mercedes8 Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 I definitely need help. i am in my forties, married for the first time. I have been through a lot in previous relationships and have trust issues. My husband knows this. I found out that he and a client from work formed a friendship and have been texting/emailing/calling each other many times every day. I had a feeling something wasnt right because he would quickly switch screens on the computer when I would come in the room the client is 20 years younger. She has sent him many pictures of herself, nothing explicit. they call each other hon and sweetie. My husband has told her in a couple of emails that he was missing her. My husband swears on his dead father's grave that even though their exchange was not appropriate, they never had a physical relationship and that nothing went past friendship. I moved 700 miles to be with this man. I love him. I feel very betrayed and I now cant trust him. When I express how I feel, he gets angry telling me that I am going overboard. I don't feel like he is working with me to get through this. I am also suffering from a bout of depression so this situation isn't helping. I don't want a relationship like this. We already don't spend enough time together because he works 2 jobs and has to care for his child with special needs. I have been nothing but supportive. I am now obcessing about what else he may be doing when he is not with me. Your comments are greatly appreciated.
LakesideDream Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Mercedes, Some 20 years into my 25 year (failed) marriage, when I was about 46 or so I became a friend and mentor to a cute 23 year old single gal. She was just starting out in a profession that I had been successful in previously. Our friendship included a regular lunch, most Wednesdays. I lived in a very small town, her and I would go to or meet for lunch at local eateries. She often picked up the check when she had room in her expense account (I was a client). A few times during the summer my 12 year old son joined us. We hid absolutely nothing. Duh, there was nothing to hide. A couple of times over the two year friendship we ran into my wife having lunch with her friends and joined them. On Christmas at our Christmas open house (family tradition) she came to my home for snacks. I gifted her a leather brief.. she reciprocated with a family pass to an amusement park. We were pals, there was no "emotional affair" there was no hanky panky, we were friends. Hell, I was a year older than her father! While it wasn't a "father/daughter" relationship, there was a component of that in our friendship. She often asked for personal advice, which I was happy to give my friend. Why the story? After my divorce my then ex casually mentioned that I must have thought she was stupid and that she had known all along that I had an affair with the girl. We were in a restruant at the time and I had Diet Pepsi coming out my nose when she said it. Sometimes friends are friends. Oh... and I called her "kiddo" or "sweetie". The friendship came to an end when she moved to a much larger market for her talent. Success has its drawbacks! (kidding).
Mr. Lucky Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 A couple of times over the two year friendship we ran into my wife having lunch with her friends and joined them. One difference that jumps out is the "out in the open" nature of your friendship vs. the clandestine nature of the OP's H communication and contact with the girl. His furtiveness alone should be reason for concern as he seems well on his way to at least an EA if not more... Mr. Lucky
Author mercedes8 Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 Thank you Lakeside for your reply. I believe that your friendship was totallly platonic. My husband has other female friends and I had no reason to be uncomfortable. He was open with me about them and introduced me to them. In the current situation, he never mentioned her other than a situation he was helping her with at work. I had no idea there was a friendship. When i noticed him acting sneaky, I finally checked his emails. His response? He changed his password. I asked tonight if he would show me his texts so that I would have some proof that this situation was ended. He told me that I was not about to scrutinze his life. He only showed me the blackberry after I had left the room for some time and came back. Even then, he just quickly scrolled through the texts, so fast and so far from my face I really saw nothing. I really don't think this is the same situation
Author mercedes8 Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 Mr. Lucky, you hit it right on the head. He was not open about this "friendship" for some reason. His actions even today tell me he has something to hide.
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 He IS having an inappropriate friendship with another woman, don't let him fool you otherwise. Married folks don't go calling other so called opposite sex friends hon and sweetie and say I miss you..They, at best, are having an emotional affair. For now.. You have every right to be upset and if he has nothing to hide, then he shouldn't be changing his screen so you can't see what's going on. IF it's so innocent, invite her to dinner and tell him, "if she's your friend, then I should meet her and get to know her too." see how he reacts.. Now you need to decide what you want to do next.
LakesideDream Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Sounds like the other folks here are giving good advice. If you husband is being secretive that's a big problem. My previous post was a "possibilities" post. Not everyone is unable to control their life and emotions. It's nice that you "believe" me. Honestly I don't think anyone I knew ever doubted it, except my now ex, and seriously I doubt she actually believed I was having an affair with a 23 year old hottie. That's pretty far fetched. I would bet you my ex's "girlfriends" had a field day with gossip. I had a few male friends who gave me the "hubba-hubba" .. I set them straight very forcefully. I was a guy who not only was in love with my wife, I appreciated and admired her.
ForumFool Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 I am sorry for your pain and the deperession...I think something is up because if he was just friends he would not be so defensive and also would not change screens when you come in the room..In the time he spends online with her he could be with his disabled child...he may not have had sex with her YET but it seems he is emotionally flattered by her and it would be oh so easy to cross that line. HUGS
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