or work-related activities, those are the only kind of men who will ask you out.

 

So change where you go, what you do, and who you're with.

 

Do you have hobbies and interests? Running club? Softball? Volunteer work? Do you know your neighbors and go play darts or pool at the local pub, or to their parties, rather than to the flashy clubs where they serve high priced drinks and the pretty people go to find other pretty high fliers?

 

Explore other parts of yourself and you'll meet other people who enjoy those activities, and very likely will meet other types of men.

[Mary3]

Please take no offense to this but if a 38 year old were wanting to be involved with a 24 year old , that 24YO would have to be very mature.

 

I dont think your kissing and dodging actions were mature and much to handle for a 39 YO.

 

I happen to like younger men. But they must be mature. No 13 year old pinball playing mentality would work for me.

 

Is he * sooo busy * when he's messing around in other cities . YES ! I think he gets his sex needs met whether you do or not.

 

Whats he waiting for ? He digs the fact that a 24 year old ( who looks much younger than THAT ~ What 16 ? ),when she wears the outfitting gear he so likes.

 

So he basically likes teens ? He is courting with disaster. He will always like the younger ones. Maybe someday tire of your age .

 

 

Is he married . Yes , likely. Kids , Maybe . Successfully singe and 38 and loving it , Yes.

 

No room in there for restrictions , time tables and young kids.

[2sure]

You sound like you have a lot to offer - which explains the attraction men have to you.

 

You also sound like you are looking for , or at least waiting for...a real relationship.

 

While the guys who are attracted to also seem to have a lot to offer...they arent necessarily looking for a real relationtionship. Real relationship as in long term, or as in putting in the work to establish one.

 

That doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you or with them. You are in the serious relationship mode, and the men you have been dating are not in that made and probably sense that YOU are.

[sunbunny]

Maybe you should try to loose some weight

[goldencloud]

Sunbunny,

I actually chuckled when I read your post:p

I'm curvy, regardless of whether I lose weight or gain it, I'll always be curvy and it's my body type and to be frank I'm happy with how I look.

There was a time I was severely concerned about my body type, and for no good reason...I'm sure many can attest to the fact that it doesn't matter how fat(or skinny) you are...if you're not happy in your own skin, no amount of weight lost(or gained) will make a difference...

I'm curious though, what makes you think me losing weight would make any difference??

And for the rest of you guys, yeah I do think I need to expand my social circles...I've kind of got myself stuck in a rut of sorts it seems

It's just that I've been going through a hard time, maybe not so hard comparably to many...but my entire life I've had a sheltered upbringing, and this is the first time I've struck out on my own, and supported myself...and i JUST GOT MADE REDUNDANT): ):

My parents already thought I was living a life of stark poverty( I've rejected all their offers of financial help WHEN I HAD A JOB) and now I have NO job...oh life!