sotired Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 So....We've been dating for 4 years now. We are engaged and have been through a lot of really tough times together but still very much in love. The biggest problem in our relationship is that he never wants sex. If I attempt to initiate he basically tells me I seem desperate and that is a turn off. If I don't do anything, he just plays his video games all day and just talks to me when he wants something to eat or drink. Before we got together he was a total man whore. He went through girls like underwear and always bragged about all the sex he had. I was turned off by this and didn't give him the time of day until over a year after meeting him. At first our sex life was great, but the more time that goes by the more comfortable he is in this routine of coming home and ignoring me for tv, video games, the internet...any excuse to not look at me. I've tried to talk to him about it and he says I'm ridiculous for getting upset over sex. I am just so tired of feeling unwanted. I know he's not cheating..He's just lazy....He does really sweet stuff for me and tells me he loves me constantly...but it's just not enough. Part of me just wants out, but if he could put forth some effort in the bedroom I would be willing to stay. Help!!
Bejita463 Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 What has changed since the loss of libido? His/Your job? His/Your and weight appearance? New game? Financial stress? That would be where I would start trying to narrow the problem down. I lost interest in sex with my ex-wife for a combination of such things, and she asked why without trying to actually see the reason. I'll offer a very brief explanation, which may help. Skip the next paragraph if you are uninterested in it. Before we got married she was, or was claiming she was trying to lose weight. After we were married for a few years her weight had significantly increased. She also made pitiful attempts at pulling her share of work (household or income production). That said to me she was not trying to please me. So, why would I try to please her? Don't simply discard the possibility you are doing something he doesn't like. He may just be remaining quiet because he does not want to hurt your feelings. Keep in mind I'm not saying it is all you, or even you at all. It may be something has him stressed out or distracted that he does not want to talk about. If you can identify something that has changed since his apparent loss of interest, that would likely shed some insight. My 2c.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 I definitely see some good points in Bejita's post. But I would strongly recommend pre-marriage counseling. Because you're trying to communicate with him something that's important to you and he's blowing you off - it's like a double injury. I'd say his lack of interest is definitely symptom of a deeper problem. If he won't talk to you about it, maybe he'd feel safer with a counselor. He may be worried if he just tells YOU that you might get angry and a fight will ensue. Guys hate drama. I'm not sure how open he would be to pre-MC, but I really think it would help you two to come up with new ways to communicate because what you're doing isn't working. You're going to end up resenting him big time and he's going to withdraw further the more you push him.
Waitress Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Hi Sotired, I think Bejita makes some good points. There's something else I'd like to suggest is possible. If he was sleeping around constantly, "going through girls like underwear," he may just be "done" with sex in a way. I think people who have so many casual sex partners end up having a really difficult time bonding with someone for real. He probably just doesn't know how. His whole MO for dating had been casual sex before you. Maybe something is a little twisted in his mind about sex and now that you guys love each other it somehow seems inappropriate for him. Maybe he sees you as someone too high in his esteem to "bang" now. Just some thoughts. But it really is a big deal when one partner feels shut out and turned down when the other partner loses interest in sex. Talk to someone professional about this for sure.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I wouldn't under any circumstances marry - unless you intend to spend the rest of your life having these problems. They really don't get better. They might cycle up to 'bearable' but what cycles up always cycles back down in time. Some men in long term relationships simply don't respond to stimuli the same way, if at all. Plenty of women are shackled to men like this for life. Be sure about going forward knowing this.
Author sotired Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 He has gained a bit of weight. I'm hoping it's just a phase, but I wil not marry him if things don't change. I googled this earlier and found tons of stories of women trapped in relationships like this and were totally miserable. I refuse to waste my life with someone who can't satisfy me. Thanks for the advice
D-Lish Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 It doesn't sound like he's satisfying you in any way. If he's coming home just to watch tv, play video games and surf the internet and avoids talking to you.... how is that a recipe for a great relationship? Add the no sex on top of that... and you're in for a long miserable life with him. Sounds as if you are settling!
Author sotired Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 It's just recently gotten to be this bad. I don't know if he is just in a rut or something but we used to spend more time together. Finances are really tight too and we were both in danger of losing our jobs at the beginning of the year. I'm hoping it's just stress. I'm going to give it some more time before giving up on him....I just don't want to throw away 4 years because he's hit a rough patch.
NINEBREAKER Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 i have whored arounded constantly since me and my x ended it for what i hope is for good. then i stopped. i havent has sex in 2 months i been offered plenty of times and more good looking girls are making the offer its just... it dosnt feel right. and i'm stressed out and constantly thinking of things. maybe hes got something on his mind and cant do it for 1 reason or another
Cherished Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Do you think he could be suffering from depression? The weight gain, loss of interest in sex, loss of interest in things you used to do....
NINEBREAKER Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Do you think he could be suffering from depression? The weight gain, loss of interest in sex, loss of interest in things you used to do.... yeah that sounds posible i'm not having sex because i'm to stressed out.
Author sotired Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 That is possible. He does seem a bit "blah" all around. I am going to mention counseling to him and start dragging him to the park to get some sunshine and exercise. We are on vacation from work this week so hopefully this will get sorted out.
NINEBREAKER Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 have a sit down with him ask him if it has something to do with your or if it is him. dont get overly emotional if his answer hurts a bit.
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