tkgirl Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 this happened over a month ago but I still can't seem to let it go... Here's my story: I started dating this guy over a year ago... got pretty intense pretty quickly and almost just a quickly it was over, but not before I had fallen hard! SIX months go by... and I'm still thinking about him... and out of no where he contacted me! It seems like we both were thinking about each other while apart.. he apologized for what happened the first time, saying it wasn't anything I did but that he was going through some weird stuff at the time. We start hanging out again, this time taking things much slower and getting to know each other more. I felt that things were going a little too slow but kept hanging back, letting him figure out his feelings for me. Well, after four months of this it's over again... A month or so later, he contacted me again... told me he missed talking to me and wanted to see. We talk for a bit but make no plans... AGGHH! Two weeks go by and then I get a text from him asking "what I was doing?" I decided to wait to respond because I felt he should put a little more effort into trying to see me. When I did respond..6 hours later.. he responded once but then that was it! Now another couple months go by and out of the blue I hear from him again. Told me he missed me, I say we should talk and he agreed. He asked when I was available and then told me he'd call me later.... a few days go and I still hadn't heard from him. By this time I had HAD IT and sent him a email telling him he can't keep doing this with me and to leave me alone. I mean, HE contacted ME, HE's the one that said he missed me... then he leaves me hanging? again? I still get angry thinking about it... Anyways! My question to you all is.. should I have been more patient with him? He obviously has issues about commitment etc. but I really did like him and enjoyed spending time with him. I never once asked for a commitment from him, so I don't know why he acted the way he did. I just wonder now if I had been more "patient" if we could have worked through this some how. The thing is I told him to never call me again and I don't think I can just take that back... without looking like a freak that is! I know I should let him go too... but it is hard. I really did like him a lot... So... anybody got any advice/insight for me? thanks!
2sure Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 It isnt you, it's him. Know that. it doesnt change anything and he is not going to fall in love with you...but He wants a FWB. Someone he can call once in awhile to receive some attention and ego boost. He is either like that with everyone OR is like that with you because he knows you cant turn him down. Nice ego boost for him. If you are OK with this - great. Relationships like that can be mutually beneficial.....but they dont turn into real relationships.
Lucky_One Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Is he married? (And are you SURE?) Or does he have a GF?
Author tkgirl Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 It isnt you, it's him. Know that. it doesnt change anything and he is not going to fall in love with you...but He wants a FWB. Someone he can call once in awhile to receive some attention and ego boost. He is either like that with everyone OR is like that with you because he knows you cant turn him down. Nice ego boost for him. If you are OK with this - great. Relationships like that can be mutually beneficial.....but they dont turn into real relationships. the wanting a FWB would make sense... IF he followed through with trying to get together. The thing is, he'll pop back into my life out of no where... says he misses me or wants to see me or whatever and then he seems to disappear again... BEFORE we even get to see each other. The other thing is that he was very respectful with me.. we waited a while to have sex togehter and some of the time when we'd get together that wouldn't even happen... I dunno... not that it matters anyways because I think I scared him off for good this time. But IF that's all he wanted was just to get into my pants then I guess it's no loss, right? But I don't think that was the case. I don't know what to think anymore.... I wish I hadn't reacted the way I did because now I'll never know...
Author tkgirl Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Is he married? (And are you SURE?) Or does he have a GF? no, I'm almost positive he isn't married... unless she lives in another state or something! I've been to his place a few times and he lives alone (with two cats! LOL) another girlfriend is a possibility... maybe he's playing both of us! I guess I was really hoping to get some feedback whether or not I overreacted... or was I justified in telling him to leave me the F alone? The thing is now I miss him and wish we could try again.... at least to talk or whatever... I feel like we left things unresolved...
Donovan Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 he doesn't want you. if he did he wouldn't keep playing with your emotions. i suggest you leave him and ignore him. we all keep in contact with our exes and i've been played a few times myself, but at the end of the day, i ALWAYS come out on top cuz make it up in my mind to ignore those no good pigeons for the rest of their lives. sounds like he calls u to have a lil fun and leave you a lone until he "needs" you again. he'll get his one day, and you need to ignore him when he finds someone he loves that plays him.
Biker2007 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 TK, I hate to see someone go through what you are right now. I agree w/ 2Sure...your X is keeping his options open by contacting you periodically. When you respond, he knows the hook is still set... The X that brought me here to LS did the same BS to me for a month. I would get text messages asking me to get together or if I still wanted to get together. I always replied w/ "just let me know when and where works for you". Then she would disappear...sound familiar? I thought I had found a very special woman, so it was hard to stop responding to her. But, I could tell she did not really care about me. So after her last feeble attempt to contact me via text, I finally just said "Goodbye". I often think of this quote from the movie The Last Kiss: "Stop talking about love. Every a-hole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts." Do your X's actions really say he wants to be with you? You deserve better!
D-Lish Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 It's a pattern- and he'll continue to reach out to you every once and a while until you say NO to it. It has nothing to do with you being patient, it has nothing to do with you at all. I've dated a few guys like this, that come and go over and over. Give up on this guy. The best way to end it is to be the one that ignores him for good the next time he contacts you.
Author tkgirl Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 TK, I hate to see someone go through what you are right now. I agree w/ 2Sure...your X is keeping his options open by contacting you periodically. When you respond, he knows the hook is still set... The X that brought me here to LS did the same BS to me for a month. I would get text messages asking me to get together or if I still wanted to get together. I always replied w/ "just let me know when and where works for you". Then she would disappear...sound familiar? I thought I had found a very special woman, so it was hard to stop responding to her. But, I could tell she did not really care about me. So after her last feeble attempt to contact me via text, I finally just said "Goodbye". I often think of this quote from the movie The Last Kiss: "Stop talking about love. Every a-hole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts." Do your X's actions really say he wants to be with you? You deserve better! thanks Biker! It's comforting to know someone out there can relate to what I've been through with this guy.. but at the same time I'm sorry you got hurt, too! I don't know what to think about this guy... I think his actions show that he is basically one F'd up dude that doesn't know what he wants. I believe that he did have feelings for me... not love but he did care... and I think there's a lot of stuff from his past that makes it hard for him to get close to anyone. The whole thing just makes me sad though still... I really did like him but I had to push him away... his actions were hurting me too much. The last things that we said to each other was him telling me I "deserved someone more together" than him... to which I responded "I'm not sure what I deserve... but what I want is to be with someone that knows he wants to be with me too" I guess that should be it.... a sad ending to a relationship that was never really going anywhere...
D-Lish Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 It's a pattern- and he'll continue to reach out to you every once and a while until you say NO to it. It has nothing to do with you being patient, it has nothing to do with you at all. I've dated a few guys like this, that come and go over and over. Give up on this guy. The best way to end it is to be the one that ignores him for good the next time he contacts you.
Author tkgirl Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 It's a pattern- and he'll continue to reach out to you every once and a while until you say NO to it. It has nothing to do with you being patient, it has nothing to do with you at all. I've dated a few guys like this, that come and go over and over. Give up on this guy. The best way to end it is to be the one that ignores him for good the next time he contacts you. Yea... thanks to you... and everyone else that responded... I realize now that I did NOT overreact! ...and now I know I just have to to let it go and move on. And I don't think he will try to contact me again... the last time I told him not to call me ever again. I'm pretty sure it's a done deal and I'm ok with that... he did have my heart but I deserve better!
Biker2007 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 TK, Perhaps we both jumped into our respective relationships a little too intensely (I am on the fence on this one). I know the first few months are always "perfect". I had an image of a "made for TV romance" or some BS running thru my head and lost my perspective. If I am honest w/myself, I saw some red flags early on but I got caught up in the physical aspect of the relationship. And as quickly as the relationship started, it began to unravel for me. My guess is the same as yours about my X...their past relationships probably caused some serious trust issues and when the relationship got intense, they freaked and went into protection mode. Who knows...? I guess basically, we both know a little more about ourselves when it comes to dealing w/ the tough part of relationships. Hopefully the next relationship for you starts intense and stays that way...
Author tkgirl Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 TK, Perhaps we both jumped into our respective relationships a little too intensely (I am on the fence on this one). I know the first few months are always "perfect". I had an image of a "made for TV romance" or some BS running thru my head and lost my perspective. If I am honest w/myself, I saw some red flags early on but I got caught up in the physical aspect of the relationship. And as quickly as the relationship started, it began to unravel for me. My guess is the same as yours about my X...their past relationships probably caused some serious trust issues and when the relationship got intense, they freaked and went into protection mode. Who knows...? I guess basically, we both know a little more about ourselves when it comes to dealing w/ the tough part of relationships. Hopefully the next relationship for you starts intense and stays that way... yep, I think you and I have a lot in common when it comes to these type of relationships... my relationship with this guy started off intense as well. He was very into me very quickly and I remember feeling like it was a little too soon... like what did he really want? But I too chose to ignore this red flag. The weird thing was that when it came time for us to become um..."more physical" HE was the one that backed off and wanted to take things slow. Told me how much he respected me etc... by then I was the one that was hooked! and yea, as quickly as things heated up they fizzled again... What I still don't get is why he came back after SIX MONTHS?!! and the connection was still there for both of us... we dated again and got closer but then he bailed... then he keeps trying to come back... then... you know the story! I can't help but think about him still and wonder what that was all about.. and if I'm going to hear from him again. Like I feel like there's something there still that maybe neither of us understand.... the way he keeps popping up in my life and I keep thinking about him...
Biker2007 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 What I still don't get is why he came back after SIX MONTHS?!! and the connection was still there for both of us... we dated again and got closer but then he bailed... then he keeps trying to come back... then... you know the story! I think this is just him keeping his options open if you let him... Like I feel like there's something there still that maybe neither of us understand.... the way he keeps popping up in my life and I keep thinking about him... I had/have the same feeling. I see her around town, but we have not spoken in about 1.5 yrs. I normally don't linger on things this long, but I never really felt that intensity for someone either. Definitely messed w/ my head or heart. My only advice is if he continues to pop back into your life, you may have to let him know to back off...or if he is really serious about you, you would hear from him, "that he made a terrible mistake(s) and wants you in his life and will do whatever it takes". Even then, I would be a bit apprehensive. I used to wish to hear the latter from my X even though I tell most of my friends to not try 2nd chances w/ Xs... For now, I think all we can do is focus on ourselves and looking forward.
Author tkgirl Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 I think this is just him keeping his options open if you let him... I had/have the same feeling. I see her around town, but we have not spoken in about 1.5 yrs. I normally don't linger on things this long, but I never really felt that intensity for someone either. Definitely messed w/ my head or heart. My only advice is if he continues to pop back into your life, you may have to let him know to back off...or if he is really serious about you, you would hear from him, "that he made a terrible mistake(s) and wants you in his life and will do whatever it takes". Even then, I would be a bit apprehensive. I used to wish to hear the latter from my X even though I tell most of my friends to not try 2nd chances w/ Xs... For now, I think all we can do is focus on ourselves and looking forward. yep biker, you DO know what's up.. I definitely felt like he would check in with me, to see if I was still an "option"... but what I don't get why he would say the stuff he did, only to not even follow through with seeing me. I did call him on it the last time... told him can't keep doing this to me and that's when he said he'd leave me alone. He's messed up... it makes me sad because I really do think he and I could be good together, but he just can't seem to let go and let that happen. I just keep telling myself if it was really meant to be, it would have happened already! So what I'm learning now is that I just have to keep loving myself and that's a good thing! and I know that someday the right one will come along and it won't be so much work... we will BOTH know what we got is a good thing! You will find that too, Biker... I know it! Thanks so much for all your kind responses!
Biker2007 Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 we will BOTH know what we got is a good thing! Yeah...that is what I am looking for! It's a nice thought to know that it could be out there.
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