I just can't believe it

[Nikki Sahagin]

Please, anyone who can bear with me, please do! I know it's the case of the majority who write here, but I am completely devestated and I need someone who can reply and be gentle with me, seeing as I really cannot take anything too harsh at the moment!

 

To recap on my story; me and my boyfriend have been together for two years. We got together when he was in a four month relationship with a friend of mine. At the time I felt we had an amazing connection. We were best friends. He was my first kiss and first sexual partner. I fell completely for him. He left his girlfriend and we began going out. We had our ups and downs but I was completely in love with this person. He was my first love and i'd never felt anything so intense and incredible. He was the only person who'd made me reconsider having children and getting married. I really, really, really, really love this man with my complete and whole heart. I actually know that. I feel I could love him no matter what, be with him no matter what. I really knew in my heart I could be with him forever. That may sound naive or immature but I was so proud to think I had only kissed him, slept with him. I just really, really, really loved him.

 

We broke around the year and a half mark, him with me because he felt I had become too possessive, jealous etc. I went NC. He continuously emailed and text me. We ended up back together after running into each other on a night out. I felt so happy to have another chance. Being without him left me devestated.

 

But things had not felt 'right'. I kept having gut feelings, suspicions, paranoia. A lot of things were different and though there were always excuses, I just knew the problem wasn't me being jealous, or paranoid or insecure. I trust my feelings and I think the fact that they are usually so negative is not a reflection of me but generally a reflection of human nature. Firstly he needed more space which I respected because we had a very claustrophobic relationship. But he needed every friday and saturday. So we would see throughout the week and on sundays. Still I found the need to keep fridays and saturdays always free suspicious but trusted him and allowed him his freedom.

 

Another thing was we used to be on msn together all the time. Since we got back together I said I would like to talk on it more, and he said he just didn't have the time to anymore. Again, I grudgingly accepted this.

 

These are just a few examples.

 

Anyway last night I went to see him and my gut instincts felt really strong. I was cold and distant towards him because I just couldn't bring myself to be close. He was being all lovable and charismatic, but I just felt...somethings not right. For one thing he has always been bad with eye contact...says it makes him uncomfortable. I get that because I used to have big problems with eye contact too...but sometimes it just seems damn shifty to me. I mean we've been together 2 years. And there's nothing like someone avoiding your eyes to make you feel that you don't exist.

 

Anyway.......................this morning when he left, I noticed he left on his computor. I know what peeping and snooping leads to. I know it's not mature, not usually productive and can cause more problems, but I just had to prove this gut instinct right or wrong. I'd asked him, and he'd always promised, sworn etc that nothing was ever happening. Now I know words are words but obviously when you trust someone, you trust their word. So if he said he promised, I believed his promise. Still I had to see. Words weren't enough anymore.

 

The first thing that struck me was that my boyfriend has gone off sex a lot. So I asked him matter of factly if he was watching porn instead. He swore that no, he wasn't. I said oh come on, you must be! He said he just didn't get horny anymore i.e work stress/tiredness which I truly believe and buy. He works a LOT. But as I said, porn is so much easier when you get horny than having sex. So I simply asked, are you watching it? He said no! Swore no! First thing on his recent links? 4 porn sites? I don't mind about porn, but why swear you aren't watching it? This means that yes he DOES get horny and DOES watch the porn, so why lie and say he doesn't get horny?

 

I then checked his facebook messages (it stayed logged in, stroke of luck!). There were only dodgy messages to one girl. This girl is pregnant (no it's not his) so I know they aren't physically cheating, at least sexually cheating. But he was calling this girl things he calls me i.e. princess, angel, baby.....again he swore i'm the only girl he's ever called angel or princess or baby......Also there were messages where he was taking this girl to lunch......but yet with me he never has money or offers to take me. I was devestated.

 

I then checked his msn conversations (supposedly the thing he no longer has time for). 2 girls struck me this time. One a model he was friends with before me. Well he went on holiday one year and she was there. I immediately felt funny about this when he told me. He assured me it was nothing. Well in this conversation he said to her something like "I really wonder what might have happened if we'd seen a few days before". Basically then, he could/might have cheated! Also he swore he wasn't still talking to this girl....but what do I find? Conversations to her? Then again conversations to the pregnant girl........now he says it's disgusting of me to think anything is happening with a girl pregnant with another mans child, but yet in the messages he's saying things like 'your boobs have gotten big'. And that's NOT disgusting I suppose?

 

I burst out crying, turned it off and text him asking him if there's anything he hadn't told me. Immature completely the way the text convo went. He's going to ring me at lunch.

 

I know in my heart that even if he hasn't physically cheated.....this is cheating nonetheless. In other messages I saw he said that he 'wasn't that bothered' that we broke up and that for Valentines 'he wouldn't get me anything or just something small'. All this time he says i'm paranoid or jealous or crazy - AND ALL ALONG THIS IS HOW HE BEHAVES. The pain i'm feeling is unbelievable. Before anything ends I want to speak to him and demand the truth.

 

But i'm terrified. I'm terrified because part of me didn't want to find that. Part of me wanted to live on in ignorance because I love him that much. I really do I just love him so, so much. How can someone that I love so much do this to me? Me? That's 'such a good judge of character' supposedly and so suspicious and so cynical. Me? That's always protected myself from this kind of thing. I just can't stop crying. I feel so beaten down and pathetic. I can't get my head around, can't accept, that someone I would give everything for, have children with, marry, someone special like him that I saved my first kiss and virginity for, could DO this to me. Could look at me and say i'm special and beautiful and that he'd never hurt me and do this Am I that worthless? Am I that meaningless? Am I so unlovable? I would have given him everything. And now I feel that there's a great hole and rip in my heart. I just feel destroyed inside. I feel that I don't even want to fall in love or trust again. How can I? When the person I trusted and loved most in the world, could rip my heart into a million pieces, all the while looking at me and saying how he wants to be with me forever? I don't even know how I will bring myself to trust another person again. When I give my heart, I give it fully. It's in it for the long haul. It seems other people can give half a heart. They can treat your heart like a toy and not care how you cry, how you waste away without eating because you just don't have the appetite.

 

Why do they do this? To the people I love? Please someone, I just need some support whilst I wait for this call. I also didn't say that I snooped. I said I was receiving anonymous texts. I know I should probably admit to what I did, but I know that would just turn on me and i'd never get the answers I need. Only the other night when we were cuddled asleep and I was holding him in my arms did I look at him and think "you're so beautiful, I love you so much....i'll always be here for you". And now the feeling that i've basically been destroyed by him.......what is the point of love?

[sultry33]

sorry but of course he is going to lie..

he obv lied to his previous gf;)

 

just ask yourself if you can continue living with doubt an suspision

once you have snooped there isno going back.

 

my ex met me on a sex dating site.. then i found him watching porn and on other sites..

all through our rs he didnt trust me so really it was doomed

 

my advice.. find a better guy x

[Nikki Sahagin]

sorry but of course he is going to lie..

he obv lied to his previous gf;)

 

just ask yourself if you can continue living with doubt an suspision

once you have snooped there isno going back.

 

my ex met me on a sex dating site.. then i found him watching porn and on other sites..

all through our rs he didnt trust me so really it was doomed

 

my advice.. find a better guy x

 

I know. I guess it's that naive thing where you think i'm different, but with us it's real, but he loved me. And in that you believe them.

 

I don't know that I can live with the suspicion but I also don't know that I can live without him. I just love him so much The pain hurts either to walk away or remain. I feel like i'm in hell, and whichever way I move I'm just hurting myself more and more.

 

And the issue of a better guy....he IS if you removed all of this an amazing guy. I can't seem to seperate that. Maybe i'm in denial at the moment. He was my first kiss, my first love....it's lasted 2 years. I just can't throw it away. God I feel hysterical. I don't understand how someone can be so under my skin.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Please guys I need feedback and support. Should I admit that I snooped? Or will that only cause more problems. What should I do with this information? I am already in my head trying to deny it, somehow make it out to be something other than what it is!

[ByShine]

from the looks of it, it looks like you talk to him with the intention of being 100% truthful but your boyfriend does not. regardless of his mistakes, you love him too much to do anything.. well i guess this is more painful then what im going through right now. but anyway, from reading what you wrote, it seems like your boyfriend is cheating on you. and you have to remember that just because you give someone everything, your whole heart, your whole soul, dosn't mean they appreciate will it or return the favor.

 

your boyfriend is probably very big in your life, i dont know what you guys did or went through but my thoughts are that go through NC again, and go from there. only way to really find out if he still loves you wholeheartedly because talking dosnt seem to work.

 

and i know you probably wanted to live with him whole life having no problems, hoping he would be doing the same...

but sadly i dont think he really deserves your dedication and love

 

just my thoughts on this

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like he is the type to cheat his way into relationships and cheat his way out of them. Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

That's the thing with savvy liars - they can mirror you in such a way that you would swear that they are you true love, your soul mate, etc - but eventually they get tired of holding up that mirror and let it slip and you start to see the real face behind that mirror. Then, you realize you fell in love with your own invention, which he willingly helped you build. The person you fell in love with doesn't even exist.

 

The harder you fight for what you thought was real, the quicker they will squirm away. They don't mind putting up that front, but maintaining it? Nah - they always let it go eventually. They are usually busy holding up the mirror for someone else.

[Nikki Sahagin]

What people have said has made me cry. Thankyou so much for your feedbback. I just feel completely beaten down. At times I feel strong and confident and at other times, this whole experience has made me feel so worthless. I just can't understand why someone I loved so much, who supposedly loved me could do this to me. And i'm frightened to walk away. I'm frightened because I can't see myself ever loving anyone again. I'm frightened because even after all this I can't bear not to cuddle him in the night or look into his eyes or hold his hand. We are talking tomorrow so we are still at the moment together. The thought of saying goodbye forever, it seriously rips something out of me; trust, hope, my expectations of him. I think this will really cripple me.

 

And at the same time I just feel so much anger that I could smother him. Angry that he would do this to me. Angry at myself because the strength to leave seems to come and go, it's there and then it alludes me. Angry because THIS is the guy who told me he wanted children with me, wanted to marry, HE wanted it not me, then I begin to feel the same things, and he is a con all along. God I feel so bitter right now.

[Biggie25x]

I know what you mean about the emotions being out of control. I'm there and going through it now. The only things that people tell me that gives me a glimmer of hope is that they will settle down in time.

 

Just keep repeating to yourself that you deserve better. If your current partner won't provide that for you, than someone else WILL. Don't give your current partner the power or satisfaction to ruin your life. Prove to yourself that you are better and stronger than that. That you can and will overcome adversity.

 

I feel for you and even though I'm a guy I understand the craziness of your emotions. You deserve better and you will find someone that can give you better. If your current partner won't provide that for you than they are not who you thought they were. I wish you luck.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I know what you mean about the emotions being out of control. I'm there and going through it now. The only things that people tell me that gives me a glimmer of hope is that they will settle down in time.

 

Just keep repeating to yourself that you deserve better. If your current partner won't provide that for you, than someone else WILL. Don't give your current partner the power or satisfaction to ruin your life. Prove to yourself that you are better and stronger than that. That you can and will overcome adversity.

 

I feel for you and even though I'm a guy I understand the craziness of your emotions. You deserve better and you will find someone that can give you better. If your current partner won't provide that for you than they are not who you thought they were. I wish you luck.

 

I really appreciate your response. It's just at the moment I can't seem to pull myself together. It's not the 'best time' (if there is such a thing) considering that my birthday and exams are soon and I had such high hopes of celebrating that with him. It's the broken promises I guess. The promise that someone is there for you and can offer you so much happiness, so much fun, and then just snatch it away. What is your story?

[Biggie25x]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t184266/

 

Basically, we had an argument about two weeks ago and the next da she decided she wasn't coming home for 5 days and when she did she continued on saying she wants a divorce. That the pain I/we caused her/each other, was too much and that she didn't love me anymore. That there was no way to get back together no matter what I/we did to change anything.

 

I have no choice but to accept that. It's been hard at times but the longer it goes it seems the better perspective I have of our marriage. Of the problems there that weren't being taken care of. Of her inability to change or do anything that would support me. The constant arguments because I was always competing with everything else in her life and I would always loose. Of all the time spent away from my family because she refused to move closer to them, in the middle of both our families, so I could see them more.

 

While I want her back, want to grow together and make each other happy, I will be fine either way. I will not give her the satisfaction nor will I fail myself of being anything else.

 

Of course I say that now, just 10 minutes ago I was thinking what I'd do without her. Now, I have a lot less of those moments. It's turning into more of a regret that we couldn't make it work. That no matter what I tried she was never going to change. That maybe, with time, I just might be better off without her.

[ByShine]

What people have said has made me cry. Thankyou so much for your feedbback. I just feel completely beaten down. At times I feel strong and confident and at other times, this whole experience has made me feel so worthless. I just can't understand why someone I loved so much, who supposedly loved me could do this to me. And i'm frightened to walk away. I'm frightened because I can't see myself ever loving anyone again. I'm frightened because even after all this I can't bear not to cuddle him in the night or look into his eyes or hold his hand. We are talking tomorrow so we are still at the moment together. The thought of saying goodbye forever, it seriously rips something out of me; trust, hope, my expectations of him. I think this will really cripple me.

 

And at the same time I just feel so much anger that I could smother him. Angry that he would do this to me. Angry at myself because the strength to leave seems to come and go, it's there and then it alludes me. Angry because THIS is the guy who told me he wanted children with me, wanted to marry, HE wanted it not me, then I begin to feel the same things, and he is a con all along. God I feel so bitter right now.

 

refer to the bold letter.

 

to be honest i think thats the guys you need to get away from, or school him quick because they dont know any better.

He could just be playing with your heart... well i dont know, maybe i'm being too vague.. but dont lose your integrity for that person

[kizik]

Nikki,

 

I am sorry that you recently discovered this. The fact is, you can do SO much better than a lying, verbally-cheating guy who often doesn't even look you in the eyes.

 

What are you afraid of? Getting the attention and care you actually deserve? I know you love this guy, but he's a shady, untrustworthy jerk. Get out! Do it quickly and get that messy part over with.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Nikki,

 

I am sorry that you recently discovered this. The fact is, you can do SO much better than a lying, verbally-cheating guy who often doesn't even look you in the eyes.

 

What are you afraid of? Getting the attention and care you actually deserve? I know you love this guy, but he's a shady, untrustworthy jerk. Get out! Do it quickly and get that messy part over with.

 

Thankyou Kizik. It is fear I guess. It's a weird thing considering what's happened but its in part a fear of regret. Fear that if only I stay and stick with it, things will be okay. Fear that by ending it, i'm giving up, that if I love him enough I can stay and make it work. Weird as it sounds, even as I type it, I feel that in part in staying, i'm being strong and i'm being strong because I love him. It's almost like a kind of martyr (spl?) thing...that I love him so much, I love you so much, can't you see it?

 

And I guess i'm afraid because we were best friends for about 2 years before, have been 2 years together. He was the first boy I trusted, first boy I kissed, first boy for everything really, and that friendship...to let that go as well....to let go of that connection...i've never felt before what I feel for him, that I could love someone forever and never get bored of them. I get bored of people so easily but with him the magic has ALWAYS been there, like something from a fairy tale and its like I can't face the reality that he ISN'T that perfect person. I think I am in denial - almost that I can't face that he isn't that person anymore. Like the things i've seen and read contradict with the kind, trustworthy, loving, caring guy who has done SO many kind things for me in the past, I couldn't even list them all. I just can't accept that a man who has been there for me through SO much (like I said I couldn't even list it), who has done so much for me, cared so much for me, done things he HATES to make me happier, could then do this? It's that Jekyl and Hyde thing where someone can be such an angel to you, and then such a *****. And in my head it just doesn't make sense. I just can't accept it yet.

 

I suppose I'm afraid that if the man that did and gave so much for me, that made me believe in true love, could do this, the first man I allowed myself to trust could do this - then how can I trust another person with my heart? It just doesn't make sense to me. I guess that is my greatest fear.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Also, I think one of the hardest things to get over....weird as it may sound is the physical body. I guess its what we see in love, but to me he is physically perfect. And i've always been so proud to say i've slept with just one person. I know life doesn't work out like a great fairytale where the right person is always the right person, but I was so proud of that. I felt it made us special, I felt it made us for each other. And the thought of having to touch someone else, kiss someone else, seems like a complete betrayal, not just to him, but to that notion in my mind that its what helps make me special. I'm not just one of those endless girls guys can meet who will just drop their knickers, whether for attention or gratification or money or alcohol. I know obviously moving on and being with someone else doesn't make me that...its an ego thing I guess...that i'm better because i've only been with 1 person, its so hard to explain and probably hard for the less conservative, less high-strung out there....

[kizik]

by ending it, i'm giving up, that if I love him enough I can stay and make it work.

 

Nikki, one person alone can't make a relationship work. There's no honor in trying, despite your martyr-like ambitions. In fact, the smarter, more honorable thing to do is to realize and accept when something simply does not work. You cannot make this man appreciate you.

 

He was the first boy I trusted, first boy I kissed, first boy for everything really

 

He's all you know right now, but frankly, did you really expect your first to be your last? I don't know how old you are, Nikki, but you sound very young and you need to allow for the fact that you have SO MUCH living left to do. People to meet.

 

And you have SO MUCH growing left to do as a person, too.

 

how can I trust another person with my heart? It just doesn't make sense to me. I guess that is my greatest fear.

 

We all feel like this after getting burnt. You have to trust slowly. You set standards and you hope people will meet them. You become guarded without being paranoid. Simply put, you don't let anyone hurt you! If they have the same view on life that you do, chances are you'll end up trusting them. But it's a slow process.

 

i've always been so proud to say i've slept with just one person.

 

I can relate to this. I've slept with three different women in my lifetime, and I'm 25. My friends would probably make fun of me till the cows come home, but I like not having been the sleazy promiscuous male-whore that a lot of young guys are.

 

What's that you say? You only slept with three women, kizik, because that's all you could get?

 

Touche. Well-played.

 

Nikki, when we're young, everything feels like the end of the world, but we forget how much we have left to learn. My guess is that with your next boyfriend, you'll place more importance on things like total honesty and looking you in the eyes, etc. Every person we meet is someone we can learn something from, and your ex just provided you with the hard-way valuable lesson to NOT ignore someone's flaws just to see their supposed perfections.

[entityzero]

"your ex just provided you with the hard-way valuable lesson to NOT ignore someone's flaws just to see their supposed perfections"

 

So so so so true.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Thankyou Kizik. I really appreciate it.

 

I haven't admitted to snooping yet. As I said i've got exams etc coming up. I can't deal with it right now. So i'm pretending things are fine (cautiously fine) until they are done. Then i'm going to print off the **** I found, give it to him and say 'i'm not sorry I looked - goodbye'

[Nikki Sahagin]

I just wanted to add some of the things I found.

 

I wondered why he'd gone off sex. Supposedly 'tired' and 'stressed', he said something about it 'not being the same' or 'he's not as interested' yet it's ME that puts in all the effort, HIM who's paranoid about his body, HIM that does the same old same old, it's me that makes all the effort with it.

 

God this has actually DESTROYED me, that's how I feel. I feel like I never want to look at another man again.

[EmperorR]

It sucks for now but it will get better in time, time is key. You loved what he was not the scum he is now.