Echo009 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Hi, Little background, my wife and I had been together for 7.5 years, and married for 2.5. We have 2 kids, 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter. I am 23, and she is 24. She left me about 2.5 weeks ago now and has lived with her parents since she left. When she left, and ever since she keeps saying the marriage "dissolved" and that she sees no chance of reconciliation. Her reasons for leaving, as I can understand at this point, are very confusing. She claims she has been unhappy for a long time, but was sending me messages saying "Love you" and cuddling up to me as little as a week before leaving. She has gone from telling me she believed I stopped loving her, to telling me the exact opposite. She claims she tried to "fix" the problems many times and continually tried to get us into marriage counseling, which is not quite true. She did schedule an appointment, which I agreed to, although was skeptical, as I have never been a big fan of therapy. The counselor canceled on us at the last minute, we got into an argument and she left that night. Since she left, I have been trying to figure out what what wrong, what she is telling me, but I simply am having troubles understanding everything. I know there are things I could have done differently, things I regret, but I never harmed her in any way. I love her so much. But for some reason she doesn't see it. Neither of us has cheated as far as I know and I am 99% sure she is not leaving for another man. Basically what I am asking is, how can I get her back? It sounds stupid probably, but I have sent her messages since she left saying I would do anything to make us work, but her mind seems made up. She tries to maintain a front usually when I see her, but I have also seen sadness a few times when we have talked, true emotion. Does this mean she still feels something for me? I have decided to stop asking her to come back, to stop telling her I love her, it seems to be what she wants. But the truth at this point is, I want nothing more than her back in my arms. So... can anyone offer me some advice? What are the chances of getting her back? If there are any chances, what can I do to make it happen?
sugarmomma Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 The forst thing you need to do is admit your flaws. Are you selfish, rude, neglectful, abusive, inconsiderate, thoughtless, jealous, angry, controlling, needy, etc. You have said not one thing about what is worng with your character. Like Dr Phil says "you can't change it if you don't acknowledge it" You have to let her know that you know exactly where your flaws lie and what you are willing to do to be a better man. Good Luck!!
tc1968 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I agree with sugarmomma... If your wife made the appointment for counseling she obviously felt there was an issue. The fact that you state on this MB that you do not believe in counseling probably translates over into your real life as well. Your wife might see this as a lack of commitment on your part as well. In order for your marriage to work you need to listen to your wife and even more important make the changes that she is asking within reason. These changes can not be temporary either...they need to be permenant. If you love your wife you need to leave your comfort zone and prove to her that you love her. Ask yourself some questions about your relationship from her point of view and if you can be honest with yourself it might be enlightening. Good luck but it sounds to me like you could easily get your wife back if you are open minded about therapy and go into it wanting to solve your problems.
Author Echo009 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 I have thought about things I could have done differently or things I can do to change. The problem is now she will not go to counseling with me she says if it involves trying to reconcile. She did say she might go if it involves us learning to communicate better for our children's sake, but I don't really know what that means. I really don't want to do something for false hope.
thelostsoul89 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 From the way I read your post it seems like you were and are willing to try and make it work, and she hasnt. She wont tell you a clear reason why she is leaving or try to make it work. Seems like she is just trying to get out of it guilt free by not opening up about what the issues are. You two have very young children, the least she could do is try for their sake. I find her to be acting very immature about this, are you sure there isnt another man in the picture? It seems like you have done all that you can do to make it work. Best of luck
Author Echo009 Posted April 2, 2009 Author Posted April 2, 2009 The forst thing you need to do is admit your flaws. Are you selfish, rude, neglectful, abusive, inconsiderate, thoughtless, jealous, angry, controlling, needy, etc. You have said not one thing about what is worng with your character. Like Dr Phil says "you can't change it if you don't acknowledge it" You have to let her know that you know exactly where your flaws lie and what you are willing to do to be a better man. Good Luck!! I know my character flaws, I am at a loss, because I don't think I have flaws that should kill a marriage. I was over jealous a few years ago, but went through considerable effort on my part to change that for both our benefit. I am somewhat anti-social. I am uncomfortable around people I don't know and don't like nightclubs and such. I also don't like going out to some family members house EVERY single weekend, but I went 95% of the time I was asked and went out of my way to go out to places she liked, and she went out with her friends to these clubs, hell she even worked at a nightclub which made me sick with worry every fricken night she worked there, as she was out till 3am alone. She was naive and I worried about her. But hey, I bit the fricken bullet because it seemed to make her happy. I am not liberal with money, I am not cheap, I don't horde money, I have no savings, but I hate debt, and did my best not to go into debt as much as possible. This led to many disagreements between us as she figured money was there to spend most of the time. And I don't exhibit alot of emotion alot of the time. This doesn't mean I don;t have it, I simply don't parade it around. But I opened up to her more than anyone else in my life. I don't know why she left, just ranting her makes me wonder why I want to go through the effort again to have her back. But I do love her, and I would go to counseling with her and if there was something I could change about myself that would make her happy without making me a doormat, I would do it in an instant. Some nights I am depressed, lonely, and can't sleep, other nights, like tonight, I am angry. How can someone simply walk out on someone they MARRIED, then refuse to try and fix anything. So yes, I am flawed, I have my issues, but here is the truth, I work hard, I make decent money, I have given her everything she has ever asked me for that I could give her. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't have anger issues, I have never emotionally, physically or mentally harmed her. I told her I loved her on a daily basis. Am I supposed to be perfect in order for her to stay? Ranting sometimes makes me feel better, we'll see I guess. Another day, I'm still her, can't be all bad I guess.
simonsez Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 99% chance you are wrong. There IS another man. Women don't act like this unless they have a place to fall. Leave her alone. Stop initiating any contact. Let her contact you. Start dating other women and be seen around town with them. Go out and start having a blast. Let HER think she has lost YOU now. If you don't do the above, then you may as well consider it over. She won't come back unless she is chasing you and unless she thinks she may have lost you to another woman. I have been studying these things for going on 30 years. These are the best actions a man can do that WORK to get a woman back. Hanging in there and acting needy isn't manly. Women will never tell you this, but they would prefer to chase. They almost always reject the man who chases them. Follow those instructions and you will be in good shape. (don't forget about the dating because it is a key item that needs to be done to get her back) 1
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