I really need support! I can't move on.

[thisisme]

[sIZE=2]My situation is probably complicated so please bare with me as I try to explain.

 

I met a man 8 months ago. At the time, I had really given up on finding the right one. I'm in my 30's and I've dated so many. As a matter of fact, I have written in for advice on this site in the past. I was so tired of dealing with men and break-ups.

 

Everyone always told me when you meet "the one" you will "just know". Well, I met him. Our 1st date lasted 3 days because we couldn't say goodbye to each other. I've never felt so comfortable with someone, especially in that short amount of time. I really felt like I found my soul mate. He felt like family to me, like we were one. I just knew it was right. I was 100% convinced.

 

Everything was so perfect I thought I was in a dream. We talked about getting married, said the "I love yous" really quickly. I was on cloud 9. I don't know what happened but about 3 months in we had our first couple of arguments. I didn't think they were anything major at all but he said he didn't want to rush into marriage after all. I was devestated but tried to understand. I thought he was pulling the typical fear of commitment thing guys do.

 

I think over time, my insecurities from him backing off really started to come into play. I always felt like I was fighting to get things back to the way they were in the beginning. I loved him so much and I knew he loved me too but there were some things that started to really bother me. It seemed like everything was enhanced because of my insecurities.

 

For one, I realized he spends entirely too much time with his friends. We live over an hour apart anyway so only got to see each other on the weekends. Every night during the week, he would go to his friends house to watch movies, eat, play games, whatever. I tried not to let it bother me but I didn't get to talk to him much anymore, then he got to where he chose them over me a few times, even though he had just seen them. I started to realize that he is completely consumed with these friendships.

 

I have a lot of friends and I think it's healthy to have friends and spend time with them but he was neglecting his home, his relationship with me (not extreme but noticable), and himself. He has weight problems and always complains about it but he eats and drinks too much and sits around all of the time with his buddies. He is a depressed person. I think he tries to fill his voids with friends and things. It seems as though he can't be alone and I don't think that is healthy.

 

I really started to picture my life with him in the future. Would I always have to do everything or it wouldn't get done and would he always be with his friends anyway?

 

I brought these things to his attention in a long thought out e-mail. The reason I did it that way is that I could get everything out without him interrupting and he could think about it. I asked him what he wanted. Does he want to hang out with his friends all of the time and live like a bachelor or does he want a real relationship that will last.

 

Well, he was so hurt and angry at me bringing these things up that he responded with a break-up e-mail. He also blocked me on Facebook. That's how I found out he ended it. I logged on to Facebook and it said I was no longer in a relationship. He is 34 years old! His e-mail basically said that he can't dispute anything I said and that he is selfish, lazy, and overindulgent and I deserve far better than him. He said we didn't have anything in common anymore and can't talk to each other anymore (I disagree with this). He also said that I need a more vain guy without weight issues (also not true). He said his issues are too much for anyone to deal with long term.

 

If someone told me he would have broken up with me, period I would have said they are crazy but the way he did it??? Never in a million years. I was so hurt, I lashed out back at him with the typical "I'm sorry I wasted my time on someone like you, don't ever contact me again, etc etc." message.

 

A couple of weeks went by and he unblocked me on Facebook. I decided to send him a message just to apologize for my last e-mail. I said that I reacted based on hurt feelings at how he ended things. I said that I never would have left him, I would have stood by him through his issues. I only wanted him to be happy. I also told him that he IS worth it and that if a woman loves him it's because she appreciates him for who he is and what he has to offer etc etc.

 

He didn't respond at all.

 

I'm having a really hard time with this because I feel like there wasn't proper closure. He didn't even bother to have a conversation with me about ending it and he didn't apologize for ending it in such an immature way.

 

I also keep remembering all of the good in him and how much I loved him. I didn't want to break up. I just wanted him to take more pride in himself and our relationship. I wanted to feel like I was the most important thing to him. I can see how I contributed. I wasn't always Miss. Sweetie to him but it was because he didn't give me enough attention.... and he didn't give me attention because I wasn't Miss. Sweetie. It was a snowball effect.

 

I don't know if I did the right thing bringing all of that to his attention. I wasn't very happy anymore but I think it could have been easily fixed with some effort on his part. I feel like he made his choice. I wasn't worth changing for.

 

I'm very hurt. I know they say time heals all but truly, I have been through break-ups many times but nothing like this. I am so miserable without him. I can't stand to think he could just turn it all off like that and for all I know he could be seeing someone else already. I have zero interest in seeing anyone else. I don't think I could ever trust another man or even my own judgement. I was so sure about him and was so sure he felt the same way. I keep thinking maybe he will come to his senses and beg for my forgiveness. ha! I know that isn't a healthy way to move on but I don't want to move on.

 

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?

[/sIZE]

[xpaperxcutx]

[sIZE=2]My situation is probably complicated so please bare with me as I try to explain.

 

I met a man 8 months ago. At the time, I had really given up on finding the right one. I'm in my 30's and I've dated so many. As a matter of fact, I have written in for advice on this site in the past. I was so tired of dealing with men and break-ups.

 

Everyone always told me when you meet "the one" you will "just know". Well, I met him. Our 1st date lasted 3 days because we couldn't say goodbye to each other. I've never felt so comfortable with someone, especially in that short amount of time. I really felt like I found my soul mate. He felt like family to me, like we were one. I just knew it was right. I was 100% convinced.

 

Everything was so perfect I thought I was in a dream. We talked about getting married, said the "I love yous" really quickly. I was on cloud 9. I don't know what happened but about 3 months in we had our first couple of arguments. I didn't think they were anything major at all but he said he didn't want to rush into marriage after all. I was devestated but tried to understand. I thought he was pulling the typical fear of commitment thing guys do.

 

I think over time, my insecurities from him backing off really started to come into play. I always felt like I was fighting to get things back to the way they were in the beginning. I loved him so much and I knew he loved me too but there were some things that started to really bother me. It seemed like everything was enhanced because of my insecurities.

 

For one, I realized he spends entirely too much time with his friends. We live over an hour apart anyway so only got to see each other on the weekends. Every night during the week, he would go to his friends house to watch movies, eat, play games, whatever. I tried not to let it bother me but I didn't get to talk to him much anymore, then he got to where he chose them over me a few times, even though he had just seen them. I started to realize that he is completely consumed with these friendships.

 

I have a lot of friends and I think it's healthy to have friends and spend time with them but he was neglecting his home, his relationship with me (not extreme but noticable), and himself. He has weight problems and always complains about it but he eats and drinks too much and sits around all of the time with his buddies. He is a depressed person. I think he tries to fill his voids with friends and things. It seems as though he can't be alone and I don't think that is healthy.

 

I really started to picture my life with him in the future. Would I always have to do everything or it wouldn't get done and would he always be with his friends anyway?

 

I brought these things to his attention in a long thought out e-mail. The reason I did it that way is that I could get everything out without him interrupting and he could think about it. I asked him what he wanted. Does he want to hang out with his friends all of the time and live like a bachelor or does he want a real relationship that will last.

 

Well, he was so hurt and angry at me bringing these things up that he responded with a break-up e-mail. He also blocked me on Facebook. That's how I found out he ended it. I logged on to Facebook and it said I was no longer in a relationship. He is 34 years old! His e-mail basically said that he can't dispute anything I said and that he is selfish, lazy, and overindulgent and I deserve far better than him. He said we didn't have anything in common anymore and can't talk to each other anymore (I disagree with this). He also said that I need a more vain guy without weight issues (also not true). He said his issues are too much for anyone to deal with long term.

 

If someone told me he would have broken up with me, period I would have said they are crazy but the way he did it??? Never in a million years. I was so hurt, I lashed out back at him with the typical "I'm sorry I wasted my time on someone like you, don't ever contact me again, etc etc." message.

 

A couple of weeks went by and he unblocked me on Facebook. I decided to send him a message just to apologize for my last e-mail. I said that I reacted based on hurt feelings at how he ended things. I said that I never would have left him, I would have stood by him through his issues. I only wanted him to be happy. I also told him that he IS worth it and that if a woman loves him it's because she appreciates him for who he is and what he has to offer etc etc.

 

He didn't respond at all.

 

I'm having a really hard time with this because I feel like there wasn't proper closure. He didn't even bother to have a conversation with me about ending it and he didn't apologize for ending it in such an immature way.

 

I also keep remembering all of the good in him and how much I loved him. I didn't want to break up. I just wanted him to take more pride in himself and our relationship. I wanted to feel like I was the most important thing to him. I can see how I contributed. I wasn't always Miss. Sweetie to him but it was because he didn't give me enough attention.... and he didn't give me attention because I wasn't Miss. Sweetie. It was a snowball effect.

 

I don't know if I did the right thing bringing all of that to his attention. I wasn't very happy anymore but I think it could have been easily fixed with some effort on his part. I feel like he made his choice. I wasn't worth changing for.

 

I'm very hurt. I know they say time heals all but truly, I have been through break-ups many times but nothing like this. I am so miserable without him. I can't stand to think he could just turn it all off like that and for all I know he could be seeing someone else already. I have zero interest in seeing anyone else. I don't think I could ever trust another man or even my own judgement. I was so sure about him and was so sure he felt the same way. I keep thinking maybe he will come to his senses and beg for my forgiveness. ha! I know that isn't a healthy way to move on but I don't want to move on.

 

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?

[/sIZE]

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a terrible time, but if you truly think about things, the break- up is clearly the best thing in your interest. I can see how much support and effort you have tried to make the relationship work, but you also weren't oblivious to his problems and how they were affecting you. You made the right choice of not turning a blind eye to things and confronted him on his problems. If he truly had wanted to make things work, he would have sat down with you and asked you for your support. Instead he chose the easy way out.

 

He doesn't deserve your apologies because you didn't do anything wrong. You merely thought he was the one. Relationships are always irrational where we take the first steps rather than think things through. Give yourself time to heal. Stay away from social networking where it's easy for you to contact him.

[thisisme]

Thank you so much for your response. I think that is what's so hard for me...that he didn't sit down and try to work it out. I thought I just really hit on some sore spots with him and he made an impulse decision. But since I haven't heard from him for 2 weeks, I think he is moving on. I won't contact him again. I said all I can say. I just keep hoping he will realize what he gave up and come back. That is so stupid, I know

[thisisme]

I have to go to bed but I really hope more people will respond. I need some kind of advice. Should I completely give up and move on? How can I when I haven't stopped thinking about him for a minute and have no idea if he is going through the same thing? I wish we could have at least made the decision together instead of being left with this silent treatment!

[EllieBean]

I once fell in love with someone who I thought was "The One". He adored me, I was amazing, I was sexy, I was everything he ever wanted in a woman... until he decided to back off for no apparent reason. He never dumped me yet, he simply stopped contacting me, stopped answering calls and emails, and basically ignored me out of his life. I could only conclude that I was mistaken when I thought he was "The One", because "The One" would never have treated me like that... he was never who I thought he was, and he never really loved me, because if he really loved me he would never have treated me like that.

 

Back to your situation: You thought this guy was "The One", so when he started to back off you tried to rationalize it to yourself, "it's healthy to have friends and spend time with them", etc. You weren't unreasonably insecure, you were fully justified in feeling distressed that this man had backed off - you were insecure because you felt he might dump you, and dump you he did, so your concerns were real and it wasn't just insecurity on your part.

 

When you emailed him, he saw an easy way to get out of a relationship which was increasingly becoming a drag - he simply agreed with everything you said: "Yes, I'm not good enough for you, you deserve better". This actually tells you a lot about him: no decent guy would ever break up with a girl via email. When you emailed him again via Facebook he didnt respond, so he has clearly put the relationship behind him.

 

Sweetie, he seemed to be into you in the beginning but he never meant a word he said, he was just caught up in the excitement and newness of it all (and probably caught up in his own testosterone too). When he backed off and became all selfish and self-absorbed you saw the real him, and you didn't like it, but he was never going to change so he simply dumped you. This is not the worst thing that could happen: you really did NOT want to be married to this jerk. I know you feel like there was no closure, so you need to create that closure for yourself: realise that he was a d*ck who lied to you and dumped you in the most callous way, and tell yourself that he's never getting a second chance with you and your relationship is over. Then the door is closed from your side - you need to close that door because he's never going to do it for you, he's never going to grow a pair of balls and tell you the truth so you need to get that closure for yourself. That's what I did, and not too long afterwards I met a decent man who doesnt make me feel insecure because there's nothing for me to feel insecure about.

[sugarmomma]

The fact that you spent 3 days straight with him in the beginning says that you guys went too fast. It takes time to get to know someone and men don't like it when women get jealous of their friends or other parts of their life. I think you may have run him away being too needy. Men do not like needy women, they like confident, secure women who have their own lives.

 

Also remember you have to let a man do the pursuing or it usually goes bad unless he is super interested. Besides, it keeps you in control of the relationship. If he sees you really need him, there is no more a challenge.

 

I would say definitely write this one off and dont' jump so fast inthe next one. Iwould never spend 3 days straight with a guy I was dating. I would find something I needed to do.

 

Good Luck!! Time heals all wounds.

[nature]

I believe he was trying to push you away with his shoddy behaviour and his spending more and more time with his friends. you say you didn't feel important to him, and his friends were too much a part of his life. That's because it's true. Actions speak louder than words. You say he broke up with you in an immature manner. That is because he is immature. He is immature in every way he conducts his life. When you called him out on his "****" in your long email, he did not dispute it, because it is what he wanted. He wanted you to have enough self respect to realize that he was not ready for the relationship, and not invested in it the same way you are. That is why he has not responded to you. He is not at a maturity level where he wants a mature relationship, wherein the woman is his priority. I went through the same thing. It sucks, but it's true.

[RecordProducer]

I think I know what happened in your relationship. He faked it all. Not in the sense that he was just acting, but in the sense that he put his best features forward, trying to impress you. And this was not him. The real him was insecure, depressed (as you noted), selfish, lazy (as he noted). Men who hang out with their friends all the time are NOT marriage material for many reasons. They can't stay alone with their thoughts and do things by themselves; they need to leach off of somebody's time and energy. They don't have a sense of reality; they live for today and they live hedonistic lives.

 

In other words, you were dating someone you didn't really know. Yes, he was charming and everything, but that's all he was. Do you know how he would act should you get very ill, God forbid? Would he take care of you? Would he be supportive of everything in your life? He wasn't even supportive about your relationship! You think you met the right man but you didn't. And the fact that you don't understand what happened speaks even more of the possibility that he knew very well that he wasn't good enough for you. He just fooled you. Not intentionally. I am sure he wanted to be good enough for you, but once you brought up his faults, he rather hid the tip of the iceberg than expose the entire iceberg.

 

I've encountered this situation quite a few times through my own and other people's experience. You're still young, you will meet the right man. You'll see.

[silverfish]

I agree with Record Producer. I've just gone through a very similar thing recently - down to the length of the relationship / facebook blocking / age of the man.

His reason for ending it was, I think, that I started to notice the cracks beginning to show in his 'perfect' facade.

We had an amazing time together. He treated me waaay better than my ex husband ever had. He brought up marriage, moving in etc.

But he could not take any form of criticism, problem etc. He sulked when I was ill, had any sort of problem. He sulked if I didn't feel like having sex. He wouldn't let me speak and didn't listen to me when I got up the courage to sit him down and talk about our problems. He got angry if I confronted him on his behaviour. He was basically a very immature man.

 

I've had 4 days of no contact with him, and I woke up this morning thinking 'thank god for a lucky escape'. I know I am not over him, and I know I won't trust anyone so easily again, but lesson learnt...

[thisisme]

I so very sincerely appreciate all of your responses! It is so helpful to hear about people who have had similar experiences and to hear how an outside person would interpret it.

 

I probably make him sound worse than he is because I'm not saying any of the good things along with the bad. He has some wonderful qualities. I guess I just hope I wasn't the one to run him off by expecting too much. He really did a lot for me. He helped me financially, payed for my health insurance because I couldn't afford it, he sent me flowers at least once a month. Just a month before we broke up (Valentines Day) he did SO much for me it was ridiculous. He wrote me about how glad he is he found me and how much he loves me, always will, etc.

 

No, I didn't like that he was lazy, No I didn't like him spending so much time with his friends but he did call me a couple of times every night, even when he was with them and he sent me text messages while he was at work, even up until the day I sent him that letter. I didn't want to break up but I wonder if he thought so based on my letter and I wonder if he is as miserable as I am. I said in my e-mail that if he wanted to break up I will understand and I am prepared to move on. That wasn't true. I didn't think he would do it.

 

I've thought about sending one last e-mail to let him know how I really feel, then I can know I did everything I could. But he didn't respond to the other one. I don't know if it would be effective to just leave him alone and maybe he will realize what he gave up. I realize what I gave up, and I wasn't the one to do it.

 

Does this change anything?

[silverfish]

You haven't given up. If he wanted to know how you really feel he would have been straight over your place knocking on your door.

I've wasted the last 2 weeks trying to get to the bottom of 'what really happened there'. I can tell you that it opened my eyes to what he is really like, but has also ruined all the good memories of him I had.

My ex told me on Friday that he loves me and would do anything to make it work (by text of course;)). When I got there it was obvious it was an ego stroking excercise for him.

I got an apology email this afternoon for his behaviour on Friday, and another reiteration of how he doesn't love me anymore (wow how things change so fast eh?). I don't know how to respond either. I want to say so many things but the time for that is over I guess.....

[thisisme]

I keep trying to tell myself that. That no matter what I said to him, if he wanted to be with me at all, he would have at least had a conversation with me about it. He would have at least ended it in person.

 

Then the other side of me thinks well, what if I completely crushed him and he thought I was going to break up with him so he did it first to avoid the hurt? What if he knew he couldn't break up with me in person because he loves me so much?

 

I know, I am probably an idiot. If someone is dumb enough to walk away from you, you should be smart enough to let them go!

[silverfish]

You already sent him that last message via facebook. If he had wanted to respond to that he could have at any time. Picked up the phone, sent a text, whatever.

At least he unblocked you - I am still blocked (I know it's pathetic, I am 37 years old ffs).

My ex also moved to my town, so now I am having panic attacks about bumping into him everywhere I go. Hopefully he'll do the decent thing and leave soon.

My ex only seems to feel comfortable communicating by text or email, even though he lives down the road from me. He is a coward, a child....

You really should not contact him but I know how hard it is. If you do it, it will probably make you feel a lot worse, because going on his past behaviour, you won't get a response....

[thisisme]

I keep telling myself that he won't respond. I just need to let it be. Either I will get over it in time or I won't. Maybe down the road when he is over it all he will contact me and at least we could be on decent terms. I've never had an ex I couldn't keep in contact with before!

[moman]

I keep telling myself that he won't respond. I just need to let it be. Either I will get over it in time or I won't. Maybe down the road when he is over it all he will contact me and at least we could be on decent terms. I've never had an ex I couldn't keep in contact with before!

 

Yes, sometimes it's just not possible to have the closure you would like. From a guys' perspective, it's possible that he doesn't have the balls to see you or talk to you on the phone. He probably thought you were pressuring him on his friends, putting him into a "must choose either friends or woman" mentality.

 

Well, good luck on whatever you decide to do.

[thisisme]

Thank you for a guys perspective. Yes, I think he is afraid and doesn't know what to say, especially at how he ended things. I don't think it's that he doesn't care but just that he knows we couldn't work it out and to keep contact right now makes it harder to move on. I still can't help but wonder if he knew how I really felt if we could try again. It hurts so much and there are so many things I want to say to him.

[moman]

Thank you for a guys perspective. Yes, I think he is afraid and doesn't know what to say, especially at how he ended things. I don't think it's that he doesn't care but just that he knows we couldn't work it out and to keep contact right now makes it harder to move on. I still can't help but wonder if he knew how I really felt if we could try again. It hurts so much and there are so many things I want to say to him.

 

sweetie - you did your part. you tried to contact him. If he cared, he would find a way to talk to you. Don't beat yourself up for something that you can't control.

[thisisme]

You are right, I was probably even nicer to him than he deserved after the way he ended things. I have to keep reminding myself what you said. If he cares, he will contact me. I have to let it be on my end. Thank you so much.

[RecordProducer]

Dear Thisisme, I totally feel your pain. You're hurting and it's so unfair. I don't think he didn't love you. I don't think you made a mistake by telling him about his friends. His generosity though speaks about a man who was trying hard to impress his woman. Do you know why? Not because he is so great, but because he wanted you to think that he's great. Curiously, those generous guys never last. They pay for your this and that and buy you presents, but they turn into frogs faster than any other guys. This is a pattern. Doesn't that tell you anything?

 

I have a personal saying "If it were good, it would've been good." It's not good, so it never was really good. I know you're in love. I know it felt like heaven. I know you would do anything to have him back. But it is what it is, after all. Just don't do anything. Wait. If he contacts you, go for it. If he doesn't, it was never meant to be. Do you agree? How old are you?