not sure if its over or not - long distance

[joop]

Thank you for reading and your advise guys, this might be a long post but I will try to keep it short and as descriptive as I can.

 

We met almost ten months ago, she was over here travelling for a year and we met in last two months of her trip. We hit it off straight away, spent loads of time together doing things, talked about her travels, and told her about my travel plans for next year. It was just very intense, feelings started to develop and eventually fell in love. We even went to another country together for a week and she also extended her stay for a week (couldn’t extended any longer due to various reasons like family, money, job, visa etc). So things were great, but eventually she went back home.

 

For the next 5 months it was a long distance thing, we both were still in love and in contact quite a lot, sms, ph (you dont want to know my ph bill), emails, skype etc (still intense) and talked a lot about future that what we going to do, when we going to meet again etc. So next thing, I had some time off over xmas and suggested that I could come over and visit her. At first she was bit reluctant about it, and said she isnt sure how it would be when we meet again after 5 months, bit strange, but then later agreed and I went over for two weeks. She was literally very excited to see me again, she organised everything and during those two weeks we talked alot in general and about the future, we had a great time (that's what I atealst think). We did argue as well a couple of times over little things, but everything was fine at that time. She didnt say anything about it till I was there but those things were just stuck in her head and thats where things started to tumble.

 

I came back after two weeks (didnt want to), was so miserable so was she. Things were still ok until two weeks after I came back, and soon I started talking about future again and told her my future plans that how about if I come over again to be together, since I was going travelling anyway, and spent few months together to see if it works and if we have a future, thats when she started panicing and at first she will say, I not sure about it, its a big step, I dont want you to leave your life behind to come over, in case it doesnt work, you need money, there are no jobs, etc etc. But I tried to convince her that I have enough money, will find a job and if it doesnt work, I'll carry on with my travelling and we both have nothing to loose and at-least we tried. We talked over and over and over about it, but didnt get anywhere, and later on she slowly slowly started telling that when I was there, we didnt get along well, we argued, we didnt connect and she feels that I didnt have a good time when I was there (which I disagree), and she still loves me, but her feelings have changed and they are not as strong as they were b4. But yet she decided to give it a shot and said lets leave everything as is (long distance), we will give it try and see how we go and if my feelings change.

 

So for last two months, we were back again, talking a lot about future, her feelings, basically same things over and over but didnt get anywhere, rather I think she found that very intense, felt pressured and every time we talked about it she got stressed, angry and stopped talking about it. We both were absolutely mess and couple of weeks ago, we were yet talking about it again, she got stressed, angry and end the conversation. Next day she send me a text and said she still loves me but her feelings are not strong enough and she is afraid of me coming over, she is sorry for treating me bad and hurting me, and she thinks we dont have a future together.

 

Devastated as you would expect. That was ten days ago, and I have not contacted her since, nor has she. Just because I wanted to give her and my self some space to figure out things (maybe its too late?). But its been hell, I just can not stop thinking about her no matter what I do and how hard I try to keep my self busy.

 

Is that it do you think? since we have not officially called it quit, how do you analyse the situation?

 

How should I approach things from here, since its all up in the air?

 

Do you think I should call/txt/email her? (she might not contact at all and wait for me to contact since she txtd me last and I didnt get back to her) not to talk this again but in general? if so, what should I say? Or should I maintain no contact for a little longer if thats gonna get me anywhere?

 

I've not been able to stop thinking about her, and its affecting me and my life big times, and so tempted to call her.

 

Would really appreciate any advise on this.

[Truly Lost]

I don't want to be a downer, but its a long distance relationship. I don't know how they can work. Its nice to meet someone you like, but distance and timing is something you have to consider. She probably wants the relationship to work, but needs more than a phone call to say what you two have is real. LDR's are difficult and quite often end up going nowhere. You said you wanted to give her some space by not calling, but thats ironic. Thats the very problem.

 

I've had a LDR before and it didn't work. I couldn't take it as seriously as a real hands on relationship. My feelings were strong, but I hated not being able to hold or touch this person. All I could do is talk on the phone (my phone bill was outrageous, and a little bit of a turn off). It got me really depressed. I didn't want to stop communicating, I wanted to be with him, but again, I couldn't look into his eyes, or have sex spontaneously, nothing. If I was sad, I couldn't drive down the street to see him and have him hold me. Instead I dialed a number. No amount of talking could replace what I really needed. Ugh! I couldn't keep it up. Finally, making time to call got very inconvenient and my ever growing insatisfaction with the relationship caused it to fizzle out. I'm not saying this is how your relationship is going, but perhaps she is seeing the realistic side of a LDR.

[joop]

You said you wanted to give her some space by not calling, but thats ironic. Thats the very problem.

 

Thanks Truly, how do you mean by thats the very problem?

 

I agree with you that she is trying to be realistic, rather very realistic and (I think) over analysing things, that could be -ve at times. Also agree that LDR can never be like a real relationship, but thats what I'm trying to change by making an effort and sacrifice to go over to be together and see if we have a future, and thats what she is afraid of, which I dont get it.

 

And not sure where to take things from here or how to approach?

[northstar1]

Thank you for reading and your advise guys, this might be a long post but I will try to keep it short and as descriptive as I can.

 

We met almost ten months ago, she was over here travelling for a year and we met in last two months of her trip. We hit it off straight away, spent loads of time together doing things, talked about her travels, and told her about my travel plans for next year. It was just very intense, feelings started to develop and eventually fell in love. We even went to another country together for a week and she also extended her stay for a week (couldn’t extended any longer due to various reasons like family, money, job, visa etc). So things were great, but eventually she went back home.

 

For the next 5 months it was a long distance thing, we both were still in love and in contact quite a lot, sms, ph (you dont want to know my ph bill), emails, skype etc (still intense) and talked a lot about future that what we going to do, when we going to meet again etc. So next thing, I had some time off over xmas and suggested that I could come over and visit her. At first she was bit reluctant about it, and said she isnt sure how it would be when we meet again after 5 months, bit strange, but then later agreed and I went over for two weeks. She was literally very excited to see me again, she organised everything and during those two weeks we talked alot in general and about the future, we had a great time (that's what I atealst think). We did argue as well a couple of times over little things, but everything was fine at that time. She didnt say anything about it till I was there but those things were just stuck in her head and thats where things started to tumble.

 

I came back after two weeks (didnt want to), was so miserable so was she. Things were still ok until two weeks after I came back, and soon I started talking about future again and told her my future plans that how about if I come over again to be together, since I was going travelling anyway, and spent few months together to see if it works and if we have a future, thats when she started panicing and at first she will say, I not sure about it, its a big step, I dont want you to leave your life behind to come over, in case it doesnt work, you need money, there are no jobs, etc etc. But I tried to convince her that I have enough money, will find a job and if it doesnt work, I'll carry on with my travelling and we both have nothing to loose and at-least we tried. We talked over and over and over about it, but didnt get anywhere, and later on she slowly slowly started telling that when I was there, we didnt get along well, we argued, we didnt connect and she feels that I didnt have a good time when I was there (which I disagree), and she still loves me, but her feelings have changed and they are not as strong as they were b4. But yet she decided to give it a shot and said lets leave everything as is (long distance), we will give it try and see how we go and if my feelings change.

 

So for last two months, we were back again, talking a lot about future, her feelings, basically same things over and over but didnt get anywhere, rather I think she found that very intense, felt pressured and every time we talked about it she got stressed, angry and stopped talking about it. We both were absolutely mess and couple of weeks ago, we were yet talking about it again, she got stressed, angry and end the conversation. Next day she send me a text and said she still loves me but her feelings are not strong enough and she is afraid of me coming over, she is sorry for treating me bad and hurting me, and she thinks we dont have a future together.

 

Devastated as you would expect. That was ten days ago, and I have not contacted her since, nor has she. Just because I wanted to give her and my self some space to figure out things (maybe its too late?). But its been hell, I just can not stop thinking about her no matter what I do and how hard I try to keep my self busy.

 

Is that it do you think? since we have not officially called it quit, how do you analyse the situation?

 

How should I approach things from here, since its all up in the air?

 

Do you think I should call/txt/email her? (she might not contact at all and wait for me to contact since she txtd me last and I didnt get back to her) not to talk this again but in general? if so, what should I say? Or should I maintain no contact for a little longer if thats gonna get me anywhere?

 

I've not been able to stop thinking about her, and its affecting me and my life big times, and so tempted to call her.

 

Would really appreciate any advise on this.

 

Sorry to hear about this man. I was in a relationship that became an LDR (very far one) and it just couldn't be sustained. Both of us just realized we couldn't maintain something for so long and so far away (we're talking across the globe).

Not everyone is geared for an LDR and that is why a lot dont' make it, many cannot sustain it without the human contact on a regular basis.

It sounds like she is having those fears.

 

When you became an LDR did you agree to exclusivity? It is possible she has been dating anyone else, or did you both maintain a committment?

[joop]

When you became an LDR did you agree to exclusivity? It is possible she has been dating anyone else, or did you both maintain a commitment?

 

Oh yeah, we did agree and maintained the exclusivity and commitment, and didnt see or date anyone else. We use to chat number of times every day, and we both knew exactly what we were up to and been doing. Had complete faith and trusted each other.

 

I did even ask her a number of times if she has met anyone else or dating, and she got really angry and said NO WAY, I have not met anyone else or dating, I'm too f***d in the head to even think about it. So I doubt that she has.

 

Even though she has a massive social network and loads of friends, and she goes out on regular basis, catching up with friends and out and about doing things.

 

I really want to talk to her, missing her like hell, but not sure if I should contact her or not.

[Truly Lost]

Thanks Truly, how do you mean by thats the very problem?

 

I agree with you that she is trying to be realistic, rather very realistic and (I think) over analysing things, that could be -ve at times. Also agree that LDR can never be like a real relationship, but thats what I'm trying to change by making an effort and sacrifice to go over to be together and see if we have a future, and thats what she is afraid of, which I dont get it.

 

And not sure where to take things from here or how to approach?

 

I think you going "no contact" will be an eye opener for her, but it won't change the fact that you are far away. Maybe she has been out with her friends and witnessed other couples being close. That hurts to see when you have someone you care deeply for but can't get that from. Her only recourse is her cell phone. This is where reality sets in. I know you understand what I'm saying and trying to take steps to change that, but perhaps the level of commitment you have for the relationship is scary to her. Maybe she has accepted that your relationship is only at phones reach and maybe has come to terms with that. It would be a big change for you to go from phone conversations to being around all the time.

 

Maybe she is worried that the passion of the relationship was driven by the fact that you both are far away from each other.

 

Since you are far away it puts you in a position with limits. If you were to change that and be around all the time it introduces "commitment" and some people don't want to accept that easily.

 

Its almost like a marriage proposal. That might sound extreme and stupid for me to say, but If you were to make sacrifices to be with her she might feel obligated to you for it. I don't think she wants to be forced into that. That why I hate LDR's. There are too many hidden feelings you can't see and can't predict.

[joop]

Agree and you raised another good point of "commitment", and this certainly is one of the reasons, even she said as well that "me coming over is going to put lot of responsibility on her, she would feel obliged and pressured to keep things going, it will affect her social/normal life, she needs to sort out few other things as well in her life, and it will be a big commitment and she isnt sure if she is ready for that".

 

But again this could also be because this is her longest relationship (10months) ever and she is in her early 30s, so she is definitely worried and afraid of commitment. I even said that to her, me coming over doesnt mean she has to change her life completely, she can still continue doing what she is now these days, we will take things slowly without any pressure or responsibility and see how things go.

 

I know its a big thing, you have doubts and fears, you are scared, but my point is, if you dont give it try to see whats it like and if it'll work or not then how would you know? if you keep on running away from it then you might be single all your life?

 

What you guys suggest about me contacting her?

[joop]

She has not made any contact either yet, maybe waiting on me? maybe not. So should I take its over?

 

This is the longest we've been out of contact and I'm not coping well, thinking to either txt or call her, what you suggest? If you think I should, what should be the better way?