gormley Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 My wife and I have 2 children (6 & 3) and have been together for 11 years but only married for 16 months. She left 2 weeks ago saying she needed space and that she had been hurt too much to ever get any intimacy back. We had an extremely stressful year that started just after we married - I was involved in two court cases (both with good results) but became very depressed, angry (and suicidal at one point). I realise it must have been really hard for her but I was ill and when I got help everything improved and so did our relationship. Most of the time I'd say I was great with the kids, worked hard, supported her well, was attentive and did a lot of the domestic stuff. She has left a few times before - her parents live nearby and she can just turn with the kids and be looked after with no questions asked. So minor problems have become stand offs and lasted weeks or months. This time is different though - she says NOT because of anger, fear or a reaction. We had been doing well (I thought) but she suddenly became distant and cold and after 2 weeks I asked what was happening. I got a lot of old complaints which I didn't know she was still harbouring but then said she was leaving without giving us a chance to work through any of it. We have agreed on a "contract" to review the situation after 3 months (but she is signing a rent agreement for 6 months) and arranged child care, finances. She has also agrred to some couples work. I'm left shocked and sad. My family has been the most important thing in my life for the last 6 years.
Chessy02 Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Why did she get married 16 months ago if she was still harbouring such sentiments. The moment you put those rings that is when love begins to go down hill. I guess now you would be thinking 'Had I know I won't have married'!
Author gormley Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 Yep......wish I knew before. She's always been quite closed and held grudges. But also things really hit an 11 year low just after marrying - but we came thru. I'm really confused by it all.
Author gormley Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 Anyway of knowing if she's coming back or if I'm just an insurance policy?
LakesideDream Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Anyway of knowing if she's coming back or if I'm just an insurance policy? Most likely, you are an insurance policy, or back up plan. It's very hard to understand how you could be together ten years, have children 6 & 3 years old and not be comitted enough to marry. That seems very strange to this old man. Most believe and I'm one of them that you don't "work on" a relationship by forcing it apart. You haven't given much detail about your situation. It might help. I certainly will help you get more opinions. Welcome to LoveShack, and good luck.
Author gormley Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 Thanks for the welcome. We married 16 months ago. This is what I don't understand. Its as if being married (which she wanted more than me) just killed the romance. she became distant, stopped saying I love you etc. She announced all the problems and then left without a chance to work on them. Very very confused!
seibert253 Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Hate to be the bearer of worse news, but me thinks she's seeing someone else. Classic signs my man. Do some snooping if you haven't already.
SRV Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 "I got a lot of old complaints which I didn't know she was still harbouring but then said she was leaving without giving us a chance to work through any of it." This is a telling statement. She is being defensive in order to justify what is it that she is"doing". She is trying to rationalize it in her mind, that you did x,y,z and thus mitigate the guilt of what she is doing. She is now leaning on someone's shoulder and has got someone else's ear. Her emotional needs are now being met elsewhere, its best you start snooping.
Author gormley Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 I know this can happen and no one suspects it but Ive done the snooping and its just not possible. She always been quite self contained and I think she just doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. I can see that she hasn't had a lot of time with young children for herself and that she may have "lost touch with herself". I just think its possible to do that under the same roof. Any other leads, advice etc
in a daze Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 not being funny as this happens a lot, she might be questioning her sexuality.
Consquential_Angel Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Hi, sorry to hear about your relationship breakdown. I just wanted to say that just because your wife left it doesn't mean she is questioning her sexuality or has been having an affair. Maybe she is just going through a really tough time right now. She has been there through your depression, had two children etc. Women can feel like they've lost themselves when they have a family etc. You may be able to get through your problems eventually. Maybe she just needs some space and time to remember what its like to be herself, not just a mother and a wife. Let her know you love her, and that when she's ready that you should get together (away from the home) and talk about the issues she addressed. I hope you get this all sorted out soon. Take Care x
Author gormley Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 Thank you. I'm sure she's not seeing someone and not questioning her sexuality. I think you've got a good idea of what's happening. My difficulty is just being stuck in limbo - I can't start grieving the break up and I can't look forward to a reconciliation. I'm finding the uncertainty hard to cope with. She's left a few times and never given me a firm message that we're on firm ground. If she comes back I'm not sure how we get around this issue. It hurts a lot and I wish it would stop.
Author gormley Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 I also think there must be other ways to get space and to sort herself out without breaking up the family. After all three of us were very happy. Isn't it a bit selfish?
Author gormley Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 Just spent most of the day with her. We got on well and at the end she became emotional and said when she's away she knows exactly what to do. She seems really confused and this is confusing me. What do I do?
Pamcat826 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 not being funny as this happens a lot, she might be questioning her sexuality. You may not have found another man, so you should look closely for another woman. Not presuming anything, just saying...
Author gormley Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Things have moved on a bit. there definitely some affection and good feeling between and we are spending quite a bit of time together with the children. Shes hinted she may want to go on a holiday that was booked before the separation. The periennial question is is she letting me down gently?
imagine Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 This is a Marriagebuilders problem: Figure out her emotional needs and ask her to help focus on the marriage.
Author gormley Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Hi Imagine Can you expand a little? She's agreed to counselling in the future. What do you mean by marriagebuilders problem? Thanks
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