Lucky555 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I'm finding the less commitment I want from a guy the more he pursues me. In order for a guy to get serious it seems as though I need to do this: 1. keep my confidence 2. To not care. I am not caring till the guy displays that he is wanting a relationship. 3. Become his friend but not his best friend. Basically be there if he really is having a tough time but not if he is just seeking attention (men will use many tactics to just have attention from a girl when the guy should be making up his mind on if its going to go somewhere or not-some men drag on the dating aspect just to have attention from a woman) 4. Keep dating other men. These apply to initial aspects of my dating theory. Less committed=getting what i want. I have only recently became more invested in having a dating plan because I am TIRED of: dating man after man and never finding a good one games some men play (its like another one? seriously?) I was having fun for the past couple of years with dating. I just was not ready to commit to the guys but had "short lived" fun. Now that i'm wanting a steady partner its become more of an objective for me to aim for. Does this sound like a good start everyone?
bayouboi Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Sounds kind of like you're trying to find a serious relationship by playing games. I don't think that's a good strategy. I do, however, think it is healthy for you to bluff when appropriate ('keep your confidence') and hold onto some cards ('to not care'), but I don't think you should be rolling the dice ('keep dating other men') if you're wanting to have something serious. But until you find a worthy opponent, I think dating multiple people would be fine.
Author Lucky555 Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Sounds kind of like you're trying to find a serious relationship by playing games. I don't think that's a good strategy. I do, however, think it is healthy for you to bluff when appropriate ('keep your confidence') and hold onto some cards ('to not care'), but I don't think you should be rolling the dice ('keep dating other men') if you're wanting to have something serious. But until you find a worthy opponent, I think dating multiple people would be fine. Oh this is not a game. I say keep dating other men till I find something I like and want to hold on to. By identifying how he treats me and compatibility. After dating guys I really don't want contact with them. This is the case 95% of the time
loveslife Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I don't think it's playing games. Sounds realistic to me. Keep your eyes and your options open until the right one clicks. It sounds like you're raising your standards.
Author Lucky555 Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 I don't think it's playing games. Sounds realistic to me. Keep your eyes and your options open until the right one clicks. It sounds like you're raising your standards. Thanks for pointing this out. I guess this new evaluation of dating does mean I am raising my standards! That just made it a lot of sense. It has taken me a bit to figure out how to get what i want. I am young but I'm not looking for a superficial relationship anymore or one that ends in two weeks. I have noticed I have been opening my eyes lately.
loveslife Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Thanks for pointing this out. I guess this new evaluation of dating does mean I am raising my standards! That just made it a lot of sense. It has taken me a bit to figure out how to get what i want. I am young but I'm not looking for a superficial relationship anymore or one that ends in two weeks. I have noticed I have been opening my eyes lately. It can take a lifetime or more to figure out how to get what you want! When I read your post it resonated with me. I have felt that I lack confidence and get too invested too soon when it comes to relationships. And while you don't seem to be suggesting being a cold fish or playing with someone's emotions, I do think you're saying that you want to empower yourself and your choices. I think what you're trying to do is love yourself more. All good things. Keep it positive. You're not trying to hurt someone else and nor should you. You're just trying to make better decisions. I'm right there with you!
mr.dream merchant Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Sounds solid, a little bit on the game playing side but it will work. Only problem is this could work or backfire. It could attract really clingy guys, and then it could push away the not so clingy ones. Only thing I'd stress is that you're honest about keeping your options open with your suitors. Don't lead them onto thinking you're only talking to them.
loveslife Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 And by the way, I'm a strong believer in acting like you're the type of person you want to ultimately become. Make yourself aware of behavior of people who give the image of who you'd like to become. Try out different things. If you pretend you're confident people will respond to that and it will ultimately make you aware of how confident you SHOULD be.
Lucky_One Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Get a copy of The Rules. There is a reason why your mama told you not to call a man first and to not accept a date for Friday if he doesn't ask you by Tuesday.
Author Lucky555 Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Sounds solid, a little bit on the game playing side but it will work. Only problem is this could work or backfire. It could attract really clingy guys, and then it could push away the not so clingy ones. Only thing I'd stress is that you're honest about keeping your options open with your suitors. Don't lead them onto thinking you're only talking to them. I have been in situations where I have dated more than one guy and one of them starts to display interest more, I am not out to lead anyone on it would not be fair and this is what i am staying away from. Obviously I have stated I am not looking for superficial..leading someone on is just this.
Author Lucky555 Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Get a copy of The Rules. There is a reason why your mama told you not to call a man first and to not accept a date for Friday if he doesn't ask you by Tuesday. I just looked this up online and it seems interesting. I saw the 10 rules and I knew exactly what they were saying. I am not following strict rules but I have higher rules for myself and what i require in order to find someone who i can be with. It was fun dating here and there but now its like i need more for myself, thats why i came up with this theory that i posted. I'm glad so many people have given me their input on this. I think in dating there are "rules" that you have to follow for yourself in order to get what you want.
loser101 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 'The Rules' is a lot of rubbish. You shouldn't play games if you want a man that doesn't play games either. I assume you know the idiom 'you reap what you sow' making male friends is a good idea. if you want a serious relationship, you should get to know him, allow him to get to know you. take up a hobby that allows you to meet men in their environment rather than just through dating.
fishtaco Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Sounds like a good plan. Except the friend part. If friendship is involved, it make the situation more difficult. Yes, have self confidence. Yes, don't take it seriously (until it's time for the exclusive talk). Yes, date a bunch of men. But date them, don't become friends with them. I'm not sure if I would call it game playing. I would say that's just not putting all of your eggs in one basket - i.e. being smart about it. That's my view. From a guy's point of view, the friend thing doesn't make sense. Women get mad at men for using "friendship" as a way in to reach romance. There's also the dreaded "friend zone". Many men would avoid it like the plague. Even for someone that doesn't believe in those, like I said, friendship always adds another layer of complexity to things. Because now you have to weigh your options. Are you going to lose a friend if things don't turn out?
Lucky_One Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I don't consider The Rules to be game-playing, but I do consider them to be a strong set of boundaries that help to guide women to strong and healthy relationships.
loser101 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I don't consider The Rules to be game-playing, but I do consider them to be a strong set of boundaries that help to guide women to strong and healthy relationships. depends how free-spirited you are I suppose. if you like spontaneous stuff then 'not-saying-yes-to-a-Friday-date-after-Tuesday-because-I-want-him- to-think-I'm-popular-and-I-want-an-uptight-guy-that-plans-ages-ahead' won't work. you have to do what is right for you, not to live by someone else's rules
loser101 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Sounds like a good plan. Except the friend part. If friendship is involved, it make the situation more difficult. Yes, have self confidence. Yes, don't take it seriously (until it's time for the exclusive talk). Yes, date a bunch of men. But date them, don't become friends with them. I'm not sure if I would call it game playing. I would say that's just not putting all of your eggs in one basket - i.e. being smart about it. That's my view. From a guy's point of view, the friend thing doesn't make sense. Women get mad at men for using "friendship" as a way in to reach romance. There's also the dreaded "friend zone". Many men would avoid it like the plague. Even for someone that doesn't believe in those, like I said, friendship always adds another layer of complexity to things. Because now you have to weigh your options. Are you going to lose a friend if things don't turn out? you are missing the point. you make male friends because you get to know how men think, you meet their friends, you widen their social circle, etc a lot of long term relationship are based on solid foundations like initial friendships. you have to be relaxed, seek the other sex's company and see where it takes you
fishtaco Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Well, OP said "become his friends". Male platonic friends are great, yes you'll meet potential dates from your male friends. Plus they can keep you safe when you're out flirting and some guy won't take a no for an answer. But you DON'T become friends with the same person you're consider dating. Some long term relationships come from friendships first yes. But those are accidents. Plus the ones involved like I said usually have to go though the decision making process of what-will-happen-to-the-friendship. More is at risk should the relationship fail. It's like dating a co-worker. Can it work? Of course, some people made it work. But generally that's thought of as not a good thing to do. Same deal. Intentionally starting a friendship for the sole purpose of converting it to romance later, not recommended. Pick a path. Friend or date, but not both, that's my view.
loser101 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I see what you mean. I suppose the way I can relate to it is the number of times it saved my bacon that I ended up being mates with someone instead of dating him when I realised he was completely unsuitable. it only happened about a couple of times the other way around - ie wishing I had dated someone instead of being friends.
You'reasian Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I Now that i'm wanting a steady partner its become more of an objective for me to aim for. Does this sound like a good start everyone? Everything you're doing is going to work well in the short-term and is ok, but typically works better for guys then girls, since the majority of men are initiators. Women seem to need the chase moreso than men.
yeex Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Yeah, these are good rules to go by and I would not necessarily call them gaming. I go by a similar philosophy. But man, they can be easily forgotten or sidetracked when you find somebody you really like. That is the hard part, seeing how well you can stick with it when you are head over heels. Easier said than done. I have been there. Also I agree it may backfire sometimes. This approach may drive some people away.
flash582 Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 People do not value that which they do not have to work for. If you give someone something for free, they will treat it as if it had NO value. You have to be a bit of a challenge, otherwise you have no value, in general. But each guy will be different ... the rules, and philosophies that are similar, are generalities. You have to tailor your approach to the specific individual. If this guy is really competitive, for example .... he may want to compete for your affections. Other guys may not like this. People are all different ... one approach will not work for everyone.
MN randomguy Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 My $0.02 Thanks for pointing this out. I guess this new evaluation of dating does mean I am raising my standards! That just made it a lot of sense. It has taken me a bit to figure out how to get what i want. I am young but I'm not looking for a superficial relationship anymore or one that ends in two weeks. I have noticed I have been opening my eyes lately. Glad your eyes are opened. That really is the only thing that matters. Now, about raising your standards. If you had X standards when looking for a fling. Now you want Y standards relationship-wise. Understand that you're not going to get a perfect guy. May want to try relaxing the X standards a little if you don't find suitable men. You shouldn't play games if you want a man that doesn't play games either. I assume you know the idiom 'you reap what you sow' making male friends is a good idea. if you want a serious relationship, you should get to know him, allow him to get to know you. take up a hobby that allows you to meet men in their environment rather than just through dating. All good stuff. Amazing how many women hang-out shopping for shoes and can't find a decent man. Well, OP said "become his friends". Male platonic friends are great, yes you'll meet potential dates from your male friends. Plus they can keep you safe when you're out flirting and some guy won't take a no for an answer. But you DON'T become friends with the same person you're consider dating. Some long term relationships come from friendships first yes. But those are accidents. Plus the ones involved like I said usually have to go though the decision making process of what-will-happen-to-the-friendship. More is at risk should the relationship fail. It's like dating a co-worker. Can it work? Of course, some people made it work. But generally that's thought of as not a good thing to do. Same deal. Intentionally starting a friendship for the sole purpose of converting it to romance later, not recommended. Pick a path. Friend or date, but not both, that's my view. Bolded the important stuff from this post. Guys don't like that game. But, people tend to hang with similar people. If you don't click romantically with an otherwise decent guy, good friend material. Another note, be a real friend. Give and take. You want to talk about guys. He gets to tell you that he doesn't want to date so-and-so girl because she's fat without being judged. I see what you mean. I suppose the way I can relate to it is the number of times it saved my bacon that I ended up being mates with someone instead of dating him when I realised he was completely unsuitable. it only happened about a couple of times the other way around - ie wishing I had dated someone instead of being friends. I don't knkow what you mean by completely unsuitable. But, if its a view or life type of unsuitability eh won't make a good friend either. You'll just meet more guys like him through him and start to assume its the norm.
Author Lucky555 Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 Yeah, these are good rules to go by and I would not necessarily call them gaming. I go by a similar philosophy. But man, they can be easily forgotten or sidetracked when you find somebody you really like. That is the hard part, seeing how well you can stick with it when you are head over heels. Easier said than done. I have been there. Also I agree it may backfire sometimes. This approach may drive some people away. i agree with this post. Yes, been there fell head over heels and then its def hard to stay on track. I keep reminding myself that no matter how much i like him I have to stick to the values in order to have a decent relationship. Its hard but thankfully I have been sticking to the rules lately.
Author Lucky555 Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 My $0.02 Glad your eyes are opened. That really is the only thing that matters. Now, about raising your standards. If you had X standards when looking for a fling. Now you want Y standards relationship-wise. Understand that you're not going to get a perfect guy. May want to try relaxing the X standards a little if you don't find suitable men. All good stuff. Amazing how many women hang-out shopping for shoes and can't find a decent man. Bolded the important stuff from this post. Guys don't like that game. But, people tend to hang with similar people. If you don't click romantically with an otherwise decent guy, good friend material. Another note, be a real friend. Give and take. You want to talk about guys. He gets to tell you that he doesn't want to date so-and-so girl because she's fat without being judged. I don't knkow what you mean by completely unsuitable. But, if its a view or life type of unsuitability eh won't make a good friend either. You'll just meet more guys like him through him and start to assume its the norm. Well my standards are raised but i am not expecting perfection. All my friends say that to me "mr. perfect is not out there" hahaha. I know there are ups and downs ect. I have had my fair share. I know the problem with men i have dated...They have been people i worked with for the majority of them. so i am exapanding my social circle, going out with friends even when i dont really feel like. If i meet some one i do if i dont then i had fun.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 You are definitely onto something. I would also recommend the book Why Men Marry Bitches. It's not about being a bitch -- it's about having your own life and passions and not NEEDING a man. Works both ways. I have never been the one to initiate upping the commitment ante in relationships, as that is what has come naturally to me. The approach that has always felt right to me is to participate in the relationship on the level it's at, without specific expectations around future intensification of commitment. If we're sitting at one level for too long without progress, I naturally start to pull back out of self-protection. If things aren't progressing as I want them to, my interest and investment start to stall. Should it get to that point, my partner inevitably picks up on this, then himself initiates the next level of commitment (exclusivity, I love you, future plans, etc.). I have never once initiated any of these commitment landmarks. Being cool about this seems to arouse a lot of fire and desire within men. One of the principles in the Bitch book is that the more rational/cool/non-emotional the woman is, the more emotional the man becomes -- natural balance of energy. Though I am well in touch with my emotions, I communicate with logic and rational arguments as my foundation, always. I don't get angry and worked up, even in the most heated arguments. I stick to the facts. This seems to have a very powerful effect on men. I was talking about this with a friend recently, and we agreed that the woman (if she's smart) is always in control of the relationship and where it's going. But a wise woman knows how to make the man feel as though he's actually the one in control.
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