Nikki Sahagin Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Please, anyone who can bear with me, please do! I know it's the case of the majority who write here, but I am completely devestated and I need someone who can reply and be gentle with me, seeing as I really cannot take anything too harsh at the moment! To recap on my story; me and my boyfriend have been together for two years. We got together when he was in a four month relationship with a friend of mine. At the time I felt we had an amazing connection. We were best friends. He was my first kiss and first sexual partner. I fell completely for him. He left his girlfriend and we began going out. We had our ups and downs but I was completely in love with this person. He was my first love and i'd never felt anything so intense and incredible. He was the only person who'd made me reconsider having children and getting married. I really, really, really, really love this man with my complete and whole heart. I actually know that. I feel I could love him no matter what, be with him no matter what. I really knew in my heart I could be with him forever. That may sound naive or immature but I was so proud to think I had only kissed him, slept with him. I just really, really, really loved him. We broke around the year and a half mark, him with me because he felt I had become too possessive, jealous etc. I went NC. He continuously emailed and text me. We ended up back together after running into each other on a night out. I felt so happy to have another chance. Being without him left me devestated. But things had not felt 'right'. I kept having gut feelings, suspicions, paranoia. A lot of things were different and though there were always excuses, I just knew the problem wasn't me being jealous, or paranoid or insecure. I trust my feelings and I think the fact that they are usually so negative is not a reflection of me but generally a reflection of human nature. Firstly he needed more space which I respected because we had a very claustrophobic relationship. But he needed every friday and saturday. So we would see throughout the week and on sundays. Still I found the need to keep fridays and saturdays always free suspicious but trusted him and allowed him his freedom. Another thing was we used to be on msn together all the time. Since we got back together I said I would like to talk on it more, and he said he just didn't have the time to anymore. Again, I grudgingly accepted this. These are just a few examples. Anyway last night I went to see him and my gut instincts felt really strong. I was cold and distant towards him because I just couldn't bring myself to be close. He was being all lovable and charismatic, but I just felt...somethings not right. For one thing he has always been bad with eye contact...says it makes him uncomfortable. I get that because I used to have big problems with eye contact too...but sometimes it just seems damn shifty to me. I mean we've been together 2 years. And there's nothing like someone avoiding your eyes to make you feel that you don't exist. Anyway.......................this morning when he left, I noticed he left on his computor. I know what peeping and snooping leads to. I know it's not mature, not usually productive and can cause more problems, but I just had to prove this gut instinct right or wrong. I'd asked him, and he'd always promised, sworn etc that nothing was ever happening. Now I know words are words but obviously when you trust someone, you trust their word. So if he said he promised, I believed his promise. Still I had to see. Words weren't enough anymore. The first thing that struck me was that my boyfriend has gone off sex a lot. So I asked him matter of factly if he was watching porn instead. He swore that no, he wasn't. I said oh come on, you must be! He said he just didn't get horny anymore i.e work stress/tiredness which I truly believe and buy. He works a LOT. But as I said, porn is so much easier when you get horny than having sex. So I simply asked, are you watching it? He said no! Swore no! First thing on his recent links? 4 porn sites? I don't mind about porn, but why swear you aren't watching it? This means that yes he DOES get horny and DOES watch the porn, so why lie and say he doesn't get horny? I then checked his facebook messages (it stayed logged in, stroke of luck!). There were only dodgy messages to one girl. This girl is pregnant (no it's not his) so I know they aren't physically cheating, at least sexually cheating. But he was calling this girl things he calls me i.e. princess, angel, baby.....again he swore i'm the only girl he's ever called angel or princess or baby......Also there were messages where he was taking this girl to lunch......but yet with me he never has money or offers to take me. I was devestated. I then checked his msn conversations (supposedly the thing he no longer has time for). 2 girls struck me this time. One a model he was friends with before me. Well he went on holiday one year and she was there. I immediately felt funny about this when he told me. He assured me it was nothing. Well in this conversation he said to her something like "I really wonder what might have happened if we'd seen a few days before". Basically then, he could/might have cheated! Also he swore he wasn't still talking to this girl....but what do I find? Conversations to her? Then again conversations to the pregnant girl........now he says it's disgusting of me to think anything is happening with a girl pregnant with another mans child, but yet in the messages he's saying things like 'your boobs have gotten big'. And that's NOT disgusting I suppose? I burst out crying, turned it off and text him asking him if there's anything he hadn't told me. Immature completely the way the text convo went. He's going to ring me at lunch. I know in my heart that even if he hasn't physically cheated.....this is cheating nonetheless. In other messages I saw he said that he 'wasn't that bothered' that we broke up and that for Valentines 'he wouldn't get me anything or just something small'. All this time he says i'm paranoid or jealous or crazy - AND ALL ALONG THIS IS HOW HE BEHAVES. The pain i'm feeling is unbelievable. Before anything ends I want to speak to him and demand the truth. But i'm terrified. I'm terrified because part of me didn't want to find that. Part of me wanted to live on in ignorance because I love him that much. I really do I just love him so, so much. How can someone that I love so much do this to me? Me? That's 'such a good judge of character' supposedly and so suspicious and so cynical. Me? That's always protected myself from this kind of thing. I just can't stop crying. I feel so beaten down and pathetic. I can't get my head around, can't accept, that someone I would give everything for, have children with, marry, someone special like him that I saved my first kiss and virginity for, could DO this to me. Could look at me and say i'm special and beautiful and that he'd never hurt me and do this Am I that worthless? Am I that meaningless? Am I so unlovable? I would have given him everything. And now I feel that there's a great hole and rip in my heart. I just feel destroyed inside. I feel that I don't even want to fall in love or trust again. How can I? When the person I trusted and loved most in the world, could rip my heart into a million pieces, all the while looking at me and saying how he wants to be with me forever? I don't even know how I will bring myself to trust another person again. When I give my heart, I give it fully. It's in it for the long haul. It seems other people can give half a heart. They can treat your heart like a toy and not care how you cry, how you waste away without eating because you just don't have the appetite. Why do they do this? To the people I love? Please someone, I just need some support whilst I wait for this call. I also didn't say that I snooped. I said I was receiving anonymous texts. I know I should probably admit to what I did, but I know that would just turn on me and i'd never get the answers I need. Only the other night when we were cuddled asleep and I was holding him in my arms did I look at him and think "you're so beautiful, I love you so much....i'll always be here for you". And now the feeling that i've basically been destroyed by him.......what is the point of love?
Kaii Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. Relationships are confusing and seem awfully hard sometimes. I know you probably don't want to hear this right now, but everything in your post just says to me that he is really not as committed to this relationship as you are. And the fact that he requires EVERY Friday and Saturday night for himself? WTF? What is he doing during these 2 days? Also, it seems odd to me that a man would spend so much time chatting and messaging a woman who is pregnant by someone else. Is this woman still in a relationship with the baby's father? Are you sure that she is preggo by someone else and not your bf? And why would he tell you that he has no time to chat on MSN with YOU, his gf, yet seems to have time to chat with other women???? I don't know, sweetie, it sounds fishy to me.
lostsunsets Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 How long were you broken up? Oh, and if I may. You were the other woman with him once. You took him from your girlfriend. So don't get so self righteous because you love him. You knew when you got into it that he doesn't have a problem cheating, or you being the OW for that matter.
Kaii Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 You know he is capable of cheating because he has done it before....with you when he was in a relationship with your friend. What makes you think he is now incapable of doing the very thing to you? Also, you said that you knew he wasn't physically cheating because this other girl is pregnant. But that doesn't mean anything, men cheat with pregnant women too. At least they know they can't get them pregnant, as they already are. Are you sure he isn't the father? It seems awfully forward to me for him to mention to her that her "boobs have gotten bigger". It just doesn't seem like something a platonic guy friend would say. And as for the lack of sex and lying about watching online porn. Men only use porn for one reason, to jerk off to. They do not just LOOK at it and then shut the computer off.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 How long were you broken up? Oh, and if I may. You were the other woman with him once. You took him from your girlfriend. So don't get so self righteous because you love him. You knew when you got into it that he doesn't have a problem cheating, or you being the OW for that matter. I'm not being self-righteous. I kind of see this as getting what I deserve times 3. So in a way i'm more self-pitying than self-righteous. But I did love him. Acted out of stupidity, selfishness....
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 You know he is capable of cheating because he has done it before....with you when he was in a relationship with your friend. What makes you think he is now incapable of doing the very thing to you? Also, you said that you knew he wasn't physically cheating because this other girl is pregnant. But that doesn't mean anything, men cheat with pregnant women too. At least they know they can't get them pregnant, as they already are. Are you sure he isn't the father? It seems awfully forward to me for him to mention to her that her "boobs have gotten bigger". It just doesn't seem like something a platonic guy friend would say. And as for the lack of sex and lying about watching online porn. Men only use porn for one reason, to jerk off to. They do not just LOOK at it and then shut the computer off. I know he is definately not the father. In the messages between them there is no mention of anything like that which I know I would find (the messages date back that far). Also i'm pretty sure the girl would probably have something more hostile to say if he was the father and still with me. Also my boyfriend is mixed-race so when the babies born that would be a hard thing to evade considering her boyfriend was white. Also to other posters we were broken up for about 2 weeks.....not officially back together for about a month in tota I would say?
huck Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 2 things i wanna comment on about your post. He should definetly be spending some of the weekend with you. fair enough hes entitled to spend some time with his mates on the weekend but should also make some time for you on the weekend. The porn.. - dont worry about this. seriously.. if hes looking at stuff on the net hes like 90% of guys. its nothing against you - hes just being a bloke. It might hurt that hes looking at other naked girls but dont take it personally..
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 2 things i wanna comment on about your post. He should definetly be spending some of the weekend with you. fair enough hes entitled to spend some time with his mates on the weekend but should also make some time for you on the weekend. The porn.. - dont worry about this. seriously.. if hes looking at stuff on the net hes like 90% of guys. its nothing against you - hes just being a bloke. It might hurt that hes looking at other naked girls but dont take it personally.. Thanks for the reply. We see every sunday but I still find the fridays and saturdays suspicious, especially in light of this. The porn would not have bothered me except that we are always honest about it. When I asked him he said "no I swear, you know we would talk about this". It's not so much the porn as the taking back of trust over something we normally discuss which I find very, very weird.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 I know you probably don't want to hear this right now, but everything in your post just says to me that he is really not as committed to this relationship as you are. I'd have to agree. And he probably has a sense of how strongly you care for him and simply doesn't know how to wiggle gracefully out of the relationship. But even you have to admit that he's sending you some pretty clear signals - no time together on the weekends, very little sex, contact with other girls, etc. Is this how you want to go on? Mr. Lucky
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 I'd have to agree. And he probably has a sense of how strongly you care for him and simply doesn't know how to wiggle gracefully out of the relationship. But even you have to admit that he's sending you some pretty clear signals - no time together on the weekends, very little sex, contact with other girls, etc. Is this how you want to go on? Mr. Lucky It isn't But like I said I don't feel strong enough to stay or to go. Its just not the 'right time' as I said in my life. I have a lot of stress with exams and assessments, I just don't feel I can take this on top of everything. As well because of the stress with us i'm barely eating and have lost so much weight and my panic attacks have started to come back. I just don't feel I can cope at the moment. I think its 'safer' for me at the minute to stay put until the time is more appropriate and I can afford to break completely to pieces because if I do it now, and my exams suffer, I will have allowed him to have affected something very important. Its today that i'm going to talk to him and I don't even know what to say
Mr. Lucky Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 I think its 'safer' for me at the minute to stay put until the time is more appropriate and I can afford to break completely to pieces because if I do it now, and my exams suffer, I will have allowed him to have affected something very important. Well, an outside observer would think that it's less stressful to be single than having to worry about the ins and outs of an unrewarding relationship. Regardless, good luck with your exams ... Mr. Lucky
hurt4life Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Dear Nikki, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Until someone has been in your situation or one similar, they cannot truly understand the pain you feel. I unfortunately am in a similar situation. It is very hard to understand why things are they way they are. Like you, I asked how could this person do this to me? How could she say she loves me but yet have intimate thoughts with someone else? Has she already gotten physical with this person? I understand your pain, and although I cannot make it go away, I can only say that I understand. I too devoted my love to my GF. I had plans to grow old together, she was the perfect mother for our baby boy, and she was my best friend. I too would do anything for her. I too had so many questions as to why. Yours said you were too possessive and jealous. Mine told me I was too clingy and needy. When I would call her to make sure she was okay, she would tell me I was trying to control her. It is hard to understand how someone can translate your love into something else. I’m slowly learning to let go but it is hard. I’m sure it is hard for you as well. I know the pain and the loneliness of what it’s like to give yourself completely to someone when they cannot do the same in return. People will say to leave such relationships because it is not healthy. I agree, but as you know it’s easier said than done. Like you, the timing may not have been the best for me either. I hope that you will soon find the strength to move forward as I hope someday I will from mine.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 Thankyou so much hurt4life. Life is a weird thing, it doesn't make any sense and doesn't seem to have any rules. I can only think that the suffering that all people go through in 1 way or another, whether its physical or mental or emotional, is just the harsh reality of us developing into stronger and wiser people....or if we cannot do that.....breaking down completely. I wish you all the best. It is nice to know you are not alone & though I wouldn't wish anyone else to feel this, not even my worst enemy, to know someone else feels similarly, is a great comfort, so thankyou for sharing that with me and I hope we can both do our best to get through it
hurt4life Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 .... I just love him so, so much. How can someone that I love so much do this to me? Me? That's 'such a good judge of character' supposedly and so suspicious and so cynical. Me? That's always protected myself from this kind of thing. I just can't stop crying. I feel so beaten down and pathetic. I can't get my head around, can't accept, that someone I would give everything for, have children with, marry, someone special like him that I saved my first kiss and virginity for, could DO this to me. Could look at me and say i'm special and beautiful and that he'd never hurt me and do this Am I that worthless? Am I that meaningless? Am I so unlovable? I would have given him everything. And now I feel that there's a great hole and rip in my heart. I just feel destroyed inside. I feel that I don't even want to fall in love or trust again. How can I? When the person I trusted and loved most in the world, could rip my heart into a million pieces, all the while looking at me and saying how he wants to be with me forever? I don't even know how I will bring myself to trust another person again. When I give my heart, I give it fully. It's in it for the long haul. It seems other people can give half a heart. They can treat your heart like a toy and not care how you cry, how you waste away without eating because you just don't have the appetite. Somehow I was compelled to read your post again, and it is just so ironic that the words and questions you have are almost identical to my very own. Just the roles are reversed. I have not been able to talk to anyone about my situation cuz no one really understands. You on the other hand know the pain I am going through. So how have things been with you and your BF? How have you been able to cope with the whole situation? Maybe you can help me get through my pain. If you don't mind, could you email me. If this is something you can't or prefer not to, I can understand. Thanks.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Somehow I was compelled to read your post again, and it is just so ironic that the words and questions you have are almost identical to my very own. Just the roles are reversed. I have not been able to talk to anyone about my situation cuz no one really understands. You on the other hand know the pain I am going through. So how have things been with you and your BF? How have you been able to cope with the whole situation? Maybe you can help me get through my pain. If you don't mind, could you email me. If this is something you can't or prefer not to, I can understand. Thanks. Thankyou so much for your reply. I don't think I can email you - I think you need to be an established member to send/receive email so I hope you check back here! You should ask one of the moderators if they can set you up email and then we can swap stories
hurt4life Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Well, nevermind then. I don't have the time to go through all that, I have my own email. I wish you the best.
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