goldencloud Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Hey you guys, Please help! For the past 6 weeks or so I've been seeing this 38 year old man(I just turned 24). We met quite randomly(as we both waited for taxis one evening) and just started chatting. He's just incredibly intelligent and funny and I really like that. I ended up giving him my number, and since then he calls me on average 1/2 times a day just to check up on me, and see how I'm doing. His job requires him to travel constantly all over the country but regardless he makes an effort to stay in touch. As a result of his travelling(he told me generally he's not this busy but recently his work has been really chaotic and he's been under a lot of stress) I've only seen him like 7 times. One of those times he stayed over, but physically we haven't gone far at all cause I told him I wasn't ready yet, and he was very okay with that. I've gone out with him and his business partner before as well. In any case he had been away in another country for 12 days or so, but like I said he would call me to say hi etc... He came back yesterday morning and came by last night to see me(he had an important meeting early this morning). Initially he was going to stay over, but he said he was exhausted and wanted to see me when he was in a better state. Anyways we ended up talking, or rather him comforting me because I was made redundant from work. We kissed alot and stuff, and I really want things to advance but at same time, if you've read my previous posts, I have an issue wiht men wanting to sleep with me constantly. I don't want to get my hopes up, and thus since he had already asked me previously if I was seeing anyone else, I felt I should ask him. So I asked if he was dating anyone else. He said no, but that he would occasionally see someone, but he wasn't sleeping with her. I said this made no relevance as emotional attachment is just as bad if not worse then physcial. I also stated that I know we only just started dating and who knows where things could lead, but I don' think its fair on any party especially her for him to be 'occasionally' seeing her as this obviously indicates a histroy of sorts. Naturally I didn't say this in an angry way, just matter of fact. He looked at me and said I really am not seeing her all those times I travel. I said it's of no relevance to me how much he travels or what he does when he travels but if it involves seeing someone else 'occasionally' even without physicality, well I'm just not that type of person to engage myself in a messy situation. He said yeah you're a good girl, and he's like okay we'll talk about this tomorrow when we're both not tired(he was jetlagged and I was rather tipsy). he leaned over to kiss me, but i turned away in a jokingish sort of way and he laughed and tried again and I could tell he was bothered by it...but i said haha, no I'm sorry I just can't do that Anyways he walked to the door, but then stopped and looked at me and said it's really not what you think etc, and we will discuss this i just looked nonchalantly at him and said 'i'm sorry but I'mjust not the type and wha would u do if I were seeing someone else 'occasionally' he said but ur not, i said it makes no difference. It's the same thing to me, and I just dont like to involve myself in these situations. Anyways he ended up leaving, and I guess I woke up a bit upset. I don't know what the story is, but I really like him, and we REALLY get on in every way, and he has made no effort to try and sleep with me. Infact he left early last night because he knew if he stayed he would try and he knows I'm not ready. Because he's a really successful man in his field(inspite of financial difficulties i think he's facing now), and much older, I dont want him to think cause of my age, I can't speak for myself and will be in awe of his status. I don't do messy 3 people situations regardless of context, so do you think i was wrong for asking? What do you think he thinks? Please help as I really have strong feelings for him, but don't want to get hurt or hurt another(her)
Author goldencloud Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 H-E-L-P:sick: I can't really discuss this situation with friends!!!
Waitress Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 First, I would really question why a 38-year-old man is seeing a 24-year-old woman. No offense, but I can't imagine what he sees in you other than his lost youth. And I don't mean that you have nothing to offer or in anyway negative. It's just that people are very different at 24 and at 38. The real issues are that you're uncomfortable with him seeing another woman and you don't trust him, you don't believe what he's saying is true. All that matters is how he makes you feel. Okay? What he's thinking, etc. etc. makes no difference. It's how you feel.
Author goldencloud Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 Hi Thanks so much for your response. He makes me feel really good to be honest. He's been really considerate of me, and I have yet to encounter a situation in which I feel uncomfortable/dispensible in ref to what I think/say etc Like I said he is extremely busy, and in the case he cant see me , he calls in advance to apologise and reschedule, but I guess it's getting kind of annoying at this point As for the age thing, I do agree, and i know it was an issue for us both, but especially him cause he couldnt get over how 'young' i looked in day gear as opposed to when we go out in the evening! but the thing is, because we talk so often, ive gotten really fond of him, really really fond of me, and wihtout sounding ridiculous, i want him exclusively..and i want so badly to sleep with him(whyyyyy) but i JUST CANNOT until i know there are no 'shadows' in background (even tho i dont know the full story quite yet). how do i voice this out to him when he calls? without sounding too needy/psychotic as we have only been seeing eachother 6 weeks.
samiam143 Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Ya'll just need to sit down and talk when he isn't so tired and you aren't tipsy. If you aren't seeing someone on the side, occassionally or constantly, then he shouldn't be either.
2sure Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 It seems like a lot to ask to be exclusive before you have established a relationship. If he isnt sleeping with the other woman, and does not have an exlusive relationship with her...then he is just dating. There is nothing wrong with establishing an exclusive relationship prior to having sex , of course! Do you feel you have been dating long enough & seriously enough? Then fine. It might be a lot to ask, and take a lot of trust - to ask a guy pushing 40 to not have sex with anyone ever until you decide to and to believe him. It is right , and possible, and would mostly depend on your level of trust.
prettybaby Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 I personally think you should only discuss exclusivity when you think you're ready to become physical with this man. And I mean, he's 38. Men that age generally don't play that BS of dating one girl for months without knowing if they'll ever get laid ... especially those who have other options available (which is clearly his case). If you're into this guy, I would advise to make up your mind about him within the next couple of weeks. If you date and kiss and basically turn him on for a long time but never go any further because "you don't feel comfortable yet", then you'll end up being seen as a fickle, time wasting headache. Unless of course your reservations about him are based on genuine doubts about his honesty and his intentions. Do you think he's a player?
AnthonyF Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Hey you guys, Please help! For the past 6 weeks or so I've been seeing this 38 year old man(I just turned 24). We met quite randomly(as we both waited for taxis one evening) and just started chatting. He's just incredibly intelligent and funny and I really like that. I ended up giving him my number, and since then he calls me on average 1/2 times a day just to check up on me, and see how I'm doing. His job requires him to travel constantly all over the country but regardless he makes an effort to stay in touch. As a result of his travelling(he told me generally he's not this busy but recently his work has been really chaotic and he's been under a lot of stress) I've only seen him like 7 times. One of those times he stayed over, but physically we haven't gone far at all cause I told him I wasn't ready yet, and he was very okay with that. I've gone out with him and his business partner before as well. In any case he had been away in another country for 12 days or so, but like I said he would call me to say hi etc... He came back yesterday morning and came by last night to see me(he had an important meeting early this morning). Initially he was going to stay over, but he said he was exhausted and wanted to see me when he was in a better state. Anyways we ended up talking, or rather him comforting me because I was made redundant from work. We kissed alot and stuff, and I really want things to advance but at same time, if you've read my previous posts, I have an issue wiht men wanting to sleep with me constantly. I don't want to get my hopes up, and thus since he had already asked me previously if I was seeing anyone else, I felt I should ask him. So I asked if he was dating anyone else. He said no, but that he would occasionally see someone, but he wasn't sleeping with her. I said this made no relevance as emotional attachment is just as bad if not worse then physcial. I also stated that I know we only just started dating and who knows where things could lead, but I don' think its fair on any party especially her for him to be 'occasionally' seeing her as this obviously indicates a histroy of sorts. Naturally I didn't say this in an angry way, just matter of fact. He looked at me and said I really am not seeing her all those times I travel. I said it's of no relevance to me how much he travels or what he does when he travels but if it involves seeing someone else 'occasionally' even without physicality, well I'm just not that type of person to engage myself in a messy situation. He said yeah you're a good girl, and he's like okay we'll talk about this tomorrow when we're both not tired(he was jetlagged and I was rather tipsy). he leaned over to kiss me, but i turned away in a jokingish sort of way and he laughed and tried again and I could tell he was bothered by it...but i said haha, no I'm sorry I just can't do that Anyways he walked to the door, but then stopped and looked at me and said it's really not what you think etc, and we will discuss this i just looked nonchalantly at him and said 'i'm sorry but I'mjust not the type and wha would u do if I were seeing someone else 'occasionally' he said but ur not, i said it makes no difference. It's the same thing to me, and I just dont like to involve myself in these situations. Anyways he ended up leaving, and I guess I woke up a bit upset. I don't know what the story is, but I really like him, and we REALLY get on in every way, and he has made no effort to try and sleep with me. Infact he left early last night because he knew if he stayed he would try and he knows I'm not ready. Because he's a really successful man in his field(inspite of financial difficulties i think he's facing now), and much older, I dont want him to think cause of my age, I can't speak for myself and will be in awe of his status. I don't do messy 3 people situations regardless of context, so do you think i was wrong for asking? What do you think he thinks? Please help as I really have strong feelings for him, but don't want to get hurt or hurt another(her) I'll give you the answer you don't want to hear. You are too immature. He is 38 (no mention of a divorce, separation, kids). A successful 38 yo cavorting with a 24 yo, who makes silly rules is unrealistic. He is traveling and busy. If he is what you say he is, I am sure he doesn't have time for games. I am sure he wants to sleep with you and when it does happen (and another notch on his bedpost) then you will see how true his feelings are for you. You decide whether you want to sleep with him (yes sex is important and he has invested a great deal of time already) and see what this 38 yo reaction is. Could go either way. What I will tell you is he will not put up with childish relationship crap from a 24 yo.
Star Gazer Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Hmm. Have you ever been to his place? Are you sure he isn't married?
redant Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 If you don't want to get hurt, speak clearly with him and tell him you want exclusivity if you sleep with him. Find out if he is also thinking along those lines and just isnt looking to have sex with a young woman!
moman Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 I'll give you the answer you don't want to hear. You are too immature. He is 38 (no mention of a divorce, separation, kids). A successful 38 yo cavorting with a 24 yo, who makes silly rules is unrealistic. He is traveling and busy. If he is what you say he is, I am sure he doesn't have time for games. I am sure he wants to sleep with you and when it does happen (and another notch on his bedpost) then you will see how true his feelings are for you. You decide whether you want to sleep with him (yes sex is important and he has invested a great deal of time already) and see what this 38 yo reaction is. Could go either way. What I will tell you is he will not put up with childish relationship crap from a 24 yo. DING DING DING I'm 30 and travel every week for work and I meet many more hot, single business traveling women I can handle. Why this successful guy would want to play high school games again is beyond me. I would say he's very nice to continue talking to you.
Author goldencloud Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 Hey! Thanks for the input(both the nice and brutal haha). The reason I've not slept with him has nothing to do with me trying to string him along, or be a tease etc...but really everything to do with not fully comprehending the situation. We talk quite often, but he's rather elusive in reference to his whereabouts. I've inquired about his past, and he's never been married and has no kids. I chose to believe him, but in my heart of hearts I do think he's being honest. I don't mind us dating, but I'm not dating anyone else and he knows this because he asked me several times. I really don't think waiting until you have the honest truth infront of you, before you sleep with someone signifies immaturity. I'm well aware age wise there is a large discrepancy, but I forget his age when we're together as we just never run out of things to talk about. I don't know, maybe I'm confused. Maybe there is nothing wrong with sleeping with him, but my fear in life is to sleep with him, and to have him to run to goodness knows where. I just dont want to be someone's 'young thing on the side' if you get what I mean.
samiam143 Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Goodness guys, don't be so harsh. Goldencloud, I think you're just scared he's only in it for the booty and maybe deep down you don't feel like you know him enough. Which is completely fine! Nothing immature about waiting. If he can't be patient then let him be a douche and go for someone easier. If I were you I'd get to know him better and talk more about the situation with him before making any drastic moves.
samiam143 Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 PS guys always have more respect for the girls who are classy and don't put out so quickly. Self respect from yourself means respect from the good guys.
Author goldencloud Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 also one of my concerns was about the other day he 'sees occasionally'. I'm thinking there obviously is some grand history between them but we haven't discussed this yet so won't jump into conclusions. I think you guys are right, it's alright if either party date(i mean it is technically still early on) but i disagree with sex with more then one. Perhaps I should convey this to him in some fashion? you see I guess my paranoia deviates from my history, and that is that I have a knack at attracting really successful men(in all honestly i dont sit there and try and make it happen but it does) and more then likely they end just trying to sleep with me several dates in, and when I say that the timing is off/don't sleep with someone until exclusive...ZIP they are out faster then rats on a ship on fire! He seems very different from the rest, in that he's very reliable, and seems really interested in me as a person. I guess he could have lied and said there was no one but he didn't. I guess I'm just scared based on past experiences
Author goldencloud Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 Samian43, THANK YOU! I was starting to feel rather juvenile to be honest ha! You see, it really has everything to do with me not being comfortable to get that physical with someone when I DONT know what is going on. And truth be told, I dont think he minds too much that I'm not rushing physically because I told him from the gecko that itll take me some time to get comfortable and he said he's very understanding of that. And we still went on to see eachother for 6 weeks or so, but its reached a point where I kind of feel hmmm what IS GOING on? You call me everyday,we see eachother here and there and when we don't , you keep me posted etc...I WANT to take this further, but I don't want to be another scratch on your bedpost How do I convey this?!
samiam143 Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Find out his intentions. Read "Act like a Lady, think like a man" by Steve Harvey. Awesome book with great advice. My bf was very open and upfront with me from the beginning so I wasn't ever really left in the dark. You're guy was too honest from the beginning like mine. It's a bittersweet thing. Your guy wanted to be honest that he sees this woman occasionally but they don't sleep together. My bf told me his marriage ended partly because he cheated. You just basically have to figure out the intentions and decide whether or not you want to trust him. I fully trust my bf. Although every now and then I worry but he stays open about everything. ultimately you just need to sit down and talk with the guy. Don't beat around the bush with your questions either. Ask him what his intentions are etc etc
AnthonyF Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Samian43, THANK YOU! I was starting to feel rather juvenile to be honest ha! You see, it really has everything to do with me not being comfortable to get that physical with someone when I DONT know what is going on. And truth be told, I dont think he minds too much that I'm not rushing physically because I told him from the gecko that itll take me some time to get comfortable and he said he's very understanding of that. And we still went on to see eachother for 6 weeks or so, but its reached a point where I kind of feel hmmm what IS GOING on? You call me everyday,we see eachother here and there and when we don't , you keep me posted etc...I WANT to take this further, but I don't want to be another scratch on your bedpost How do I convey this?! I will say it again.... quit being immature, you are 24, not 19. I as a father would not be happy if my 24 yo was seeing a 38 yo, but that is another story.... Whether a notch or not, this should not be your concern. You decide whether you want to sleep with him or not. To ask these silly questions, make demands, question his other relationships, what he will do after, who he talks to or see's is stoopid. You tell him that you want an exclusive relationship, to which he'll either say yes, lie and say yes or say he's not ready. Again it is your decision. As my spouse says "s*$t or get off the pot".....
kdark Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 It's painfully obvious you don't trust this guy. Whether your history is clouding your judgement, or you just haven't built an emotional attachement, or it's his age, or the other woman he says he's talks to. Lots of possibilities. I can understand you wanting it to be exclusive, but if that hasn't been decided after 6 weeks of going as strong as you twp have been going, something ain't right.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Hmm. Have you ever been to his place? Are you sure he isn't married? Yup, that was my first thought too.
prettybaby Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Samian43, THANK YOU! I was starting to feel rather juvenile to be honest ha! You see, it really has everything to do with me not being comfortable to get that physical with someone when I DONT know what is going on. And truth be told, I dont think he minds too much that I'm not rushing physically because I told him from the gecko that itll take me some time to get comfortable and he said he's very understanding of that. And we still went on to see eachother for 6 weeks or so, but its reached a point where I kind of feel hmmm what IS GOING on? You call me everyday,we see eachother here and there and when we don't , you keep me posted etc...I WANT to take this further, but I don't want to be another scratch on your bedpost How do I convey this?! Ok, you make no sense now. You're telling this guy you're not ready to get physical with him, to which he responds with an understanding "alright, no problem", so he logically keeps seeing you without having sex with you ... as you told him. And now you're wondering what's up, even though everything that's happening is pretty much what you requested yourself. Uhhh ...? And why are you so worried about being "another scratch on his bedpost"? Sorry to sound harsh, but, get real. He's 38, of course you're already pretty far down the list of women he's shagged. I'd like to ask you one question: How well are your financial situation and his financial situation balanced? Have you travelled a lot in your life?
Author goldencloud Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 Hey prettybaby, Well financially we're obviously not on the same ground as he does have some years on me haha! But I do come from an extremely wealthy family, but have consciously made the decision to not take money from them as I want to support myself, so do I look rich, most probably, but am I rich..well no ha! For my age, I am earning a good amount(or rather was until I was made redundant but that's another story)...thus initially why he was kind of shocked that I was 24. As for well travelled, I have travelled more then him. As a result of my dad's job growing up( he is a diplomat) I have lived in 12 countries. But all this aside, as I read the replies I see that perhaps it's my history of men constantly wanting to sleep with me that makes me fear this 'step' because I feel it might blow in my face. I don't put much emphasis on age, but even I will admit 38 does seem old, and I can't imagine my father's face lighting up with joy as I announce the arrival of my (elderly by comparison) boyfriend! In any case, you guys are right in the sense that I can't do one thing, and say another but on a side note I NEVER inquire about where he is, what's he's doing, or who he is doing it with...just felt because things were inevitably moving towards the 'sleeping together' stage I would at the very least ensure that we are on the same page...perhaps I worded it wrongly, or perhaps not, but it truely was a legitimate concern at that point. Up until last night, i NEVER even asked anything whilst he was the one firing the questions about me. I guess I just don't 100 percent trust him, and when he says he's not married etc...I don't have concrete proof( I haven' been to his place yet), but I take him word for it, also have met some of his female friends so unless they are all in the 'conspiracy' to blind me from the obvious I doubt he is, and my gut tells me he's not! I want to be exclusive with him, but I'm just iffy by his elusiveness. How do I voice this without sounding demanding because in no way has he been anything but nice to me THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH! you really have helped so much
Author goldencloud Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 AnthonyF, As 'brutal' as your responses are, thanks:) You do make sense and its always good to get a perspective 'from the other side' as I clearly am not in the 38 year old man frame of mind! From what you guys gather, does it seem to you that he does geniunely care from me? UGH I know I know, it seems such a silly question, but I have really been in rather 'un-ideal' situations with men before..if any of you have read my posts before, it's almost a pattern thus I am rather weary I guess.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Hey! he's rather elusive in reference to his whereabouts. I just dont want to be someone's 'young thing on the side' if you get what I mean. Clearly you are making a foolish choice here, even though you know better. In almost all cases, the young lass has every reason to be flattered and drawn to the attention showered upon her by some old burn-out. However, from that position the young lass simply will not let herself understand what makes old wrecks like this guy seek a 'young thing on the side'. No 38-year-old man you want to be with long-term is making a play for 24-year-old women. So you have two choices: Be his 'young thing on the side' just to have the sexual experiences. or Drop him like a hot rock immediately. (it shouldn't be a difficult choice to make)
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