Pointers on the upcoming coffee meeting?

[IcemanJB]

Some of you know my breakup story, especially if you were ever in the breakup forum (missdependent, for one). I'll ask the question right away, and describe details after, in case you're wondering:

 

My ex and I agreed to get coffee this Saturday (she's treating me). Basically I DO NOT want to set up myself to get hurt here. I kind of regret agreeing to meet up, but I can't back out now. I haven't seen her face to face since November, although she claims to have seen me about a month ago walking around campus. Anyways, obviously there are still some feelings there, but I'm doing muuuuuch better than I was a couple months ago. Any advice as to how to prepare myself for this? I'm trying to minimize potential hurt here lol. I know my heart will race when I see her...the situation is a bit more complicated, so read on if you want to know more:

 

 

 

I'll say one of the main motivations for agreeing to meet up with my ex is my sister. She and my sis are close friends, living together starting this summer, and my sister and I are best friends. I hang out with my little sis all the time. I DO NOT want things to be weird for her if and when I'm over at their place. I haven't talked to my ex about this, but I'm willing to bet she feels the same way. Also, I have not mentioned this coffee meeting to my sister, as I'm trying to keep her out of it.

 

Anyways, the ex and I split last October. Honestly I don't know the exact reasons why. It wasn't because of cheating, or lack of feelings or anything like that. FYI, she's 20, and I'm 23 (as of today! ). I have never been even remotely as crazy about a girl as I was for her. She showed up one night at my house, just a complete mess. I knew immediately something wasn't right; I mean it took her like 15 minutes to calm down before she could complete a sentence. Finally she just starting saying a bunch of unconnected thoughts, started crying, and couldn't continue. This made me SUPER confused and a bit angry, so I kind of freaked and told her to leave. I asked her over a few nights later because I wanted answers.

 

It was more of the same; she made it about 30 minutes, then just cried in my arms the rest of the night; she mentioned a few times that she wanted to be with me, but couldn't. Finally I got a "I can't be in a rs right now", but that could mean a million things. Best I can conclude is that we are in fact at different points in our lives, and apparently that bugs her - I could be wrong though. She continued to contact me after that...until one night we randomly ran into each other at a bar (both sober), where it was clear we both were not getting over it. I emailed her telling her to not contact me until I did first. That lasted for 3 months, and THE DAY I planned to break NC with her (about a month ago), she texted me saying she saw me. Purely a freak coincidence that she said something about an hour before I was going to. Also, as far as I know she hasn't been seeing anyone. I've gone on a few dates, but that's it.

 

We are very different people, from how/where we were raised, to things like our political views. She was raised about a mile or two from the loop in Chicago; I'm from a tiny Wisconsin town. But we get along amazingly well. She can make me laugh whenever she wants, and I can do the same to her. She's awkward and a bit passive-aggressive, but in a really cute way. I think it's her defense in a sort of way. It doesn't phase me and I can get past that and really talk to her when I'm with her though. She has a way of making me not be my shy, reserved self. It's hard to explain.

 

Guess I'll wrap it up. Last week I stupidly emailed her suggesting we meet to catch up. Doh! It was early, I was groggy and not thinking clearly, but my motivation was my sister as stated earlier. She said she wants to but couldn't this past weekend, but suggested this coming weekend. Got a couple texts from her today at 2AM, wishing me happy birthday and saying she would treat me to coffee this weekend too. I said I'd text her when it got closer to Saturday...so that's where I am. So again: any advice as to how I avoid the hurt here? Obviously backing out is not an option; I HATE it when people bail out on me, so I don't do it.

 

Thanks everyone!

[loveslife]

Seriously, you don't have to go. It's okay to be not ready. That's not bailing out, that's being honest.

 

I suspect you're using the situation with your sister as a reason why you "have to" see your ex. It's kind of natural to do something like that.

 

It's really okay to be not ready to see the ex. Give yourself some time. Be honest with her and with your sister. If you go in this emotional state you will likely end up feeling bad. You're not ready.

[manugeorge]

Go on the coffee date, have a good time, come back home, hurt, cry, wake up the next day and continue life.

 

It's really not complicated, you want to see her, you're not over her, the part of your brain that wants to see her will not listen to the part of your brain that says you're not over her, we all know that. Read what you wrote, you are already talking yourself into seeing as if it's mandatory or something.

 

So I say just go, have coffee, experience your "set back" in getting over her and get back on the wagon the next day.

[IcemanJB]

Thanks for the responses guys! I agree and realize that I was basically trying to convince myself into going, making it sound mandatory like you said. After I agreed to it I realized my mistake, I even told my friend something like: "wow I'm stupid...I hope she flakes out". Don't think it's going to happen though. I think this is the first time I've EVER hoped a girl would flake out on me.

 

The thing is, it's kind of a fight with my pride as well. I mean it's been nearly SIX months since we split. I should be completely over her. Granted I'm doing great compared to the few months following the breakup.

 

But I truly mean it when I say I'm not going to stop hanging out with my sister because of the ex. I'm 100% sure that isn't an excuse to see my ex. My sister just means that much to me. Because of this there is no getting around seeing the ex in the near future.

 

I'm pretty much just looking for "damage control" here. I'll admit because of my pride and stubbornness that I won't back out of this one, even though I'd be fine not seeing her. Any suggestions of how I should handle the meeting/mindset I should take? Any curve balls she might throw my way?

 

Thanks again guys.