Nikki Sahagin Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I think I get this from my mother (completely selfless angel borderlining on a doormat) but in relationships, I am a complete giver. I would sacrifice anything; my time, my hobbies, my interests, a nights sleep, money etc, all to make my loved one feel like the greatest thing on earth. Now I think i'm pretty good at telling when i'm being taken for granted but do you think it's possible to be too nice, to give too much? Are you a giver in relationships? And if so, how does it help/hinder your relationships?
blair08 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 For me, I'm a giver as well. Sometimes, I think to much of one possibly. I think that it can be a problem for ME because there are times, that when I give and give and give, I can get sh*tted on by the other person(s) in the process. I used to think it was just me, and I was the one with the "giving to much" problem, but now I sometimes wonder if its some of the people I come in contact with too, that happen to be all takers! I wonder if I give off the "I'm a doormat vibe" to lots of people and thats how I possibly attract alot of those takers in my life.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Thanks for replying Blair, it's weird isn't it? In being a giver, you must give off a vibe where you attract takers? And of course in being a giver, you are at some level getting your needs fulfilled (feeling that you caring for a person, feeling needed/wanted etc).
blair08 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Thanks for replying Blair, it's weird isn't it? In being a giver, you must give off a vibe where you attract takers? And of course in being a giver, you are at some level getting your needs fulfilled (feeling that you caring for a person, feeling needed/wanted etc). Yes, I actually enjoy helping others, or being there for them or doing this and that or whatever. But there have been many times where I've had to take a step back from things because I allowed myself to be taken advantage by others. This is a good thread, because its just been recently that I really figured out why it was I was being taking advantage of by others, and it was because I was simply allowing it.
bean1 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Just from your other post Nikki, do you do everything for them for their benefit, or because you think that you have to give someone "the world" in order either like/love you, or to not leave you? Yes, that is giving too much. Nobody likes having someone depend on them for their self-worth. They lose respect. It grows resentment in people. It has the opposite effect what people are so desperate to achieve.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Just from your other post Nikki, do you do everything for them for their benefit, or because you think that you have to give someone "the world" in order either like/love you, or to not leave you? Yes, that is giving too much. Nobody likes having someone depend on them for their self-worth. They lose respect. It grows resentment in people. It has the opposite effect what people are so desperate to achieve. You know I think it's a combination of the 2. I do enjoy helping people and being demonstrative. But part of it probably is so that they don't leave, a kind of bribery. Deep down I am very insecure and my relationship has it's share of ups and downs. You know you've opened up something very interesting to me; maybe I give to avoid feeling a lack?
bean1 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I used to give "the world" to a man who didn't deserve it (treated me like crap), but looking back, I did it so he wouldn't leave me (insecure). It did the opposite. I won't make that mistake again.
DayDreamer75 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I think, people get easily used to somebody giving a lot. A relationship should be as balanced as possible in order to work. I think the fact that you give a lot and receive very little could be due to one of the following 2 scenarious: 1. you give a lot to people that are not really interested in you. People that usually are interested give more. 2. you give a lot to people who become complacent and take you for granted. you're right on one thing. Sometimes people get used to this and they start taking you for granted but you allow for this to happen. On my side I find it often that I have to tell people what they need to do in order to make me feel loved and cared for once I get tired of giving, giving, giving... sometimes talking works because it opens the eyes... sometimes it does not and it's time to walk
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 I think, people get easily used to somebody giving a lot. A relationship should be as balanced as possible in order to work. I think the fact that you give a lot and receive very little could be due to one of the following 2 scenarious: 1. you give a lot to people that are not really interested in you. People that usually are interested give more. 2. you give a lot to people who become complacent and take you for granted. you're right on one thing. Sometimes people get used to this and they start taking you for granted but you allow for this to happen. On my side I find it often that I have to tell people what they need to do in order to make me feel loved and cared for once I get tired of giving, giving, giving... sometimes talking works because it opens the eyes... sometimes it does not and it's time to walk I think mine would be the second. My boyfriend was the giver at first. Funny how roles reverse! Anyway our relationship has been through a lot and he needs more space to feel happy in our relationship so this probably causes more insecurity in me and causes me to overcompensate.
blair08 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I do the things I do for others because I see it as being helpful..I like to help others etc. I don't think mine really comes from lack of insecurity, or wanting them to like me. But perhaps it could. I really have only had about 2-3 people to treat me like crap because of my "giving to much." And the thing is, all 3 of those people have the very same qualities of takers, and self absorbing qualities . All 3 came from situations in their lives where most all things were done for them, they sh*t on most all people anyway, and they think the world owes them something or is entitled to something. Other people who I have given to, helped, been there for etc don't treat me like that, so I do think sometimes it can be the types of people we give to, as well. I'm sure if I give off the doormat vibe some the takers are like a magnet to that, ha!
mental_traveller Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 I prefer relationships where neither of us are givers or takers.
baker23 Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 I'm also a giver, but not only in a romantic relationship; I just like to help people. I am not a doormat because I have a very strong personality, and I won't stand someone abusing me. There have been people however that have taken my giving for granted, others who just expected me to help them at all costs, but when I realized they were trying to use me, I would cut them off. My boyfriend has helped me realize that giving too much is not ok; I'm good to him, but I'm not at his beg and call. He wouldn't respect me if I was.
baker23 Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 I'm a giver because my mother is a giver too; I think I get it from her. She is too good, would help anybody, would not hurt anyone, but she is also no doormat. My boyfriend says that he has never met anybody as good and willing to help as my mother and I, and that we need to stop it, for our own good. I see his point; some people just use you.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 I'm a giver because my mother is a giver too; I think I get it from her. She is too good, would help anybody, would not hurt anyone, but she is also no doormat. My boyfriend says that he has never met anybody as good and willing to help as my mother and I, and that we need to stop it, for our own good. I see his point; some people just use you. I think that's also where I get it from - my mother. My mother was always warned she was 'making a rod for her back' by giving too much.
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