MarshaMellow Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 So you will need a little history to understand my question. My bf cheated on me about 2 years ago. Long story short we got back together and have been living together for almost a year now. Well, he has recently been talking about marraige and buying a house together.. Well, i dont know why but I think about the fact that he was w/ someone else about 10-15 times a week (give or take depending on the week). I wish these feelings would go away bcz it makes me feel horribly sad and its hard to mask my feelings. I find myself heading to the bathroom while at work and trying to compose myself enough to go back to my desk. Anyways, I randomly think about breaking things off w/ my BF and running far far away (not really sure where). I realize this is not very reasonable. I do love my bf w/ all my heart. I dont really want to bring this up to my bf bcz im afraid that it will lead to a fight and not really resolve anything. The thing is im torn on what i should do. Sometimes i feel the only way i will get better is to get out of this relationship. But im afraid that will be a mistake, because the thought of not having him in my life is just as equally if not more heartbreaking. I cant help but think that the saying is true " once a cheater always a cheater".. I must say our relationship does seem different than in the past when he cheated. But I cant help but think how horrible i felt then and if he were to do it again when we were married and possible w/ kids.. that would be even way worse. I think I want to run away from this just to avoid the possibility of being hurt big time... Am I making any sense? Any words of wisdom?
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 It's not a stupid question at all I can really understand why this is so heart-wrenching for you. Firstly, once a cheater always a cheater is not always the case. Some people may continue to cheat, but equally, many learn from the damage and hurt they have inflicted and never go on to repeat it. This does not just apply to cheating. I have in the past been a violent girlfriend, however I broke the pattern and have never done it again, nor would I. Sometimes a person breaks that third wall in order to realise it wasn't worth it. Sometimes it's just the wake-up call you need. And if someone gives you a second chance after that, then all the better. People are complex creations - we all have the potential to learn and grow from our errors or regress to repeat them. You do need to talk to him because otherwise this will eat you up inside. If you can't speak to him then the cheating has done deeper damage - cut the lines of your communication. As you said if you wade further in, you may have more to walk away from i.e. a home, husband and kids. So you need to sort this out before you take any big steps. What has he done to prove he has changed and that he can be trusted?
Author MarshaMellow Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 It's not a stupid question at all I can really understand why this is so heart-wrenching for you. Firstly, once a cheater always a cheater is not always the case. Some people may continue to cheat, but equally, many learn from the damage and hurt they have inflicted and never go on to repeat it. This does not just apply to cheating. I have in the past been a violent girlfriend, however I broke the pattern and have never done it again, nor would I. Sometimes a person breaks that third wall in order to realise it wasn't worth it. Sometimes it's just the wake-up call you need. And if someone gives you a second chance after that, then all the better. People are complex creations - we all have the potential to learn and grow from our errors or regress to repeat them. You do need to talk to him because otherwise this will eat you up inside. If you can't speak to him then the cheating has done deeper damage - cut the lines of your communication. As you said if you wade further in, you may have more to walk away from i.e. a home, husband and kids. So you need to sort this out before you take any big steps. What has he done to prove he has changed and that he can be trusted? I dont know how to answer that question Well, he has definately opened up alot more and shared alot about his past w/ me. Which is nice because now I can understand how he gets sometimes. Thanks for your response. Its good to know people can change.
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