thatsjustme Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 I've been married for 8 years and have 2 beautiful kids. My husband has no respect for me. He controls everything about my life. This week I bought a clock and he made me take it back to the store because I am so stupid for choosing something that doesn't match. Everything I do is wrong like that because I am so stupid. He told me to buy a car through my Dad who knows about cars and "get anything" because we needed it right away. It was such a good purchase because the insurance company valued it at $8,000 and we paid $4,000. He tells me that we need to sell it right away because I chose the wrong make/model and will only "let me" buy certain make/models. He constantly puts me down and tells me I'm fat. Last night he told me that his ex-girlfriend was better in bed than I am. For the past 6 years my husband has not given me a birthday present. Last birthday I had 2 friends and my Mum over and he told me in front of them that I am "f*cking useless". I felt so embarrassed.
2sure Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Crap. Look - it doesnt have to be this way. This is not your life. If you were to leave , once you stepped away - you would look back and say - Why on Earth did I stay that long? You CAN do it. The ONLY reason you think you cannot is because he has eroded all sense of confidence & who you are. It comes back fast! There are logistics that can be difficult to deal with regarding divorce. But that is all they are - inconvenient and exhausting. Those things pass and the benefit of making it thru those hard hurdles, is that YOU DID IT. That alone will give you the strength & confidence to do the rest - live YOUR life.
carhill Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 I would implore you to remember, and this is something you'll have to work hard on in the future, that all men are not like your husband. If he's always been like this, it's his personality and it's not going to change, absent serious life-changes (like facing death) and/or therapy. Personally, I'd get some IC and get out. That's toxic.
manugeorge Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Please call 1800-799-SAFE. It's the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Don't worry, you are not going to get your husband into trouble. They have counselors that can provide support in your situation, even if its just to listen and talk. He is emotionally abusing you which is no different than physical abuse. You need qualified resources outside yourself and online message boards that can help you begin to gather strength to deal with your situation. Do it for yourself and your children.
wuggle Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Agree with others, Your husband sounds VERY controlling and this will (and is by the sound of it) totally demoralise you and make you feel worthless. I don't know you but I seriously doubt you are. Ask yourself how you will feel in 20 years if you have stayed with this guy and he is still acting like this, what will be left of you ? If he isn't going to change (and be honest with youself) then for your own sake I think you should leave. take care.
Jacquelyn8 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 The way your husband is treating you is terrible. You have to decide what is best for yourself even though it may be tough. Get your family and close friends to support you. If you decide to leave, start to make plans now on what to do. There are a lot of things to solve, like where you are going to stay, who will take care of the kids, etc. If you decide to stay, you have to confront your husband and try to solve the problems he is having. Why is he acting so mean to you? A marriage means loving and respecting each other. All the best! Amy Jacquelyn http://Tips4Everyone.com
Heroic Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Get out, get a restraining order and buy a Lady Smith Revolver and some good hollow points.
Queen of Hearts Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 You need to get out of that situation for the sake of the kids, as well as yourself. You don't want them to be raised to think that this is how they are to treat people, or allow themselves to be treated. Good luck.
Author thatsjustme Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 Do you all really think its so terrible? Maybe it just sounds worse in writing? He doesn't hit me or anything so I don't really think that its domestic violence. The reason I wrote on this forum is because I am too ashamed to admit to my friends/family that I am miserably married and I wanted some independent advice from people not in the situation. I really wasn't expecting everyone to think this and I am a bit shocked. I am a child of divorced parents and I really don't want to put my children through all the feelings of abandonment that I went through. He is always good to the children.
giotto Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 He doesn't hit me or anything so I don't really think that its domestic violence. Maybe he is not being physically violent towards you, but it's still psychological abuse. Do you think your children won't notice that you are very unhappy? What kind of message are they getting from you? And what kind of image of a marriage are they getting from their parents? They'll grow up thinking that's the norm, and it isn't...
Island Girl Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Do you all really think its so terrible? Maybe it just sounds worse in writing? He doesn't hit me or anything so I don't really think that its domestic violence. It is the truth right? Well then, the truth is horrible and abusive. Mental and emotional abuse carries huge damage. The mental and emotional wounds take a VERY long time to heal and are difficult to fully recover from. The longer you allow this to happen the worse it is. So please - PLEASE - get help now. If you doubt it is abuse call the Hotline as another poster suggested. They can help you. The reason I wrote on this forum is because I am too ashamed to admit to my friends/family that I am miserably married and I wanted some independent advice from people not in the situation. I really wasn't expecting everyone to think this and I am a bit shocked. If there wasn't something horribly wrong with it you wouldn't be ashamed. Your family has witnessed his terrible behavior so I doubt it will come as much of a surprise that you are unhappy. I am just completely shocked THEY haven't already reached out to YOU. I am a child of divorced parents and I really don't want to put my children through all the feelings of abandonment that I went through. He is always good to the children. Studies have been done over and over about this. Staying in an unhappy marriage is far more damaging to the children than leaving. They will mirror what they see in your relationship. They create a relationship just like that in their own lives because it is what they know. THIS HAS BEEN PROVEN. So if you have boys, they will treat their wives like crap. If they are girls they will search out men who will be mentally and emotionally abusive as well.
65tr6 Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Do you all really think its so terrible? . Sounds bad. Have you told your husband all this ? Tell him before you call the hotline.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I am a child of divorced parents and I really don't want to put my children through all the feelings of abandonment that I went through. He is always good to the children. I wonder what you would tell you daughter to do were she in this type of adult relationship with a partner that told her she was "stupid" and "f'ing useless"? What would your advice to her be ??? Mr. Lucky
Author thatsjustme Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 I spoke to him about how it seems that he is always criticizing me and how he blames me for things that go wrong that are beyond my control. He seemed to listen. Now when he criticizes me I point it out that he is doing it and he stops (at least for that instance). I will see how it goes. If he doesn't improve then I will tell him that we need to get marriage counselling and go from there. Also, we went shopping for a floor rug the other day and he didn't like anything I was suggesting so I just said "choose whatever you want then. I'll just get what I want after the divorce". That shocked him! I think he is starting to realise that he can't take me for granted anymore. I have also been playing some "not too subtle" songs like "You don't treat me no good no more - Sonia Dada", "November Rain - Guns n Roses", "nothingman - pearl jam,", etc
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