I am so tired...

[RecordProducer]

I had a few pretty good weeks, but I ended up humiliating myself. I called him in the middle of the night, then I called his friend (wannabe GF, I think, ugly old lady), I called his first wife who slept in what used to be my bed for three years and told her not to approach my bed and husband anymore.

 

Yes, I so wanted to be a lady, but I am weak. My poor kids are watching me suffer. This is my second breakup (divorce) in their ten years. How much can kids take?

 

I am not the strong person that people on this forum think of me. The POS asked me to go to the Bahamas with him and I said yes, but then I changed my mind. I feel so weak and as such a bad mother for preventing my kids from having a wonderful vacation because I can't deal with my pain.

 

I know I don't want him back. In fact, he wants me back, but under HIS conditions (he is not stating it, but it's clear to me through some talks). I won't go back no matter what. I just need t get over him. To go through all the phases. It's so unfair that we have to suffer for a year or two after a breakup.

 

I am so tired. I want this pain to end. Please, God, you know I never pray for anything other than my children's health, but now I am making an exception: please make this pain end. I suffered in my first marriage, I suffered afterward for two years, I suffered in my second marriage for three years, I am suffering now... On the other hand, I am grateful that my kids are healthy and this is all just stupid love. It will go away. So, thank you, God. I am so very grateful. l:)

[sedgwick]

What is a POS? What did you say to your ex when you called him in the middle of the night? What did you say to his friend/girlfriend?

[Meaplus3]

RP, Lets look at the positives here. You have children that are healthy and you adore and love them. You made it through a divorce.. that's a tough struggle and takes so much courage and strength. And, after all this your still greatful as you mention in your post.. that's huge girl. You will find the love you need and deserve some how and some where. Sometimes things take time.. and we have to be patient. Most important here is that you are happy with yourself. Hang in there.

 

Mea:)

[marlena]

It will go away.

 

 

It will go away. Everything eventually does. But of course you know that. Only a matter of time before the howling winds subside. Draw close to your children. Keep them under your wing, give them strength and draw sustenance for them. Focus on being a good mother right now and rediscovering or rather reinventing yourself. A new, independent, calmer, stronger, wiser you who knows when to admit defeat.

 

If you stand a chance for a better life, it is not with him. This, too, you know. When something dies, it dies. No amount of wishful thinking will change the situation that you are in. If only, my dear heart, it were that easy!

 

Accept the reality of the situation and work on creating a new reality for yourself and your children.

 

Seriously, RP, sometimes our passions are our worst enemy.

[2sure]

RP - its good to pray for strength. I have not been faithful to my religion, have strayed. But God has never failed me when Ive prayed for strength.

[curiousnycgirl]

POS = piece of poop

 

RP -

 

You ARE strong every strong person has moments of weakness, but in the long run they are strong people.

 

Somehow I missed that you got divorced, I thought you two were trying to work it out. But to tell the truth I'm glad. This guy puts the fun (NOT) in disfunctional. Truth is you've known it all along - at least since the on again off again nuptials. Truth is you don't want him, you want what he represented and what he could have been.

 

Now you are free for when you finally do meet someone who can meet that potential.

 

For now focus on your boys and on yourself. Keep yourself busy and just keep moving forward.

 

We are here for you.

 

XXOO

CNYCG

[marlena]

Truth is you don't want him, you want what he represented and what he could have been.

 

So very true. Often the person we fall in love with is not the actual person but the person we thought he/she could be.

[RecordProducer]

Keep them under your wing, give them strength and draw sustenance for them. Focus on being a good mother right now and rediscovering or rather reinventing yourself. A new, independent, calmer, stronger, wiser you who knows when to admit defeat.

I know that what you're saying is true, but this is the part that hurts me most: I've been dragging my kids through the mud with me. I know that the first divorce was better for them (because we moved away) and the second husband is a good father, so they got it all. But why can't I be a calm, relaxed person? They witnessed fights, insults, and misery since they were born. I hate that I let men bring me to a state of insanity with their actions.

 

RP - its good to pray for strength. I have not been faithful to my religion, have strayed. But God has never failed me when Ive prayed for strength.

I don't believe in God. I just pray.

 

You ARE strong every strong person has moments of weakness, but in the long run they are strong people.

Maybe you're right. I feel ridiculous. I need to lose 20 lbs, I need to stop smoking, drinking, yelling, biting my nails... I just need to stop being myself because I suck.

 

I can't even define my feelings. I don't know how I feel. I don't miss him though nor do I want him back. I am just having a difficult time. And I can't find the strength to help myself. Because of the kids, I am forced to see his house every day (and most of the time him too). The house in which I used to live, the house he kicked me out of. I feel like I was trying to be calm and happy, but I was bottling everything up. I finally exploded.

 

I want to run, but I have no where to go. I have no money. I don't have any friends in the US, I don't have a job. Law school will start in August, but I will be older than most students and it will only add more stress in my life (especially the first year). So I am not really looking forward to it. Plus I will have 45 min by train from home to school every day.

[marlena]

They witnessed fights, insults, and misery since they were born. I hate that I let men bring me to a state of insanity with their actions.

 

 

This is why you have to get a grip on yourself, RP. You are responsible for these children's mental and emotional health, both in the short and long term. They did nothing to deserve this turmoil in their life.

 

Men, as you well know, come and go but your children are solid "fixtures" so to speak in your life, always will be, thank goodness for that. They did not ask to be born under these circumstances. It is your job to see them through these hurdles as painlessly as possible. You need to do some damage control.

 

You keep on saying that your husband was a good father to your children yet your argument is not very convincing. He may seem to go through the motions of being a good father but a truly good father will not inflict this type of psychological warfare on the mother, driving her to all types of extreme behaviour. A good father is one who always has the mother's emotional well-being in mind whether they be together or not.

 

Because of the kids, I am forced to see his house every day (and most of the time him too).

 

No, you are not. Plain and simple.

 

I don't have any friends in the US, I don't have a job. Law school will start in August, but I will be older than most students and it will only add more stress in my life (especially the first year).

 

Your priority then is to find a temporary job, whatever that may be.

 

Stress is a part of living. You need to deal with this reality. There is productive and destructive stress. Destructive stress is playing into your husbands games. Positive stress is finding a job, going back to school and steering the wheel of your life in the direction you want it to go.

 

Channel your guts and stubborness in a direction that will utimately pay off by giving you a sense of pride in yourself.

[RecordProducer]

Marlena, you're so wise. I know this is what I ought to do. It's just so hard at this moment and it hurts me to know that my kids must be suffering too.

 

Men, as you well know, come and go

Then, who needs them at all?

You need to do some damage control.

I will focus on this. I will play with the kids and do whatever they want to do with them. I'll try to be a happy mother, as i was until yesterday. You know, I had a terrible allergy until last night's anger outburst. He told me it was nervous because it was symetrical, but I couldn't find the reason. I would scratch myself for like 20 min before going toi sleep and it wouldn't even leave any scratches on my legs. There was nothing visible. This morning was the first time I had a rest from the itch. I knew the itch was some kind of a fight, but it's so weird that I was feeling happy while my whole being was fighting against myself.

 

I told him I woukld write him an email with everything I feel. He said he wanted me to listen, not to talk, so I told him he was welcome to write back. I asked him "Why do you care your first wife, but not me - about a mentally ill drug addict, trash that you picked up from the street...?" He said because I care about you. So he played the game of calling ME trash. I said "I called your ex-wife trash, I didn't call you or your parents trash. Why did you call ME trash? Don't you know it hurt me? Don't you know I have feelings?" A minute before that I told him that all he wanted to do was insult me and he did it again. He said I called him impotent (not today). Yes, I call a man who cannot make love to his new, young, attractive wife - impotent. If he isn't, then he is gay. He told me he was disgusted by my personality and that's why he couldn't have sex with me.

 

I am so angry. I don't care how much I humiliate myself. I will write him about all the things that make me angry. I want him to know. It will make ME feel better. I told him I loved him, but I didn't miss him because there was nothing to miss. We didn't have any intimacy, I didn't feel loved, I only fe;t angry and scared. I will write him because I want him to understand that it's over. That I am not forgiving him.

 

He probably thought I would be straightened out according to his formula of a good wife if he kicks me out of his house. Then he wanted to spend all the time with me. It's bad that now he enjoys my misery, but it's also good that he knows I am always honest about expressing my feelings. So when I feel good, he knows I am really feeling good, not faking it (even when I am faking it a little bit). I just want to let him know that he was a horrible husband and I wnat to list the things that he did wrong. I know it leads nowhere, but what can you do to get over someone? It's all emotional anyway.

 

He will end up alone, just like his kother. Nobody loves him anymore, except the kids and his parents. Even his brothers ditched him (wasn't his fault though). I was the only one who loved him and he ditched me. He is yet to regret losing a wife like me, but hey, it works for me. I just need time to heal.

 

You keep on saying that your husband was a good father to your children yet your argument is not very convincing. He may seem to go through the motions of being a good father but a truly good father will not inflict this type of psychological warfare on the mother, driving her to all types of extreme behaviour. A good father is one who always has the mother's emotional well-being in mind whether they be together or not.

I absolutely agree with you, but you could say the same about me. He is screwed up in the hgead and can't control his actions to spare the kids. But why am I doing the same? Why can't I be like other people and just NOT react to everytthing he does? I mean, I try not to, but at the end, I explode. Isn't a good mother supposed to be always a good example?

 

 

 

No, you are not. Plain and simple.

 

Your priority then is to find a temporary job, whatever that may be.

With the recession and soon-starting school and the need to be there for the kids, I don't feel it's necessary for me to get a job for only three months. I think I need to finish my songs and try to promote/sell my CD. That's always been my dream and now is the time to fulfil it, at least to finish the songs and give it a try. But instead, I am wasting time focusing on my failed marriage. I so want this to go away.

 

Channel your guts and stubborness in a direction that will utimately pay off by giving you a sense of pride in yourself.

I know, but this is so difficult. I will give myself a day or two to pick myself up and then I will start working on everything that needs to be done (quitting smoking/drinking, dieting, working on my songs). I just need to get through the day for now.

 

Thank you for listening and being there for me. When will this be over?

[marlena]

I know, but this is so difficult. I will give myself a day or two to pick myself up and then I will start working on everything that needs to be done (quitting smoking/drinking, dieting, working on my songs). I just need to get through the day for now.

 

I undestand RP. Take however long is needed and do not guilt yourself for it. Picking up the pieces and getting back on your feet is a long and difficult process. Don't berate yourself for this. Now is the time to be as forgiving and understanding to yourself as possible. ..give yourself all the time you need while keeping in mind that you do have to recover and get to a stronger and better place.

 

You'll get through this..eventually ..in your own good time. ..this I promise you.

[sunshinegirl]

So very true. Often the person we fall in love with is not the actual person but the person we thought he/she could be.

 

Quoted for truth!

[RecordProducer]

I undestand RP. Take however long is needed and do not guilt yourself for it. Picking up the pieces and getting back on your feet is a long and difficult process. Don't berate yourself for this. Now is the time to be as forgiving and understanding to yourself as possible. ..give yourself all the time you need while keeping in mind that you do have to recover and get to a stronger and better place.

 

You'll get through this..eventually ..in your own good time. ..this I promise you.

Marlena, your words made me cry. I don't know how much it will take to pick myself up.

 

Do you think he wlil regret losing me? I think he already does since he wanted to spend all his time with me, sleep with me in his bed, and go on a vacation with me, but he thinks that by hurting me even more, I'd come back.

[RecordProducer]

RP, Lets look at the positives here. You have children that are healthy and you adore and love them. You made it through a divorce.. that's a tough struggle and takes so much courage and strength. And, after all this your still greatful as you mention in your post.. that's huge girl. You will find the love you need and deserve some how and some where. Sometimes things take time.. and we have to be patient. Most important here is that you are happy with yourself. Hang in there.

 

Mea:)

Mea, thank you for your support. I know you're right.

Thank you, everyone.

 

He is talking to his first wife ten times a day. It wasn't like this before. I can't stand it. She is mentally ill and a drug addict. She was arrested for drugs more than once. I called her last night and told her to stay away from my husband.She called him immediately (or he called her, I don't recall) and he told her "Honey, I will talk to you later." She came to his house, slept in (what used to be for 3 years) my bed - TWICE. He says they didn't have sex and I believe him, but what business does she have to sleep in my bed?! He says she passed out and slept all day and night (the kids confirmed that) - which means she was severely stoned. She's been perusading my husband to have a child with her. No matter how crazy she is (and trust me she is very disturbed), she knows he has a wife.

 

And the other friend that I called, I told her that she as interfering and he was MY husband. She is ugly and older than he (I am 18 years younger than him), and she is married. She is sending him emails (he never sends her anything), she gave him a X-mass present (I assume her message to me was that she's doing my husband, which of course I didn't buy, because she is ugly and I know him). She invited him to "listen to his hedonistic side" and go to NYC with her. He spends every Wednesday evening with her and other friends. He never invited me to go dancing with them.

 

Until I slept with another man. Oh, then I was suddenly invited! I read messages from hs dancing friends. I didnt exist for them. He told them we were separated. But when I slept with someone else, he was angry that I "cheated." More than a year before that, he told me we were done and separated. He went for our second anniversary to his mother's house to sleep there - to make it a point there we were done, that's what he said. He did it for no other reason but to hurt me. I was crushed, I had no idea where he was. Finally, I called him on his cell and he said he was at his mother's and that I was silly for suspecting him. This was 1.5 years ago.

 

The bastard is telling me I didn't know how good I had it. I think he should marry a woman who is 18 years older than him (she'd be 70), he should sit at home all day and only go out to buy groceries or if she invited him to go somewhere. Her family would have to abuse him. She would have to be wealthier than him and tell him every day that he owes her and should be grateful to her for everything. She should tell him every day that she wants him out of his life and that she is too disgusted to make love to him. I can't even imagine wishing him this. I wonder how he'd feel in my shoes.

[sultry33]

[quote name=curiousnycgirl:

 

Truth is you don't want him, you want what he represented and what he could have been.

 

 

 

XXOO

CNYCG

 

So very true. Often the person we fall in love with is not the actual person but the person we thought he/she could be.

MARLENA (/quote)

 

This to me is the reasons i clung to hope for my ex..

once that feeling has gone it gets so much better

x

[RecordProducer]

Thank you everyone for your replies and support.

This to me is the reasons i clung to hope for my ex..

once that feeling has gone it gets so much better

x

Oh, I am over that feeling that he will ever change. And I am definitely over the feeling that he is good for me. I made myself go through the records in my mind. I remembered all the bad things and reminded myself that these very things made me so miserable for three years and I never wanted a relationship like that back. I am much better off without him. But this strategy of reviewing the past left me so angry. On the other hand, there's no alternative. If I forgive him and remain nice and close to him, I will be a subject to more pain. I had to get angry in order to minimalize contact with him and relinquish any hope. My decision was to forget the future, but rather look at the past and present - because this is the reality. Hoping that something will change in the future is insane.

 

Sometimes we focus on the good moments and think that they can come back. But we forget that things have escalated to the point of breakup because this was the natural course of the relationship. People break up either because the relationship was miserable for both (or for them at least) or because they don't love us (anymore). In either case, we have no business wanting them back.

[michelangelo]

I know you will make it to the other side just fine.

 

Your sensitivity is welling up now that you know fully the extent of the crap you endured. The hard shell is coming off so it hurts.

 

A lady as fine and smart as you? You will make it and be loved for who you are. Your kids will survive in the light you shine for them.

 

Keep singing!!!!

[quankanne]

RP, you're much stronger than you realize – you've put up with his psychological abuse for so long and are still standing, and that to me is strength.

 

Why can't I be like other people and just NOT react to everything he does?

 

because you invested heart and soul in this relationship, and now you're hurting. You're not doing anything that any of the rest of us wouldn't do in your shoes. It'll pass, because crap doesn't last for ever. In the meantime, just look at this as a kind of transition you must go through to get to where you're meant to be: Successful, independent, and without a 170-pound turd attached to you

 

you're gonna be just fine, kiddo, and your boys are going to see your strength far more than they'll see your weaknesses is you're classy about how you deal with things. Encourage them to continue loving their dad ... at some point they'll figure out what kind of man he is, and why you had such a hard time going through the separation/divorce.

 

hugs,

quank

[RecordProducer]

Thank you, Michelangelo and Quankanne. Your posts were really encouraging and upbeat.

[Lishy]

RP ... Your husband is not worthy of your upset and tears! He is a narcississtic (sp) bully mental abuser and you deserve (and will get) so much more!

 

A man who picks a wife old enough to be his daughter is a bit whack to start with!

 

Will he ever regret losing you you ask? Of course he will honey, but by then you will have moved so far on that you will not care!

 

The only mistake I think you make is allowing him to remain in your kids lives and for them to think of him as dad, he is not dad and he never will be! You will regret that one day! He disrespects you and puts you down, he emotionally abuses you and makes you feel like dirt, I would not want him as my kids dad no matter how much money he has!

 

You will be fine RP, of this I promise! Time will heal and one day you will be ok

 

x