a fallen leaf Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Hello all! There's my little problem: I went home (another country) for 2,5 weeks 4 days ago - he texts me only a goodnight text, doesn't text throughout the day nor calls. Is that ok? Should I just let it go and maybe chat with him about it when I'm back? I feel there's no communication. He's got his finals soon, so I think he's busy - but i feel i'm not getting enough attention. Also, in half a year, we're gonna start a long-distance relationship and i'm scared that's how often he'll talk to me and we'll lose it all. It's been great so far and would be a shame. What do you guys think? I was thinking i should maybe write him an email or sth first but that's hard for me - i always thought a man should take the initiative and the woman should be resposive to it. Eh.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Uh...and what are YOU doing to keep the contact up? If he's busy with finals, his mind may be occupied. I don't know many man (oh, wait - NO men) that are mind-readers. If you want more contact, how about you either talk to him about it, or initiate it. I'm pretty old-fashioned when it comes to the whole "who pursues who," but when you've been together for a bit, I think it's only fair to make equal contact. I don't understand expecting a ton of contact when you don't want to make any on your own. Also - how old are the both of you and how long have you been together? These can be contributing factors.
Author a fallen leaf Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 Ah, you may be right. So you reckon that'd be ok if i simply write him an email? I'm 21, he's 25, and we've been together for 11 months.
Island Girl Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Hello all! There's my little problem: I went home (another country) for 2,5 weeks 4 days ago - he texts me only a goodnight text, doesn't text throughout the day nor calls. Is that ok? Should I just let it go and maybe chat with him about it when I'm back? I feel there's no communication. He's got his finals soon, so I think he's busy - but i feel i'm not getting enough attention. It is a short vacation. And it IS a vacation. A visit. And he is doing the things he normally would while he may think you are busy and not know what your schedule is like. He is studying for his finals, going about his normal day to day life, and probably looking for you to contact him too. In his mind you may be having a ball and not even thinking about him. This is all about communication. If you are feeling neglected then tell him. But this is your chance to get really good at saying exactly what you feel and being vulnerable and open about it. If you don't then when you do go LDR you will have problems. These relationships work out a lot better if there is open and honest communication. Also, in half a year, we're gonna start a long-distance relationship and i'm scared that's how often he'll talk to me and we'll lose it all. It's been great so far and would be a shame. What do you guys think? I was thinking i should maybe write him an email or sth first but that's hard for me - i always thought a man should take the initiative and the woman should be resposive to it. Eh. Once you are a couple there is no initiative or courting gestures. Toss that out the window. A mature relationship develops with both people reaching out to each other. If you feel you want to tell him you miss him or let him know you are thinking about him then write him. Don't be guarded or think "what is he going to think when he reads this?" or change words around, etc. Write to him as if you are talking with him.
Bearandsue Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 What I found is with an LDR the rules of the game change. No more hang ups on who calls who. If you feel like talking to him. Call, text or email. Saves a lot of stressing and worrying. Make sure you decide on the amount of time you think is appropriate during the time you are in an LDR. Bring it up in a convo. He cant read your mind. ( I learned that the hard way:laugh:) Good luck
Author a fallen leaf Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 I sent him a long text message 7 hours ago and still no reply... Do you seriously think that studying hard for exams can take man's mind so far away? Don't want him to think that I distract him and myself from our revision. Especially that till now, he was always the one who would call first. Getting worried ;(
LonelyTiger Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 If you're worried, I would just call him. Maybe he never got the text - it does happen - especially when it's international texting. You've been together long enough that maintaining your relationship should be a two way thing - it shouldn't matter who contacts who first. Call and let him know how you feel. You're obviously missing him and want to talk to him. He may be different from you. He may not need the same contact, but he's not going to know that you need more from him while you're apart unless you tell him. Unless you have some reason to believe something's amiss I wouldn't worry too much. Frequency of contact is definitely something you need to get sorted before you go LDR because it could be a relationship breaker.
Author a fallen leaf Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 Thanks so much. He replied to the message I sent eventually, telling me he loves me, but I know he could be more affectionate. I think I'll wait to be back to have a chat about the fact that we may have different communication needs and how we're gonna deal with it when a proper LDR starts. Maybe I should say we should choose days when he calls and when I do. I don't want to call him now while I know he is either at work or having a study session. Also, so far it's been like this: He's usually done the calling. The thing is, we both read a book, which advised that man should do the calling in the relationship (the thing is, this is a Christian relationship, effectively a courtship). And we both said we thought this was a good idea. I like to call him from time to time, but he is usually the one who does it. So he knows i wouldn't be inclined to call him first. And I didn't think this was such a big issue. Or am I really from the stone age?
LonelyTiger Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 A good chat about your communication needs is an absolute necessity - it will make things so much easier when you go LDR. If he isn't naturally affectionate anyway, just remember you can't change somebody's personality. If he loves you he'll need to show you in his own way. You can encourage him to give you more of what you want - but you can't change him. Loving someone is about accepting everything that they are - I've been married for nearly 10yrs and I'm only just starting to realise what that means. Not being religious, I don't really understand what 'a Christian relationship' means, although I'm guessing you're still at the 'dating' stage and haven't yet become initimate? Personally, I've never met anyone who has done things this way but if your beliefs tell you it's right then that's how you should do it. I agree that in the beginning of a relationship the man should be the one to do the 'running'. I think it's the way nature intended it, but once the relationship is established I have to agree with Island Girl - 'A mature relationship develops with both people reaching out to each other'. You really need to go with what your instincts tell you. There are millions of books out there giving relationship advice and they all say something different. What works for you is what's important. If you want or need to speak to your friends or family, don't you just pick up the phone? Isn't he another one of your friends? Hopefully your best friend. So what's wrong with letting him know you'd like to talk? Once you go LDR, if you're always the one waiting for him to call, you could be in for a very rough ride.
Els Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 I've read the Christian dating websites/books. You're right -- in their eyes the relationship is a 'courtship' one because according to them, you're not SUPPOSED to have any form of physical intimacy (including kissing, cuddling, etc) or even emotional intimacy before marriage -- you do not share everything with your partner or depend emotionally on him/her, according to them that sort of intimacy is reserved for only married couples. So to them relationship outside marriage is the equivalent of what most of us would consider the early stages of dating. Their advice for who calls who is based on that assumption. If you intend to go further with the emotional intimacy than they expect you to, then their advice on who calls who is no longer relevant. It's fine either way but you're going to be in for a hellish ride if you try to mix the two. You should only follow their advice on who calls who if you're certain that your emotional intimacy is nowhere further along than a Christian guideline would expect it to be. As in, you don't expect to need to share your life with him (until you marry) or talk with him every day (until you marry).
LonelyTiger Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 That's really enlightening Elswyth - I didn't know any of that. Quite a tough way to start a relationship I would have thought, but each to their own. If that's the way things are for you fallen leaf then you sure have some difficult decisions to make. I wish you the best of luck.
Author a fallen leaf Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 It's not as drastic as Elswyth wrote - we cuddle and kiss - but it's a little bit more restrained than in a 'normal' relationship. And on the contrary, we really do share the non-physical. I think it's a great way to get to know the other person without having it blurred by the sexual parts of your attraction. And it helps you develop genuine love for that other person. It is a sacrifice, but i believe it's worth to leave all the physical aspects for the marriage. But guys, i think you're right in saying i should honestly tell him what i feel. He really has been my friend. So far, whenever i shared my feelings with him, it gave me a sense that i was closer to him than ever before, and it was lovely to see that he really made everything to change what had made me upset. So...I just gathered all my courage and wrote him an email asking if we could change the way in which we communicate and write emails instead of sms, because he sounded rough in his texts and thinking abt what he really meant affects my well-being and above all, my studying. Still a bit insecure about what he's gonna think about it and what he'll reply. But at peace with it, at last.
LonelyTiger Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 It sounds as though you are finding your way with this one fallen leaf. If he's half the guy you obviously think he is, and if he cares for you as much as you do for him, then he'll be careful about what he writes in return, because he'll understand that it matters to you and he won't want you to be upset. Things will work out if they're meant to. Hope the studying goes well too.
Els Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 It's not as drastic as Elswyth wrote - we cuddle and kiss - but it's a little bit more restrained than in a 'normal' relationship. And on the contrary, we really do share the non-physical. I think it's a great way to get to know the other person without having it blurred by the sexual parts of your attraction. And it helps you develop genuine love for that other person. It is a sacrifice, but i believe it's worth to leave all the physical aspects for the marriage. And I think that's great, really. Especially if it's working for you two, that's what matters. But I'm still betting the authors of Christian dating guides really do assume that 'the ideal Christian couple' is not as emotionally close as the two of you are, when they wrote the advice on calling. That's why their advice on calling is such. Since it's not applicable to you, I wouldn't follow it if I were you, it makes for great confusion and messiness. I think it's a good idea to talk with him about different communication needs -- but I'm not so sure about scheduling 'who calls who'. Scheduling the TIMES might be good to ensure that both of your needs are met, but IMO who calls who shouldn't matter that much. In fact, if you're the one who has a greater need for communication, you should expect yourself to be the one calling at least half the time, if not more. Good luck with the studying!
Spirit of the Ocean Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Your boyfriend sounds a lot like mine! the first time he went away for a week with his friends all I heard from him was a random text here and there, no calls at all. I got more and more upset until I finally called him up and told him upset this was making me and I felt that he should make more of an effort to call and/or keep in touch, after which he did make more of an effort. My point is you've been together for almost a year so I think it's ok for YOU to make the first move and let him know how you feel. If something's upsetting you, it's only being fair on yourself to try and sort it out. Yes he might be busy and stressed out if he finals coming up, but with long distance relationships especially the occasional 'Hi, how are u' goes a long way, regardless of who it comes from. I wouldnt worry about it too much as it's just a short break, but if it bothers you, it's probably best to talk to him about it, especially as you dont want to be thinking 'what if' before you start a LDR. Good luck!
Author a fallen leaf Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 This is all very helpful, thank you all! Lol, I'm glad, it's not only my boyfriend who does that! I think this is so: I miss him straight away after I leave, and then it gets better as I get used to the distance. With him, quite the opposite: he's ok when I leave and then starts missing me more and more - he called me 2 days ago and texted me he wants to chat again today Seems that I made a mountain out of a molehill. But yes - communication is the key!
Recommended Posts