So here we are

[entropy]

Hi all. I've been reading this forum for a few weeks now.. some of you have some really great advice, and it's good to know others out there are going through this, too. I just wanted to post my story, in hopes of any advice or whatever, but also just to somehow get it out.

 

We had been dating for almost 3 years. Gone on trips together, hung out all the time, blahblahblah. This is our second year of college, and she transferred schools this year to be here. She graduated high school a year ahead of me, went overseas for ~semester just to experience it (while I was still in high school).

 

So we'd been dating three months, a world apart for three months. During that time she got confused, had a crush on some guy there. I was devastated, having spent a lot of money on calling and texts. Nevertheless, we stayed close. When we both went to college next fall (her an hour and a half away), she decided to take a break with me, the night before my first ever class. We were apart for around 3 weeks to a month, when she came to visit and everything was great again (she visited almost every weekend). Another big fight in January (she wasn't happy, but I also think she was crushing on someone). Then in April, I went home, and she hung out with an old friend of hers. They got drunk, ended up making out for a bit (not long, but she didn't pull away right away, either). So this year she transferred here, and is living about a block away. Everything was great, I mean really great. There was some rough times around November, but we stuck it out.

 

In February she told me she wasn't happy. She told me I stopped doing things like walking her to the bus stop or walking her home. It can be dangerous at night, so I feel like I should have more often, but sometimes I just needed a reminder to think about that. She'd get upset and say she shouldn't have to remind me, that it should be my first priority (her safety), and that's true. She said I didn't do any little things anymore, though for Valentine's Day, I made the entire week the most amazing I possibly could, writing and hiding little love notes for her to find, along with some candy or coupons for massages, picnics, etc, flowers at her work on Valentine's Day (even though we celebrated the night before since she had to be working). She had been losing interest in anything sexual for the last few months, which really hurt me, like she wasn't attracted anymore. I mean, we'd go a month or so of me trying and her turning me down. Even Valentine's Day, after bringing unexpected flowers and dinner to work, and an hour long, full body massage (oils, candles, music, hotpack, THE WORKS) she just fell asleep.

 

During this time I also started getting annoyed and frustrated by certain things. She was concerned about her weight and looks an awful lot (and she had already lost something like 30lb in a year, and was almost near "average"), and I told her how great she looked all the time. It never seemed to make a difference, and that really hurt. I also started feeling kind of stuck, and like I wanted to experience being single in college, though where I thought I'd get the confidence to chat up random women, I have no idea. Maybe this was just a symptom of feeling locked down.

 

She also turned 21 right before second semester, and obviously started going out to bars with friends. I was working on getting used to it (let's face it, it's hard to deal with when you're not able to join sometimes), but I think she changed a lot, too. When she got hit on at the bar, I know how good it made her feel. That hurt so bad, since I'd been telling her the same thing for years and it didn't seem to matter anymore.

 

We got into a big fight because I didn't feel like walking her to the bus one day (after she ASKED if I WANTED to). We decided (since we'd talked about not being happy a few weeks earlier) to break up. The next morning she came over and we decided to try again. A week later, another fight... this time for good.

 

Reading this again, it sounds like this relationship was ****. It really wasn't, it's just that the hard times are easier to remember now (which I think may have been her problem a lot of times, too). So now here I am, trying to figure out why we broke up, and missing her like hell. I know how she's coped with breakups before me (dating/making out with random guys, though she may go further now), and I'm almost positive she's been doing that now, judging by some of her messages to friends on Facebook and that she didn't deny it in a few texts. She's studying across the country next year, and I'm studying in Norway for a semester, so we'd be apart for a whole year, which I couldn't do, yet this is destroying me.

 

I can't help thinking of her being with someone else and it makes me sick. She recently had an interview for a summer internship, and I'm so happy and yet so hateful because of it. WHY? It doesn't make sense. The break up was at least semi-mutual, so why is this so horrible? Last Wednesday I could barely get out of bed, didn't go to class and hardly ate. Yesterday I felt really great, today has been a slow slide. How can I stop thinking of her? I get this vicious cycle stuck in my head where all I can do is think about her and me together and it just kills me. Sometimes I'd be so irritated about all the minutia of her day when I was with her, and now that's all I want to know about. I miss it

[EmperorR]

Ah the looking back, always hurts. I was the same, my ex was annoying her voice annoying always wanted to read out loud and make me listen and I hated it yet when she left I missed it alot.

 

Even if the breakupis mutual it still hurts, because you were with that person for so long and poof now there gone. At least now you can concentrate on yourself without any distractions etc.

 

And yes it does suck thinking of her with someone else, but that's life

[entropy]

Yeah, I know it. And I think we just ended up spending too much time together once she moved here. She suggested trying to distance ourselves a little bit (she worded it as "trying to not be so worried about each other") but we never got that far to try.

 

I've been trying to concentrate on myself. I've decided to start working out, take 2-3 hours a week to do something stimulating (reading, learning to draw), and take up photography again.

 

The real problem I think I'm struggling with is identity. She really brought me out of my shell when we started dating. I don't know what she saw in me then, but since then I've definitely changed into a new person, in almost every way. So I'm struggling to realize this new me without her, since I've always defined the "new me" inside our relationship (which, I'm realizing, was part of the problem), rather than something intrinsic to myself.

 

Edit: This "new me" I like a lot more, by the way. One thing I don't like is jealousy. I never used to be jealous, until after her hanging out with an old flame till late and me not caring (~1 year into the relationship). I honestly trusted her. She (and her mom!) said I should be jealous of that; it shows that I care. I didn't want it to, but that crept under my skin. And since then she's given me plenty of reasons to be jealous and/or suspicious. So that's one of the assets I really hate that she imparted to me. How does one go about eliminating these kinds of thoughts? I think if I learned to do that, I could learn (slowly, for sure) to not worry/be jealous of what she has going on in her life without me. Regardless, it is not a trait I'm fond of and will only harm future relationships.

[entropy]

I wonder if she stopped be sexually attracted to me because I started feeling too much like a brother to her or something? It could very well have to do with depression, as I know she's got some issues. But if it is the brother thing... how do you stop that? Being together for so long, I know her as well or better than she knows herself. That just happens. But how do you prevent from dropping into that "too close" (in a sense) zone?

 

I still miss her terribly. When we were together I do think I took her for granted too often. And yet, I'm not sure I could ever take her back now. She's hurt me so many times in the past, each time forcing me a little further away and building up my walls, and has taken so much of my dignity by me always taking her back. But I so much want it, in a sense. I really miss that soul-hug... friends are great, but that deep-down, from-the-soul hug is what I long for. I'm also going through streaks of missing her so so bad, and other times realizing that I don't miss her so much as 1) I miss having someone to hold and 2) I don't want anyone else to hold her. These are not the same as missing her, yet I can't help but associate it with her.

 

And this rainy, gloomy weather for the last two weeks doesn't help, either

[entropy]

I know this isn't getting any responses... but I really need some help.

 

After about a month of essentially no contact, I talked to her today. The breakup was mostly mutual, but that doesn't make it any easier on me, I promise. I've been feeling like some sort of closure or hope or something is needed... it just kind of ended suddenly without getting all the facts out.

 

Well, I asked her for coffee next week (ended up leaving a voicemail, wasn't going to press the issue if she didn't want to). She called me back and we talked for quite awhile.

 

I brought up, stupidly (NEED to learn to bite my tongue sometimes!), if there was a chance for us. She said there might be, but not soon. I learned that, about 1.5 weeks after we split, she got really really drunk in a city far away (visiting a friend, but went out with that friend's friends). She slept with someone. It was her first time. She doesn't remember most of it, but is pretty sure it happened. We waited three years and never had sex, and towards the end, she wasn't interested in that at all (most likely she was feeling quite distant, emotionally from me).

 

So right now I'm in shock, I think. I can't conjure up hate or sorrow or anything. It was such a good feeling talking to her again. Though I don't know if I can be with her, look at her, touch her the same way again, knowing she's lost what she has. Is that stupid/selfish of me? She really took a turn for the worse once that happened... her life hasn't been great since then. I know she hates it more than anything else in the world, that she ended up throwing that away on a drunken mistake.

 

So I just need some advice. Someone to say something to me. I don't even know what, honestly...

[Narf]

hello.. I dont really have any advice but i think you need *hugs*

It really really sucks what she did ... and i totally understand how your feeling, i think you need to focus on you now.

 

She isnt the girl you knew anymore, so take the new you and descover what other stuff is out there. I understand it is not easy, but surely finding out about her exploits has at least put a little fire in you to go live your life! She is not worth waiting around for and even if you did she has changed in your eyes...

[entropy]

Thanks Narf. I've realized that today. I think it will wash over me in waves, and the full impact of what she did will most likely come like a freight train in the near future. It's not so much that she DID it, but we that both of us were virgins together, kinda gave up the whole waiting till marriage bit, but never quite sealed the deal, I guess.

 

And now I feel like I would lose so much self-respect if I willingly gave that to her, after this. Pitying myself is not something I'm going for here - I feel so awful for her and what she must be going through (knowing her like I do).

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement . Though I still get bitch-slapped by my emotions sometimes, I feel like reinventing myself is going to be invigorating (if a bit traumatic at times!). Haha, I need hugs more than anything. There's truly nothing like a deep-down, heartfelt hug