nature Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I was writing on here quite often through January & February. It helped me so much. Here is my post from then that tells my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=177753&page=2 We were together 3 yrs...engaged. We broke up in May because he, at 40, decided to start running around with all of his newly divorced buddies, going to bars 3 & 4 nights a week, etc. He thought I should be patient and stick it out. The man who at one time had been my best friend who adored me. Suddenly he was like a crazy person. I didn't stick it out. We broke up. I was so freaking angry for months and months. At Xmas he went off to Mexico for 3 months (which I found out later that he had 6 of his buddies coming down to hang out with him there...which he failed to tell me & pretended he was just going to get away & basically "find himself". blah). He started writing me emails from Mex saying "why hadn't I been more patient, that he only threw in the towel out of frustration, not lack of love, etc, sending me hugs, etc". I have ignored him since before Xmas & ignored his emals. I have not received an email since Xmas. Gone in to strict No Contact. And wow has no contact worked. So well that I'm not even full of rage and anger anymore. but the problem is, now I feel calm, and have had this huge urge the last few days to contact him. STOP ME. It's eating at me. And I'm mad at myself. We broke up last May. It's almost a year. I have been no contact with him for 3 months. Why do I want to contact him?
gavinus Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Maybe you want to contact him because the memory of him running after you felt good? I take it you are single? no hot men on offer?
Author nature Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 Gavinus, thanks. I don't have a memory of him running after me. All I felt from him was rejection. Rejection that his friends were more important to him than I was. When push came to shove, he pushed me away. that's what hurt me. I guess one can only stay angry for so long. And I don't know. I just don't know. there was a time when we were so close. So in love. He got down on one knee, asked me to marry him. Then suddenly his old friends started coming out of the wood work. Getting divorced. Suddenly he was chumming with them way too often. he went backwards.
gavinus Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 The only reason I am asking if you are single is that if you had met the guy of your dreams I am fairly sure you would not be thinking of your ex. The reality is he suddenly wanted a taste of youth, blew you off and wanted the best of both worlds, being single with his friends AND having you on hand when he wanted to be un-single again. At the end of the day, if you were that important to him, he would of put you first, every time I think you have more self respect than to play second fiddle to his friends. You must stay strong and someobdy will come along that will treat you like you deserve to be treated, not once in awhile but every single day for the rest of your life
Truly Lost Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I think the damage is done. There is no going back, honestly. He left you and the relationship. He checked out at his convenience. Probably thinking to himself, "Yeah, she'll be there when I need her". I think its terrible that he got on a plane and hypothetically said "See ya". I'm sorry he did that to you. I can only imagine how hurt you were over that. I bet you still harbor a lot of resentment. The positive side is he did you a BIG favor. I know you will eventually find someone that will love you. Its scary and lonely to be in that mind set, but it will happen, you just got to make it happen. Forget about the douche bag. I mean, really, can you ever look into this a**'s eyes and say "I love you" after he pulled that stunt. He isn't looking out for you at all. Thats not love.
Author nature Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 Thank you! I dont know why this sudden feeling inside me to contact him. It was easier when I was still raging angry. That made me not want to contact him or reply to his contacts. But for some damn reason No Contact has helped me heal, and I no longer feel rage coursing thru my veins. And this peace is about me and I feel like my old self again. Why on earth do I feel the urge to contact him. Argh.
katty774 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 You have been strong this long and thats great. I personally think that something triggers a memory ( a good memory) and that makes us start thinking about the past and we have a weak moment. Stay Strong, this weak moment will pass. You have made it this far, you can make it another 3 months, etc. I personally need to remember this myself because I am whining around about having no contact that has only lasted a week. Talk about weak moments I am having a lot of them. I only hope I can one day say that I am having a weak moment after 3 months of no contact but for now I guess we both have to take it hour by hour, day by day. Best of luck to you.
boldjack Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Nature, I will go against the other posters on this. Perhaps, just perhaps, you love him. Perhaps you remember how it was before He went a little crazy(mid-life crisis?) and you want to see if it could happen again. If the feelings are present, and he has the same feelings, it's not unknown for people to get back together, and be better than before. Happens all the time. Better communication, more caring, deeper love. You know whats in YOUR heart, do you know what's in his?
Author nature Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 Boldjack, thanks. I don't know. he was writing me emails from Mexico. And in the emails he was sending me, he was saying to me that he wished I'd been more patient and just given him time to figure out how to properly be in a relationship, and given him time to get his life together. It angered me recieving these, because we had been together 3 yrs and were engaged. And the first two yrs of our relationship, things were wonderful. He went downhill the last yr when he started chumming around with old friends who were newly divorced. So it wasn't like he didn't know how to be in a relationship. He was just looking for excuses to have his cake and eat it too. In his emails he also stated that he only threw in the towel on us out of frustration, and not lack of love for me. It was kind of weird, because I was the one who really threw in the towel. But he kept writing me, re-stating how he had dumped me. Saying that he knows his friends are quote> "a bunch of losers", etc. But even after he wrote me these letters about his friends being a bunch of losers, etc. I found out through the grapevine that all these so called "losers" were meeting him in Mexico and spent 6 wks down there with him.....7 guys altogether. I never responded to his emails. I ignored them. The last one he sent me was right before Xmas. I still ignored it. Have heard nothign from him since. I drove by him about a week ago, but that is it. Neither of us waved. It was weird I guess. Argh.
twistofcain Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Maybe you should speak to him again? It seems like you miss him... He probably went to Mexico to heal his pain and just get away and have fun. I think its acceptable, you WERE broken up, and maybe he just needed time to do his own thing, have fun, and experience just being a guy again. You know people get confused and do dumb things...I always believe in second chances because I have gotten them and I know how grateful I always am.
Author nature Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 Yes Twist, I miss him. I miss the old times. The good times. The person he was before he decided to run crazy like a 19 yr old. I miss what we had. I miss the fact we were both so happy and felt we'd found the one person who we wanted to spend our life with. We had so much fun. Laughed together. Shared the same hobbies. We were best friends and so attracted to one another. I miss that. But I don't miss the person he became the last year. The person who took me for granted. The person who ditched me all the time to party with his buddies. The person who started acting negatively towards relationships just because his friends were newly divorced, bitter and negative. I feel disdain for his "friends". That is what stops me. I feel hurt from him. And if he was the person I first loved the first 2.5 yrs, things would be great. But the person he became hurt me bad. And I don't know who he is now. That's why I've stopped myself from contacting him. Maybe he really is happier without me. Maybe he loves not having me in his life. Maybe he loves running around with a bunch of bitter, jaded, divorced 40 yr old guys behaving like they are 19 yrs old again. Maybe I'm the last thing he thinks about. It still hurts even tho I'm not mad anymore.
plane addicted Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I will promise to to call mine if you promise not to call yours.
Author nature Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 I can go without contacting him. That is not the problem. I have been doing it for months. The problem is I'm having this weird gut thing that's telling me to contact him. And I'm wondering why the heck i'm having it. Our instinct and intuition is supposed to be right. and I always listen to mine. I haven't contacted him or replied to his contact since before Xmas. But why on earth am I feeling the want to contact him.
tkgirl Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I can go without contacting him. That is not the problem. I have been doing it for months. The problem is I'm having this weird gut thing that's telling me to contact him. And I'm wondering why the heck i'm having it. Our instinct and intuition is supposed to be right. and I always listen to mine. I haven't contacted him or replied to his contact since before Xmas. But why on earth am I feeling the want to contact him. well, a lot of the NCers on here may not like me saying this but.. why not call him? You said you always follow your instinct... maybe there is a reason you need to talk to him. And that reason does not have to be because you want to get back together... maybe it's because you want closure. Just be prepared that he may try to get you back again... and you have to guard your heart with everything you have with him.. he's already hurt you bad once. I don't know... but you will never know what this feeling is about unless you do talk to him. Good luck with whatever you decide!
boldjack Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Nature, If you're not familiar with Mid-life crises, look it up on line. Many men in their 40's-50's , start to realize that time is moving faster than they are. They start trying to recapture their youth. It happened to me as well. Turned 40 started to play beer league hockey again, all it got me was 2 missing teeth, rotator cuff surgery and a torn acl. Some guys get over it and some don't. Who knows, maybe he has been thinking about you and his pride won't let him call you. You said that he has been making it sound like HE broke up with YOU, instead of the other way round, so it sounds as if his pride was hurt. If you have a "gut", feeling that you should call. then go ahead. It will cost you nothing, because you have moved past the old him and emotionally are pretty stable. Ask him how he's doing , make small talk. If he has been thinking about how you (plural)were together in the past, maybe he has matured and is ready to committ again.
Author nature Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Thank you JK & Boldjack. It's so hard. I just dont' know what I'm going to do. Yes, I have this nagging feeling like I should call him. But then of course, as I read on here, it always says that if a man misses you enough, he will find you or call you. But Boldjack, you say his pride was perhaps hurt. Somehow I can see what you mean, but in another way, I think how could he have been hurt when he's the one who f*cked everything up in the first place. I have this fear about calling him, which is what is stopping me. This fear that perhaps he hates me since I ignored his last emails from Mexico. I was just so damn angry at that point and did not want to fight with him about it anymore. Gawd, he'd run off to Mex for 3 months. What was the point in hashing out our relationship when we were 2000 miles away from each other. It just seemed pointless and futile. And I was hurt. Especially when the last 3 yrs it had been us together off in Mexico during the winter. but I have this fear that perhaps he will not want to hear from me and probably just thinks low of me now, and thinks I'm a b*tch becasue I ignored him. He was in pretty self centred mode at the end of our relationship and in the letters he was sending me. I could tell in them that he still took no real responsibility for how much he f*cked things up and how unfair it was for me being on the receiving end. It hurt so much at the time. I just think, perhaps he's still in self centred mode, having just returned from his 3 month vacation....half of which were spent with the jackasses down there with him. Yes, it does sound like it was a mid life crisis for sure. I guess I wonder if perhaps he will be the long term mid life crisis person who doesn't come out of it. After all, he could contact me too. And he hasnt'. So that's what makes me think he's just happy go lucky and loving being free. It's just sad. I don't think it's closure I'm looking for, as i really felt I had it last summer when we split up. I decided then that I was done and not going to be treated like a doormat, while he ran around recapturing his youth. I still don't know what the inkling to call him is. Miss what we had I guess.
tkgirl Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 hmmm... maybe right now isn't a good time to call him after all. It sounds like you might not be as strong as you thought and I don't mean to sound harsh. I just want to help. It sounds like your self esteem might be a little low, like the way you said you were worried he hates you now or thinks you're a B**** for ignoring him. Remember, HE's the one that F'd up and left you... then he wanted you back after the fact... he had already hurt you though. I think he will try to contact you again though... try to stay strong. Remember why you left in the first place, you didn't like the way you were being treated and you will not settle for less than you deserve. Sleep on it for now... if you do decide to call him, try to keep it somewhat light... see how he responds to hearing from you. He should be thrilled and doing whatever he can to get you back... let him try... but if it isn't enough then be prepared to walk away for good this time! again.. good luck and keep us posted!
Author nature Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Thanks TK. I don't know if I ever felt like I was really strong or over it. What i meant is that I'm no longer raging angry as I was for months. I'm more at peace with myself and the whole thing. But I do miss what we had before he decided to have a big mid life crisis the last yr of our relationship. Yes, I have fear about contacting him, which is why I haven't. Fear that he doesn't give a sh*t. Fear that he's angry because I ignored his emails from Mex. Perhaps its good I have this insecurity because its stopped me from contacting him. Everything happens for a reason, right! And there's a reason I dont' feel 100% comfortable contacting him. And I guess i need to keep listening to this uncertainty and not go against it.
tkgirl Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Thanks TK. I don't know if I ever felt like I was really strong or over it. What i meant is that I'm no longer raging angry as I was for months. I'm more at peace with myself and the whole thing. But I do miss what we had before he decided to have a big mid life crisis the last yr of our relationship. Yes, I have fear about contacting him, which is why I haven't. Fear that he doesn't give a sh*t. Fear that he's angry because I ignored his emails from Mex. Perhaps its good I have this insecurity because its stopped me from contacting him. Everything happens for a reason, right! And there's a reason I dont' feel 100% comfortable contacting him. And I guess i need to keep listening to this uncertainty and not go against it. yep, that anger you had can be very empowering... but it's also very draining too so it's good to let it go. But then you feel more vulnerable again too, right? I may be way off here but I know what I went through in a recent situation that was a little like yours... on a smaller scale but the emotions were the same I think. I'm not sure what to tell you... it sounds like you want to see you if two could try it again, but only if he's on board and willing to work on things. Maybe it's just time to try and let it go... you know, for now... because really HE is still the one that walked away. I have a feeling you could still hear from him.. and when you do, listen to what he has to say this time... then listen to what your heart says. He hurt you and it sounds like he's sorry but will things really work a second time? Only you two can figure that out... I dunno... I really wish I could help you more!
not_a_happy_camper Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 hi nature, remember me?! you told me not to break NC ages ago........................So I didn't, for a while anyway! I guess I always knew I would do it at some point. But I waited until I knew I'd be strong enough to face it if I never heard from him. And until such times as I'd be able to talk to him without crying! That was early feb, we've been meeting up once a week since then, and in touch nearly every day. we're working on the issues that broke us up. slowly, and it may not work, but no matter what, I know if it doesn't work, my questions have been answered. my one biggest regret at the time was that we didn't try, and that was out of my hands. We're trying now. my feelings have faded a lot, due mostly to suppressing them because I was so angry. But they're reappearing. I"m being cautious and protective. I know if it doesn't work, it'll hurt like hell, but I know this time I'll be able to handle it. I'd never been through pain like that before, and I'm so much stronger for it. I didn't know why exactly I wanted to contact him. I felt guilt for my part in things, even though it was he broke up with me, and he who'd taken me for granted. But I remembered the good times too. ANd I hated how things ended, I didn't want that to be the end. or for it to end that way. I'm glad now that I contacted him. I'm not sure what to say to you though! It bothers me that your ex wonders why you couldn't be more patient with him, when it appears that all he wants to do is have his cake and eat it. I can understand your fear that maybe he will reject you, as you rejected his emails. But if it's fear of rejection alone that's holding you back........................you haven't got him right now, so if you do contact him, what have you got to lose? when I contacted my ex, I suggested meeting for coffee, that was all. if he says no to that, you have your answer, move on. NO reply, answer - move on. wants to meet up, take it from there, but be cautious no matter what you're motive. protect yourself and be aware of your own needs over his.
Author nature Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 Camper...wow, things have turned around and changed for you! Keep us posted! So you two are working on being a couple now? Is he just as committed to it as you? As far as my ex...I've thought a lot the last few days, and I waiver in and out. I have decided I am not going to contact him. He was the one who messed things up, and yes, he did want his cake and to eat it too...expecting me to be patient while he ran around having his mid life crisis. The last time i heard from him he still didn't "get it" and so that makes me think he probably hasn't even now. He was in immature mind frame at that point, and something inside me tells me he is probably still there. I think the only way it could ever possibly work out for us, would be if he came to some huge epiphany, growth period, etc and contacted me. Me contacting him will probably just lead me down a stupid path I don't need to be led down. I miss the "old him"....but I do not miss the him he was the last year of our relationship. It sucks he changed for the worse, but it's reality and was his choice. He wanted to run free with the boys, while still having me in his life. Unfortunately, we don't always get what we want! lol I I still don't understand why he was angry at me when he was the one who f*cked everything up...lol But I guess something inside me says his anger is a cover for immaturity and lack of responsibility, and if that's how he wants to live his life, so be it. We had something good at one point. He threw it away as far as I'm concerned. And I would never go back to a relationship with him if he was still chumming with the negative divorced mid life crisis guys he has been. They are chauvenistic pigs that i can't stand.
Girlygirl1977 Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 You give such great advice and take it too. In this case, I feel somehow you might as well call once esp. after ignoring his msgs. You have this gut instinct and I think it will bother you for a bit. I do prefer the hardcore NC but you've done it for 3 months and you had something really serious and he is now back from Mexico. Check it out at least once. I know I may be going against the grain here.
not_a_happy_camper Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Camper...wow, things have turned around and changed for you! Keep us posted! So you two are working on being a couple now? Is he just as committed to it as you? we're working on it...........and to be honest, he seems FAR more committed than I am right now. I know I broke NC, and we both expressed interest in giving it another go. But I'm more wounded than I thought, and more wounded than he thought either. He has apologised for everything profusely. And I tried to brush over everything, because I realise I need to literally forget or not care about it to give this another go. I wanted to brush over things, but discuss the core issues that lead to the events that broke us up if that makes sense! like difficulty resolving conflict, etc. So we're doing that. But he brought up the break-up, saying he felt I wasn't as over it as I thought I was and he was right. I didn't want to talk about it, but we did and I felt better. He's so committed to trying now, that he actually pointed out to me during the week, that he's worried that he's doing all the running, texting, calling. I pointed out that that's where I was in the end of the relationship, I wasn't trying to get back at him, but I guess I'm just more reluctant to give. I don't want to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore, I'm holding back big time. That worries me a little too. My parents aren't happy that we're even speaking. My friends are telling me to just be careful, as long as I'm happy they're happy. I'm worried about re-introducing him as such! They were all there to pick up the pieces when we broke up, they don't want to see me get hurt again. And though he's really sorry for all the hurt, it doesn't bother him much that my family are concerned. I think it should a little at least?! As far as my ex...I've thought a lot the last few days, and I waiver in and out. I have decided I am not going to contact him. He was the one who messed things up, and yes, he did want his cake and to eat it too...expecting me to be patient while he ran around having his mid life crisis. The last time i heard from him he still didn't "get it" and so that makes me think he probably hasn't even now. He was in immature mind frame at that point, and something inside me tells me he is probably still there. I think you're very right not to contact him. It makes me angry even, that he was angry at you for not being patient! What's that about?! He obviously has trouble accepting responsibility for what he's done. I thought it would be the same with my ex on the one hand, but on the other, knowing him...............I knew that the email I'd sent would stop him contacting me. and I was right. I"m glad I contacted him, even if it doesn't work now, I won't always wonder.
Author nature Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 Camper, I think it's great that your ex is the one chasing. Especially since he broke up with you. How long have you been broken up now? What does this mean? ...............I knew that the email I'd sent would stop him contacting me. and I was right. I"m glad I contacted him, even if it doesn't work now, I won't always wonder. You sent him an email when? And what did you say in it? And it made him not want to contact you? Was that before when you first broke up? Then how did you turn things around and have him chasing you now? You go girl!!! lol
not_a_happy_camper Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Camper, I think it's great that your ex is the one chasing. Especially since he broke up with you. How long have you been broken up now? broken up since mid november, only the odd text exchanged until early feb when I mailed suggesting meeting for coffee.... What does this mean? ...............I knew that the email I'd sent would stop him contacting me. and I was right. I"m glad I contacted him, even if it doesn't work now, I won't always wonder. You sent him an email when? And what did you say in it? And it made him not want to contact you? Was that before when you first broke up? Then how did you turn things around and have him chasing you now? You go girl!!! lol[/quote] sent him an email nearly two weeks after the break-up, saying I'd never go back to someone who wasn't willing to make the effort for me, who could walk away so easily. he did reply, but it was bit complacent, and still no mention of reconciling. for a good month after sending that to him, I was angry and hurt, and wanting to see him, but conflicting in that I also never ever wanted to see him or hear of him again! yo-yo-ing emotions. but after christmas I began to wonder would he have contacted me if I hadn't sent the email. and while some were saying he would if he really wanted to, I know what he's like. he's a sensitive soul, with masses of stubborness and pride on the side! And I missed him, so I decided instead of always wondering, and I had been wondering for a long time before I mailed him......................I bit the bullet and suggested meeting up. Turned out he had been wanting to contact me for ages but assumed after the email that I was moving on and wanted nothing to do with him. and he regretted the break big time. My biggest regret was that we didn't try to fix things. I had wanted to, but I was in such a state I didn't know how. And it was out of my hands, he didn't want to so he left. I always felt it was unfinished. If it doesn't work out now, at least I'll know he wasn't the one who got away! I worry that my feelings have faded too much...........I don't want to hurt him either. I don't know if it's that, or I'm just protecting myself. It feels like starting out a new relationship without the excitement of infatuation. And because I'm hurt, I'm holding back big time. In ways I feel it's a recipe for disaster................In other ways I know what a good thing we had, and if I could only get over the feelings of hurt we could have that again. I know I literally need to blank out the hurt. But I feel we have to resolve any issues first, otherwise it's only putting a blanket over it, and the same mistakes will be made again. ARGH!!! It's confusing, but I don't want to just drop it like he did! and he is chasing, which I like! But in ways I'm pushing him away at the same time. I don't quite know what I'm feeling
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