How do you cope when you know its your fault?

[jessy1]

Heya

 

I have been having a bit of a sad time recently

 

I meet this guy maybe 6 years ago.We were love at first site.We spent every waking moment together and I had never been happier. This guy was the 'one'.

Of course as im guessing you all expected when broke up. This happened about a year and a half ago and we have been NC since.

 

I have met enough males on this planet to know this guy was the one. He was perfect and everything I ever wanted. I was the same to him.

However I stuffed everything up.

His parents and friends hated me so I became very distant with him, I constantly picked fights over it and in general I was an awful gf.

I never cheated or anything like that but I was a terrible, horrible gf.

 

He held on for a while as he loved the old me and I guess he couldnt figure out what was going on.

I just carried on being an absolute horrid gf and I honestly believed I was doing nothing wrong and I thought we would never break up.

In the end he left.

 

Suddenly it hit me what a horrid gf I had been and I begged but he would take no more. I had hurt him to much with all the arguing etc.

He got a new gf the next day and never once spoke to me again.

 

I went throught hell, I REALLY felt the pain and guilt. I lost 15kilos from stress and would spend all day just crying then vomiting from stress. I could not forgive myself and tried to take my life twice.

 

Now im though most of the pain but deep down today I still know I let the one go as im such a screw up.

I have never met anyone like him and know I never will.

I will NEVER forgive myself for being a bad gf.

 

Still a year and a half later I go through each day feeling sad and missing what I once had. I will never be able to forgive myself.

I changed to a whole new person after going though what I did but what is the point of that now?

 

The last I hear of him he was happy and had a new gf. I truly want him to be happy.

 

I know now that I will never met anyone like him.

I know I have had my chance but blew it.

I feel I will probably be alone for the rest of my life

 

I would give anything for him to come back still 1.5 years later but I know that will never happen and to be honest I dont think id allow himm to date a screw up like me.

 

So the question is how do I cope knowing I stuffed everything up?

How do I cope knowing I had the 'ONE' but lost him?

 

I havent seeen him for 2years and havent spoken for 1.5yrs

 

In general I have falt sad everyday since and for some reason its starting to get stronger again

[sedgwick]

I understand exactly how you feel. My ex broke up with me for not having the right career (i.e., the same one as his -- he's a musician and I'm a dancer/writer.) Talk about feeling like a failure and like it's all your fault. I was taking music lessons when we met but could really only afford that or dance classes, so I had to go with dance classes because I'm in a company. I feel I should have known how important it was to him that I continue music lessons.

 

I honestly think I was an amazing gf in all other ways, but I have beaten myself mercilessly for almost two years over having let him down with the music. I feel like I wasted his time and I feel SO SO guilty for that.

 

So I know how it feels when a breakup is your fault. I'm sorry you're going through it too. It really sucks.

[Biggie25x]

Sedgwick, or he could have embraced your dance as something you love. I hope I don't overstep but to me dance and music complement each other and feed off each other. That seems like a shallow reason to break up with someone. I hope you aren't still beating yourself up about that. You have to be able to do what you love in a relationship too.

[JLee26]

This relationship was perhaps not how you wanted it to be, but it was something you needed. Clearly you have learned some valuable lessons, and can take these lessons on to be a better you. Yes he may have been the one, but the one to teach you about yourself not the one to spend your life with.

 

An ex that has taught you so much about yourself is a wonderful thing, you can now go on with a clear head and an awareness of yourself that will lead to a wonderful healthy relationship in the future.

 

I do not believe that a relationship with your ex would be worth while, to many old feelings. it sounds as though you need to open yourself up to a new love, a new "ONE" and this one can truely be the love forever, white wedding, doves cooing, wistful romance you need, not the stepping stone the ex was.

 

While he was wonderful, as your dipiction of him states, he was not there when you needed to do your growing. he left you while you were down and did not give you the helping hand to pick yourself back up. that is why i am calling him your stepping stone. A true "one" will be there to lift you back up and to walk with you as you discover all the ins and outs of yourself.

 

Time to get over and move on, your clearly ready, and it is time to spread those wings and fly with confidence.

[loser101]

I understand exactly how you feel. My ex broke up with me for not having the right career (i.e., the same one as his -- he's a musician and I'm a dancer/writer.) Talk about feeling like a failure and like it's all your fault. I was taking music lessons when we met but could really only afford that or dance classes, so I had to go with dance classes because I'm in a company. I feel I should have known how important it was to him that I continue music lessons.

 

I honestly think I was an amazing gf in all other ways, but I have beaten myself mercilessly for almost two years over having let him down with the music. I feel like I wasted his time and I feel SO SO guilty for that.

 

So I know how it feels when a breakup is your fault. I'm sorry you're going through it too. It really sucks.

 

eh? your ex dumped you because you would rather be a dancer than a musician? you think it's your fault that you would rather do your own thing than being a copy-cat? wow

[nature]

Jessy what do you mean you "stuffed everything up"? I do not understand.

 

Do you mean that you pushed him away? Did you act like you did not care about him? Did you take him for granted, thinking he'd always be there for you no matter how you treated him?

 

Please elaborate so I can understand better.

[sedgwick]

Sedgwick, or he could have embraced your dance as something you love. I hope I don't overstep but to me dance and music complement each other and feed off each other. That seems like a shallow reason to break up with someone. I hope you aren't still beating yourself up about that. You have to be able to do what you love in a relationship too.

 

I don't know if I'll EVER stop beating myself up. I have SO much guilt, and I'm way too scared to meet anyone new because I'm afraid I won't be good enough for them either. And yes, I do think dance and music are complementary; I perform with live musicians all the time. I was always trying to get him to practice with me, to play bass while I bellydanced, but he was always too busy and would rather hang around old toothless guys with fiddles. All I ever heard was how the greatest thing anyone could be in the world was an old-time fiddle player. I've kind of come to believe guys aren't interested in bellydancers, and it makes me ashamed to go out except for when I have to to perform.

 

I've been through a lot of therapy in the last two years, and it has helped a little. But I'm still terrified to go out into the world any more than I have to, and I'm definitely too scared to meet someone new. I don't want to do to anyone else what I did to him.

 

eh? your ex dumped you because you would rather be a dancer than a musician?

 

Yes, that is the only reason I was ever given.

[Biggie25x]

jessy1, you get over it by realizing you're NOT the only one at fault. It takes two to make it work and two to make it not work. He had his part and his mistakes that he'll have to live with, and I bet if you think really hard you could name a few.

 

Learn from your mistakes and grow as a person. This ensures you won't repeat the same mistakes next time. And there will be a next time as there are many "ones" out there. No matter what you may think now. I have to and do believe that.

 

I am going through the same thing as my STBXW decided to throw in the towel after 7 years of marriage. It sucks but I have to believe it will get better and that no matter what it took both me and my wife to get here. Don't let your guilt over what you did make you forget that you don't exist in a vacuum.

 

Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made-you're only human. Remember it wasn't all you.

[Biggie25x]

sedgwick, I don't know that I see you as the guilty party in your break up. I think you should be able to pursue the interests you enjoy. If the relationship wasn't going to work for your ex because of something as shallow as not taking or being interested in music than it was only going to be a matter if time before he found something else to break up with you over. It takes more than a common desire to make music to make a relationship work. It sounds like you have beaten yourself up enough over the break up. Forgive yourself and move on. He doesn't sound worth it nor do I think he is thinking about it.

 

You don't have to be worried about being good enough for other people if your good enough for yourself. Make yourself happy and than you can be happy with someone else. Please remember to keep posting on here. I've found the advice of everyone here to be right on and a helping hand while I'm overcoming....this side of life. See what there answers are and how they were able to overcome their break-ups. Take the parts you think will work for you and apply it to your life. Don't be afraid to try again. It's not the failure you should be worried about but how to pick yourself up afterwards.

 

And I for one would love to see a Belly Dance and I doubt I'm the only person on here who would say that