dreamlover Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I posted back a while ago, at that time I was not sure if I should have confess to my H about the A. The pain of withdrawn from the OM was almost killing me, about three weeks ago, I could not hold it any longer, I broke and told my H everything. I was expecting a slam on my face or some sort of violence from him as I know he can do it, he has done that in the past for some small argument. To my surprise, he was very calm, he was not surprised by what I told him, he said that he knew that I have crossed the line, and he said that he wish that I have told him earlier. And he told me he still loved me very much and want to try to see if we can make things work for us as we have two kids. In the past three weeks, I have noticed the changes, the effort that he is making: he started working out as I suggested, doing homework with the kids (never done before). I appreciate it, I really do. I want to be happy, but I could not forgot the OM and could not find the feelings for my H, in fact, I have never had the crazy feelings that I have for the OM to my H. The OM is single and never married. the pain of the withdrawn is just still so fresh and unbearable. I have to work, I still have veruy limited contact with the OM: couple of coference calls with others together. it is not good I know, I missed his voice, his smiles still. I tried find a new job, but could not find anything – submitted resume all over the place, no luck. My question is: Is my marriage already dead? Is it possible to develop the love to my H? Any advices would be appreciated. ( Please do not bother to respond if you only want to tell me how wrong the A was )
Athena Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Of course there is hope for your M working out! Your H's calm, supportive manner tells you this. Whatever you do, please DO NOT cheat on him again, because you will break him next time. I know this firsthand, since I reacted calmly and full of loving support for my H after I found out about his first A. But after another three affairs, the disclosure hurt me severely. You have hope, for sure. As far as the OM is concerned, if you do not 'feed' the love affair, it WILL fade away with time. Hang in there. Keep yourself busy. And do not try to remember all the 'good' stuff with OM.
Bearandsue Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I think you should try focusing more on your marriage as your "H" is willing to forgive you and is even going the extra mile to make you happy. You married him for a reason. Why not try to rekindle those feelings you started with. Maybe even counseling.
In Like Flynn Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 No your marriage is not dead. Your just like an alcoholic that wants to stop drinking by just sipping her drinks and no longer gulping them down. Until that alcohol is completely gone your husband has no chance. The OM is the drink. Its easy being the OM...its a lot harder to be a husband. Satisfying emotional needs short term or from a distance is a lot easier than doing it for longterm. Just like High School...there is always someone new around the corner that you fall in love with....the shiny new car.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 My question is: Is my marriage already dead? yes Is it possible to develop the love to my H? no. you will always pine for some other guy. Your husband is the same-old same-old that you have been with for a while. I suspect it is rather boring for you to be with someone for too awful long. And I can almost guarantee, he is busting his butt right now because he is trying to overcompensate out of fear that he may find himself divorced. Once the shock is over, the anger will come. And he will probably still work out, but he will realize that he shouldn't be the one busting his ass to keep from being divorced. What have YOU done other than admit the affair and break it off? Are you just sitting there moping and being all "woe is me" about it and contributing nothing to any attempted recovery? My guess is you aren't doing anything and expect all the change to happen with him. So yes, your marriage is dead, best move on and set your husband free.
2sure Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Your marriage was dead the first time he hit you. The violence he submits you to over small arguments may seem to be something you feel you have gotten over.... But honestly - to someone who has dealt with that, any OM who hasnt hit you is more appealing. Your H, rather than getting angry over your A - may feel that his behavior drove you to it, so he is trying to change, to make amends... Who am I to say that he cant? But you might condider adding some anger management to the mix. Between violent outbursts and finding someone outside your marriage.... it may be that too much has been torn down. 1
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