coleer Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 My wife and I have recently separated for 1 month with no contact. We have been married for 6 1/2 years. She is living in our house and I rented an apartment. I gave up my house key so that she can have her space without worrying about me invading her space. She also has a "crush" on a coworker that may or may not have the same feelings. She wants to take the time to figure out her feelings for him. She has tried to shake them but has not been able to yet. She told me she has never acted on her feelings or even talked to him about it yet. After 1 month we will get together and decide if we can work it out. I am currently going to marriage counseling alone. She agreed to go to counseling after the separation if she decides she wants me back. Before the agreed upon no contact separation she was living in a temporary place for 3 weeks. We would get together for dinner or movies, etc 4 out of 7 days a week. Im very confused because before the separation on Sunday we had a really great weekend together. We spent the night in our house together and got it ready for her to live in by herself for a month. She has shown me mixed feelings for the past month. One day she wants to be with me, while the next she needs her space. Before this separation when I would give her space she would call me after a few days wanting to see me. Before the break she said we have a 50-50 chance of making it. Does anyone have any advice?
sugarmomma Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Sounds like she knows that she can leave you and come back whenever she gets ready. The fact that she entertained the possibility of an emotional affair with another man says that she is looking for something else besides you. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like that? You may want to look at your own self worth issues. You guys are married. How many times will you allow her to do something like this? Its like you're just waiting for her to find someone to replace you. I would not go back if I were you. My husband only has 1 time to tell me that he has feelings for another woman and wants to separate from me in order to figure them out. I would tell him that I will file for the divorce and he can be with her. I say get some balls and stand up to her!!!
LakesideDream Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 My wife and I have recently separated for 1 month with no contact. We have been married for 6 1/2 years. She is living in our house and I rented an apartment. I gave up my house key so that she can have her space without worrying about me invading her space. She also has a "crush" on a coworker that may or may not have the same feelings. She wants to take the time to figure out her feelings for him. She has tried to shake them but has not been able to yet. She told me she has never acted on her feelings or even talked to him about it yet. After 1 month we will get together and decide if we can work it out. I am currently going to marriage counseling alone. She agreed to go to counseling after the separation if she decides she wants me back. Before the agreed upon no contact separation she was living in a temporary place for 3 weeks. We would get together for dinner or movies, etc 4 out of 7 days a week. Im very confused because before the separation on Sunday we had a really great weekend together. We spent the night in our house together and got it ready for her to live in by herself for a month. She has shown me mixed feelings for the past month. One day she wants to be with me, while the next she needs her space. Before this separation when I would give her space she would call me after a few days wanting to see me. Before the break she said we have a 50-50 chance of making it. Does anyone have any advice? First, Google the term Gaslight. I may be the first, but certainly not the last person on this forum to tell you that your wife is having an affair with her "co-worker". The vast majority of women do not move away from one relationship to another without having a "soft place to land", which is always another mans bed. You have allowed her to relegate you to the role of "back up guy". She wants to keep you around long enough to find out if her current love interest works out. This is not a good position for you to allow. To have any hope of success you need to take that option away from her. This is very important because if you allow her to do this she will repeat the performance over and over until she eventually finds a new male to replace you with. You must make her believe that you are moving forward with the seperation as a step in the dissallusion of your marriage. You haven't mentioned if there are children from this marriage. If there are it becomes more complicated. If not, you have the ability to begin setting your own terms unfettered by outside influence. If you aren't strong enough to want the upper hand, to do what's needed to prevail, at least make the effort to have equality in this "negotiation". Believe me, you will be sorry if you don't look out for yourself. And.... Welcome to LoveShack. There's lots of help and understanding for you here, use it ! Lean on the good folks here. We've been through it.
2sure Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 No, no....you have condoned & participated in this back & forth. She sounds like someone who is not only unable to make decisions - but feels entitled to not make them. That isnt the way life is. Unless you feel you are personally benefitting from MC...there is no point in going alone. Are there children involved? If not, is the mortgage/house a joint thing legally? Stop rolling over. Thats the ONLY thing you can do to save your marriage. She may let you back this time, but will continue this needing space thing.
Author coleer Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 There are no children. I believe she has not cheated yet. She has an emotional friend. However, our separation will give her the chance to cheat with this guy. I have been very weak with this whole thing. I have given in to her every wish. The mortgage is joint. We both work to pay for our home. I have been reading some posts and its sounds like she is wanting to see if it works out with this other guy If not she will come back to me. Reading everyone's advice and some of the other messages has given me some strength. I will give her the month, but im going to spend this month preparing for a divorce. I need to be ready.
SRV Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 There are no children. I believe she has not cheated yet. She has an emotional friend. However, our separation will give her the chance to cheat with this guy. This is exactly why you have to rid her of this option. I have been very weak with this whole thing. She is gaslighting you, these are the effects of it. I have given in to her every wish. The mortgage is joint. We both work to pay for our home. I have been reading some posts and its sounds like she is wanting to see if it works out with this other guy If not she will come back to me. And it will be just a matter of time before she does it to you again. She will come back if it does not work out but will continue looking knowing that she got away with it the first time. Reading everyone's advice and some of the other messages has given me some strength. I will give her the month, but im going to spend this month preparing for a divorce. I need to be ready. You seem to be doing well considering the circumstances, keep posting.
2sure Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Look - on the off chance I know what I'm talking about... She is a narcissist. It doesnt make her an axe murderer, but it does skew her perception. Its all about her , emotions anyway. One way to deal with them. REAL CONSEQUENCES. TANGIBLE. Talk to attorney, let her know you have. Make an appointment for both of you to have a REAL ESTATE AGENT meet you at the house. These things and only these things may give her an inkling that her feelings are not the driving force behind all lives connected to her.
OneDayStartFresh Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I'm so sorry to hear about your separation. It's a very difficult time and you probably have a lot of ups and downs coming. I may be in the minority but I think you should give her space. People don't fall for co-workers unless they weren't getting their emotional/physical needs met in their marriage. What made her want to look outside for someone? You have a choice in all of this. You know full well what is going on with her and her new friend. If you decide to stick around and wait for her, you know there's a chance she won't come back and you'll be left picking up the pieces. The flip side is she could take the time to get to know this guy and realize that he wasn't what she was looking for. And if you still want her back, you'll probably still have the chance. Would you still want her back after knowing what she's done? I wouldn't place all the blame on her for "leaving" you. Women tend to separate themselves emotionally for months, even years before they actually physically leave. Did she try to tell you what she needed when you were still committed to each other? It takes a long time for someone to lose hope and decide to do something (in this case, leave).
seibert253 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 First, Google the term Gaslight. I may be the first, but certainly not the last person on this forum to tell you that your wife is having an affair with her "co-worker". The vast majority of women do not move away from one relationship to another without having a "soft place to land", which is always another mans bed. You have allowed her to relegate you to the role of "back up guy". She wants to keep you around long enough to find out if her current love interest works out. This is not a good position for you to allow. To have any hope of success you need to take that option away from her. This is very important because if you allow her to do this she will repeat the performance over and over until she eventually finds a new male to replace you with. You must make her believe that you are moving forward with the seperation as a step in the dissallusion of your marriage. You haven't mentioned if there are children from this marriage. If there are it becomes more complicated. If not, you have the ability to begin setting your own terms unfettered by outside influence. If you aren't strong enough to want the upper hand, to do what's needed to prevail, at least make the effort to have equality in this "negotiation". Believe me, you will be sorry if you don't look out for yourself. And.... Welcome to LoveShack. There's lots of help and understanding for you here, use it ! Lean on the good folks here. We've been through it. 100% agree. Your on the bench now, 2nd string if her thing with the other guy doesn't pan out. Plan for a divorce. Contact an attorney, have papers drawn up. At the end of your month, if she's still dragging you along, have her served then go no contact. Time for her to feel the uncertainty. She's in the fog now, and only a smack upside the head will snap her out of it.
Gunny376 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 First, Google the term Gaslight. I may be the first, but certainly not the last person on this forum to tell you that your wife is having an affair with her "co-worker". The vast majority of women do not move away from one relationship to another without having a "soft place to land", which is always another mans bed. You have allowed her to relegate you to the role of "back up guy". She wants to keep you around long enough to find out if her current love interest works out. This is not a good position for you to allow. To have any hope of success you need to take that option away from her. This is very important because if you allow her to do this she will repeat the performance over and over until she eventually finds a new male to replace you with. You must make her believe that you are moving forward with the separation as a step in the dissolution of your marriage. You haven't mentioned if there are children from this marriage. If there are it becomes more complicated. If not, you have the ability to begin setting your own terms unfettered by outside influence. If you aren't strong enough to want the upper hand, to do what's needed to prevail, at least make the effort to have equality in this "negotiation". Believe me, you will be sorry if you don't look out for yourself. And.... Welcome to LoveShack. There's lots of help and understanding for you here, use it ! Lean on the good folks here. We've been through it. HELLO! If you believe her crap? The (spitting into hand and slapping them together) Friend I've got some beach front property in Arizona to sell ya! Or better YET! Some GM stock @ $150 a share!
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 that's right gunny BS women cheat too!!! and have flimsy excuses why they do it!!! Coller I'm sorry but the time for negotiation is over you need to put your foot down. I'd say hire a lawyer and know your rights, because she's having an affair. And if you refuse to act it will be too late.
ThatCaliLover Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Lakeside definitely knows what he's talking about. You're letting her walk all over you, and the fact that she had the nerve to pull something as severe as this, suggests she's been doing it for a while. Assert the respect that is rightfully yours as her husband. Let her know you won't stand for anything like this ever again, and woe to her if she tries! Only good can from this, women don't want to be with men who are weak and don't stand up for themselves, by taking a stand you have two possible outcomes: Outcome A: She's been waiting for you to show some backbone, and your lack of one has drove her into another man's arms. She may have even been doing this with the unconscious intention of trying to get you to stand up and "be a man". Doing so will rekindle her love and attraction for you, reminding her that she does need you and can't lose you. Option B: You draw up the divorce papers, she stubbornly fights you and maybe even tries to blame you for it, and you both divorce. If this is the case, then good, you'll be better off without her. But I can almost guarantee that even in the unlikely case that this is what happens, she'll contact you sometime in the future attempting to start things back up. Good luck bro, grab that courage, be bold!
mark982 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 reach down grab a pair, go see a lawyer,quit being her back up plan.would you want her back after another man has spread her legs?
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