sedgwick Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 okay, so i'm kind of angry at a friend of mine. here's why: she rampantly breaks hearts with no regard for the guys' feelings. when i met her, she had a boyfriend, and two weeks after telling me how much she loved him, and saying, "he's my guy," she dumped him. now, i didn't like this particular boyfriend very much, but that's not the point. the point is that she changes emotions about someone overnight. within the week after breaking up with boyfriend #1, she was with #2. relationship #1 lasted for two years, #2 for one year. a week after telling me she wanted to marry #2, she dumped him. granted, she had her reasons with both guys, namely that they basically moved into her apartment and started relying on her to pay for things. but i feel this is in large part her fault. you don't want them to live with you, you don't let them, simple as that. so two weeks ago she dumped guy #2, and he went off on a bender and disappeared for a week. didn't go home, didn't go to work, didn't contact anyone. all his friends were contacting her to see if she knew where he was. before he disappeared, he sent her an email telling her how much he loved her. guy #1 continues to do the same, telling her every time they talk that he wants to get back together. these guys are totally heartbroken over her. so what does she do? goes to a bar the day after dumping #2 and picks up #3. #3 is 23 years old, and my friend is 26. not a huge age gap, but come on, 23-year-old guys are still essentially children. we were supposed to have dinner the other night and sure enough i got a text saying #3 was coming to join us. so i go over to her place, and he's sprawled out on her couch rubbing her legs, and when she gives her dog a command he echoes it. this was three days after they met, and they had spent pretty much every waking moment together. when he left, i had a long talk with her about how what she was doing to these guys was not right, and expressed concern about the fact that already she was letting one she barely knew be at her house all the time. i said, "you have to learn how to live without a relationship," and she said, "oh, he's just a distraction, we're just dating." i said, "if you want to date him, date him, but GO ON ACTUAL DATES. get to know him. sitting around on your couch smoking weed is not a date. him being here all the time is not a date." i begged her not to sleep with him, not to break his heart. i could tell he was completely and totally enamored of her when i met him, and she denied that was the case. i tried to explain to her that meeting a close friend of someone you'd known for three days, and being all over her, sprawled on her couch and rubbing on her, was inappropriate behavior, and her reply was, "he was rubbing my legs? i didn't notice." so yesterday we were talking and she said something about "last night when taylor stayed over," and i said, "does this mean you slept with him?" and she said, "oh, of course i did." i was so mad at her i couldn't even respond. i just said i had to go and hung up. what i didn't expect was that i would then start sobbing hysterically, but i did. i cannot handle what she's doing. she's doing what joe did, changing her mind overnight and wrecking people's hearts, and i am tremendously angry about that. but at the same time, i have to admit, i'm jealous. i want to be attractive and charming like she is, and have guys falling all over me, but it's now been 21 months since joe left and i haven't even been flirted with, let alone had sex. guys simply do not notice me, or if they do, i assume they just dismiss me because of my weight (i'm not obese, but i'm not skinny.) i feel invisible, boring, dull. she, on the other hand, is pretty and funny and radiant and...well, all the things i'm not. i assume at this point that i've had sex for the last time, that i will never even kiss anybody again. i have never in my adult life been celibate for this amount of time, but i don't want anyone but joe. if i made out with someone else i think i'd vomit. good thing there's no chance of that happening. so yeah, i'm jealous. i would give anything in the world to be cute and smart and funny like she is, but i am none of those things. and so i sit here alone, knowing joe left because i was a) boring, b) untalented, c) fat, and d) not a musician. nothing i do, nothing i am, was good enough for him to even want to know me. all i can do is watch my friend break hearts and wish i had someone whose heart i could nurture and protect. but i will never have that, and it hurts like a sonofabitch. i don't know how to deal with it. i don't know what to do.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 I can understand the jealousy. In a way you are almost comparing Joe to the friend and thinking, this is the attitude he must have had and the way he viewed me. You assume, just like your friend, that Joe knew long in advance what was coming for you, just as you can see with #1, #2 and #3. Firstly, do not be envious of your friend. Easier said that done. And I often myself battle cases of friend envy. Your friend may enamour men but do they truly know her? Perhaps they become so enamoured because she is such a tease and essentially a fraud. I do not know how she has conducted herself in her former relationships but it seems she has always had a frivilous, playful approach to them. She sounds like a fantasist or one of those people who are in love with the honeymoon stage of a relationship, which may be why she always ducks out at the last minute. In the honeymoon stage a guy with you 24-7 is attractive, addictive and fun. After that, it's irritating, it's a committment, it's REAL. I think your friend is running away from serious committments and either uses them as she says for distractions or for her own ego, or does genuinely love them but can't bring herself to remain in it for the long haul. In which case, you should PITY her for being unable to do so. She may just be enjoying her youth but obviously it's at the expense of these broken-hearted men. Sadly that's what a lot of teenagers/young adults do. Their fun, their fulfillment, their exciting - IS breaking hearts. No i've never understood it either. But some people really do seem to sickly enjoy it. Your ex-boyfriend must really have hurt you but I can promise you that you aren't worthless. One persons validation of you, once taken away, does not alter you. Did you have high self-esteem before your boyfriend and he whittled away at it? Or did you have low self-esteem and he made it grow, before he took his love away? You need to try as much as you can to make your ex-boyfriends opinions of you null and void. I am pretty sure you aren't fat or boring and to be honest, even if you were, does that mean you don't deserve to be loved or cared for? Fat in who's eyes? Boring in who's eyes? So HE wanted you to be a musician. If he dumped you for something as silly as that then he couldn't accept the real you, and that's not because the real you isn't good enough. I've never heard anything as silly as someone breaking up with you because you aren't a musician. It sounds like a cheap way out if you ask me. You need to remember your worth isn't validated by any person but yourself. On a day to day basis you will meet people who like you, dislike you, hate you, love you or are indifferent to you. If you put your validation in their hands, your opinion of yourself will go up and down, up and down. What matters is, what is YOUR opinion of yourself? If you think you are fat or boring, why? Because of his rejection of you? Or did you feel this anyway? The good news is, even if you were fat or boring, you can easily sort those two things out; hit the gym and get some interests You are allowing this man to effect how you view yourself.
Thomas X Forever Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Firstly, you should exercise. Not just to reach your goal and get in shape, but also because it will help you very much so mentally. Since you're trying to lose weight, I'd recommend a lot of cardio workouts (running, walking, etc) and LOTS of reps with low weight. (For example, say your max at benchpressing is 100 lbs... well, you would do 45 lbs for about 30 reps. Then, after maybe 1 minute, do another 30). You will tone very fast and get into shape. Secondly, your friend is more or less psychotic. I could start naming possible disorders that she qualifies for, if it'd make you feel better. Research Histrionic Personality Disorder and ESPECIALLY Dependant Personality Disorder. Trust me when I say, be very grateful you are not your friend.
Author sedgwick Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 Thanks you guys. Your responses really help. I exercise every day, pretty much. I'm a bellydancer in a dance company, I do work-study at a yoga studio, and I recently started taking hip hop classes. My bike is my main form of transportation, and the other day I took it to the bike shop for new tires and a new chain and have been enjoying springtime riding. As for my self-esteem, I had been in therapy for a year and a half prior to meeting my ex and had done a lot of work on myself. I had just gotten into the company and was feeling very excited about that. But after being rejected by my ex on several occasions (such as New Year's Eve) because he would rather go play music, I started feeling really unimportant. He totally shattered my ability to trust. I haven't really left my apartment much since he dumped me; I basically only go out to go to classes/rehearsals. I am just too scared of bothering anyone else or wasting their time like I did his.
Thomas X Forever Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 You are walking down the line of a disorder yourself. Trust me, you need to make an appointment with a psychologist immediately. I can help you in the meantime. You have to take a step back and think about what you've just written. You're a recluse because you're afraid of wasting peoples time like you did his? Do you TRULY believe this? This is dangerous thinking. And quite honestly not healthy, mentally. The issues with your ex lay on his shoulders, not yours. He chose music over you not because of something you did or didn't do, or are or aren't, but rather because of something going on in HIS head, relating to HIM. It had nothing to do with you. A good guy wouldn't have done that to you.
Author sedgwick Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 Trust me, you need to make an appointment with a psychologist immediately. I've gone to therapy three times a week for the last 10 months.
Thomas X Forever Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 ...And you still think of yourself as being a waste of peoples time? What the hell is your psychologist telling you? Allow me to please meet him and slap him across the face with a large tuna fish.
Author sedgwick Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 ...And you still think of yourself as being a waste of peoples time? What the hell is your psychologist telling you? Allow me to please meet him and slap him across the face with a large tuna fish. She tells me all the stuff a DBT therapist is supposed to tell you. (Look up Dialectical Behavioral Therapy if you've never heard of it.) She's really good, but I can't get past the guilt I feel over the end of the relationship. I'm trying, it's just really hard. And yes, I think of myself as being a waste of people's time. I didn't feel that way before I met my ex, but I just couldn't compare to him. He's really smart and talented and funny and attractive. That's why I feel so much guilt -- he should have had a girlfriend who deserved him. One of the things that upset me so much yesterday, and I *know* this is really stupid, is that I found someone on Yahoo Answers asking "What is it about female musicians that makes them so sexy?" and there were all these answers about how, indeed, female musicians are the sexiest thing on earth. This led me to look up a similar question asking if guys thought bellydancers were sexy, and the answers were essentially, "Doesn't do anything for me," and "Only if they have tight bellies." I do not have a tight belly and as a result almost backed out of a performance last night. I didn't, of course; I do have some sense of responsibility.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 She tells me all the stuff a DBT therapist is supposed to tell you. (Look up Dialectical Behavioral Therapy if you've never heard of it.) She's really good, but I can't get past the guilt I feel over the end of the relationship. I'm trying, it's just really hard. And yes, I think of myself as being a waste of people's time. I didn't feel that way before I met my ex, but I just couldn't compare to him. He's really smart and talented and funny and attractive. That's why I feel so much guilt -- he should have had a girlfriend who deserved him. One of the things that upset me so much yesterday, and I *know* this is really stupid, is that I found someone on Yahoo Answers asking "What is it about female musicians that makes them so sexy?" and there were all these answers about how, indeed, female musicians are the sexiest thing on earth. This led me to look up a similar question asking if guys thought bellydancers were sexy, and the answers were essentially, "Doesn't do anything for me," and "Only if they have tight bellies." I do not have a tight belly and as a result almost backed out of a performance last night. I didn't, of course; I do have some sense of responsibility. Okay so the feeling you need to focus on here is guilt. Firstly, you feel he should have had a girlfriend who deserved him. Well if that is how you truly feel, that you weren't worthy and he deserved better, well then shouldn't you be happy? Because he isn't with you anymore is he? In your thinking, he can then find 'who he deserves'. The key is WHY do you feel you didn't deserve him? Why can't you see that he didn't deserve you? I'd love to dig into your history to see where these thoughts and feelings emerged. How did you essentially learn that you are not worthy? I would really advise you not to get into another relationship until you learn this, lest you repeat yourself.
blind_otter Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 No offense, but if you feel this way about yourself then that's why guys aren't attracted to you - when people feel that way they tend to radiate that negative vibe and other people can smell it...like a wolf pack that ostracizes the sickly wolf. No one wants to date someone who is going to be down on themselves all the time - that is emotionally exhausting.
Author sedgwick Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 No offense, but if you feel this way about yourself then that's why guys aren't attracted to you - when people feel that way they tend to radiate that negative vibe and other people can smell it...like a wolf pack that ostracizes the sickly wolf. No one wants to date someone who is going to be down on themselves all the time - that is emotionally exhausting. Y'know, people say that, but I've never been able to just instantaneously know by looking at someone how they feel inside. I've never "smelled" someone's feelings.
blind_otter Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Y'know, people say that, but I've never been able to just instantaneously know by looking at someone how they feel inside. I've never "smelled" someone's feelings. Well I have. I definitely have. Maybe I'm more sensitive than other people.... I venture to guess that you are often so wrapped up in your own emotional process that it's probably more difficult for you to have your radar out. No judgment, just an observation. You are extremely introspective, and you write, which is a recipe for navel gazing if there ever was one. I definitely noticed that while I was actively struggling with BPD, I seemed to repulse people on some deep level. After I went through successful treatment, I noticed that people were generally more attracted to me - men and women both, as friends, lovers, and sexual partners as well. When I have a flare up, I notice that people withdraw more. Just a pattern, maybe it's just me.
Thomas X Forever Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Sounds like Karma, otter. But otter is generally right. People can't at first glance notice, but as they get close to you, they will see somethings wrong if you don't believe in yourself. It's all about social science. The timing of your words, the intonation of them, the delay in them, and the words/sentence structures you choose will give you away. That's what otter was telling you about. You need to find a way to believe in yourself. Because even though you are initially attracting many people (which I'm sure you ARE), you will not be able to hang onto them, because no matter how good an actor you may or may not be, you will give yourself away through what I mentioned in the paragraph before this one. As for yahoo answers... you just saw, what, 5 people out've 6 billion? No matter WHAT you do to yourself, or don't do, people will STILL ALWAYS be attracted to you. 5 people out've 6 billion is something like .00000000005% of the world. You really going to let that percentage of people ruin your self confidence?
EmperorR Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Sedgwick stop putting yourself down you have alot going for you. Look your envying your friend at least you have a friend. Do I have anyone to call and say let's do dinner or go out nope. Have confidence in your self stop with throw self esteem, not all guys want some beauty runway model. Smile you have alot to be thankful for.
Author sedgwick Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 Have confidence in your self stop with throw self esteem, not all guys want some beauty runway model. What is throw self esteem?
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