toastman Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 known Sarah for about ten years. we saw each other in non-exclusive way for 4 of those.. we both partied a lot-- her mum had just died when i met her and she blamed herself for not looking after her enough (she had MS and slipped in bath while sarah was looking after her but was out - mum didnt wait for her to come back - possible suicide i dont know)) and she drank way too much. 6 years ago i went to visit her abroad where she was at the time.. she was in a bad way and i took her home with me to London.. we started a strong relationship very much based on a strong friendship. she carried on drinking a lot tho. i drank a bit too but not as much. i tried for years to get her to stop drinking as it was now a serious problem. it transpired that she had been abused as a child also and wasnt coping with that. our sex life suffered after two or three years but relationship was still strong as was friendship although she was often a serious handful cos of the drink. eventually (1 year ago) i managed to convince her to go to a detox centre where she managed to stop drinking. she then claimed she didnt need to go to for rehabilitation afterwards. she just detoxed and that was it.. she was off the drink but remained very depressed. she went to AA etc. but not councilors Moving on to the last few months I got a bit depressed myself over her withdrawness - she hasnt touched a drop and doing well.. now where i f--d up bad. i started to complain that we were not intimate anymore and she could try getting help etc. we started to argue over it.. i would be a bit withdrawn too and she'd push me to say it was cos i wasnt getting any attention. eventually she walked out after a row. she said we had to break up and i begged her to stay.. she didnt.. we had tickets for theatre booked in 2 weeks time and she said we would still go with me.. i didnt contact her for 2 weeks then went to theatre but was a little cautious and distant myself (prob a f--k up again on my part) i asked her to go to the cinema the next day and she said ok then dropped out at last moment. shesaid we could only see each other once in a while and we weren't trying again. not because she didnt love me but because it wasnt working. i kept texting her and calling next few days and she said its over and she cant see me. i offered my friendship and she said she didnt believe in freindship or happiness. i was now beginning to realise in my slow brain that this was bad and she was serious. next week passes, i sent letters saying i'd change and wouldnt be moody about our relationship- she said i was moody and acted like i didnt like her.. i did i just felt the same (that she didnt like me). in the end she said to leave her in peace - she said she'd love to spend time with me and she missed me but couldnt try again and needed space before even talking to me- i didnt give it to her, kept texting like a fool and then she said she'd never see me. i am now trying to give her space but keep ending up texting. getting better, only evry few days. i want to know she's ok as she's very insular and i get worried. i know she needed time and patience and i didnt show it.. although i did visit every day at her detox place and was patient for a good while. now i just want her back badly.. i realise now that sex isnt everything and i was thinking like a stupid man. miss hanging out with her and i think given time we could have got to something good.. she hasnt drunk and seems well on the right track but wont get help just goes to the gym for hours every day instead of drinking. i know some will say i am selfish for wanting more attention etc. and i agree but i've learnt and i know she still loves me and i love her so its difficult. what should i do to stand a chance? best to leave her alone? worried if i leave her completely could be wrong but same time she asked for space. do u think i have any chance?
kassy Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Oh man, that is just terrible. Don't beat yourself up too much. I think you have been amazingly supportive and committed to her, and maybe you need a bit of a break too. I have no idea if she'll take you back. Can you get a mutual friend to keep you posted on how she is going? Maybe a break in communication for a bit would work, but I wouldn't stop all communication or she may think you have moved on... which would seem best to do, but I am guessing that is out of the question for you right now. Sure makes my problems seem pathetic. Best of luck mate.
Author toastman Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 thanks kassy.. thats the dillema.. when and if to contact her.. dont want to drive her further away but i dont want to disappear and like u said make her think i've moved on (but maybe she more likely to come back if she thinks i've moved on!). no mutual friends so thats not an option.. she doesnt have many friends - and says now she doesnt believe in friendship.
MarshaMellow Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Wow. I definately feel for you. Im gonna be completely honest here. Sounds like she is seriously depressed (and from her past it sounds like it is warrented). From my own experience with depression: The last thing on my mind was sex. What she needs is your friendship. Someone to laugh with and talk to about everyday things. It sounds like you realize this though, maybe a little too late. I think you should give her the space she requested. I know this is easier said than done. But it sounds like she needs it, and you could prob use it too. I hope things work out for the best w/ you two.
Lucky_One Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I would strongly suggest going to Al-Anon (for people who love alcoholics). She is going through a LOT giving up alcohol, and I suspect that you were giving her enough stress that she was tempted to drink to drown that out. They can help you with coping strategies, and with seeing inside the alcoholic's thought processes. Going to the gym is a great thing for her. That raises endorphins which helps with the depression and with keeping off the booze. Being busy and healthy is a whole lot better than her spending those hours sitting in the dark by herself thinking.
Author toastman Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 thanks for advice.. will go to Al -Anon to speak.. in the meantime will give her space she needs .. just not sure if should cut contact entirely. maybe a text every few days to say hope u ok and nothing else.. or is that too much?? wish i knew the right thing to do!
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