Unsure Marie Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 I feel like I have no where to turn and no one to talk to. My fiancee's step daughter is coming in between us. I've known my fiance for about 12 years. He is an abosulely wonderful man and wonderful father. He and his ex wife have a child together and she has a daughter from a previous relationship. His daughter and I get along great. We have a lot of fun together and I love her like she is my own. His step daughter is another story. She has been the main topic of our fights the last few months. His step daughter does not like me at all, unless I am buying her something or doing something for her. I do not give into that kind of behavior, I get the kids treats sometimes but do not spoil them. She constantly makes cutting comments to me and is very disrespectful. I'm so tired of it and I don't think I can take it anymore. I love my fiance more than anything but I don't think I can make it work with his step daughter in the picture. When she comes over to visit it is very apparent she does not want to be there. I believe her mother makes her come so my fiancee keeps supporting her. He is not court ordered to give any support but does so on his own. His ex wife is now living with a guy and I believe his step daughter is getting pushed off on this guy so he supports her. I feel like my fiancee is getting used and always has since he was married to her. I feel like if she doesn't want to come she shouldn't be made too. And I don't want my fiancee to support her anymore. He has an obligation to his biological daughter but there is no obligation to his step daughter. I want to start a family with him someday, I love his daughter, I just can't deal with his step daughter. I have talked with him about it and he said he is going to support her and let her come over until she decides not to or someone else supports her (or if the new guy adopts her). I think he is a great man for doing so. But, I think that I need to end the relationship because I just can not support this decision. She doesn't want to be there and I don't want to financially support her anymore. I don't want to start a family and have them watch her walk in and out of our lives treating everyone like crap and taking whatever money she can get. I don't know what to do. I have a broken heart and I feel like a really bad person. I just can't handle it anymore.
Art_Critic Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Actually he does have an obligation to his step daughter.. thru his heart... You just said that you love his daughter as your own.. well.... he loves her as his own and he steps up to the plate.. WHAT A MAN...that is a good guy you have there I think you need to look more at your motives and less at whether or not he should support his step daughter.. I will say this though.. at least you are doing the required introspection necessary for your relationship with him.. Maybe going to a counselor that is skilled in step familes will help you understand how torn he feels.. pleast don't ask him to choose you or his (step) daughter.. Good luck to you both.. open communication is possibly the best way to go forward from here on out.. it might be time to lay it all on the table for both to see..
Lucky_One Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Marie, I would caution you about rushing into this marriage. You have only been dating this guy about 6 months or so, and are already engaged, and are already having HUGE issues about his daughters. You may need to see a couples counselor or a family counselor before you go getting married. If you can love his daughter like your own, then it stands to reason that he can love his step-daughter like his own. Is there any reason that his step-daughter might believe that you had something to do with her parents breaking up? That can cause a lot of issues in a new relationship.
Athena Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Being a step-mom myself, back 23 years when I doubt much was written on step-parenting and all, I had to learn hands on. My step-daughter was 4 years old when I first met her thru my then Fiance (now H).. she was a sweet little girl.. however, her mother had remarried in a hurry -- 2 mths after divorcing my H, and that, I believe, is what hurt SD so much... she to this day can clearly remember (now at age 27) how much she DID NOT like her new step-dad, and how at the wedding, she was pulling her mom's hands away from new-step-dad's hands as they were holding the cake knife, about to cut the wedding cake.... Yeah, well, little SD at the time was okay with me initially, but when H and I got married, I believe SD overheard 'talk' about me from her mom, since her mom was kinda mad/jealous that her XH was remarried within a year, and wasn't pining away for her (she actually asked him why he had gotten married so fast, and DH didn't think to shoot back at HER that she should be the one to talk -- she got remarried within 2 mths, not within 1 year like us) Anyway, SD of course was a little child and pouted, was spiteful at times, and misbehaved... you as the adult just have to be the adult and still lovingly discipline and be fair. They do eventually grow up, you know... and they will KNOW what you did to them... so if I were you, I would NOT try to make this little girl feel unwanted, nor try to cut out her R with her step-dad... I presume her real dad is out of the picture... it doesn't matter if some of your precious money goes to her upkeep -- but I am sure it isn't YOUR money, but your F's which HE earns anyway, Seriously, you need to be the mature one here and give her some love. I KNOW its hard...been there done that... my SD today loves me so much, and calls me "Mom"!!!! It's worth it.
Athena Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Marie, I would caution you about rushing into this marriage. You have only been dating this guy about 6 months or so, ? Her post says she's known her Fiance for 12 years... so obviously could have been dating him less, but even if only 6 months, if they have known each other for a dozen years... that's a pretty long time... OP -- how old are the daughters?
Trialbyfire Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 I don't honestly know your relationship dynamics with this child but I can't help feeling bad for her. For certain, she's up to three fathers now. It's possible there were more. Imagine how she must feel. I'm guessing that she's under 17?
Trialbyfire Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 ? Her post says she's known her Fiance for 12 years... so obviously could have been dating him less, but even if only 6 months, if they have known each other for a dozen years... that's a pretty long time... OP -- how old are the daughters? If you go back on her past threads, she just broke up from an LDR in the first two weeks of the past September so this new relationship is less than six months old.
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