Gottabestrong Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I desperately need your help in order not to make a big mistake. Last year I met a great guy and we hit it off immediately, after the first date he told me that he was seperated but headed for a divorce. I knew his wife was living across the country so I had no reason to believe he was lying to me, also once we had started dating, we were together nearly 24/7 and never were there any phonecalls or anything else suspicious that would have led me to believe his marriage was still ongoing. We dated for a few months, but then I had to move on for work. Recently I moved back and sent him a friendly email saying that I am back in town and asking if he wanted to catch up. We met up and both felt like no time had passed since I left. We started hanging out more and going on 3-4 dates per week with daily phonecalls and texts. Last week after another great date we were at his place and he started kissing me, I kissed him back but before I let him take it a step further, I asked him what was going on with his marriage. I had asked him before that night, but he had not said anything besides that he was still married. So now I asked him whether they were still headed for a divorce or not. He said something about how it would be hard for the children (they have 2 teenagers) and that therefore they were putting off the divorce for a few years. So I asked him whether that marriage was only existing on paper, or whether they were still acting as a couple when they were together. (He flies back to his hometown every 2-3 months). At first he said that he only flies back to see the kids, but then he admitted that they usually had sex when he went home. That really shocked me and so I said that I did not want to be "the other woman" and therefore we should only be friends and nothing more. He was not happy with the idea and said that we had not been together in the last few months, so he did not cheat on me when he slept with his wife, and if we were getting back together, he would not sleep with her anymore. I still said I would rather we only be friends, and he said that was okay with him. Only since then I have not heard anything from him and I have a feeling I am not going to. I don't know what is going on, whether he feels bad for me having found out that he is still married, or whether he was only interested in sex and nothing more, but I am hurting a lot now that he is ignoring me. I would do most anything to get back to spending time with him, even if my head tells me it would be wrong to start an affair. Please, talk some sense into me before I do something really stupid. After all, I don't want just an affair, and this can never lead to anything right??
sugarmomma Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Take it from me there is no future in loving a man that is connected legally or otherwise to another woman. Just wait until you meet a single guy that can meet all your needs. I fell in love with a guy who divorced his wife but moved back in after the divorce due to the kids (supposedly). I fiigured when I met him "oh well he's not married so he can leave if he wants". I also just wanted get in and get out if you know what I mean. Anyway, that was my first time getting in a mess like that and I would never do that again. I thought that I would not fall for him but I did because he is a very kind and loving man. Save yourself and be glad that he has not called. I would not get involved if I were you.
DayDreamer75 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Regardless of the fact that he may or may not be a great guy (according to your feelings) he is NOT available. he has kids and is "acting" together with his wife that he's still married. How would you feel when you are feeling depressed or lonely or simply sad and he will make a decision to spend the time with his family when you most need him? How do you think he's going to spend his holidays such as XMas, New Year's Eve and so on? Whom is he going to take the vacation with? As long as he's acting that he's married, you can't be allowed anywhere close to his kids and I am sure his wife knows nothing about you. So this is a very bad situation to be in. I think you did the right thing. I know you are hurting right now because you felt a connection with him. But this connection is NOT real. He will be spending with you only the time he has left over his other obligations. Do you still want to be with him if he hides you from his family and friends, if he can't spend his holodays with you and if his family is higher priority than you? Having said this, to me, it seems that this guy is not being truly honest with you. Something stinks here. I don't understand why he can't tell his wife about you if they are truly separated. Although, even if he were upfront and honest with all the people involved, there is still too much baggage, don't you think? He wants to have his dessert on the side while his kids are growing up. So, when will your feelings and needs become a priority? After how many years? Can you really wait that long?
Meaplus3 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 If the man is still married then nothing good can come from this. If he shows you signed and sealed divorce papers, then that's a different story. Your best bet is to stear clear of this MM to avoid a ton of hurt. And if he's such a great guy, then he would not be having an affair with you and still be married!! Think about that if you will. Mea:)
Lucky_One Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 You dont' need our help to keep from making a big mistake. Listen to your own language. "help" "big mistake" "is it ever ok" "It would be wrong" "really stupid" "shocked me" "other woman" "I have not heard anything from him since" "I am hurting" "I don't want just an affair" You really don't say much good about affairs, about this man, or about the type of relationship that he is willing to offer. Listen to yourself, listen to your guy, and listen to his actions. If you think it hurts now when he ignores you after just kissing him, just WAIT until he ignores you because it is Christmas or when you lose someone important or it is his birthday or his kid graduates after you have had sex with him - now THAT is unbearable pain.
LakesideDream Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 You dont' need our help to keep from making a big mistake. Listen to your own language. "help" "big mistake" "is it ever ok" "It would be wrong" "really stupid" "shocked me" "other woman" "I have not heard anything from him since" "I am hurting" "I don't want just an affair" You really don't say much good about affairs, about this man, or about the type of relationship that he is willing to offer. Listen to yourself, listen to your guy, and listen to his actions. If you think it hurts now when he ignores you after just kissing him, just WAIT until he ignores you because it is Christmas or when you lose someone important or it is his birthday or his kid graduates after you have had sex with him - now THAT is unbearable pain. In general I would say NO! However there are exceptions. I have known a man for 35 years (he's in his 80's now) who split with his wife 40 years ago, and built a complete new life without divorcing. His "GF" is fully aware. At first he remained married to cover his wife and 2 kids with insurnace (kids ready for college then) and to save money. He moved accross the country and still provides for them. He is fairly well to do (from work and real estate investments, bought a new house everytime he moved for work) for the past 15-20 years both his legal wife and his social security have gone to the legal wife. She lives in a house without a mortgage, and he still pays the taxes (minimal). His new gal is taken care of by cash they accumulated in the last 40 years. This situation worked for them. I suppose it depends on the situation, and there are exceptions to every rule. I consider him a fine and honorable man, and am honored by his friendship.
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 so he did not cheat on me when he slept with his wife, and if we were getting back together, he would not sleep with her anymore. I still said I would rather we only be friends, and he said that was okay with him. Only since then I have not heard anything from him and I have a feeling I am not going to. How could he cheat on you with his wife????? Anyway, OFCOURSE he is going to have sex with his wife, even if he tells you he won't. This whole situation stinks and I really hope you put your self worth above it all and move on. You don't have that much invested in him and also, you never really "had" him to begin with. He is married and has a family (kids) so don't try to compete with that UNLESS you're willing to be his side dish (the OW) and lose yourself, be hurt and alone.
2sure Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 He is married. He works out of town for long stretches. He goes home and resumes married life with his wife and kids - sex and all. Many MM have gf's when they work out of town in one location. He isnt even trying to tell you anymore that they are getting a divorce. He doesnt need to. Do you really believe he wont have sex with his wife if you tell him not to?? I mean, really. What on earth is he offering you except to be a FWB? Dont you want more for yourself? If not, then how about a FWB that is not cheating on his wife & kids? How about a FWB that cares enough about you to not involve you directly with betraying a family you dont know? Now look - because of the circumstances you can hardly feel guilty. And sure, you can miss the man. But be done with this, expect more for yourself.
Lizzie60 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Is it ever okay to have an affair with a MM? Yes it is..
2sure Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Lizzie - If both affair partners are ok with it , I suppose thats one way of thinking that its ok. BS's completely aside here, for the sake of the conversation. But for the most part, the OW/OM that come here have issue with it. So, they are not OK with it as is. If this OW goes into the affair , knowing the guy is married, and wants nothing more than FWB - in other words - nothing more than she is being offered - then fine. You are OW. I have been OW. I understand how/why some people are ok with that status . But you know as well as I do that most people do not have the mind set for it. You cant just accept the conditions, you have to enjoy them. This poster doesnt want to be OW - she wants more. She isnt going to get it. Further, for any OW to believe (or even listen to) the lies MM tell - proves she doesnt have the mind set for it.
Author Gottabestrong Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Hallo everyone, thank you sooo much for your replies, you are really helping me stay strong. You guys are all right, I definitely don't want to be just 'the other woman' but more, and it looks like he can't offer me that. But there is a part of me that thinks it would still be possible to be friends with him, and not just superficial friends, but friends who hang out a lot, talk, laugh, even hug. That is the part of me that is in love with him and wants to hang on to him any way possible. But I am also afraid that this friendship would not last long, I mean I am strongly attracted to him and really want to be more than friends, even though my head keeps telling me this is wrong. So my rational self is telling me that if we continue hanging out, it would probably lead to more than friendship down the line, unless he has changed his mind and only wants to be friends now. While my emotional self tells me that I can stay strong and we could really make it work as friends. Has anyone tried a thing like that in the past and was then really able to walk away, or am I kidding myself when I think I could go through with it? I just can't believe that I will never see him or talk to him again.
2sure Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I suppose that anything is possible. If you feel having him in your life just as a friend is important... and you feel you dont mind being hurt.... But the thing is - your MM hasnt called you since you suggested you dont want to be OW. So...does that say anything to you?
Lucky_One Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Friends is cool. So he will invite you to come to his house and meet his family for a nice July 4th barbecue? THAT is what friends do. Friends don't hide their friends' existence. Yes, you are fooling yourself. When you are sitting at your friends' apartment and he takes a call from his wife and tells her he loves her at the end, you will be gutted. He wants an affair. You do not. That does NOT translate into a friendship.
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 You cannot be friends with someone you are inlove with, someone you've slept with and go back to it being platonic and innocent. You two are not friends, you started an affair with a MM (or he allowed it) either way, it'll just be an emotional affair and also prevent you from ever healing and finding someone else. You are fooling yourself if you think you can have him in your life, hug and cuddle and have it mean nothing (to you)..
Awesome84 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 You are fooling yourself if you think you can have him in your life, hug and cuddle and have it mean nothing (to you).. I agree. IMO... I would never say that it is 'OK' perse... but I guess if the guy is already headed for a divorce and you two have alot of Chemisty (Mentally and Emotionally)... And he REALLY loves you..... then maybe it's ok to SEE him... but I wouldn't sleep with him or go into a full blown affair with him. I wouldn't even get into a relationship until he's divorced for real (on paper). And even then... it may take a couple of months for him to heal. In your case tho.... Gottabestrong... I think that this guy is playing you.
jj33 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Your title asks is it ever ok to have an affair but the facts are a whole different story. Im so sorry he lied to you. It is NEVER ok to have a relationship with someone who lies to you. He lied to you by leading you to believe that he was a court decree away from being a single man and that the marriage was over. Not true. End of story. It doesnt matter whether he may might wants to should dreams about or hopes to divorce. It also doesnt matter if he comes to you in a year and IS divorced. The fact is he decieved you and lost your trust. So sorry. A few years ago I met someone on line who was separated and allegedly heading for divorce. It only took a week of I am going on vacation with my wife and kids to keep the children happy for me to know that he was a bad seed. Your situatoin was not as blatant. But it happens. Just toss him into the bad boyfriend bin and move on. The scariest part of your post is "I would do most anything to get back to spending time with him". NO NO NO NO NO. Why would you want to spend time with someone who decieved you and then ignored you? Are you a doormat? No. Are you a masochist? unlikely intentionally. Are you turned on by being utterly humiliated by being treated like dirt and manipulated by him? I hope not. STAY AWAY. Post your heart out but keep your dignity. You are back and you expected to be able to pick up where you left off. You are grieving the loss of what you thought was a great relationship. Feel the pain but DO NOT go back. He is bad news. You know that or you wouldnt have posted. You MUST listen to your intuition. Anytime we override that, and do things that violate our core beliefs or engage in behavior that we feel degrades us (even if its fine and comfortable for someone else) we diminish ourselves. Dont do that to yourself. Your values are yours and they are good ones. DO NOT be fooled into "playing the odds" that if you hang in there he will somehow see how good it is between you. You NEVER have to show a man what he is missing or put yourself in a lesser position to win him. And this man is not worth winning. He decieved you. NEXT. Hang in there and post each time you feel like you want to call him. Edited to add: and I distinguish this from a BS hanging in there to save a marriage. You were not married you had a dating relationship. He lied no need to go back for more. The patient is dead there is nothing to save.
fooled once Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 do you really think YOU can just leave it as friends? If so, then sure, try to be friends. But, I think you are opening yourself up to a world of hurt.
Awesome84 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Please, talk some sense into me before I do something really stupid. I just have to ask.... what does 'something really stupid' in your mind... involve??
sky1200 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I would do most anything to get back to spending time with him, even if my head tells me it would be wrong to start an affair. I really hope that you're in the minority of today's women. It would be very sad to have a society full of women with such low or no morals. Knowingly speading your legs for a married man is just low! Would your parents be proud of you if they know what you do?
sparklemama Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Don't do it!You have to think that there is a reason that goes deeper than just "we are married for the children" If he doesnt live with his wife and kids then what is stoping him from divorce? i mean the children are suffering from the father not being their full time so the fact that they officially divorce will probably not shock the kids as they have probably been dealing with it for a while now.Also if he is with you why would he have sex with her?And what does he expect you to be ok with the occasional romp in the sack with his wife.He is staying with her for whatever his selfish reasons may be. Do not forget that he was not upfront with you from the beggining also he will be going back to his wife occasionally and you will never be able to stop him from seeing his kids so now everytime he goes back home to "see the kids" you will be wondering if he is with her "which he most likely he will be" Remember that you deserve better than that and if he doesn''t make you a priority then dont make him yours.You need someone who will be able to give you all of them with none of those obstacles in the way.
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