He's Testing Me Now (Post-break up)

[wildsoul]

I need to get this off my chest. It's not really a question. More of a request for support, I suppose. I need to check in and share my process. Sorry, it's kinda long. My posts usually are.

 

I haven't seen xMM in person for 5 weeks.

 

The last time we spoke was by phone 4.5 weeks ago, when I was coming home from a trip--just to make sure he'd vacated the premises.

 

NC since then. I've not contacted him, nor him me.

 

As I predicted, he would "abandon me," for awhile. And I made good use of that time to detach from him. It's been pretty easy, as I've been able to ride the wave of anger over what caused me to dump him.

 

Not only have I put him in the "ex boyfriend" box in my mind, but I also took the few personal belongings he had here to the dump. It was kinda fun driving out to the BIG landfill and tossing the bag of stuff onto a mountain of trash. I also mailed back his key (padded envelope, no note, no return address) so that he'd have no legitimate reason to call me for it. I've been moving along just fine.

 

Then starting last Friday, I've been getting hang up calls on my business line. During lunchtime, but also Sunday nite. They weren't numbers I had on file for him, but it was his area code. A quick Google search revealed the 3 numbers that have been calling/hanging up were all landline calls from the small city where he lives with his wife. I know he's there, and not at his apartment. Yesterday, I cloacked my caller ID and called them. 2 were fax lines. A woman answered the 3rd line. I'm SURE those numbers were from their house. I don't know if he's been calling, or if it's her. (She'd be able to get my work line of the internet. He wouldn't usually call me on the 800#, unless maybe he doesn't want the outbound call to show on their phone log.)

 

Since it was my work line, it was very easy to block all 3 numbers.

 

Last night, I was out on a date and made the mistake of checking my PDA. There was an email from him. The gist of it is was to tell me how his wife and her friend have been reading my personal blog with great interest (I did mention that I'd broken up with someone recently) and that the women were giddy and gloating about it over dinner.

 

He also mentioned something about how I "must be relieved to "not not have to read that verbal abuse book again." He was referring to a book I'd bought in January, when I was trying to figure out what to do. I'm GLAD to hear that he found it in my nightstand while he was housesitting.

 

He closed with something about how I don't adore him anymore (poor him!)

 

It was an effort to get under my skin. It worked, because I was distracted from my date last night, and distracted today.

 

I have fought the urge to respond, even though I feel triggered. Part of me wants to tell him:

A. Don't email me again.

B. For him AND/OR his wife to stop calling me.

 

And then I'm REALLY tempted to c.c. his wife on my NC email, as well as set up a filter that will forward any other emails he sends me to her, while simultaneously disappearing into my archives as read. This feels like a good revenge for the day that I predict he will start sending me lovey-dovey emails to get me back. (I could be wrong, but I bet that day will come before too long.)

 

But then it seems like ANY response, is just going to stir up more drama.

 

I'm noticing how I'm feeling a bit toxic now. It stirred up some grief that hasn't come out yet. Probaby my next stage of healing on it's way up and out after my anger phase. I don't feel well today, after doing pretty well over the last month.

 

Thoughts?

[Owl]

Block his email address. And any other cracks in your fence that the weasel might try to slip through.

 

And forget about him...he's not worth the electrical energy your brain spends while you're thinking about him.

[wildsoul]

Block his email address. And any other cracks in your fence that the weasel might try to slip through.

 

And forget about him...he's not worth the electrical energy your brain spends while you're thinking about him.

Ok Owl, I just set my personal email to automatically delete mail from ALL of his email addresses. There's just no way I can handle reading stuff from him, and it's guaranteed that he'll send more sooner or later. It would be too tempting to respond, but even if I don't, it gets me upset and I have to pull myself together. I've got to close the chapter.

 

My head has NO problem with this. I've made up my mind about not going back to him. I can't open the door even a little bit, because I've really accepted the FUTILITY that all the love & chemistry we shared is obliterated by his abuse. I must let it go.

 

And I'm smart enough to realize that if I reconnect with him, the love feelings would probably STILL come back. I can't let that happen. It doesn't change the futility. If our love was luke-warm, maybe I could kid myself into thinking I could maintain LC, but we were too entwined. It's too seductive. I've got to close the door.

 

My initial anger and bravado is fading some now though. My head still knows what to do, but OH! I'm starting to feel the terrible sadness welling up. I guess it's unavoidable. I don't want him back, but there's so much grief in my chest. Ouchie.

[OpenBook]

There was an email from him. The gist of it is was to tell me how his wife and her friend have been reading my personal blog with great interest (I did mention that I'd broken up with someone recently) and that the women were giddy and gloating about it over dinner.

 

He also mentioned something about how I "must be relieved to "not not have to read that verbal abuse book again." He was referring to a book I'd bought in January, when I was trying to figure out what to do. I'm GLAD to hear that he found it in my nightstand while he was housesitting.

 

He closed with something about how I don't adore him anymore (poor him!)

 

Wildsoul, that is absolutely horrible. It sounds like he worded the email so that if you DID forward it to his W, she would only get a kick out of it. (I wouldn't be surprised if she wrote it herself!) I would definitely NOT respond to it in any way... nor the phone calls. They will both get it out of their systems eventually. I hope. For your sake.

 

It also sounds like you are already doing everything you can to move forward with your own life. Good for you! Just keep on moving. When you entered into this A, you stepped into a nasty pile of sh*t and it's going to take some long walking before you are able to get rid of the stench. But take heart - you are definitely moving in the right direction and you WILL leave it behind you. Just keep on walking.

[jj33]

So sorry he is doing this but as you say no surprise. Its who he is. Good for you for blocking his email address from your personal email and your work phone.

 

Can you block him from your professional email?

 

You are precisely right. Total NC. This man is baiting you because any attention is good attention. Hes not come to you as a mature adult. So hes not someone you want in your life. Hes not positive energy. He drains you time and again.

 

No good can come of being in touch with him. Eventually he will tire of it; especially when he cant reach you by phone and gets no response to your emails.

 

Is there some way of making sure he cant post in relation to your blog?

 

Shut down all avenues of communication with him. Hes a part of your past, not a part of your future.

 

And hang in there. The pain will pass. You are going out on dates you are moving forward. You are doing great.

 

Big hugs

 

jj

[wildsoul]

@OpenBook: Thank you for acknowledging my feelings and progress today. I need it.

 

@jj33: Yes, blocked my work mail too.

 

If I need to, I can make blog comments go thru moderation first. Yet I prefer to not do that for my real readers. If he or his W decide to write something ugly, I do get a new comment alert so could delete it fast. They haven't commented yet. She's just keeping tabs on me. I don't blame her, as I'd probably do the same thing. I can't stop her from reading, and I'm a writer, so I'm going to keep writing.

 

Yes, eventually he'll realize I won't have him back, and she'll realize I'm no threat.

 

Next, I figure that he'll give up his apartment and move back in with the W. She'll think that is a reconcilliation/honeymoon. He'll tell her it is. It will really be so that he doesn't have to afford 2 households (especially as he no longer needs to be separated in order to see ME.) Meanwhile, he'll find another OW, one who's willing to date him while he lives with his W. A married OW would be better suited for him. Or he'll keep burning thru single ones, needing to replace them as they can no longer tolerate the pain.

[OpenBook]

I figure that he'll give up his apartment and move back in with the W. She'll think that is a reconcilliation/honeymoon. He'll tell her it is. It will really be so that he doesn't have to afford 2 households (especially as he no longer needs to be separated in order to see ME.) Meanwhile, he'll find another OW, one who's willing to date him while he lives with his W. A married OW would be better suited for him. Or he'll keep burning thru single ones, needing to replace them as they can no longer tolerate the pain.

 

My wish for him... he'll hook a real doozy, a la Fatal Attraction - and then the sh*t will REALLY hit the fan. With knives, police, jail, blood and EVERYTHING.

 

God, what a mess. Aren't you relieved to be out of that clusterf*ck from hell????

[wildsoul]

My wish for him... he'll hook a real doozy, a la Fatal Attraction - and then the sh*t will REALLY hit the fan. With knives, police, jail, blood and EVERYTHING.

 

God, what a mess. Aren't you relieved to be out of that clusterf*ck from hell????

I feel a little guilty for laughing my a** off at your wish. But thanks for the black humor. It suits my foul mood.

 

Yes, I'm relieved. I miss all the fun/love/romance/sex we had. I can only hope I'll have that again. But I've been try not to dwell on the good things that are gone. Instead, I've been enjoying the quiet calmness of having some alone time...

No INCESSANT worrying about these topics:

No worrying about whether he'll file for D or not.

No worrying about how long his D might take.

No worrying about if he'll "file" for D just to appease me (but not do it.)

No worrying about if he will cheat on me too.

 

It's okay without him. My life is still very hard right now, with tremendous economic uncertainty that scares the hell out of me. But for all the comfort I got from his arms wrapped around me, and the future he waxed poetically about, I still didn't have REAL security with him. All those worrying variables! So while I might fall, maybe lose my house because it's more than I can afford on a single woman's budget--I have to try to create some stability for myself.

 

"That clusterf*ck from hell," as you put it, was hard on me. I'm tired, sad, scared, but it's peaceful here. I'm so glad I posted here today, instead of emailing him back! *whew* Thank you.

[NoIDidn't]

I would ignore him. Period. Good for you in setting up a filter to automatically delete all messages from him.

 

A bit off topic, but in the thread: he could be lying about things he claims that his wife said. This woman never called you before with hangup calls, so it makes no sense that she would start doing it now. This man is a practiced liar and manipulator. You know what his W lived with. It is very possible that he called from numbers from the house so that he could deny that it was him if called on it.

 

Concentrate on ignoring him and his lies. I found the part about the book funny, sorry. It must have infuriated him to find that you found him abusive.

 

I think HE is a bunnyboiler. Hopefully, you AND his wife, are well rid of him.

[RecordProducer]

My initial anger and bravado is fading some now though. My head still knows what to do, but OH! I'm starting to feel the terrible sadness welling up. I guess it's unavoidable. I don't want him back, but there's so much grief in my chest. Ouchie.

Oh, boy, do I know how you fell exactly! Well, you're not alone. Give it a few days or weeks and it will go away. I am struggling myself.

[Ms. Red]

Good for you! It's so refreshing to read when someone does the smart thing & follows their brain and not their heart. Not meaning to put down anyone when I say that. I know it's hard.

 

Your feeling the pain & loss of the good guy part of him. The one who held you & told you everything would be all right. The one who talked about how great your future would be together. Your suffering the death of that guy when the A-hole part of him showed his true colors.

 

It's almost easier when the body dies to mourn the loss. At least then they won't keep harassing you. I sound morbid. But it's the way I feel. I've been where you are. I realized "he" wasn't who I thought he was. I cried & hurt but I cut his sorry a$$ out of my life. When he called I didn't give in to his whining & attempts to blame me for all the problems.

 

When you look back on all this after the pain is gone, you will be proud in the fact that you didn't respond to him. You didn't e-mail him. You didn't call him back. It's hard as hell now but you will be proud of yourself more in the future if you don't cave now.

 

^^ Just a little encouragement for you in case you feel the urge to respond to him. Hang in there & post here if you ever get the urge to respond to him.

 

I wish you well. Your LS sista, Ms.. Red =^-^=

[whichwayisup]

WS, you're doing great - So be proud of yourself for standing up and staying strong. It's amazing that his true colours really have been shown. He really is a piece of work and thinks his sh*t doesn't stink.

 

That clusterf*ck from hell,

 

And then some..

[2sure]

Whether his wife was calling like he reports - or he was...he is fishing for drama/contact/anything he can get. Remember - it isnt just about sex for him and never was. He craves the attention, the drama.

 

He emailed you to tell you that his wife was laughing at you.

 

He was fishing for a response.

 

Screams small & needy.

[wildsoul]

He emailed you to tell you that his wife was laughing at you.

I'd like to be like Teflon, but that mean comment did stick and burn as he intended it to. In retrospect, it's more of the verbal/emotional abuse, and that's refeuling my anger again. How dare he!

 

Thank you to all of you who've responded. I need the positive reinforcement.

 

A friend of mine, who was appalled that he tried to hurt me with the comments about his wife being so catty about my blog, still feels strongly that I should send him an email letting him know that NC is officially on. That makes me a bit torn, and now I'm thinking about doing that again.

[jj33]

2sure that is so so right. WS, in a million years do you think his wife would laugh at you. I dont think so.... or that she would call you and hang up? No dont think so.

 

This is all him. he misses the interaction with you.

 

Hope you are feeling stronger again today. And remember Thanksgiving and your kitten and all the other aggravation. No need to ever talk to that person again.

 

You are moving on, going on dates, you are moving forward. He is like a little child wailing on the floor thrashing his fists because you arent playing anymore. Too bad. He had more than his share of chances. He isnt the man you thought he could be.

[jj33]

WS - I would say dont do it. NC is on because you have blocked him and are never going to speak to him again. When he doesnt hear from you, he will get it eventually.

 

It takes 2 to agree to NC. The message he sent you wasnt loving. It was mean (understatement). So he doesnt deserve to be told anything. Youve successfully blocked him from contacting you, let him continue to taunt cyberspace (its his own form of mental masturbation).

[wildsoul]

The message he sent you wasnt loving. It was mean (understatement). So he doesnt deserve to be told anything.

Right. Absolutely.

 

I can be pathologically nice, just as much as he can be pathologically mean.

 

Gotcha, jj33. Thanks!

[2sunny]

don't bother with the effort of telling him you are doing NC - just let your actions say what you mean.

 

and he's been at his Wife's house... he was always there - alot!

 

he was just pretty good at making it look like he wasn't there. all those times he went MIA for a day or so... then longer at other times... he was always there - with her. that's why she stays with him... because he makes her believe that he's still in the M 100%

 

all the lies he told about why he needed to head to her house was just a big cover designed so you would believe his bs.

 

bottom line is - the guy is a jerk all the way around... designed to appear great. the longer you are away from him the more clear things will become about just what a jerk he really was. he was only good at covering it up when things were going his way. you got the real him every time he was frustrated or angry. it wasn't pretty. that's what she (W) lives with all the time... poor gal.

[jj33]

Uch. I hate that you are going through this. But you are moving on at the speed of light so look at this (if you can as a small detour on the road forward). When you no longer wonder whether he is emailing or calling etc. you will breathe a huge sigh of relief.

 

You can do this. In fact you are. It just doesnt feel like it when he is yanking your chain so hard...

 

big hugs

[LucreziaBorgia]

Making sure his emails are forwarded to his wife might not be a bad idea. It might keep him from attempting more contacts.

[jj33]

Lucretia in theory I agree but maybe not. Sending them to her just invites more contact and means WS needs to do something. If she just blocks contact then he gets no satisfaction from contacting her and she doesnt have to worry about his next attempt.

[Goldstar]

Wild Soul, I have been following your thread for awhile now. You are soo close to shutting this chapter.

 

Do not contact this man in any way. Do not forward the emails to the wife. Stay strong!

[Cherished]

If you really wanted him out of your life, you wouldn't have him housesit your place, that's crazy.

 

Also, I think it is rude and disrespectful of you to make your myspace blog or whatever, available for public. You can make it private so only your friends can read it.

That just shows that you want others to snoop on your life and get some personal satisfaction out of it.

So, if you have any respect for yourself, make your blog private.

Myspace blogs can get people fired, too. That is, if you even have a job.

[wildsoul]

If you really wanted him out of your life, you wouldn't have him housesit your place, that's crazy.

 

Also, I think it is rude and disrespectful of you to make your myspace blog or whatever, available for public. You can make it private so only your friends can read it.

That just shows that you want others to snoop on your life and get some personal satisfaction out of it.

So, if you have any respect for yourself, make your blog private.

Myspace blogs can get people fired, too. That is, if you even have a job.

Wow. Talk about rude and disrepectful.

 

We broke up DURING/AFTER he housesat for me.

 

I'm a writer/essayist. My "personal" blog isn't an online diary or "myspace" kind of trashy blog. It's not what you think.

 

You're projecting your low-level world of myspace and demeaning day jobs onto me.

 

Sorry, I don't mean to be rude back. I meant to say, "Hello and Welcome! You're the newest member of my ignore list."

[Cherished]

Um, I don't have a myspace account but that is not "low level". I do think on some level your personal blog is a way to get back to the wife.

I wasn't being rude - just honest.

Your exMM was being classy in letting you know that you need to stop your personal blogging on a public website. are you actually getting paid to make these blogs? OK then make them private so the public can't access them, duh.