monkeygrrl Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Hi. I'm new here. I found out a couple of months ago my husband has been having a relationship with a woman he met on Facebook. We are in the states and she is half way around the world. I knew something was up and I kept trying to talk to him, but he kept saying nothing, nothing, work, tired, nothing... Against my better judgement, I checked his emails. And I was shocked and horrified at seeing what this woman was writing to him. I confronted him about it, then he laid out that he has been unhappy for years and that he was going to talk to me about it, etc. We started couples counseling and he started individual counseling, but he recently stopped because "it cost too much money" and he felt the couples counselor was too biased. I found out last week his relationship with this woman has not ended. It's entirely sexual in nature and he said he loved her. He hells me it's only words and it means nothing. He says he loves me. I mentioned divorce and suddenly he's sorry and he'll end it...but I know he hasn't. Still up late at night on the computer doing god knows what. When I asked him why he's doing this, he says it's nothing. I called him a cheater and he said it's not cheating. I know that OW is only a symptom of our other problems, but I can't move past this. To me, I think it's over. That's what actions are showing me. I am at my wit's end.
NewSunrise Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Welcome on LS. You'll find that many have gone through what you are going and you WILL come out of it stronger than you think. As a former BS, I know exactly what you are going through. Whether it's online, it IS still cheating. It's easy to assume that the notion of his cheating is a "symptom" of what is going or not going on in your M. BUT, you do not share the blame in his decision to cross the line. Here's a few steps to consider to kill his A. 1. Expose the affair to both of your family 2. Demand a NC with the OW or else...you will have NC w/your H. Ask him to leave. DO NOT leave your marital residence. Make him leave. 3. Expose OW on Facebook. If you don't have an account create one with a picture of you and your H. Confirm your H as your friend. If you know his password, have him confirm you as friend so that the OW's pic is on your friend's list as well. Then expose to all of her/his friends. 4. Prepare for divorce= start making copies of legal documents, payroll statements, tax returns, assets, bank accounts, phone records, credit card statements(track his expenses. Ask for referrals on divorce attorneys. If you live in a "fault" state which frowns upon infidelity, you'll come on top. 5. If your H has a desk top computer, install a keylogger. You can only get it online. It records the last 250K key strokes. Your H will most likely change his passwords especially when he's pressured to end the A. 6. Meantime, get some counseling for yourself and keep talking to friends, families for support. Don't succumb to taking anti-depressants. If you're not working, do some volunteer work to distract yourself from all this. This is NO time for you to worry about what other people/friends/families might think about exposing. Your H never gave YOU and your M any thoughts before he started cheating. Expect your H will continue to lie. My xWH swore on his mother's death bed (she was cancer stricken) that he wasn't seeing/talking to his OW. The bastard lied. His mother died a month later. This is the extent cheaters will go through to keep their A going. Most importantly, hang in there and take of yourserlf.
carhill Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Hi and welcome How many kids? How long married? How old are you?
Author monkeygrrl Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 Here's a few steps to consider to kill his A. 1. Expose the affair to both of your family 2. Demand a NC with the OW or else...you will have NC w/your H. Ask him to leave. DO NOT leave your marital residence. Make him leave. 3. Expose OW on Facebook. If you don't have an account create one with a picture of you and your H. Confirm your H as your friend. If you know his password, have him confirm you as friend so that the OW's pic is on your friend's list as well. Then expose to all of her/his friends. 4. Prepare for divorce= start making copies of legal documents, payroll statements, tax returns, assets, bank accounts, phone records, credit card statements(track his expenses. Ask for referrals on divorce attorneys. If you live in a "fault" state which frowns upon infidelity, you'll come on top. 5. If your H has a desk top computer, install a keylogger. You can only get it online. It records the last 250K key strokes. Your H will most likely change his passwords especially when he's pressured to end the A. 6. Meantime, get some counseling for yourself and keep talking to friends, families for support. Don't succumb to taking anti-depressants. If you're not working, do some volunteer work to distract yourself from all this. Most importantly, hang in there and take of yourserlf. Hi, thanks for the advice. She knows he's married. They are both on FB. My family knows. There are pix of us in both our profiles. He locked down his laptop months ago and changed all his passwords. He did this before I found out about the A, which why I suspected something was up. But he forgot to change his email pswd. He changed it that night. I've asked several times for him to end it and stop communicating, but he doesn't. I'm doing my best to take care of myself. I have to. Hi and welcome How many kids? How long married? How old are you? No kids, 5 years married, 35.
2sure Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 First, before anything else is addressed you have stop the affair in its tracks. You need to do this so that you create a window of opportunity to address whatever problems you may have in the marriage and to have a clear line of communication. Unless the A is stopped, you cannot go on to the next steps successfully. I have never seen an A here end with just a conversation/words. Your H basically sees the A itself as harmless because in his screwed up perception - no one is really getting hurt. You dont even come into it right now - its all about him. So - the consequences need to fall onto him, not you. He must become the victim of his own actions, not you. By talking about Divorce you gave him a heads up. But he hasnt really changed anything because nothing has happened. The consequences need to be Tangible.
NewSunrise Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 I mentioned divorce and suddenly he's sorry and he'll end it...but I know he hasn't. Still up late at night on the computer doing god knows what. BTW, don't mention or threaten D again unless you're prepared to serve him with the papers otherwise he won't take you seriously. He will continue to lie because he'll think you won't. Get your ducks in a row first especially item #4 on my suggestion. Your best defense is not to be on the defense. Be on the offense. Be two steps ahead of him.
Owl Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 For some fun reading, take a look at how your situation could have escalated by checking out what I went through five years ago: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ Your H is trying to convince himself that he's doing nothing wrong. Take a look on google and such for "emotional affairs". That's EXACTLY what he's been involved in, and it's every bit an affair...and just as deadly to your marriage. 2Sure has it right...you need to fight to get the affair ended...NOW. Get a book..."Surviving an Affair". Read it, and check out the "plans" on how to reconcile a marriage from infidelity. Check out the marriagebuilders website...check all the 'free material'...but if you opt to use the forum, I'd be VERY cautious (I'd recommend avoiding it, personally). You need to follow their "plan A". Which is three pronged. First, work on improving YOURSELF. Take care of yourself. Second, work on identifying and meeting your H's top emotional needs (check out the EN survey on the MB website for info). Last, fight to get NC (no contact) established between the OW and your H. You CAN recover your marriage from this, but it's tough. It's harder with the online emotional thing in some ways, because you're not fighting a REAL person...you're fighting your H's fantasy of what he envisions OW to be.
jmargel Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 What are you getting out of this marriage? Honestly you tried counseling and he quit that and is still lying to you. The foundation of your marriage has been destroyed. You found out about THIS woman. How many others does he have that you DON'T know about? I give you credit for really trying, sounds like you have a big heart. He's taken advantage of it for way too long. Start to do things for yourself, set short term goals in which the first one is to get him out of the house. He has faced NO consequences for his behavior. Sure you might yell at him, but in one ear and out the other. He will continue to hurt you if you tolerate it.
Author monkeygrrl Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 Thanks everyone. Since I control the bank accounts at home, then I see everything and have access to all accounts. However, he's from another country himself, so he has his personal accounts back home that I have no access to. I do have the receipts where he mailed stuff to her, and the things he bought her (books and cards). I have started getting divorce lawyer info. Unfortunately, I live in a no-fault state, so it means nothing in terms of who comes out on top or whatever. OWL, thanks for the references. I've been looking for a good book on this. I appreciate all the help. I really do. It's nice to get it out there and get advice from others who have been through it.
NewSunrise Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 You seem pretty level headed andd doing your homework. I have no doubt you will come on top in this in the end. Thank your lucky stars you don't have any children with him. Good luck.
Heroic Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Why haven't you taken a sledge hammer to his computer?
Lizzie60 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Hi and welcome on LS... I'm sure some LSers can give you great advices since a lot of them (I won't give names ) are in the exact same position.. right here on LS... There are quite a few actually..
Owl Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Darn Lizzie, you're gonna have me re-reading everyone's posts trying to figure who's doing what with who now...but I'm curious...how would you know? With the way PM's and such work, how would you "see" something like that?
OWoman Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Darn Lizzie, you're gonna have me re-reading everyone's posts trying to figure who's doing what with who now...but I'm curious...how would you know? With the way PM's and such work, how would you "see" something like that? It's me, Owl - I've got the hots for signedin2008. It would have been Reggie, but he's got a sense of humour so signedin pipped him at the post. Though judging by the mutual admiration on another thread, I think James may have a thing for Lizzie :p:p:p:p:p:p:p:p:p
Lizzie60 Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Darn Lizzie, you're gonna have me re-reading everyone's posts trying to figure who's doing what with who now...but I'm curious...how would you know? With the way PM's and such work, how would you "see" something like that? Hahaha.. no I will not give names or from where I got the information... But some LoSers fell in a trap.. it's too funny. And one female LoSer who was falling for this dude.. was told to 'back off' since he wasn,t interested.. talk about being bitter and jealous now.. lol
Lizzie60 Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 It's me, Owl - I've got the hots for signedin2008. It would have been Reggie, but he's got a sense of humour so signedin pipped him at the post. Though judging by the mutual admiration on another thread, I think James may have a thing for Lizzie :p:p:p:p:p:p:p:p:p Hahaha.. not at all.. Although James and I are good friends.. there is absolutely no emotional thing going on.. James IS a gentleman..
Lizzie60 Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Too funny! What is so funny? That James is a gentleman.. :laugh:
Owl Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Not at all...I'd agree, James IS a gentleman from all that I've read of his posts. But Owoman and Signedin...and all the rest...too funny indeed! :) I believe that it could be happening here...don't take me wrong. Just funny when you consider some of the "possibilities"!
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