stillshocked Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Wife moved out just over a month ago. I pursued (mistake) and despite that they appeared to be chance of reconciliation. That blew up (another man) and now I am left to pick up the pieces and start at day 1 again of recovery. I have decided to start No Contact, as a means to help me get on with my life and change the focus of my life from "her" to "me". The only problem is that we have kids. The kids call her every night before bed when at my house, but I don't talk to her. Last night she asked to talk to me and we discussed some things relating to the kids. Then she asked if I was OK and I said yes, and asked if she was OK and she said "I'll get by". At that point I knew I had made a mistake and just said I wasn't comfortable talking about how we were doing. So I am wondering what the right move is now. I don't feel strong enough to talk to her right now and thing things would be easier for me to just ask her to communicate via email instead of over the phone for matters relatingto the kids. Anyone think that is a reasonable request? I don't want to come across as cold, but I think the more 'business like' I can keep things the faster I will heal.
seibert253 Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Communicating is communicating. Though, talking on the phone is more personal. Being the mother of your children, you're going to have to communicate about the children. Keep it to that, nothing else. If she asks you questions about you, or wants to discuss her, just tell her that your sorry, but you do not want to talk about those things. End of story. I know you're emotionally a wreck, but you've got to remain strong for your kids. This also shows her that you're moving on and you're NOT GOING TO ALLOW HER BS TO BREAK YOU!
searcher Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 I'm in a similar situation to you. My husband left two and a half months ago and gave me the hope there could be a posibility of reconciliation in the future. I think I blew my chances by not reacting well to the separation and saying and doing things I regret. We have two children so have to be in contact with each other. My husband would ring to talk to the kids and ask me how I was getting on which would bring up all sorts of feelings I didn't feel like I could cope with. Like you I thought it would be easier to communicate via email. This didn't turn out to be the case. I would read and re read the emails my husband sent me and read all sorts of things into what he was saying. Without tone of voice things written can come across very differently than what they were intended. For me it didn't make it easier to cope and heal. The other thing you have to remember if you start emailing you x is that everything you send to them they can keep and re read. In if you slip up and pour your heart out or say something nasty they can hold onto it to remind themselves of why they left you. At least if you say something you regret in conversation it is more likely to be forgotten more quickly or not seem as significant.
Author stillshocked Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 I'm in a similar situation to you. My husband left two and a half months ago and gave me the hope there could be a posibility of reconciliation in the future. I think I blew my chances by not reacting well to the separation and saying and doing things I regret. We have two children so have to be in contact with each other. My husband would ring to talk to the kids and ask me how I was getting on which would bring up all sorts of feelings I didn't feel like I could cope with. Like you I thought it would be easier to communicate via email. This didn't turn out to be the case. I would read and re read the emails my husband sent me and read all sorts of things into what he was saying. Without tone of voice things written can come across very differently than what they were intended. For me it didn't make it easier to cope and heal. The other thing you have to remember if you start emailing you x is that everything you send to them they can keep and re read. In if you slip up and pour your heart out or say something nasty they can hold onto it to remind themselves of why they left you. At least if you say something you regret in conversation it is more likely to be forgotten more quickly or not seem as significant. It is actaully a bit different for me. My wife seems to hold onto things said in converstion that were not really meant. Or to read into things that were said, or even remember things that weren't said at all! I find with email the truth of what was said is their in black and white. I did email and ask her to limit our interaction to email. I also said almost nothing to her when dropping off the kids tonight. I know it may not be the most mature way to handle things, but the alternative is to react based upon my anger and I want to avoid that at all costs. Regardless, I don't really care how she reacts to things anymore, only how I feel about them. My life is about me and my kids now, not her (at least that is what I am trying to convince myself :-).
D-Lish Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I think you have to do what you have to do to get by right now. e-mail is still communicating. You can arrange things that way. If there is something urgent- then you'll always have the phone as an option. How are the kids doing? Have you and your wife discussed how to help them adjust? That's probably a conversation you should have if you haven't already.... about being consistent and sending the same message from both ends. Other than that, I think you're doing the right thing by limiting the conversations to business only. Geez, I hope she is being careful about letting the kids know she is seeing someone so soon after the break up!
Author stillshocked Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 Yes, we have had discussions about the kids. They seem to be doing OK, but sometimes you don't really know. Sometimes it takes awhile for signs to show. We seem to be on the same page with parenting, etc. The thing with the other guy was a one time thing (as far as I know) so the kids have no idea. It is weighing on my mind a bit that I didn't get a reply to my email. I was ASKING if we could limit our communication to email. I would have thought that would warrant a reply? ...even now I am still expecting things from her (like a response) and I know that I shouldn't be. It is really defeating me.
Author stillshocked Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 So I had to drop some stuff off for the kids at her place tonight. Everytime I see her it puts me back to square 1 again. The hardest part of the whole thing is that she has treated me so badly over the last couple of months, and know seems indifferent to me. I don't know how you go from loving someone to indifference? I want to send her an email asking her this. Otherwise I think I will end up hating her. Good idea or no?
sultry33 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 no.. not a good idea keep to low contact and just about the kids.. in the first months of a break up its natural to have questions etc.. but its not going to help you even if you get the answers.. best to work on yourself.
Author stillshocked Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 Made the mistake of contacting her to tell her that I had these feelings of resentment towards her and that I was hurt that she seemed indifferent towards that. Her response was that she hoped I found it in my heart to not be angry towards her and that she hoped we could be friends. I guess the good thing that came of this setback is I have some increased clarity. I don't want to be her friend. I am not even sure I want her back anymore. If I consider it, it would have to be on some very different terms. One of the points of clarity for me was asking what I would do if we didn't have kids. You know what the answer was? NO CONTACT and move on with my life! It has really been the kids and the need to be in contact with her that I feel has really made things so difficult to let go. I think I have been in denial that it is actaully over for the past two months since the separation. I just need to let things be and move on now. She will always be part of my life as she is 'attached' to my children. I am going to focus on being 'nice' but keeping low contact. Back to day #1. I wish I had the strength for a 'casual' relationship to help me keep my mind of this...
Author stillshocked Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 I have done some good thinking the last couple of days. My ex said she "wanted to be friends". My first thought was, this is great! But when I really examined my reasons for wanting to be "friends", I realize it is just so I can keep her close in hopes of reconciliation. I realize that her desire to be friends is probably either the same, or to ease her guilt and help her move on. I asked myself what I would do if I didn't have kids with her, and the answer was probably never talk to her again! I don't need to have some meaningful relationship with just because we have kids right? I mean be nice and pleasant, etc, but that is it right? I find everday of NC I get stronger and things get clearer for me. The days with contact (which is unavoidable) cause me a minor setback, but each time seems to be getting smaller. I finally feel like I am getting my self-respect back...
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