lovebubble Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 .. so, although he is controlling.. i knew that before i married him and basically decided that i was prepared to live with it.. because i love him. now i feel guilty for all of a sudden deciding that i'm not happy being controlled. i feel like i sold him a fake dream.. and i'm changing the terms of our marriage, in a way. is it okay to walk away from a marriage because YOU are unhappy? it feelds so selfish.. but, staying in an unhappy marriage seems even more selfless.
Constantine Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 You should NEVER feel guilty for leaving a unhealthy relationship, and judging by your previous post you are in a very unhealthy relationship. Cut your (and his) losses, learn a valueble lesson and move on to better things. Nothing wrong with beeing "selfish" in these situations, on the contrary you should be selfish and think of your wellbeeing and mental health. The chances of things improving are slim and the sooner you realize that the better. It might hurt and be difficult in the beginning, but in the long run its the only right thing to do.
Just Angel Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Ditto to what Constantine said. It is not selfish to expect to be treated with respect. Not selfish to get your needs met. You said you feel like you sold him a fake dream. I do understand where you're coming from on that. But, in making a huge needed change in my marriage, I realized that its also selfish and unrealistic for one to expect that the other will never change. Thats what lifes all about right? Please stay strong and get some people who really love you to support you on this. He WILL try to manipulate you and twist your head around to get what he wants. Having people to back you up will help you stay focused on YOUR needs and will help you see his manipulation for what is really is.
Shehe Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I greatly agree with Constantine and Just Angel. You should not feel guilty nor selfish for wanting to leave and find true happiness.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I know what you mean! I'm not doing anything like leaving a marriage, but just considering leaving a relationship fills me with guilt and leaves me feeling selfish. Maybe thats part of the control element?
thatsjustme Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 I am struggling with a similar thing at the moment. My husband was not always controlling but he has gradually become controlling to a point where I am suffocating. I am reluctant to leave because we have 2 children together. I am going to try and get him to stop being so controlling and give him an opportunity to change before I walk out the door. If he won't stop on his own I will take him to marriage counselling. I would rather be with him and have him not control me than to leave him. I really think he would work on it if it meant losing me and for me, this is the first port of call and divorce is the last port of call. Again, because of the kids.
Author lovebubble Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 thatsjustme.. my situation is somewhat similar. i took him to marriage counceling.. and it helped for a while but, he slowly reverted back to his controlling ways. i left him.. and he knew why so, he wrote letters about how the last thing he wanted to do was to control me.. how he never wanted to loose me and how i am free to do ANYTHING.. that he couldn't phathom leaving me even if i cheated on him.. and once we got back together and comfortable.. he slowly crept back into his controlling ways. he has to want to change from within. if he's just going along with it or '' letting '' you do things that he's really not okay with.. he'll only revert back. if he wasn't controlling at first, that's a good sign, though. maybe he recently became insecure about something and that is possibly reversable. i think mine is extremely insecure, always has been and it stems from the way he was raised.. and it would be extremely hard for me to reverse the effects of that, although i have tried. good luck and thanks for the great advice everyone.
Ronni_W Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 I am going to try and get him to stop being so controlling and give him an opportunity to change ... If he won't stop on his own I will take him to marriage counselling. I agree with lovebubble -- "giving him" opportunities to change, and "getting him" to stop old behaviours/start new ones, and "taking him" to counseling will be futile if HE doesn't want to make any changes. (That kind of thought/language is demonstrating a control pattern of your own, btw.) How to stop being controlled is: START acting assertively. You only have control and authority over your own actions, and you do have the right to work towards meeting your own needs and desires. And this way, you are acting self-responsibly and taking charge of your own happiness -- you stop being the victim of anybody else's maladaptive behaviours and lack of life/relationship skills. If you do need some confidence/guidance on how to act assertively, then individual counseling may be helpful. lovebubble -- similar thing -- maybe an individual counselor can help you learn how to deal more effectively with someone who is insecure?
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