Stop me from wanting to contact him...argh...why do I want too?

[nature]

Camper, if he's such a stubborn soul, then he probably never meant to walk away. But you called his bluff, so he had to continue walking. Do you know what I mean?

 

I have a girlfriend who always breaks up with her boyfriend. Then he cries and freaks out and begs for her back. She never really wanted to break up wtih him, but she gets so angry and frustrated that she just says "it's over". Well this last time she did it, he called her bluff. Now she's the one crying because he's not wanting her back. So perhaps your ex is the same as her. He broke up with you, but it's not what he really wanted.

 

What exactly were the issues with you two? I think he was taking you for granted, was he not? And not giving you much attention? A little too non-chalant about the relationship? You got upset, he refused to change, so he dumped you instead. Am I way off? Trying to remember your story.

 

If this is the case, he probably had this time alone now to think about things, and even tho he's stubborn, he probably knows you were right. You need to be honest with him and just tell him you will not go back to the old relationship the way it was. And him chasing you now and showing you attention and affection is the way it always should have been and should stay. Adn if he can't do that and you are not that important to him, then tell him to go his own way.

 

You are guarded right now, with due right. You haven't lost feelings for him. You're just being careful taking baby steps. Something inside you is telling you to be careful. LIsten to it.

[not_a_happy_camper]

[

quote=nature;2118526]Camper, if he's such a stubborn soul, then he probably never meant to walk away. But you called his bluff, so he had to continue walking. Do you know what I mean?

 

I do. I asked him about it when we first met up again, why did he break up with me. He said he panicked, because he felt I wasn't getting over what happened fast enough, we live an hour away from each other, and didn't get to see each other in the few weeks after things happened, and he just thought if we couldn't get over this, then we weren't that compatible. he thought he was making the right decision at the time. But then I sent that email, saying he walked away without trying and that wasn't good enough for me. when we met up, he said everything I'd said in that email was right.

 

What exactly were the issues with you two? I think he was taking you for granted, was he not? And not giving you much attention? A little too non-chalant about the relationship? You got upset, he refused to change, so he dumped you instead. Am I way off? Trying to remember your story.

 

Issues..............for the last few months of our year and a half long relationship, he'd definitely been taking me for granted. Not considering me when making decisions, like planning his weekends with friends, and expecting me to just fall in instead of asking had I any plans. He never suggested just the two of us doing things together, even though we did stay in a lot because we were tired from work, and I was working on a different timeframe to him. but when we did stay in, we'd just watch tv, go to bed, not much conversation, we were both exhausted. through in me looking for permanent employment, living at home with parents, one of whom is ill, and then stressed because feeling neglected in relationship, and I was pretty reactive. then he invited me to a family event, he kept chopping and changing his mind about it coming up to it (another trait of his, which I do see him trying to change now), and the night before it, we had a row, because I decided to stay in rather than go out with him and his friends (i'd been in hospital with my dad that day, and working three weeks solid before without break locum work), he accused me of standing him up, got really angry, and then never contacted me the next day for the family thing, and I was ready and waiting for him to contact me so we could go together. I didn't think it was up to me to contact him to go, since he invited me, and it was he got angry on the phone the night before. he then didn't ring me for two days, and when he did, pretended like nothing had happened, and accused me of over-reacting. I was gutted. I probably did over-react (I was a sniffling mess) but given everything else that was going on, I just felt so let down by him. I'd been giving him so much and getting so little in return.

 

He has since apologised. He wouldn't take responsibility at the time, said I was making a big deal out of something really simple, and then I threw everything else at him about him being neglectful. I had hinted at this before, but never outright said it.

 

Issues..............me never telling him when something was wrong, expecting him to read my mind. I'm quite sensitive to things he says, which can sometimes be cutting, whether he means it or not, and when I do complain, he gets v. defensive. we both feel like we're walking on eggshells. We're discussing this now, with a view to working out better ways of resolving conflict. we never fought much but when we did, we found it hard to resolve things, because neither of us really listened and wouldn't back down! It's intimidating, because there's so much to work through!

 

If this is the case, he probably had this time alone now to think about things, and even tho he's stubborn, he probably knows you were right. You need to be honest with him and just tell him you will not go back to the old relationship the way it was. And him chasing you now and showing you attention and affection is the way it always should have been and should stay. Adn if he can't do that and you are not that important to him, then tell him to go his own way.

 

I agree with all of this!

 

 

You are guarded right now, with due right. You haven't lost feelings for him. You're just being careful taking baby steps. Something inside you is telling you to be careful. LIsten to it.

 

also worried about my parents not accepting possibility of us being a couple again. they're really angry at how he's behaved. And I've hijacked your thread....................sorry!

[nature]

Camper....ok, I totally remember your story now...thanks for the update, and do not worry about hijacking my thread! It's crazy, but so much of what you said in yours are exactly the issues that happened in my relationship with my ex the last year of it...until I just finally said enough.

 

Not considering me when making decisions, like planning his weekends with friends, and expecting me to just fall in instead of asking had I any plans. My ex started doing this to me all the time. I found it insulting and inferiorating. And very controlling. I started to get stubborn and would just refuse to go if he planned something with his friends and just assumed I'd tag along. F that.

 

when we did stay in, we'd just watch tv, go to bed, not much conversation, Same as my situation. I started to get bored. We'd try to have a nice evening in, and he'd fall asleep on the couch by 9PM. It pissed me off, because when out with his friends he could stay out until the wee hours. Again, I was insulted.

 

I was pretty reactive. I became very reactive as well. And I'm normally the calm, cool, collected person. But I just started to lose it. To the point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. It was like beating my head against a brick wall. It just got to be more torment than enjoyment...for both of us.

 

Basically, both our guys were taking us for granted and treating us like we should be submissive doormats, and go along with whatever suited them. no sh*t we became reactive, and to this day, I will not apologize for my becoming reactive, even tho he said I overreacted all the time. BS. I don't think it's overreacting when someone you love is taking you for granted.

 

Basically, my ex thought i wasn't patient enough, as i mentioned originally. He figured I should just put up with all the BS, and it should be good enough for me. When push came to shove, he broke up with me also. He wasn't willing to change or do anything to make our relationship his number one priority. And instead, he walked away feeling sorry for himself, thinking he just couldn't make me happy. The total martyr syndrome that comes from immaturity and selfishness.

 

things could have been good with us if he's taken responsibility and was willing to grow the hell up and consider me as well as himself. I think he broke up with me under the same pretense as your ex. Not thinking we'd really stay broken up. that's why all his emails assessing our relationship and telling me I should have been more patient. They just told me that he was nowhere near ready to accept responsibility and was still blaming me for it all. Whereas I take none of the blame. I honestly don't. I've taken blame for screwing up other relationships. But I take none for this one. I have honestly never tried so hard with anything as I did with this relationship. I was the only one keeping us together the last 6 months. I finally blew, and when push came to shove, he ran.

 

I think you just need to keep things on the up and up, and be ready to lay down ground rules. And if he even shows any signs of going back to the way he was before, then nip it in the bud right then. Do not put up with any shoddy treatment. Walk away right then. Show him you mean business.

 

Sometimes people can be on perfect behaviour the first few months of renewal, but then slip back into old patters. Make sure you keep enforcing that you will be gone if he tries to treat you like that again.

 

You are doing awesome!!!!!

[not_a_happy_camper]

Not considering me when making decisions, like planning his weekends with friends, and expecting me to just fall in instead of asking had I any plans. My ex started doing this to me all the time. I found it insulting and inferiorating. And very controlling. I started to get stubborn and would just refuse to go if he planned something with his friends and just assumed I'd tag along. F that.

 

I don't know that with my ex it was controlling. I think he just didn't think. I never said anything to him about this particular issue, until literally a week before we broke up, and this had been happening for about three months. I felt at the time, that if he cared enough, he wouldn't be treating me that way, he'd always have considered me. But then I also think, that it's not fair for me to expect him to change his behaviour, when he doesn't realise it bothers me. So I realise now, if I'd spoken up, or at least put my foot down, things might have been different. it remains to be seen of course, but I realise I made mistakes by not speaking up. I tagged along, I was happy to do so for a while, until I realised that it kept happening, that was when it began to bother me!

 

when we did stay in, we'd just watch tv, go to bed, not much conversation, Same as my situation. I started to get bored. We'd try to have a nice evening in, and he'd fall asleep on the couch by 9PM. It pissed me off, because when out with his friends he could stay out until the wee hours. Again, I was insulted.

 

same. crappy behaviour. sometimes you want the special treatment, otherwise you feel like friend with benefits. which sucks! i know the honeymoon period ends eventually, but isn't that when both parties have to make more effort?!

 

I was pretty reactive. I became very reactive as well. And I'm normally the calm, cool, collected person. But I just started to lose it. To the point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. It was like beating my head against a brick wall. It just got to be more torment than enjoyment...for both of us.

 

I relate to this on so many levels!

 

Basically, both our guys were taking us for granted and treating us like we should be submissive doormats, and go along with whatever suited them. no sh*t we became reactive, and to this day, I will not apologize for my becoming reactive, even tho he said I overreacted all the time. BS. I don't think it's overreacting when someone you love is taking you for granted.

 

I was accused of being oversensitive. I tried some of the lines he used on some of my friends to test the theory, and they were pretty shocked. more so, that he thought I was too sensitive, and wouldn't say sorry for hurting me! I don't say I'm hurting unless there's good reason to! ANd when I'm hurt, I don't expect him to hurt me further by invalidating my feelings, all I want is to hear him say sorry, I'll try not to do it again!

 

Basically, my ex thought i wasn't patient enough, as i mentioned originally. He figured I should just put up with all the BS, and it should be good enough for me. When push came to shove, he broke up with me also. He wasn't willing to change or do anything to make our relationship his number one priority. And instead, he walked away feeling sorry for himself, thinking he just couldn't make me happy. The total martyr syndrome that comes from immaturity and selfishness.

 

Is he very close to his mother by any chance?! my ex is treated like the golden boy at home, can't put a foot out of place. not going to get that treatment from me, and I think when I started to complain, he's just not used to that!

 

things could have been good with us if he's taken responsibility and was willing to grow the hell up and consider me as well as himself. I think he broke up with me under the same pretense as your ex. Not thinking we'd really stay broken up. that's why all his emails assessing our relationship and telling me I should have been more patient. They just told me that he was nowhere near ready to accept responsibility and was still blaming me for it all. Whereas I take none of the blame. I honestly don't. I've taken blame for screwing up other relationships. But I take none for this one. I have honestly never tried so hard with anything as I did with this relationship. I was the only one keeping us together the last 6 months. I finally blew, and when push came to shove, he ran.

 

I think you're right, I think had your ex decided to man up, and grow up, you could have worked things out. And he was trying to guilt you into coming back to him. Do you think he realises his own mistakes and is too stubborn to say sorry? or does he genuinely feel it was you who was being unfair? you'd really hope at his age that he'd have the cop on to take responsibility for his behaviour instead of blaming others! that kind of behaviour gets you nowhere.

 

I think you just need to keep things on the up and up, and be ready to lay down ground rules. And if he even shows any signs of going back to the way he was before, then nip it in the bud right then. Do not put up with any shoddy treatment. Walk away right then. Show him you mean business

.

 

feeling much stronger about this now too. I don't want to slip into my own old behaviour of not speaking out, and that's going to be difficult because I"m not used to it, but because I'm setting boundaries now, it'll make it easier.

 

Sometimes people can be on perfect behaviour the first few months of renewal, but then slip back into old patters. Make sure you keep enforcing that you will be gone if he tries to treat you like that again.

 

All too concious of this. he was on perfect behaviour when we started going out, and I'm all too aware that he may slip into old habits. more quickly this time because we know each other. have to be ready to put the foot down just in case!

 

worried a lot about family/friends opinions though. I realise why my parents don't want me to get back with him but I know it's me who has to live with m y decisions, not them! still affects me though, particularly as I'm living at home, and not in a position to move out at the moment. and they're very vocal!

[nature]

Is he very close to his mother by any chance?! my ex is treated like the golden boy at home, can't put a foot out of place.

Oh my gosh, bang on!!! He's an only child!! The only son!! Spoiled beyond belief! Can do no wrong! His parents split up when he was a teenager, so they both spoiled him beyond belief to make up for their separation. And they still both spoil him. They just laugh at his immaturity and make him think it's cute to be 40 years old and still acting like he's 19.

 

not going to get that treatment from me, and I think when I started to complain, he's just not used to that!

Totally! As wtih yours, mine could do no wrong in his parents eyes, and even tho he's supposed to be a grown man at 40 yrs old, he's more like a 19 yr old. Seriously. That is another reason I've stopped myself from contacting him.

 

Mine told me, quote: "nobody is goign to tell me what I can and cannot do. Nobody has told me that this far, and I'm not about to start taking that now." Yes, that is what he told me. So he continued on his behaviour, I complained, he dumped me.

 

Mine told me he thinks he's just better off being single because he's set in his ways and not able to deal with someone telling him he can't do this or can't do that. He's used to coming and going as he pleases, and has always done that. Yes, another reason why I have not contacted him. I just think mine wanted me to accept everything on his terms, and if/when I didn't, it was his way of the hwy. When push came to shove, I got the boot. lol

 

I guess that's why I called it a "control" thing with mine. Because it was, really. Choosing what we were goign to do without even considering asking me first, was in my eyes controlling. He didn't think to ask me if I'd want to do it first. He just assumed. And to me, that is very selfish behaviour. I would never make plans for myself and someone else without asking them if they want to do it. No, mine didn't think about this either. And that tells me he's just used to being a selfish ass. lol Another reason that has stopped me from contacting him.

 

I dont' really know what my ex's emails from Mexico meant. I dont' know if he was trying to guilt me into something, whether he was wanting to work things out, or whether he was just writing to me as his buddy. I really don't know. I don't know if he just wanted to be friends and that's why he was writing me. I wasn't about to take the risk that that is why he was writing, as I have no desire to be just his buddy/friend. Sorry, but no thank you.

 

I still am eaten up about this. Silly, isn't it? We broke up at the end of last May. But i guess because we still had contact up until Dec, it's like we just broke up in Dec. It wasn't until I stopped replying to his contact, and stopped all communication with him, that I started actually really dealing with the breakup. It just goes to show how NC is necessary at times. Because before NC, I wasn't healing.

 

Gawd. I'm really happy for you.

[not_a_happy_camper]

Is he very close to his mother by any chance?! my ex is treated like the golden boy at home, can't put a foot out of place.

Oh my gosh, bang on!!! He's an only child!! The only son!! Spoiled beyond belief! Can do no wrong! His parents split up when he was a teenager, so they both spoiled him beyond belief to make up for their separation. And they still both spoil him. They just laugh at his immaturity and make him think it's cute to be 40 years old and still acting like he's 19.

 

My ex is middle child, was always quite shy. Until he got older, realised he was hot, and didn't have to do the running with the ladies, and it appears to have gone to his head! he can be quite cocky. wasn't spoiled materially, but marked out as "favourite son"!!! others caused a lot of trouble! he can be really sensitive, that's what attracted me to him. I think that also has a lot to do with why he gets defensive. I hate to say it, but we are alike in many ways too!

 

not going to get that treatment from me, and I think when I started to complain, he's just not used to that!

Totally! As wtih yours, mine could do no wrong in his parents eyes, and even tho he's supposed to be a grown man at 40 yrs old, he's more like a 19 yr old. Seriously. That is another reason I've stopped myself from contacting him.

 

my ex gets defensive, but then comes back (Eventually!) with tail hanging between his legs! That's why I just feel we have to talk it out. he does eventually feel remorse!

 

 

Mine told me, quote: "nobody is goign to tell me what I can and cannot do. Nobody has told me that this far, and I'm not about to start taking that now." Yes, that is what he told me. So he continued on his behaviour, I complained, he dumped me.

 

lack of compromise, BAD sign!!! was he always that way? you were together for bout 6 years, right? tell me if I'm wrong!

 

Mine told me he thinks he's just better off being single because he's set in his ways and not able to deal with someone telling him he can't do this or can't do that. He's used to coming and going as he pleases, and has always done that. Yes, another reason why I have not contacted him. I just think mine wanted me to accept everything on his terms, and if/when I didn't, it was his way of the hwy. When push came to shove, I got the boot. lol

 

maybe he is better off single! if he's that stuck in his ways at age 40, there's no going back! he can only change for himself. and if he did come back appearing to have changed, do you think you'd consider giving this another chance? have you dated anyone at all since the break?

 

I

guess that's why I called it a "control" thing with mine. Because it was, really. Choosing what we were goign to do without even considering asking me first, was in my eyes controlling.

 

I can see where you're coming from. Especially since you did put your foot down, and he didn't like it. I guess I don't see it that way with my ex, because I was completely submissive about it. Which wasn't good for me either. I won't take the blame for the way things went, I'm not by any means letting him off the hook. But I want to see if I speak out, will it make a difference. I'm not setting out to change him, I think I'm setting out to see if we can change the dynamics within the relationship! and if it doesn't work well it'll hurt like hell, but at least now I know I can come out the other end and life goes on. and I'll be able to walk away, upset, but knowing the reasons for it not working.

 

I dont' really know what my ex's emails from Mexico meant. I dont' know if he was trying to guilt me into something, whether he was wanting to work things out, or whether he was just writing to me as his buddy. I really don't know. I don't know if he just wanted to be friends and that's why he was writing me. I wasn't about to take the risk that that is why he was writing, as I have no desire to be just his buddy/friend. Sorry, but no thank you.

 

it is hard to know his motives for those emails. Although I can't imagine him breaking down the issues he thought were wrong unless he had the intention of initiating reconciliation - or getting you to initiate it! maybe naive of me, but I can't imagine him going through all of that with the intention of just being friends. And you're right not to accept "just friends". why would you? I think his silence indicates he probably realises this.

 

I still am eaten up about this. Silly, isn't it

 

Not silly at all, he obviously meant a lot to you, in spite of the way he behaved. it would say a lot more about you and the relationship if you weren't upset. don't beat yourself up over it, it's going to take as long as it will take to get over this. it's essentially like a death. I've never experienced someone I know dying, but I've heard some people say that a breakup can be worse. that person you care so much about is still alive, they're choosing not to be with you. What issues are eating you up mostly though? is it wondering about the reason behind the emails alone, or other things?

 

We broke up at the end of last May. But i guess because we still had contact up until Dec, it's like we just broke up in Dec. It wasn't until I stopped replying to his contact, and stopped all communication with him, that I started actually really dealing with the breakup. It just goes to show how NC is necessary at times. Because before NC, I wasn't healing.

 

so so true. I'd never been through a break up before. And everyone was saying not to contact him. It was so horrible, because all I wanted to do was reach out to him, have him comfort me, even though he was the one who caused all the pain! I realise now how important it was to just quit cold turkey as such. it's so painful, but the best thing you can do, and you know that, and that's such a huge part of the battle.

 

 

Gawd. I'm really happy for you

 

I think you're the only person to say that to me! no one else is happy for me, they're worried I'm going to be hurt again!

[nature]

he can be really sensitive, that's what attracted me to him. I think that also has a lot to do with why he gets defensive. I hate to say it, but we are alike in many ways too!

The same with my ex! He is very sensitive about himself, but obviously wasn't very sensitive to my feelings and things that hurt me; hence, saying I overreacted.

 

My ex always used to say "we are the same person". We are very similar in so many ways. He said I was the female equiavalent of him. That we are both stubborn, defensive and strong minded. Even our horoscope sign is the same....both virgo's.

 

my ex gets defensive, but then comes back (Eventually!) with tail hanging between his legs! This is good! Mine wouldn't come back with his tail between his legs. I was always the one who had to extend the olive branch. Mine is a huge "dweller" and used to always say he didn't know why he couldn't let go of anger easily if we had a fight. I could fight, and 5 min later let it go, and be happy as tho it never happened. My ex would be stewing mad still for days.

 

That's why I just feel we have to talk it out. he does eventually feel remorse! This is good too. Mine would feel remorse, but then turn around and do the same thing two weeks later. It was a cycle. He didn't learn from his mistakes. He'd make them, be remorseful, apologetic, etc. and then turn around and do the same thing again. Argh.

 

lack of compromise, BAD sign!!! was he always that way? you were together for bout 6 years, right? tell me if I'm wrong! We met in 2003. He asked me out then. I messed it up because I wasn't ready for a relationship,having just come out of a long term one. Plus, I wasn't that interested in him. He pursued me for 2 yrs after that. Finally in 2005, my "light" went on, and I said yes to him and we went out and were inseperable. I fell madly in love with him. So we were together for 3 years, 2 of which we were engaged. He proposed to me after a year together.

 

It wasn't until the 3rd year of our relationship...the last year, that he started acting like a jerk. Many of his friends were just coming out of marriages, and he started hanging with them more and more. At first it was the "Oh, so and so is down in the dumps because his wife left him so I need to go hang with him"....but before I knew it, there was a pile of these old friends who resurfaced, and suddenly so and so's weren't down in the dumps anymore...they were partying like they were back in highschool. And my ex was going right along with them. That is when I started to speak out and get upset. That is when he started the attitude with me saying "nobody is goign to tell me what I can and cannot do, and how to live my life". It was not long after this attitude really surfaced, that I really started freaking and he dumped me. He had completely changed. I remember looking at him and saying, "I don't even know who you are anymore."

 

it is hard to know his motives for those emails. Although I can't imagine him breaking down the issues he thought were wrong unless he had the intention of initiating reconciliation - or getting you to initiate it! You're probably right, and in some sense, that is what I figured at the time. But it pissed me off that he started writing me these letters when 2000 miles away in Mexico for 3 months. Like how the hell were we supposed to reconcile when he just ditched me and ran away. And for 3 years before that, we had always gone on a trip to the tropics together in the winter. It stung so bad. I can't explain how much it hurt and how rejected I felt. In some ways I felt like he was just writing me those letters in attempts to string me along so that he could feel like he would have someone waiting at home for him when he came back in the spring, and so that i wouldn't move on.

 

I haven't moved on, but he doesn't know that. It just burned me, is all. And the fact that 6 of the a**holes who he started hanging out with the last year of our relationship were flying down to meet him there. And that he never told me about it. Of course he never told me. He knew it was f*cked and ignorant to be writing to me about how I wasn't patient with him, while at the same time having the same group of a**holes going down to party with him in Mexico for months. It's all sick. I had to hear about it thru the grapevine. Believe me, I cried a lot of tears.

 

I'm really happy for you that you and your ex are working on things. And that he wants to. If he is willing to look at himself and take responsibility, then that is all you can ask. I truly believe if two people want something bad enough, they can make it work, no matter how different they are in how they handle things. alot of it is getting to know one another.

 

I just dont' even know what I'd say to my ex if I made contact. I honestly don't. I'm blank when it comes to that.

[not_a_happy_camper]

he can be really sensitive, that's what attracted me to him. I think that also has a lot to do with why he gets defensive. I hate to say it, but we are alike in many ways too!

The same with my ex! He is very sensitive about himself, but obviously wasn't very sensitive to my feelings and things that hurt me; hence, saying I overreacted.

 

I relate to this too, more towards the end of the relationship though. He is a sensitive person, but like your ex, sensitive to his own feelings in the end, and not to mine. At the moment though, he is listening to what I"m saying about how hurt I was. He still gets defensive, but I've just been waiting it out until he literally calms down, and then go about explaining it a different way that he can understand, and it seems to be working. still a couple of things to touch on that are harder than others to get through to him on, but it's working so far. I read "men are from mars, women are from venus' lately, more out of curiousity than anything else, and it pointed out different ways of approaching certain issues. very useful!

 

He is sensitive in general. But it's like the minute I complain about something hurtful, he takes it as an offence to him, instead of looking at why I'm hurt and complaining. Apparently this is a typical male response, I wasn't aware of this before! It's all in the book too! I don't believe everything I read, but it was funny how much of the book I could relate to! And I'm using it to my advantage! I feel like highlighting passages for him and saying "this is how I feel, this is what you should do!". but I won't........

 

my ex gets defensive, but then comes back (Eventually!) with tail hanging between his legs! This is good! Mine wouldn't come back with his tail between his legs. I was always the one who had to extend the olive branch. Mine is a huge "dweller" and used to always say he didn't know why he couldn't let go of anger easily if we had a fight. I could fight, and 5 min later let it go, and be happy as tho it never happened. My ex would be stewing mad still for days.

 

Hmmmm..................opposite in our relationship, I'm the dweller, he's the one who lets go! Typically because he feels it's resolved because he's stated his case without hearing me out, and thinks that's all he has to do, I should just agree! And I used to before, so it'll be interesting to see how it turns out. I let go, once someone understands why I feel that way in the first place, even if they don't necessarily agree. at least then though, we could compromise!

 

In saying that, it was still me who had to extend the olive branch. But again, think that was because of that email. But that is a tiring position to be in, to feel that you are always the one who's keeping things going. You like to see them extend the olive branch and make the effort to keep you too.

 

That's why I just feel we have to talk it out. he does eventually feel remorse! This is good too. Mine would feel remorse, but then turn around and do the same thing two weeks later. It was a cycle. He didn't learn from his mistakes. He'd make them, be remorseful, apologetic, etc. and then turn around and do the same thing again. Argh.

 

He feels remorse................but he's not always so quick to admit it, unless you call his bluff! Stubborness..............and it remains to be seen whether a cycle will emerge, will keep you posted on that. I'm playing it very cool to see what he does.....................it's kinda fun!

 

It wasn't until the 3rd year of our relationship...the last year, that he started acting like a jerk. Many of his friends were just coming out of marriages, and he started hanging with them more and more. At first it was the "Oh, so and so is down in the dumps because his wife left him so I need to go hang with him"....but before I knew it, there was a pile of these old friends who resurfaced, and suddenly so and so's weren't down in the dumps anymore...they were partying like they were back in highschool. And my ex was going right along with them. That is when I started to speak out and get upset. That is when he started the attitude with me saying "nobody is goign to tell me what I can and cannot do, and how to live my life". It was not long after this attitude really surfaced, that I really started freaking and he dumped me. He had completely changed. I remember looking at him and saying, "I don't even know who you are anymore."

 

Sounds like a spoiled brat, I'm sorry! Also sounds like a bit of a mid-life crisis?!

 

it is hard to know his motives for those emails. Although I can't imagine him breaking down the issues he thought were wrong unless he had the intention of initiating reconciliation - or getting you to initiate it! You're probably right, and in some sense, that is what I figured at the time. But it pissed me off that he started writing me these letters when 2000 miles away in Mexico for 3 months. Like how the hell were we supposed to reconcile when he just ditched me and ran away. And for 3 years before that, we had always gone on a trip to the tropics together in the winter. It stung so bad. I can't explain how much it hurt and how rejected I felt. In some ways I felt like he was just writing me those letters in attempts to string me along so that he could feel like he would have someone waiting at home for him when he came back in the spring, and so that i wouldn't move on.

 

I guess you kind of feel in ways like your life has stopped or changed so much without him, and it hurts to see that his goes on in the same way it would have with you there, except you're not. I can understand how hurtful that was and still is for you. And you know what? those emails were probably his way of communicating pain to you, possibly for the same reasons. He was away, you should probably have been there with him too, under different circumstances and perhaps he was feeling that. We can't know for sure. But the fact that he didn't tell you about his mates being there is pretty sad. You'd respect him more if at least he was honest about it. Still immature though! And the distance meant he could send those emails without having to be confronted in person by your feelings. he could literally distance himself without having to deal, but still allowed him to get out his own feelings on the whole thing. What a coward. Of course he wants you to sit pining for him. He knows his mexican buzz ain't going to last forever, and it's going to be slap bang down to reality of being without you. the partying can't last forever! I have a feeling you may yet hear from him.

 

I haven't moved on, but he doesn't know that

.

 

And he should never find out. Don't give him the ego stroke. I told my ex (I still don't know whether to call him my ex or otherwise, I'm so used to calling him my ex now!) that when we met up first, I was looking for closure or a way forward, with or without him. And I was detached enough at that stage to move on then if I had to. It'll hurt more now, because I'm getting attached again. But no regrets this time round, life is too short. I think I'm handling it well. He also knows I kissed a few guys since we broke up, he says he wasn't with anyone at all because he felt it would make it too final for him. so he knows even though I still have feelings, I was getting on my life.

 

It just burned me, is all. And the fact that 6 of the a**holes who he started hanging out with the last year of our relationship were flying down to meet him there. And that he never told me about it. Of course he never told me. He knew it was f*cked and ignorant to be writing to me about how I wasn't patient with him, while at the same time having the same group of a**holes going down to party with him in Mexico for months. It's all sick. I had to hear about it thru the grapevine. Believe me, I cried a lot of tears.

 

hugs. I wouldn't blame you, it's sucky behaviour. Is he back from Mexico yet or do you know? I'm seriously waiting for you to start a thread "my ex just broke NC"! Any day soon.

 

I'm really happy for you that you and your ex are working on things. And that he wants to. If he is willing to look at himself and take responsibility, then that is all you can ask. I truly believe if two people want something bad enough, they can make it work, no matter how different they are in how they handle things. alot of it is getting to know one another

.

 

And getting to know what works for you both. I've learned a lot about me from all that's happened too, and he has said the same. putting it all into practice is another thing!

 

I just dont' even know what I'd say to my ex if I made contact. I honestly don't. I'm blank when it comes to that.

 

I didn't either when I contacted him, other than wanting to know why he broke up with me. And if he still cared, would he have contacted me if I hadn't sent that email! Those were the things that niggled at me most and I got my answers. But other wise, I was seriously winging it. It was hard, meeting up first, because having been together so much in spite of the distance, to go from that to quitting each other cold turkey............catching up was weird. uncomfortable. but we're persisting. and it's getting better bit by bit. I'm afraid now of getting too attached before we've stitched up old wounds.

 

I honestly think you are right not to contact him. What do your friends and family think? He knew he was behaving badly a long time before breaking up. with my ex, I had complained a couple of times indirectly, and just left it at that, so when the poo hit the fan with him standing me up, I threw everything at him, anything I could give out to him about, I did, instead of approaching the one major issue at hand. which wasn't fair. with your ex, you had made it abundantly clear you didn't like his behaviour, for a while by the sounds of things. I think you're drawing a blank when it comes to this, because you literally have nothing left to say. You've already said it all.

[nature]

Thanks Camper!

 

At the moment though, he is listening to what I"m saying about how hurt I was. He still gets defensive, but I've just been waiting it out until he literally calms down, and then go about explaining it a different way

This is really good!!! And great that you read that book...I read it yrs ago, but it really does explain how men and women react differently. I don't think men deal well when we are freaking out! lol They just shut down. So giving it some space and then explaining it calmly is probably doing wonders for you two! I hope he is trying to adjust his behaviour just as much as you are!!!!!

 

In saying that, it was still me who had to extend the olive branch. But again, think that was because of that email. But that is a tiring position to be in, to feel that you are always the one who's keeping things going. You like to see them extend the olive branch and make the effort to keep you too.

I couldn't agree more. When they don't extend the olive branch, it makes you feel even more insecure, thinking they don't care about the relationship. But perhaps he got so used to you extending it, that he just assumed you would. I think that's what heppened with my ex. He got so used to me doing it, that he figured I would again. Well I was fed up, and this time I didn't. I think it really shook him up.

 

I think it's excellent that you are bringing all of these issues to the forefront, and that your ex is listening to you. It really does take two to want to make a relationship work, and two to put in the effort. If it is only one person doing it all the time, I don't believe it will ever work. Then one person is left in the power position, assuming the other person will do all the work, and the other person is left feeling more and more insecure, wondering why they are the one doing all the work, extending the olive branch all the time, etc.

 

What exactly did you say in your email that brought the two of you back together again talking? How did you start it off? Were you nervous sending it, wondering what he'd say, or if he'd even respond? That's a very risky position to put yourself in emotionally, so I congratulate you for doing it!!!

 

Sounds like a spoiled brat, I'm sorry! Also sounds like a bit of a mid-life crisis?!

Yes, my ex is a spoiled brat to say the least. I came to that conclusion as well. Only child, parents split up, he was coddled and babied and could do no wrong in both their eyes. And still can't. Neither one of his parents will say to him, "what the hell are you doing, grow up and be a respectful adult". They just laughed off his immature behaviour. They were both really sad we broke up, but they would never dare tell him to buck up and grow up.

 

Mid life crisis? Perhaps. I just don't know. I don't know if perhaps the first 2.5 yrs of our relationship were an act for him, and the last year was the real him. Or if he suddenly had a mid life crisis in the last year of our relationship watching all of his friends marriages fall apart. He listened to them, and all their negativity about marriage, relationships, etc. It hurt me and angered me. These guys had been married for yrs. And their marriages didn't have to break up. Their stupid, dumb ass behaviour is what made their marriages fall apart.

 

But my ex was too caught up in their BS the last yr to separate himself and see that he was doing the exact same thing to "us" that his friends had done to their wives. Which is why his friends relationships failed, and then....duhhhhhhhh....so did ours!! Way to go, dumb ass! Follow the gang!!! Now you can all be a bunch of 40 yr old teenagers together, talking about how bad marriage and relationships are.

 

It's these friends of his that stop me from contacting my ex. I am not someone to tell anyone who they can and can't be friends with. Obviously. And these are the people he chooses to call friends and whom he chooses to spend his time with. And they seriously make me sick. There is no possible way for us to have a positive relationship as long as these are the people he's associating with. It's just not possible. My ex started getting 30 calls a day sometimes from these guys. Every single day is "party time", and weekends...oh let's talk about weekends....weekends it's assumed the guys will get together and spend the whole damn weekend together bar starring it, golfing, biking, etc. And do you think women are included?

 

I'm athletic. I love to do outdoor stuff. But no. These chauvenistic pigs only see women as something to flirt with at the bar, and leave at home while they party and hang with the guys. I will not be one of those doormats. I have always dated men who become my best friend, whom i love to do things with...boating, camping, snowboarding, etc. This whole never chauvenistic, leave women at home thing is new to me, and not for me. It's pathetic in my eyes. I've always been friends with all my boyfriends friends, and they all loved me and wanted me along. So to deal with a big group of guys who never include women in any of the activities not for me.

 

That is why I have not contacted him again. I don't know if his newfound attitude with the guys the last yr of our relationship was a mid life crisis, or if it's really him. He'd always say it wasn't when I was freaking out, yet he still did it. He followed right along wiht the guys. So now he can be happy wtih these loser guys, and find a girl who will sit at home like a doormat. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! ha ha

 

this has been really good for me to hash out my feelings. I'm obviously still healing!!!! lol

[not_a_happy_camper]

I hope he is trying to adjust his behaviour just as much as you are!!!!!

 

It's hard to know this yet. we live an hour apart, so we only get to see each other at weekends, and for a short space of time. we're not spending all the weekend together like we used to, which is right for starting out again. but he's contacting me all the time, which is good. adjusting behaviour.....................I just want him to respond calmly to me if I think there's something wrong and understand that I'm not trying to attack him! we didn't fight that much when we were together, but because of the way we responded to each other, damage was done. And it's hard to know how that will change, unless we fight lots! kind of why it's so important to discuss all of this right now before we progress.

 

 

When they don't extend the olive branch, it makes you feel even more insecure, thinking they don't care about the relationship. But perhaps he got so used to you extending it, that he just assumed you would.

 

I think this is true. I think we both got used to me being the one making so much effort, and me not pointing out that I was unhappy about it, that we let it continue that we, while I got more and more insecure, he thought everything was ok, and then I exploded at him! I just want things to be equal! That's the way it should be, most of the time anyway!

 

 

What exactly did you say in your email that brought the two of you back together again talking? How did you start it off? Were you nervous sending it, wondering what he'd say, or if he'd even respond? That's a very risky position to put yourself in emotionally, so I congratulate you for doing it!!!

 

I sent a very short email, saying if he was home and felt like meeting up for a coffee, to let me know, and if he thought that would be too weird, that was ok too. I said nothing about motives! I was nervous sending it, but I felt it was now or never. I didn't always want to be wondering what if. I felt in my mind, I was going there for closure, or a way forward, with or without him. I didn't specify that to him, I didn't want to go into any of this in the email, lest it put him off meeting up in the first place. I did wonder if he'd respond. I thought if he doesn't respond, then I just have to move on, and that would be my closure. But I knew he would. I sent it on a wednesday, his birthday was the friday, but I didn't contact him to say happy birthday. I was out that night at home, and bumped into a few of his friends, who I hadn't seen since we were together. I realised he was probably out celebrating with them, so I moved on to the next place. Found out later, from a mutual friend, that he had a huge heart to heart with another friend (third hand info, but accurate source!!!) about how much he regretted everything that had happened. he hadn't even got the email at that stage. And apparently he went on to the same night club as me that night, found out I was there, and spent a lot of the night looking for me and couldn't find me! He replied to the email on the sunday anyway, saying he'd like to meet up. we met up two weeks later. Awkward at first, caught up on the three months that we'd been apart. then I just came out with my questions. why did he break up with me? what did he think of the email I'd sent? Would he have contacted me if it hadn't been for the email? we did see each other after I sent it, he called over 2 weeks later and we swapped our stuff back. I was very cool with him. I remember him looking like he had something to say, or as if he was going to hug me, and I just said goodbye and shut the door. and started crying when he was gone. He told me that he'd wanted to talk to me then, but because I was so cool with him, he just assumed I wanted nothing further to do with him. He'd been wanting to contact me all the time, only that he assumed from the email, the way I'd behaved towards him and the lack of contact, that I was moving on. that was why he didn't contact me. All the time we were apart, I tried everything in my power to convince myself he didn't care about me, in an effort to move on, because I felt that was the only thing that would help. While always feeling at the back of my mind that there was more to be said, more we could have done. and I guess knowing him as well as I do, knowing bizarrely, exactly how he was feeling. I was right about it all along.

 

In ways it was a risky thing to do. But at the time I emailed him to meet up, I felt I was in a good position to contact him, because I felt in some ways detached from the situation. I wondered if I'd buckle when I saw him, but at the same time, felt that the space we'd had from each other meant I could be emotionally detached enough not to betray myself if we did meet up. And when I brought up the break-up that night, he was shaking like a leaf. He'd been nervous before while we were talking, but he then began to stumble over his words, he was shaking, and he grabbed my hand at one point, his palms were all sweaty..................while I remained cool as a breeze! It was funny actually, to go from feeling so miserable when we broke up, literally unable to function......................to the point where I felt so in control, and to see him react like that......................he said I was very business like about the whole thing! so yeah, it was risky, but I felt at that stage I could handle it. If he didn't want to discuss it, no skin off my back, move on. But things have been working so far. It hasn't been easy by a long shot, and at points I felt like I was picking the scab off a wound, pointless exercise, but I'm glad we've both persisted this far. We'll see what happens from here. I know my feelings are nowhere near the same intensity as they were. I've buried them a lot the last few months. It feels like beginning a new relationship, uncertain............nice and hopeful, but with a bit more baggage and a lot less infatuation! but the attraction is very much there!

 

 

 

 

But my ex was too caught up in their BS the last yr to separate himself and see that he was doing the exact same thing to "us" that his friends had done to their wives. Which is why his friends relationships failed, and then....duhhhhhhhh....so did ours!! Way to go, dumb ass! Follow the gang!!! Now you can all be a bunch of 40 yr old teenagers together, talking about how bad marriage and relationships are.

 

 

Just curious...................when he spoke about his friends marriages breaking up, what was the tone? was it like "oh what a pity" or did he speak about it in a derogatory way? Like b*tching about them? could be a good reflection on his attitude to relationships in general.....

 

It's these friends of his that stop me from contacting my ex. I am not someone to tell anyone who they can and can't be friends with. Obviously. And these are the people he chooses to call friends and whom he chooses to spend his time with. And they seriously make me sick. There is no possible way for us to have a positive relationship as long as these are the people he's associating with. It's just not possible. My ex started getting 30 calls a day sometimes from these guys. Every single day is "party time", and weekends...oh let's talk about weekends....weekends it's assumed the guys will get together and spend the whole damn weekend together bar starring it, golfing, biking, etc. And do you think women are included?

 

you are absolutely right. you shouldn't have had to play second fiddle to these guys. And look where it got your ex anyway? if he isn't already regretting it nature, he will for sure. the partying can't last forever. that is such juvenile behaviour. you truly deserve better than this.

 

 

That is why I have not contacted him again. I don't know if his newfound attitude with the guys the last yr of our relationship was a mid life crisis, or if it's really him. He'd always say it wasn't when I was freaking out, yet he still did it. He followed right along wiht the guys. So now he can be happy wtih these loser guys, and find a girl who will sit at home like a doormat. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! ha ha

 

said it before, and I'll say it again...................he wants to have his cake and eat it too! was there a dramatic change between the first 2.5 years and the last year, or did you notice any of those characteristics before? was it that he got comfortable and the real him began to show? or just honeymoon period ending coinciding with the break-up of his friends marriages? can't know if it was the real him or not...............what way did any of his other relationships end?

 

this has been really good for me to hash out my feelings. I'm obviously still healing!!!! lol

 

it's good to talk! you disappeared from here for a while, you always think when people disappear that things are improving for them..............but I think it shows that you're having more good days than bad at least, and that's a good thing!

[nature]

Camper, it's great to talk with you too...our stories are somwhat similar in many ways!!! I think I'd been so raging angry/hurt in Jan/Feb....I felt like I was in the twilight zone after getting emails from him on his big trip to Mex.....then finding out all the "friends" of his that I detest were going down to spend 6 wks with him, threw me over the deep end! lol I felt like my head was going to blow!!! But then I started to calm and just came to this weird peaceful phase....so I guess that's when I disappeared for awhile....but then once I hit calm for awhile, is when I started to think about contacting him.....lol. So that is when I returned!!!!! lol Argh, the trials & tribulations of a broken heart.

 

Oh my gosh, your two paragraphs about emailing/contacting him are amazing!!! You should seriously copy and print those paragraphs off for yourself to keep for the future. So that you can go back and re-read them if you ever find yourself in trouble with him again. Yours sounds like a real love story. I am not kidding you. You were both hurting and lonely, missing the other....but each of your thought the other didn't care.

 

I have a very strong feeling you two will be together. I really do. You both love one another, and you are both wanting to work on the relationship. What more can you ask for!!! I just think it's amazing that you have gotten to this point. Seriously!!!! This doesn't happen very often, so congratulations again for mustering up the courage to write to him. That takes a lot of guts, and I hope he respects your strength and fortitude in doing so. Imagine if you hadn't. Imagine if you'd let your pride get in the way. You two may never have spoken again. Maybe he can learn something from it too. That pride can be very detrimental when it comes to relationships. If one isn't willing to let down their guard and be vulnerable, it is pretty impossible to have an open, healthy, giving relationship.

 

I hope you keep posting updates on your situation. It's really so nice to read.

 

Yes, my ex....wanted his cake and to eat it too...in more ways than one. That is what has stopped me from contacting him, no matter how strong the urge has gotten some times. I think about it, and I think about the amazing, good times we had together. that is when i think of contacting him, because i really loved "that" person. But when I think of the person he became the last year of our relationship, it stops me from wanting to contact him.

 

Honestly, I don't know which is him. He was such a good person, which is why I fell so in love with him. He really did a Jekyll and Hyde the last year of our relationship. I remember telling him, that if he'd been this person in the first place, I never would have dated him, let alone said yes to marrying him. I honestly didn't even know who he was anymore. That's how much he changed.

 

The letters he was writing me from Mex were sounding more like the "old him".....like he was trying to break down some walls....but he hurt me so bad the last yr of our relationship, then dumping me, that I just didn't trust his words. His emails started off defensive, trying to somewhat blame me for our breakup, saying I wasn't patient enough, blah blah blah. Then they changed to telling me about puppy dogs he saw in Mex (because he knows i love dogs), telling me he knows if I were there I'd want to take them all home with me....telling me about the beach and trying to surf.....sending me hugs.....telling me even tho we are far apart that he still feels very close to me, and for me to please not think that is weird of him to say.....wishing me a wonderful Xmas and hoping that I have a nice Turkey dinner with my parents and family....etc.

 

Honestly, everything he wrote just pissed me off more. Because I should have been there with him. The last 3 yrs we had been there together during the winter. Now he was there without me and writing me emails, waiting for his stupid friends to come down. Gawd it pissed me off. that is why i ignored them.

 

It still hurts me. I still feel like I'm in the twilight zone. I just don't honestly know how he could have done this. I don't. Argh.

 

Thanks for listening, Camper!!!!! So happy for you!!!!