live_n_learn Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 First I'd like to say that I did something that I am not proud of but because of my past insecurities, I basically started reading her email occasionally. If I have not found anything suspicious the first time I did it, I probably would not have peeked ever again. However, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years still keeps in touch with her ex and on one occasion looks like she was making plans to see him (although I have no proof whether that ever happened). While talking about something unrelated about her ex I asked when was the last time she heard from him (or another previous ex of hers). She said it was more than 6 month that he contacted her which was a lie as at the very least they were in touch by email just a few weeks ago. Even though I’m very displeased that she would go or even attempt to meet with her ex behind my back I have not confronted her about it and since I stopped seeing any evidence of them being in touch after that and I just put this in the back of my mind. Now, however, I have a bigger fish to fry. I found out that she went to a networking event (part of her job) where she met someone who she enjoyed talking to and he asked to see her again. In the first email (to her mother btw), she mentioned that she wasn’t sure if this meeting was networking or social, but she went anyway. It became clear pretty fast that it was social and the guy started making a move on her and tried to kiss her. She turned away (as she said to her mother in the email) and subsequent email said that she now felt guilty and she should just break it off with that guy. Another thing I really didn’t like is that she said: “it’s hard to get to know someone casually if they’re trying to kiss you”, which says to me that she’s trying to explore her options and see if there’s something better out there. For about 2 months since then I haven’t seen any communication from her about this. However, suddenly I see her sending him an email that she would like to catch up on stuff and she asked if “they could make some time for a phone date”. When I checked her phone log a few days later, it confirmed that they spoke that same evening for an hour. A couple of days later I see an email from him asking her if they’re still on for a dinner which she said she’d rather do next week because she hasn’t been feeling well. So, my conclusions are: 1) she’s obviously not happy about something in the relationship and feels unsatisfied, or she lost interest. 2) She’s looking around for a replacement and just stringing me along until she finds it. 3) She’s disrespectful and she’s playing both me and the other guy. 4) She’s not willing to come to me and work on relationship concerns and rather chooses to explore other opportunities. All of this also after she made it obvious to me a few months before that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and have a family. Now, I understand that I violated her trust by checking her email and phone and that it was a wrong thing to do, not to mention unhealthy for a relationship and I’m not very proud of this, however, in the end I’m glad I found out sooner rather than later. I’m basically ready to break up with her over this and just wanted to get some comments from you guys if you think my assessment of the situation is correct and whether or not there’s nothing else left to do but end it. Otherwise, I think if I wait I’ll get hurt a lot more than I already am when she actually finds somebody new. Please let me know what you think. Sorry for the long post.
PandorasBox Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Sounds like you both have trust issues...You for checking her email, and her for trying to possibly go out with another guy and talking to them etc. Maybe you're both not ready for a relationship just yet.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Most definitely I'd end the relationship. She seems unfit for a long term committed relationship at this point for whatever reasons. Staying with her will only: 1. Keep you checking up on her, lack of trust right there 2. Possibly just force her to interact with more males or take what she's already doing further. Just doesn't look too good at this point, you have my opinion and that's to end it.
Trojan John Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I don't blame you in the least for checking her e-mail, but it's obvious that there can be no trust. Don't tell her that you checked it, or why you're breaking up with her (exactly), but try to break up amicably and quickly.
lostsunsets Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Give her one last test. Say to her, " honey if you thought your feelings for me were changing, you would come and talk to me wouldn't you". If she says "why do you ask?" or "of course I would". Simply tell her without saying another word then this "You're a liar and we're through". If she wants a reason tell her " As I said you're liar, and I can't believe a word you say. But just so you can feel justified in our ending this relationship, I checked your e-mail. I was wrong in doing that, but I was obviously right that you were or are planning on cheating on me based on what I found. I guess I knew in my gut something was wrong. Bye"
DunnoWhat Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Your instincts were correct and you have the right to check up on her from time to time. If shes nothing to hide then she can have no complaints. It's best to end it with her. Once a cheat always a cheat. Not always but people usually don't change much so it's likely she'll cheat again. She also thinks nothing of it as demonstrated by her talking about it to her mum. Her mum doesn't sound like much of a role model either. See it as having a lucky escape.
moman Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I don't blame you in the least for checking her e-mail, but it's obvious that there can be no trust. Don't tell her that you checked it, or why you're breaking up with her (exactly), but try to break up amicably and quickly. Second this, but instead of breaking up with her, call her and tell her it's over, hang up the phone, then refuse to talk to her in any way. This way she won't have any closure and will be shocked.
Bryanp Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have been as accepting as you? She clearly is looking for the next boyfriend. She is playing you and I think you know this. There is no point trying to be in a relationship with her if she has no problems doing what she is doing.
Art_Critic Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Girlfriend made a date with another guy Then in reality she is no longer your GF... Sorry....
jnj express Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I would at least confront her, based on the evidence you have, you don't have to tell her you looked at her e-mail, or anything else, just confront her. Find out why she is going out with other guys, what is she trying to prove. She does not have physical contact, but wants other company. WHY. If you don't trust her then do not stay with her, but do confront her and get some answers
Viking Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I would at least confront her, based on the evidence you have, you don't have to tell her you looked at her e-mail, or anything else, just confront her. Find out why she is going out with other guys, what is she trying to prove. She does not have physical contact, but wants other company. WHY. If you don't trust her then do not stay with her, but do confront her and get some answers This seems like very good advice. I would follow that. When me and my ex broke up, she was trying to figure out if she wanted to get back together or not and I saw her with some other guy a few times and I hoped she'd come back, but in reality, that's when I should have completely left.
voldigicam Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Things tend to be so much more complex than folks imagine. Can one person really fill every need of another? I ask myself every day when I start to stray and stop myself. There's always something that isn't fitting. What exactly can vary from time to time. What kind of a relationship are you intending? My first marriage I turned a blind eye to various activities. I figured that I would either have her there or not, and if she didn't want to be there, she'd go. I wanted her to be happy, even if that was with someone else. I just did all I could at the time to make her feel welcome. She eventually left, but it wasn't because I pushed her out. Unfortunately, there was some unpleasantness involved, that still pains me. Physically. But I lived. And I really think supporting her was the right thing. My current SO tends to get drawn into deep friendships with others. Online mainly. Or activities. In some key ways she ends up neglecting me. I simply keep invitations open and let her know she's welcome. Hugs. I don't pry (much) and I don't judge. That makes me feel better about things. If she suddenly wanted to "date" someone and see what it was like. Well. I'd probably want to know, but I don't believe I'd use coercion to stop her. How can stifling her help me? I know most people don't think this way and can't deal with such things. I know my SO doesn't think that way. She thinks she should be able to control my life. But not having others control hers is a main thrust of her being. So it's a bit odd. I suggest you look at you and see what you can be comfortable with. Get centered with that. Then have a discussion if you're calm and she is, or write a real loving letter if you're not good at discussions. I would tend to apologize for prying first. Then admit what you found and present your conclusions about what you're comfortable with, a bit uncomfortable with, and simply can't handle. For example, I could handle my SO kissing someone else passionately, even in my presence. Even if I'd prefer that it not happen. I don't think it will happen, but I can handle it. if it makes her happy. Probably an odd perspective. I tend to comfort and support, rather than condemn.
Jada Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 As for contacting her ex I wouldn't worry about that I talk to my ex still and have done for the two years he has had a girlfriend, he hides it from her but there is nothing going on between us. I'm not too sure what I would do in your shoes, it's obvious she's meeting guys but as from what she told her mum she's not looking for another relationship. You need to ask her clearly is she looking for a new relationship because if she is you need to leave, it's not fair on you.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Please let me know what you think. Sorry for the long post. Get rid of her, she is a fickle tart.
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