famke Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 hello everyone, I am posting this thread here, because I read alot of great advice from people like geishawelk, kizik, bcca on this part of this forum. I feel like my whole life I've been looking for approval from guys. I want guys to like me.. my looks and my mind. I can't be myself around guys other then cousins, my brothers and my guy-friends (who are gay). I always want to be this great person, I want man to be interested in me. I know that the reason for this is my relationship with my father. I always wanted him to like me just the way I am. I feel like he always judges me, and he still can't accepted me as I am. He always wanted me to change. I never felt and feel that he loves me. I told him that but he just cant change. He doesn't see what he does to me. Therefore I am looking for love somewhere else. I am only 19 years old and I've had my heart broken several times. My last relationship went crazy. I wanna change my pattern of behaviour with guys, I bassically just wanna be happy. love myself for who I am. I don't want to need a guy. I wanna be a happy single. just living life.. travel the world. FEEL FREE! but.. How do I do that? I'm still want a relationship. I hate being single. I am really naive and stupid with guys.. thinking that they like me for who I am.. I get obsessed with those guys.. start to really care for them. when in fact every guy I meet just wants to have sex with me. It's so frustrating!! How do I stop looking for approval from guys? How do I start enjoying my life without guys? ps: I'm sorry for my bad english. It's not my first language.
carhill Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 OP, the lesson life will teach you is that men are not your father. Once you accept that and his behaviors and perspective for what they are, even if not healthy for you (accepting that will help you as well), then you can move forward with an open mind and heart. FWIW, overwhelmingly, young men your age do only want interaction with young ladies for one reason and you guessed it correctly. Try dating older guys (late 20's) and see if there is any difference in perspective. Also, gauging a man's commitment to his family can indicate his maturity level and interest beyond sex. Tell me, is there something you'd like to experience, right now, that all this is holding you back from? If so, tell me about it.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Famke, every single person on this planet enjoys approval to an extent. No one can live with solely negativity or zero approval. Anyone who believes they can do so, is in denial or will isolate themselves, creating make-believe worlds in their head. Having said that, it's the level of approval each person requires, that allows them to move ahead in the direction they want to go. If you allow everyone's approval or negativity to drive you, you're going to be all over the map and either going nowhere, or going backwards. The only person who should drive you, is you! Maybe it's time to accomplish something major, something that you've done by yourself. Or maybe it's time to look at what you've accomplished and get some satisfaction from it, whether it's helping someone in need, being kind to people in general, doing well in school, doing well in a particular subject, etc. Look to what you have accomplished, not what you haven't. Of the things that you haven't accomplished, what do you honestly want to do and for that matter, what do you need to do or are willing to give up, to get there? Everything in this world comes with a price. The more you build your core person, the more you're going to have something to ground to, something to believe in, which needs to be YOU! Once you've done this, external approval is a nice to have, not a self-definer or constant need, regardless if it's gender-based or not. Btw, don't get too wrapped up in the "boys wanna' have sex" thing. It's true, they do...so...the good thing is that YOU have the choice to accept the boys YOU wanna' have sex with. If he brings nothing to the table, he's not the person to bond with. Bring it to the table and leave it on the table. No games, no b/s.
Thomas X Forever Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 As someone posted earlier in this topic, approval must come from yourself. You are overcompensating on insecurities by looking for approval from others. You are trying to bypass your own personal doubts by getting approval from others. You are feeding off approval, which leads to narcissism/narcissistic supply. Google it. Stay away from it. Seek help from a professional who can listen to you for hours and determine why you have these self esteem issues that you MAY NOT EVEN REALIZE YOU HAVE. You have to get to the bottom of it. It would be my opinion that maybe you were made fun of growing up? Or perhaps people make simple comments not intending to be cruel, that bother you about yourself.
sally4sara Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Try keeping a journal. Everyday you can list the things you did that made YOU approve of you. Also list the times you found yourself thinking "I wonder if ____ would like it if I ______." When you catch yourself planning things for someone else's approval, STOP. Go do something else. Its not that you should never wish to make someone else happy, its just that you know you do that too much already. I would NOT go looking for older guys just yet. You know you have a tendency to seek male approval and you will likely get targeted by guys who wish to manipulate that quality for their own gain. Some older guys seek younger girls simply because they think they will have the upper hand and not because of any quality the girl actually possesses. Try instead to go on a "guy fast". Decide now how long you wish to not date anyone and stick to it. Then decide how long you wish to date casually (two to three guys with honesty and paying your own way) and stick to that. This way you'll learn to make decisions for your own best interest first before entering into any relationship. Above and beyond all else, stay away from guys who already have a GF or wife anywhere in their lives. Because you seek your father's approval, you are easy prey for taken men. You will want them to not just approve of you, but approve of you OVER someone else. Don't fall in that trap.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Work on your female friendships. Any positive reinforcement you get from them you know is genuine.
Tryng2Trust08 Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 I agree with Ruby....I have stuck with my girlfriends and Im staying away from any kind of new relationship with a guy, they are too complicated for me. Take some time for yourself and sort some things out before getting into the dating scene.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 ^ Yep. My two closest friends right now are both single, and we all became single around the same time. We tell each other our boy stories, and it really illuminates men's patterns, the tactics they use and mistakes they make. It's SO easy to see what someone else is doing wrong. I can be totally clueless about my own mistakes sometimes, but a friend can call you on your stuff, and you can do the same for her. A good friendship is SO valuable, because a friendship in which both of you treat each other right and have each other's backs will be there for life. That's not something you can say about many romantic partners. They have a way of coming and going. A true friend will always have your back
Thomas X Forever Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Lol you think MEN are complicated and have patterns? I could devote the rest of my life trying to psychologically and social scientifically understand women and get NOWHERE. They define complicated.
carhill Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 A good friendship is SO valuable, because a friendship in which both of you treat each other right and have each other's backs will be there for life. That's not something you can say about many romantic partners. They have a way of coming and going. A true friend will always have your back Ah, romance is inherently narcissistic and selfish, yes? Or, more likely, many such people embark on romances with other people they would otherwise *not* be friends with. Attraction clouds who has whose back
era Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I get obsessed with those guys.. start to really care for them. when in fact every guy I meet just wants to have sex with me. It's so frustrating!! Hi famki... I had the same problem when I was around your age. You can't expect to draw good guys who are kind, confident, and devoted to you, if you are thinking and acting in a desperate, obsessive manner. Self-worth comes from the self, not from approval of guys.
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