Kaii Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 My bf had a rough childhood, broken family, father was an alcoholic, physical abuse, etc. Some of the stories he tells me, I just want to cry for him as a boy. He tells me that there are parts of his childhood that he cannot remember at all, which worries me. He doesn't seem worried about it, but don't you think that is something to be concerned about? So, fast forward 25 years... We live together and have been in a relationship for a year. When we are discussing our "issues", he tends to clam up. Whenever we discuss our "feelings" he is like a robot. He says he knows how he feels, he just doesn't know how or why feels that way. He says he feels disconnected from his feelings a lot of the time. Sometimes it feels as if he doesn't have any feelings at all. He has a very flat affect a lot of the time. He says that all men are like that...but is that really true? BUT, then their is the flip side of him.... Even though he is generally the dominant one in our relationship, a lot of times he reminds me of a little boy. He likes to lay on the couch or on the bed with me while I'm watching tv and he'll nuzzle himself into my breasts and fall asleep while I rub his hair. He seems very fragile then, like he is stressed and needs me to comfort him. Sometimes it feels like I'm his Mom. He is also sometimes extremely sensitive about nothing or things I've said to him and he'll retreat off like a wounded animal. Do you think he is okay, or do you think maybe there is something wrong relating to his childhood and maybe he needs counselling? I've mentioned counselling before and he said no and that the therapist would "have him in the fetal position, making him talk about things that he doesn't want to talk about". Any advice..and what do you think this all means for us as a couple?
voldigicam Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 He's not OK. It takes a long time. I'm trying to remember the role-playing therapy stuff. What that's called. Anyway, group reenactments of key events. Very effective with this stuff. Experiential therapy? Lots of fun. I still don't remember big pieces, but I'm OK with it, and have settled most of the underlying interior dynamics. The key to understanding seems to come suddenly. It may take motivation to understand a bit and really start the journey hard. I started looking hard when I pegged a post traumatic stress index test. Exceeded many combat veterans. On further study and talking with some folks, I understand a profound dissociative aspect to my being. Tendency towards compartmentalization. Since the realization years ago, the situation has pretty much disappeared. I suspect beings are self healing when what needs to be healed is seen and embraced.
Jersey Shortie Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Pretty intense stuff Kaii. Kudos to you for picking up on key things. He absolutely needs to talk to a professional. I think you need to listen to your head and intution in this case. You know what's not right and moving in together, or eventually getting married, won't make those problems evaporate if your relationship progresses. They will probably actually enhance them. No, I don't think most men are emotionally flat at all. I do think men are better at burying their feelings. Big difference though. I don't think it sounds like he is emotionally flat if he becomes sensitive and slinks off. Or is it that he is only emotionally flat when it is issues with your relationship and your own feelings? Does he use his childhood as a justification for not resolving issues? It's one thing to have an atrocious childhood, and I feel for him for that. But to hide behind it as an adult is self destructive and selfish. He needs to be willing to get the help he needs and no amount of loving or comfort you give him, is going to make it better. I think it is going to make for a very bumpy road for you two unless he wants to work on himself. Perhaps a first step is finding a group of other men that meet and discuss issues...or a group of people that had to deal with alcoholic loved ones, again, probably best if it's a man's group. I would ask a local church for info. You don't have to be religious to seek out that info from them. Ideally a theripst would be great but if he talks to a group of other men struggling, it might be easier to deal with.
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