lovesniffles Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Ok so I know men aren't completely sex obsessed so I don't want to throw them all into that catagory. But my boyfriend and I had a great sex life early on and now it seems he only wants sex once MAYBE twice a week if I'm lucky. I have never heard of a woman wanting more sex than the man in a relationship. We have lived together now for about 7 months and it's going great (Total time together is 17 months). We don't fight a lot, we spend a lot of time together but also have seperate healthy hobbies, and I know he still finds me attractive. It almost seems as though he's getting too lazy to want to have sex! He's not even 30 yet and he's acting like he's close to 60! He isn't working too hard at work to make him overly tired so I know that's not the case. He has no problem goofing off with me and being silly, and he has no problem cuddling with me. But it makes me feel unloved and sort of put in the "friend zone". I ask him if everything is ok with us when he turns down sex and he says yes that he is just tired or "just wants to cuddle". Sometimes when we do have sex I catch him staring off or watching tv. SERIOUSLY?! Trying to stay modest here but I will admit I think I'm attrative and good in bed so I don't know why this is happening. I also try new things and keep it "spiced up" so nothing gets old. Most typical answers are cheating, he's lost interest, or that we had a fight so now he's stand-off "ish". but I know it's none of those. Help please!
bean1 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Even men go through "slumps" where they just aren't interested. I think it may have something to do with being uncertain in a relationship (which is totally normal!). My SO and I have gone through this (on both sides), it's natural. Especially if you have lived together for 7 months (I think we went through this around 6 months living together too). I recommend you just wait it out, give him time, make him miss you. Make sure to be a happy person (even if you are annoyed by this) and he will come around if he is sure about it.
starryskies81 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I am in the same boat. My boyfriend and I are both 28 and he avoids sex with me. Everything else is great in our relationship. With us the issue is his confidence but yes when I posted on here everyone was like "he is cheating!!" or "he wants out" I knew that wasn't it. I was his first girl!! I mean c'mon now. So my question is do you think he might have a confidence issue? Another thing that came to mind that happened to my friend who is 29 and her hubby is 23 with the same issue is that how is his weight?? For them it is a weight problem. He doesn't have the physical stamina to do it. Just thought I would throw that out there.
Author lovesniffles Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 I hope he's not uncertain but then again it's happened to me before so I don't want to be hypocritical. I could make him miss me by going out more. Ever since we started living together I haven't gone out as much. My friends and I like to karaoke and they ask me to go sometimes during the week but I say no because I don't want to leave him alone half the night. lol. I guess I could slowly start becoming busier. I just feel like I have tried every angle and it's not working. I also feel like sex is on his terms. Heaven forbid I wouldn't be in the mood when he's turned on! The only time I turn down sex from him is if I'm ill. But last week I turned down sex (to see what is reaction was) because I "wasn't in the mood" and he accused me of not wanting him anymore. How is it that he can turn me down and it's ok but I do it and I must not be interested anymore? I don't like playing games like that but it seems that is the only way for him to see my side of things and to change! Why can't I just ask questions and get answers! I feel like the man in the relationship!
bean1 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 With us the issue is his confidence but yes when I posted on here everyone was like "he is cheating!!" or "he wants out" I knew that wasn't it. I was his first girl!! I mean c'mon now. Just out of curiousity, how do you come to the conclusion that it couldn't be any of those things because you were his first girl? I would never assume that a man who doesn't want sex is automatically cheating (which of course, I advised the OP) but I don't see your logic here.
bean1 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I hope he's not uncertain but then again it's happened to me before so I don't want to be hypocritical. I could make him miss me by going out more. Ever since we started living together I haven't gone out as much. My friends and I like to karaoke and they ask me to go sometimes during the week but I say no because I don't want to leave him alone half the night. lol. I guess I could slowly start becoming busier. I just feel like I have tried every angle and it's not working. I also feel like sex is on his terms. Heaven forbid I wouldn't be in the mood when he's turned on! The only time I turn down sex from him is if I'm ill. But last week I turned down sex (to see what is reaction was) because I "wasn't in the mood" and he accused me of not wanting him anymore. How is it that he can turn me down and it's ok but I do it and I must not be interested anymore? I don't like playing games like that but it seems that is the only way for him to see my side of things and to change! Why can't I just ask questions and get answers! I feel like the man in the relationship! Hmmm. Go out with your friends a bit more and be occupied. It's not playing games, it's just giving him time to miss you. It sounds like he has not had the chance to miss you because you have been spending sooo much time together (it's ok! We all do it!). Go out with the girls and let him miss you.
Author lovesniffles Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 I wasn't his first so that question must just be for starryskies. I know he isn't cheating because the only time he would have to cheat is if he wasn't working at his job all day but off screwing someone else. And then he wouldn't be bringing home a check every two weeks. lol. He is the first guy I truly trust in that department. I don't know how to explain it but when you know, you just know. Anyway, as far as the "weight" question goes, he has gained about 20 pouds since we've met. Then again I have too but you don't see me huffing and puffing to get it on! He will complain sometimes when he is on top that it hurts his ab muscles to continue. But like I said, we switch it up a lot. Believe me... missionary is not our only position we use. He is still at an average weight for a man of his size. He was very thin when we first met. I know he is sensitive about his weight but I don't think it's to the extreme that he doesn't want me to see him naked. We shower together and he changes in front of me.
manugeorge Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I hope he's not uncertain but then again it's happened to me before so I don't want to be hypocritical. I could make him miss me by going out more. Ever since we started living together I haven't gone out as much. My friends and I like to karaoke and they ask me to go sometimes during the week but I say no because I don't want to leave him alone half the night. lol. I guess I could slowly start becoming busier. I just feel like I have tried every angle and it's not working. I also feel like sex is on his terms. Heaven forbid I wouldn't be in the mood when he's turned on! The only time I turn down sex from him is if I'm ill. But last week I turned down sex (to see what is reaction was) because I "wasn't in the mood" and he accused me of not wanting him anymore. How is it that he can turn me down and it's ok but I do it and I must not be interested anymore? I don't like playing games like that but it seems that is the only way for him to see my side of things and to change! Why can't I just ask questions and get answers! I feel like the man in the relationship! This may be counter intuitive but now that you live together is when you have to make yourself as scarce as HEALTHILY possible. Why? because familiarity breeds well...familiarity and this eventually leads to contempt. Seeing and breathing the same person every day can put a damper on any relationship. Space is nice, just because you live together doesn't mean you have to stop missing each other. So those nights when you are invited to Karaoke, don't turn it down, go, have a good time and come back home with a fresh perspective to share with your boyfriend. This enhances the relationship just like it did while you were living apart. Don't abandon your hobbies and while you shouldn't spend every night out of the house, you should make a conscious effort to spend some time apart. This happened when I first moved in with my SO, it was exciting to see him every time I wanted to but that got old fast. I slowly realized that having our own space is nice eventhough we live together. We had date nights and we work out together at times but we also had nights where each person went out and did their own thing. Even if it is to stay late at work. I realize that those nights that we spent apart were the nights our lovemaking was especially ferrocious because I genuinely missed him.
Author lovesniffles Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Well I guess tomorrow will be the first "test", if you want to call it that. My friend is hosting a karaoke show and I'm sure she would like it if I came. I think I'll go! Really when you think about it we don't spend oodles of time together. He gets home around 5 or 6 each day and on the weekend he will get up early saturday and go fishing (if the weather permits) and when he gets home we will do something alone that night. Sunday he goes and visits his family and will come home that afternoon. Monday he sometimes shoot pool in a league. The rest of the week nights we spend together. Now that I type it out it sounds like he has all these weekly fun things and I have nothing. Maybe a weekly night out with the girls and going to see my family once a week will round things out. I used to see my friends once a week and we stopped because we all got busy.
bean1 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Are you sure he isn't cheating with me? LOL, he sure sounds exactly like my SO!!! But seriously, I think this is something to just "wait out" by spending more time with friends. That's what I did, and we are stronger than ever. Give him a bit of space so that he can miss you. Men don't care much for things that they don't have to work for, just a little bit. When a woman throws herself at a man too much, it has an opposite reaction. Men and women are just different creatures. Give it some time, if nothing happens, go to plan B. But give him that bit of space first and see how that does it, before worrying about more drastic things. (Although I have to admit, he never accused me of "not wanting him anymore", that is a bit of a strange comment.)
Author lovesniffles Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 (Although I have to admit, he never accused me of "not wanting him anymore", that is a bit of a strange comment.) I know it's weird to hear a guy say such insecure things but my guy is sensitive when it comes to certain things. I agree that making myself more busy will make him think that I won't always be there at our place when he gets home. I have noticed that when he plays pool in his league and comes home (around 11 PM or earlier) he always misses me and wants some. lol. Maybe that's why things were so hot early on... I didn't see him as much! Thanks for all the help guys! But please do leave more advice! haha.
starryskies81 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Just out of curiousity, how do you come to the conclusion that it couldn't be any of those things because you were his first girl? I would never assume that a man who doesn't want sex is automatically cheating (which of course, I advised the OP) but I don't see your logic here. Well I guess I should have explained it better. I guess I was saying that he would be waaaaayyy too shy to hit on another girl so how could he cheat anyways. He would never do it but even if he wanted to he would never have the guts to. I was his first everything at age 27 and he has full on admitted that he is insecure. See my point?? I wasn't saying thats her issue either. i know mine is kinda unique.
loveslife Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I know this is really not a very PC thing to say, but if you've gained 20 pounds that could be it. Not that he doesn't love you anymore, but weight gain can be a turn-off for some guys even if they're a little heavier themselves or if they truly love the person who gained the weight.
Loxx Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Yeah its normal, I went through this with my ex wife. She took very personal as if i didnt want her anymore or i didnt think she was attractive. I was very stressed out with work and just mentall drained, not sure why it effected that area of my life but it did. Word of advice, Do not nag , bitch or make him feel guilty about. Ask him about it and if he says its not about you then be understanding and patient. Give him a little while and then he will be super hot for you.
starryskies81 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I know this is really not a very PC thing to say, but if you've gained 20 pounds that could be it. Not that he doesn't love you anymore, but weight gain can be a turn-off for some guys even if they're a little heavier themselves or if they truly love the person who gained the weight. She said she considers herself attractive though. I dunno I think maybe bean1 is right about making him miss her a little
Enema Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Twice a week seems fine to me... Maybe it's the sex itself. Do you make him do all the work? It can be a lot of effort.
Author lovesniffles Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Twice a week seems fine to me... Maybe it's the sex itself. Do you make him do all the work? It can be a lot of effort. No I don't make him do all the work. lol. We normally have some kind of foreplay and then we usually change positions to switch it up and get different stimulations. It would be selfish of me to always make him be on top. That's hard work. lol. When we have sex I enjoy it and I work hard to make sure he enjoys it. Maybe he would rather have great sex once a week than a few quickies during the week... idk.
Author lovesniffles Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 I know this is really not a very PC thing to say, but if you've gained 20 pounds that could be it. Not that he doesn't love you anymore, but weight gain can be a turn-off for some guys even if they're a little heavier themselves or if they truly love the person who gained the weight. 20 pounds may have been a rounded number for me. I know I have gained weight since we started dating but nothing that I can notice with my naked (literally lol) eye. I noticed when I tried to put jeans on that I wore last year are tighter now. He has gained more than me. He went up a size in shirts and two sizes in pants. I don't sit there feeding him bon bons either. Haha I try healthy lifestyle habits. But I think it's odd that even if he has gained weight too and he still loves me that he could not be turned on by me anymore. I'm not saying it can't happen but I think it's unfair.
treyfan88 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Seduce him! Try to mix it up a little. Write him a steamy text or something. Send a naughy photo while he's at work. Whet his appetite.
Loxx Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Seduce him! Try to mix it up a little. Write him a steamy text or something. Send a naughy photo while he's at work. Whet his appetite. I wouldnt do this... It will make him feel guilty. Just be loving and understanding. Forget the sex and be happy being with him, if it keeps on for too long then i would start to question it. My stint was about 2 months and it was purely work stress.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 And some men honestly just have a lower drive. My BF has a lower drive than my XH and it's baffling. LOL No, he's not cheating, yes he's still attracted.
mental_traveller Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Send a naughy photo while he's at work. Never do this unless you are happy for your "naughty" photo to appear on the internet next to your name for all eternity.
Jersey Shortie Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 I know this is really not a very PC thing to say, but if you've gained 20 pounds that could be it. Not that he doesn't love you anymore, but weight gain can be a turn-off for some guys even if they're a little heavier themselves or if they truly love the person who gained the weight. She said *HE* gained 20 pounds. OP, you need to talk to him. You aren't happy. Ask him to give you one more day a week. Ask him if there is anything he wants to try, anything he wants you to wear. He should be HAPPY to have a woman that wants to get it on with him. Is he looking at porn?
Author lovesniffles Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 She said *HE* gained 20 pounds. OP, you need to talk to him. You aren't happy. Ask him to give you one more day a week. Ask him if there is anything he wants to try, anything he wants you to wear. He should be HAPPY to have a woman that wants to get it on with him. Is he looking at porn? It's rare that he looks at porn...and even when he looks at "porn" it's not a porn site. It's just pictures here and there. I check his history every now and then and I rarely find anything. (He's not computer savy enough to delete history. Doesn't know how.) Actually I just told him I think I'm giving more in the bedroom than he is. Also, I stopped talking about it after that and didn't initiate sex and so far it's seemed to work. But I enjoy initiating. It's fun. lol. So that won't last for long. I'm also trying to get out more with friends.
treyfan88 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Never do this unless you are happy for your "naughty" photo to appear on the internet next to your name for all eternity. LOL! If you're with a guy who would do something as childish as THAT--you shouldn't be with him. ------- You should talk to him, OP. Is he uncomfortable with YOU initiating, specifically? Perhaps he's feeling like he's out of control in the relationship?
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