AnthonyF Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I like reading him and listening to some of his podcasts (can fast forward). Yes maybe too much extreme sex questions, but certainly fresh interesting takes. Found this one open for discussion..... I hate to disagree, Dan, but you missed the mark when you wrote this: "When we marry, we're signing up to **** someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in ****ing? Don't marry." Dan, people marry for many, many reasons. Sex is only one of them, and sometimes it isn't even high on the list—or on the list at all. Family, friendship, stability, love, someone to grow old with, and on and on. Your surprisingly narrow description of what marriage means needs some rethinking. Thanks for your work, Cacilda Jethá, MD Answer/Response: I'm willing to concede that I left an important subordinate clause out of the sentence that riled you, CJ: "When we marry, we're signing up to **** someone at least semiregularly for decades, among other things..." Marriage can be about all the things you list, but so long as sexual exclusivity is presumed to be a part of marriage—a defining part, according to the right-wingers—spouses have a right to expect sexual activity within their marriages. People who are interested in marriage but not sex—people whose lists only include family, friendship, stability, love, someone to grow old with, and on and on, but not sex—need to inform their prospective spouses of their disinterest in sex before marrying, not after. As I've said a million times: If you don't think that sex is what marriage is all about, mostly about, or even partly about, if sex is something you can live without, that's grand. But you need to marry someone who feels the same way or inform your betrothed of your disinterest in advance. And if you lose interest in sex after you marry, but want your partner to stick around for the family and stability and friendship, I'll let you in on a little secret: The spouse is likelier to stick around if you give the spouse permission to get his or her sexual needs met elsewhere. It never ceases to amaze me how many people who aren't interested in sex—who consider sex to be trivial and unimportant—nevertheless deny their frustrated partners permission to do this trivial, unimportant thing with others.
cachaca Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 This is good stuff....common sense really...but when you put it on paper it just goes from something that "sounds right" to something that deserves to be discussed by the priest with the bride and groom before the vows.
Author AnthonyF Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 is that the original letter that sparked the response is below: My husband and I have been together for about four years and have been married for a little over a year. He's 31; I'm 27. We started out as friends and soon began a long-distance relationship, until I got pregnant. We have a great friendship, and honestly I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Here's our problem: I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he's practically asexual. The fact that we even got pregnant is quite shocking. Early on, it didn't bother me much—infrequent sex is common in long-distance relationships—but now that we're married, he would still rather jack off to porn. I'm not hideous. I'm in great shape, my "amazing ass" gets hit on all the time, and I'm an open-minded, porn- loving girl—but my husband isn't interested. LAME. The sex he does give me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary, and at most three times a year. But the solo sex he has in front of the computer while I'm at work happens three times a week at least. LAMER. Answer The topic has been discussed often. Especially after I go out with friends and come home at an indecent hour, upon which I must explain that I spent the night being chatted up by blokes who noticed my "amazing ass." He's admitted that his sex drive has been a problem in his previous relationships. I guess I'm just getting to the point where one of these days, I'm going to **** a minor-league soccer team. Any thoughts? Sexless And Desperate Your husband—who is beating off three times a week in front of the computer—is interested in sex, SAD. He's just not interested in sex with you or anyone else he's ever been with. But ultimately, the issue here isn't sex. It's about neglect and selfishness and false advertising. (When we marry, we're signing up to **** someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in ****ing? Don't marry.) Since he's unlikely to change his ways—his stunted, sexually selfish ways—you have just two options: an open relationship or a new relationship. Considering your compatibility and the fact that you have a child, I'd encourage you to stay together. So an open relationship it is—and he shouldn't have a problem with that. If sex doesn't matter to him, if he's indifferent to sex and/or you, then it shouldn't matter to him if you occasionally do this supremely unimportant thing with other people and/or minor-league soccer teams. So long as you're a good and loving partner and coparent, and so long as your family is your first priority, you should be free to seek safe, sane, and nondisruptive sex elsewhere. Added perk for him: no more quasi-forced sex with you. And who knows? Maybe knowing that you're having sex with other dudes—or just knowing that you can have sex with other dudes—will cause your husband to develop a bad case of sperm-competition syndrome (Google it), and the husband will be inspired, ****ing you three times a week instead of his fist. Who would have thunk this was the situation????
kakui215 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Dan Savage is right! The default in marriage is that the 2 of you have sex regularly (or, at least, "semi-regularly"). With that comes the mutual responsibility to ensure that you put real effort into satisfying your spouse. Marriages don't have to be that way, but no one should blame one spouse for being upset when he/she discovers after the marriage that their partner isn't interested in sex. It's primarily up to the partner with little to no interest in sex to communicate that clearly before the wedding, or -- if such attitudes/feelings develop later, to try his/her best to regain interest when it wanes. Of course, I realize that these general statements I've made certainly don't apply in all situations.
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